I've never been pursued by a man before

[PeachPalm1]

I am 29, and I am a confident happy woman with hobbies and a life. I like who I am, I’m friendly and I take pride in my appearance.

im not short of male attention, when I go out and about I get lot of smiles from men, usually ones that are already taken.

2 years ago I had a boyfriend. But he was such low effort, because he was my first boyfriend, I was naive and didn’t realise it wasn’t normal. I was making all the effort with planning dates and travelling and gifts etc. when the realisation hit, he dumped me

i avoided dating for 2 years. Worked on myself. My friends encouraged me to get out there but I was too nervous of the same hurt. They reassured me my ex was an anomaly 

so I confidently went back out there, trying to date. I actually met a guy who I really connected with, and I didn’t imagine it (he would speak of how similar we are and how well we get along.) he would actually plan dates but the dates were several weeks apart, he didn’t text much. Like I wasn’t ‘pursued’ and I felt uncertain of his interest in me. Over 3 months, I tried to be calm and keep myself busy. He was affectionate on dates but then distant after dates. It left me confused and eventually he ended things and said he didn’t feel romantic 

It really upset me as how can this possibly happen again. I’ve worked on myself for 6 months again and now dating again

 

I’ve really decided to put myself out there. Going on lots of dates and meeting lots of people. I have nice time on dates but once again the men never pursue me after dates. Usually I don’t hear from them again. Even if they tell me at the end of the date ‘would you like to go out again?’ And I tell them ‘absolutely let’s plan something.’ They never even text me to check I got home ok, I’ve never ever had a ‘get home safe?’ Text 

 

im feeling a little terrible about myself. Last week I went on a date, it was nice but I didn’t feel crazy sparks (but then it takes time for me to feel that.) 

 

the morning. After the date he texted me that he had a nice time with me. And that he was heading to the airport for his holiday and sent me his number. But for the whole week he’s been away, I’ve just not really heard from him but I don’t know if that is the end of this or I should be patient??

 

once again, I just feel like something is wrong with me? I’m warm with these men, pretty sure I signal my interest well. I’m well spoken, friendly and polite, good at convo 

just feel so terrible today, like dating is this completely impossible thing I will never get to experience properly. 

[ZA Dater]

My advice is to please not feel terrible about yourself. The lack of pursuing is not a reflection on you but rather a reflection of themselves and their own values. Its very easy in dating to feel down on oneself, I have been there for year at a time and believe me it accomplishes nothing. 

Find things that make you feel good in life, let dating be a sideshow rather than the center of your life.

[MsJayne]

32 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

After the date he texted me that he had a nice time with me. And that he was heading to the airport for his holiday and sent me his number. But for the whole week he’s been away, I’ve just not really heard from him but I don’t know if that is the end of this or I should be patient??

 

Let's focus on this. He was thinking about you while he was at the airport, a very good sign. If he wasn't interested he wouldn't have done that. He's on holiday, let him enjoy that and maybe wait 'til he's been back a couple of days and then call and ask how his trip was. Don't be worried that he hasn't made contact, you've only just met so don't expect too much or read anything in to what you're perceiving as silence. He gave you his number, he absolutely wants you to call . Don't leave it all to the guy to do the pursuing, if you're a confident, outgoing type they may be a little intimidated and need you to take some initiative. 

 

 

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Let's focus on this. He was thinking about you while he was at the airport, a very good sign. If he wasn't interested he wouldn't have done that. He's on holiday, let him enjoy that and maybe wait 'til he's been back a couple of days and then call and ask how his trip was. Don't be worried that he hasn't made contact, you've only just met so don't expect too much or read anything in to what you're perceiving as silence. He gave you his number, he absolutely wants you to call . Don't leave it all to the guy to do the pursuing, if you're a confident, outgoing type they may be a little intimidated and need you to take some initiative. 

 

 

He did text me, telling me what he’s been up to but it was kinda dry and boring what he said. I replied and said ‘looks like you’re having a great time ☺️☺️’ and then it’s been silence for 3 days. Which my gut feeling tells me maybe not interested

 

which makes me feel sad once again. I really want a man to be very interested in me and pursue me but that has never happened in my life. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He did text me, telling me what he’s been up to but it was kinda dry and boring what he said. I replied and said ‘looks like you’re having a great time ☺️☺️’ and then it’s been silence for 3 days. Which my gut feeling tells me maybe not interested

Maybe he has the same impression of you. 

