Worth fighting for?

[Vicky876]

Hi there dear people of LoveShack, 

I need advice, where I can't seem to get heart and head aligned. I (f/37) am still in love with my ex-boyfriend (31). I broke up with him seven weeks ago after a six months relationship. He is the most disarming, enchanting and clever man I have ever met, he's funny, warm, sensitive and yet strong in his presence and also in his feelings for me. The reason I felt I had to break up with him however, is due to his cannabis-addiction - sometimes smoking 8 spliffs a day - and the passiveness / emotional disconnect as a result of it and his 'occassional' cocaine use, which made him on evenings out with a lot of alcohol, a rather boundless man. Which, to be fair, was sometimes also quite funny, but a reason for concern as well. I thought if I keep accepting this, I am actually accepting his selfdestructive behaviour and to me, that would not be love. This is something he needs to sorth out on his own, not because I want or need him to. I don't wish to have the role of 'mother' or 'caretaker' or 'psychologist' in a relationship. To reject this behaviour, I needed to reject him, however painful it is. I adressed his drug use and the impact it had on me and on him as well. 

We haven't been in contact for six weeks, until last weekend, where we spontaneously met in a dancing bar. It was his birthday and he was under influence, and obviously I had a few drinks. I went home with him to make a long story short, I literally thought about it whether I should but I was nailed to the floor, knowing that this meet up would keep me up all night, if not all weekend if I went home alone. We spent the entire weekend together, at his place, then at mine, there were lots of 'I love you's' and kisses and good conversation. It hardly felt like we'd broken up at all. That he was thinking of quitting (smoking weed) and doing sports. Also said to me that he thought me so rigid in breaking up with him, which felt so sudden to him. Anyway. Obviously this has made me all confused and doesn't make it easier for me to get passed this. I find it very hard to let him go. I can't hate him, I can't be angry. I know he has some strong points which I need to work on, and I find it so valuable to have someone who gives me valuable feedback as well. In this sense we have such an equal and likeminded connection. 

There's a guilt I feel that I've broken up with him that is uncomfortable, and also some kind of regret to be honest. I feel like I should have given it a chance, adressed it earlier in the relationship, but I was affraid it would get us in this 'push' / 'pull' dynamic, thinking that if I kept adressing it, I thought it would rather seem to him that he could do 'nothing right' and would not do his otherwise beautiful personality justice. I thought he needs to go through this alone, find out for himself why he is using so much and get the confidence and strength needed by himself. To not 'do it for me', but to do it because he sees for himself that he is worthy to do so. 

My heart is so soar however. After the weekend I feel like I have judged him too harshly, betrayed him even. I just don't know what to do. Get in no contact again? Ask him to go on a walk in a week or so? Is this even mendable? Wait on him to 'prove himself'? Is it sane to want to get back together even? What would it take from me? Does any of you have experience with addicted loved ones? Can any good come out of it? 

Hope to hear. Thanks so much already.

 

  

[NuevoYorko]

You gave it a chance - half of a year.  That's more than a chance.

Have you come around to feeling like you're fine with being with a man who is stoned and passive / emotionally disconnected because of it most of the time?  And his cocaine and drinking binges are okay with you suddenly?

If you're now good with those features and ready to accept them as part of being with this man, and I mean REALLY,  then why not.  

I don't believe you are, though.  You just miss him.  But if the reasons you gave for breaking up are honest, then you almost certainly did the right thing.   

I hope you're aware that you will never succeed in changing his, or anybody's, habits.  They will need to do that themselves, and if they need help with it, they will need to seek help for themselves.   Another person can't do it for them.

Please be true to yourself here. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless you are suddently okay with his drug habits, this is not going to work. 

[Vicky876]

@NuevoYorko Thanks for sharing your perspective. My reasons for breaking up are genuine, although I might have broken up with him too rigidly (never wanted to do him wrong, but the vision of us arguing and arguing over drugs and emotional disconnect just made me very harsh, direct and clear). As stated, and you're right to ask me again, I cannot accept his selfdestructive behaviour, and your right in pointing out I cannot change it either. On the bases of your reaction, I've called out to an agency specialised in help for people that have an addicted loved one and how to deal with that. Will be following a workshop about it too, to keep my own sanity basically. Thank you.

[stillafool]

Look, you either have to stand for something or you fall for anything.  You know you don't want a drug addicted boyfriend.  So you did the right thing by letting him go.  Now out of loneliness and desperation you are back tracking.  If you go back this issue will rear it's ugly head again and you'll just be wasting more of your life on him.