Have you initiated? Tried to keep the conversation going? 

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe he has the same impression of you. 

Have you initiated? Tried to keep the conversation going? 

Yes I have I’ve asked him what he’s been up to and told him I hope he’s having a lovely time! It’s been 2 days since he last responded. 
 

dunno whether to write this one off or a guy could genuinely be interested in seeing me again but is just focusing on his holiday etc 

[ExpatInItaly]

To be fair, you have met him once and he is on holiday. I wouldn't write it off completely yet,

Your last message to him doesn't really necessitate an answer, so he might pick up the conversation again shortly. Or, you could do so first and see how he responds. 

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To be fair, you have met him once and he is on holiday. I wouldn't write it off completely yet,

Your last message to him doesn't really necessitate an answer, so he might pick up the conversation again shortly. Or, you could do so first and see how he responds. 

I don’t want to chase. I just feel once again a guy isn’t excited about me after first date as if he was surely he would be texting lots?

even the last guy I dated took a week to text me after the date. It feels very personal like I do something wrong 

[FredEire]

55 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t want to chase. I just feel once again a guy isn’t excited about me after first date as if he was surely he would be texting lots?

even the last guy I dated took a week to text me after the date. It feels very personal like I do something wrong 

He's could be just prioritising his holiday.

More generally though, your insecurities can send people the wrong message about yourself, like if you give off the message "nobody is ever going to be that interested in me" you'll continually find situations where the guys you meet won't be that interested in you, and your desperation for it to happen blocks it from happening naturally.

Rather than looking for some guy to be into you to validate your insecurity about not being loveable, you have to look at the guys you date individually and ask yourself do you really want this romance with THIS individual person, or are you just looking for A. N. Other guy to come along and fill in the void. The problem is that dating for this purpose dehumanises the other and puts them on a pedestal, meaning that nobody will ever be enough, when it's trying to fulfil a need that can only come from yourself.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I really want a man to be very interested in me and pursue me but that has never happened in my life. 

Then go on dates until you find one that pursues you. It may take time but it's ok. It always took me many coffee-dates before meeting the right man, when I say many I mean 100+ dates in a year then boom! I meet the right one. I don't like it when a man doesn't give me his attention so I will lose interest fast if the guy isn't into me. I didn't wait around for text or calls, if these guys didn't sustained my attention I was out the door on a date with someone else. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Rather than looking for some guy to be into you to validate your insecurity

Absolutely!! Never go on a date and think I hope he'll like me. The right mind set is : lets see if he'll date me the way I want to be dated. 

OP don't get attached to a man you went on 1 date with. Actually don't get attached to any man you've dated under 3 months. Under 3 months dating it's all very fragile and it can end with no warning. The test of relationships often comes in 3. The first 3 dates, the first 3 months, the first 3 years. 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Absolutely!! Never go on a date and think I hope he'll like me. The right mind set is : lets see if he'll date me the way I want to be dated. 

OP don't get attached to a man you went on 1 date with. Actually don't get attached to any man you've dated under 3 months. Under 3 months dating it's all very fragile and it can end with no warning. The test of relationships often comes in 3. The first 3 dates, the first 3 months, the first 3 years. 

Very good advice I think.

Unfortunately it's normal, especially for those of us who've struggled with low self-esteem, to put people on a pedestal, to be desperate for them to like you, it's happened to most of us at some stage so cut yourself a bit of slack for this.

You can't control how you feel but you can be aware that your feelings may not line up with the realities of how these people, and you, actually are, and you can try and readjust your expectations accordingly.

There's a subtext with all your dating posts that "I just don't feel like any man will like me that much", that's the biggest thing you have to address, as if you go into dating like this you'll either find men who are emotionally distant and fit your script, or if there's real potential there your behaviours and general vibe will distance yourself from him thereby completing your self-fulfilling prophecy in the same way.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

the morning. After the date he texted me that he had a nice time with me. And that he was heading to the airport for his holiday and sent me his number. But for the whole week he’s been away, I’ve just not really heard from him but I don’t know if that is the end of this or I should be patient??

This is all positive. <not really heard from him> means what ? You did hear from him but not as much as you'd wished? When is he coming back? What kind of vacation is it? If I spend a week on a beach by myself I'll have time on my hands to text, if I spend a week at a family reunion like we do each summer then forget about it! Most days I would not know where my phone is. But that being said, let him enjoy his vacation and see when he returns. You know you can go on other dates too. 

 

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Absolutely!! Never go on a date and think I hope he'll like me. The right mind set is : lets see if he'll date me the way I want to be dated. 

OP don't get attached to a man you went on 1 date with. Actually don't get attached to any man you've dated under 3 months. Under 3 months dating it's all very fragile and it can end with no warning. The test of relationships often comes in 3. The first 3 dates, the first 3 months, the first 3 years. 

I agree and I’m working on that. It would just be nice to meet someone who is consistent. 
 

for example even the last guy I dated, like we were an excellent match. Both love our metal music, both intelligent and love intellectual discussions, similar careers, same hobbies (outdoor stuff and travel.) we were never short of things to talk about on dates, lots of laughs, physical affection. And then all of sudden when I told him I liked him, he pulled away said he didn’t feel romantic. I always acted authentically with him and never needy so what happened confused me, now he just want to be friends and he dates other girls whilst I wonder why I am not seen romantically by any man. Done a lot of self reflection, I went into that dating scenario with hope and positivity, I didn’t chase or give off needy vibes. And I keep thinking if it didn’t work with him, how can it work with anyone else?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And I keep thinking if it didn’t work with him, how can it work with anyone else?

Oh dear, every man you meet is different and they bring something different to your life.  Some will be luckywarm about you others will be crazy about you. Rejection sucks but it doesn't kill, you move on and you continue being amazing PeachPalm1. Believe you are a woman that has a lot to offer so in return you are worthy of love, attention and consideration. All of these men that cross your path are not all meant to be your boyfriend, majority of them are meant to teach you something. With each of them you learn about what you want and don't want and you make better choices the next time. 

[PeachPalm1]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Oh dear, every man you meet is different and they bring something different to your life.  Some will be luckywarm about you others will be crazy about you. Rejection sucks but it doesn't kill, you move on and you continue being amazing PeachPalm1. Believe you are a woman that has a lot to offer so in return you are worthy of love, attention and consideration. All of these men that cross your path are not all meant to be your boyfriend, majority of them are meant to teach you something. With each of them you learn about what you want and don't want and you make better choices the next time. 

To complicate things further, attraction is something I feel very rarely. I think the more I get hurt, the less I feel attracted to people now because it will never work out with people. So my brain protects myself .

 

it’s just it’s like every connection I have, the worse people get. Even man I’ve ever dated has been very hot and cold and distant with me, like there’s been no other experience than that 

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

it’s just it’s like every connection I have, the worse people get. Even man I’ve ever dated has been very hot and cold and distant with me, like there’s been no other experience than that 

How long were you dating those hot and cold men? 

If you don't want to get burnt by dating you have to drop them fast. You will not run out of men to go on dates with. Faster  you drop them, closer you get to meet the right one for you. 

One thing though, if you don't believe in it, it won't happen to you. Deep down you need to believe there are nice men out there that will date you properly. Feeling defeated and bitter is not an energy that attracts good men.  

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long were you dating those hot and cold men? 

If you don't want to get burnt by dating you have to drop them fast. You will not run out of men to go on dates with. Faster  you drop them, closer you get to meet the right one for you. 

One thing though, if you don't believe in it, it won't happen to you. Deep down you need to believe there are nice men out there that will date you properly. Feeling defeated and bitter is not an energy that attracts good men.  