[Vicky876]

Thank you <3. I asked him last week if we could chat, that I just wanted to set things straight, not even about getting back together or anything. But he thought that I never really accepted him in the relationship and I wanted to set straight a.o. that I genuinely did accept him, loved him so, but not his selfdestructive behaviour (as mentioned in my first post). Anyway, we'd decided to talk yesterday evening. So there were 5 days in between. He texted me Sunday whether I could come as early as possible because he had a day off and otherwise he would look up to it the entire day. I had to work so said I'd take it into account. I suggested to go for a walk. But when I got to his home as early as possible in the evening, he was stoned, had been smoking all day, not showered, he didn't even intend on going for a walk. And he was completely apathic. I even said that I still missed him, thought about him daily for the past 8 weeks. But he just said it didn't bother him as much, the weekend we had was nothing. I tried to connect with him, but was just f***ed up talking to a concrete wall. 

I am so angry and so broken at this point. I've broken all contact with him after I went away and blocked him. So angry with myself I think mostly. For f*** sake :'(. Why did I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Why did I let it get to me so much, even if I knew somewhere in the back of my mind. This f***ing fear of abandonment got me here I think. This was devastating, degrading, with no respect at all. Here I was, standing in front of him, being vulnerable, trying to explain it to him, what I felt and I just got a mf cold shoulder. and I knéw it. Yet wasn't prepared for it, let it get the better of me. Still I feel like I should have done something different, if only, if not, if I had not. It gets to my sense of worth. I see it, can mentally dust it off, but my heart is hurting so. I'm crying continuously. I get a gulf of nausea just thinking of him. 

Pfff. I could really use someone to talk to. I'm such an idiot. 

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry it worked out this way for you. 

I guess you can look at this as your closure you really needed to have.  You've finally seen that no matter what you do, things just aren't going to work out with him, and you know that you're far better off without him.  

I hope you've blocked him now ❤️

[stillafool]

(((HUGS))), You did the right thing by blocking him and moving on. You will meet a guy who is worthy of you.  I know it's hard right now, but you definitely made the right decision.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/25/2024 at 11:16 PM, Vicky876 said:

. But he thought that I never really accepted him in the relationship

Sorry, but why should you have accepted someone who is in a drug-induced haze this often? 

His behaviour with drugs does not exist in a vaccum. It is part of who he is. He is going to be hard-pressed to find any self-respecting woman who "accepts" him when he makes these choices. I sure wouldn't accept him. 

[Vicky876]

Yea I know... I just wanted to believe it I guess. I separated him from his addiction, that he did it to supress things, but not who he really is. But why did I if he identifies with the selfdestructiveness. I actually always thought he was so straight and genuine, saying exactly what he had on his mind, but in hindsight, he is just impulsive. Someone who changes within a week from "I love you" and "I miss you" to complete apathy and "Not bothered" isn't genuine. Either one is true or both aren't. So well.

And tbh, if I do combine him and his addictive behaviour, there's nothing attractive to him. No initiatives taken from him, emotionally closed off, not even bare minimum, no genuine love. He might just not have loved me at all, just loved the way I loved him... It's a lesson learned. I knew it somewhere, there's nothing wrong with me intuitively anyway.

Thank you for your confirmative words ❤️   

 

[Gebidozo]

On 6/26/2024 at 5:16 AM, Vicky876 said:

Here I was, standing in front of him, being vulnerable, trying to explain it to him, what I felt and I just got a mf cold shoulder. and I knéw it. Yet wasn't prepared for it, let it get the better of me. Still I feel like I should have done something different, if only, if not, if I had not. It gets to my sense of worth. I see it, can mentally dust it off, but my heart is hurting so. I'm crying continuously. I get a gulf of nausea just thinking of him. 

I’m sorry this is happening to you. The first thing you should do is stop blaming yourself, and try not to commit the “sunken costs fallacy”. Basically, a big part of your hurt now is huge disappointment from the fact that you’d emotionally invested so much in that guy, and got very little in return. But that doesn’t mean that you’ve wasted those emotions. You still have them in you, and next time you’ll give them to a guy who’ll reciprocate properly. You haven’t been “depleted” or anything. Nobody can take away from you your ability to be loving and supportive. Your ex didn’t value it, so let it be. There is no need to dwell on that.

Edited June 27 by Gebidozo

[Vicky876]

Such wise words @Gebidozo, thank you for that. Difficult to process still, because it’s a weird kind of rejection, really. I think because I confronted him straight forward and told him he needs to take responsibility for himself and his wellbeing. Not what he wanted to hear, but what he knows he should. 
 

Love can be quite peculiar. I have a sense for / attract lost souls in some way. Or as a friend calls them “charity cases”. In the past years I dated a widower, a guy with NPD, and now a drug addict. 😕 I don’t know yet what it exactly is within me. I get dragged into it, gaslight myself in some sense to believe something is there that isn’t. Oh well. Hope you’re all doing better than me!

[Gebidozo]

17 hours ago, Vicky876 said:

Such wise words @Gebidozo, thank you for that. Difficult to process still, because it’s a weird kind of rejection, really. I think because I confronted him straight forward and told him he needs to take responsibility for himself and his wellbeing. Not what he wanted to hear, but what he knows he should. 
 

Love can be quite peculiar. I have a sense for / attract lost souls in some way. Or as a friend calls them “charity cases”. In the past years I dated a widower, a guy with NPD, and now a drug addict. 😕 I don’t know yet what it exactly is within me. I get dragged into it, gaslight myself in some sense to believe something is there that isn’t. Oh well. Hope you’re all doing better than me!

Well, I’m currently incredibly fortunate to be together with a wonderful woman. But I used to be an unbelievable mess and a mental case that would make your ex look like a poster boy for normality😶

The thing is, your unique ability to feel compassion and to love those that you call “lost souls” is actually a great gift and an immense power. One day you’re going to encounter a soul that possibly used to be “lost”, but has worked on himself and found himself. He’ll still have the vulnerability and the emotional openness you seek in men, yet will be mature and strong enough.

[mark clemson]

People with drug addictions can really f*** up your life.

Go with your head, not your heart on this one, and DON'T idealize him as you seem to be doing. You'll be over him sooner or later and presumably find a partner who'll be a (much) better one for the long-term.

[Vicky876]

Thanks <3. It's hard, but I hope the longer we have no contact, the easier it will be.

I had two tickets for a prominent and sold out singer-/songwriter concert we both love, initially for his birthday, and hadn't put any effort up till that Monday evening to look for someone else to go with. So, kind of stupidly, I offered it to him still if he wanted to go when he was baked af. He declined, said he didn't want to go and look for another of his concerts which are planned in the fall. So last Sunday I went to the concert with my sister instead. And there he was. Managed to get his own ticket. Looking for eye contact continuously. I gave him none, ignored him as if he was one of many in the crowd that I don't know. I keep having this flashes of thoughts like: what on earth was he thinking, a 100% certain that I'd be there, probably expected me to be there alone? Was he trying to rub it in? Trying to test my boundaries? Even if I could not have been any clearer in my text message that I don't want anything to do with him anymore, and that he mustn't dare to come near me, and definitely not if  he's under influence. Was he actually thinking I'd be open for any form of contact?  Ugh. Ruminating on things that should leave me cold, or at least, no answer to any of those questions would be satisfactory or solve anything. 

You're so right @mark clemson, I'm genuinely kind of relieved that he lifted the veil on his character that Monday. Confrontational as it was, the encounter finally opened my eyes to who he ís instead of who he could potentially be. Within the relationship and even short after the break up he often said he didn't mean to hurt me, wasn't aware of it. In hindsight, if he didn't mean to hurt me, then what did he mean with his behaviour? Not a question I need an answer to, but I also begin to realise I should not take his behaviour as personal as I did. In essence, him rejecting me for rejecting his self destructive behaviour is kind of weird in itself to put it lightly, and almost comical. 

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

Maybe he declined the ticket because he doesn't want to get back together and he thinks that is what you think might happen.  Anyway it's good you went with your sister and had fun.

[basil67]

Vicki, he went to the concert because he likes the band.  He didn't take your ticket because you are his ex.   Please try to not go down the rabbit hole of overthinking and making it more than what it was

[Vicky876]

I hate feelings. It’s all so bloody confusing. I miss him tremendously, yet I’m pissed off at him. Yet I’m angry with myself, thinking I was too harsh on him. Yet I could hit him in the face if I’d come accross him. I’m quite hurt actually. And feel lonely. I feel stupid for missing him, because it was my OWN bloody and well thought through and dare I say quite wise decision. i didn’t even expected him to change, don’t want him to change for me,  but for himself. What is this missing all about then. Or am I just mourning over a dream, idealising him in some way. Grmpf. 
 

 

[basil67]

In my experience, there are two different kind of heartbreaks:  The love/hate/crying/anger all mixed in together, and the one which is simply so incredibly sad.   With hindsight, the former was after a toxic or traumatic relationship and the latter was after a stable relationship with a good guy just didn't work out. 

You can't stop the feelings, but you can remind yourself that you can do way better than this mess of a guy