Last hot and cold man, was 3 months. We had 6 dates in that time , as we lived over an hour away and we had holidays and other things planned in that time. when he saw me in person things were great. But things didn’t progress. I wondered if it was because he is from a foreign country and was seriously thinking about his options if he will stay in this country or not. He said he missed his family. Now he dates a girl who has children but I don’t know whether to assume maybe it’s just casual? People have casual things right? Especially as he said he had only had causal things in the 3 years before meeting me. I wonder if he just got a bit spooked because he knew I wanted a relationship (but I wasn’t pushy or anything) 

 

the guy I went on a date with last week has now texted me asking me if I would like to go on a second date at the weekend to do a fun activity. Dunno if it’s a good thing given his sparse texting whilst on his holiday and just being dry over text overall. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Last hot and cold man, was 3 months. We had 6 dates in that time , as we lived over an hour away

1. Date locally as much as possible

2. Don't date hot & cold men. If by 2-3 dates the guy is not consistent you drop him. 

3. 6 dates in 3 months is REAL low efforts. That means this guy did not even give you 1 date per weekend.  One hour drive is nothing. I drive that everything morning to go to work and again at 5h to go home. 

 

4 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

the guy I went on a date with last week has now texted me asking me if I would like to go on a second date at the weekend to do a fun activity. Dunno if it’s a good thing given his sparse texting whilst on his holiday and just being dry over text overall. 

This is *excellent*!! he's on vacation and he thinks of scheduling a date with you!!. He's thinking about you, and a man that's interested in you will setup dates!! and he's doing that.

Stop second guessing him because he's not texting you like a full blown boyfriend. You had one date, you barely know each other, maybe he doesn't like texting too much. You will eventually discover that about him. Accept the date with enthusiasm! 

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

1. Date locally as much as possible

2. Don't date hot & cold men. If by 2-3 dates the guy is not consistent you drop him. 

3. 6 dates in 3 months is REAL low efforts. That means this guy did not even give you 1 date per weekend.  One hour drive is nothing. I drive that everything morning to go to work and again at 5h to go home. 

 

This is *excellent*!! he's on vacation and he thinks of scheduling a date with you!!. He's thinking about you, and a man that's interested in you will setup dates!! and he's doing that.

Stop second guessing him because he's not texting you like a full blown boyfriend. You had one date, you barely know each other, maybe he doesn't like texting too much. You will eventually discover that about him. Accept the date with enthusiasm! 

Yeah it’s just for a month out of that, he was travelling on holiday and then for 3 weeks of that I was away, so that’s the reason why we didn’t see each other. When we did see each other, he was telling me how similar we are and how well we get along. And cooking me dinner etc

 

bur at the same time, he walked ahead of me on dates so fast I couldn’t keep up, like he would cross the road and when I got to the road the traffic lights would have changed and I was there like ‘dude! I can’t keep up.’ And then after every date, he always made sure he had other plans with mates which he had to leave for so I don’t know the meaning of that. Maybe some avoidance issues on his part? I took it so personally 

 

then the guy came back to be friends. Always liking all my pics. Took me to play tennis and hugging me and saying how good it is to see me. To texting me all the time. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

then the guy came back to be friends. Always liking all my pics. Took me to play tennis and hugging me and saying how good it is to see me. To texting me all the time. 

Keep your energy to find yourself a boyfriend. You are not in the business of making 'friends' with men you go on dates with. Block him don't look back. 

I had plenty of offer to remain friends with dates and I always politely refused. I thought when a good man cross my path what is he going to think of me if I chitchat on text with the last 20 men I had gone on 1-2 dates with. I have more class then that. 

We date to find a compatible partner. Like I said not all of them are meant to be your boyfriend. I remember going on a 2nd date with a man that had purchased seats at the movies. When we got there the movie theater was pretty empty. There was an old couple a bit confused on what were 'reserved seats' and they were sitting in our seats. I told my date let's sit somewhere else, the theater is empty! Let them settled where they are. Even the couple next to them offered to move 2 seats away so we could sit in that row. My date refused, he insisted until the old couple got up from our seats. I was soooooooo embarassed! I knew I did not want to date that kind of human being. 

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah it’s just for a month out of that, he was travelling on holiday and then for 3 weeks of that I was away, so that’s the reason why we didn’t see each other. When we did see each other, he was telling me how similar we are and how well we get along. And cooking me dinner etc

 

bur at the same time, he walked ahead of me on dates so fast I couldn’t keep up, like he would cross the road and when I got to the road the traffic lights would have changed and I was there like ‘dude! I can’t keep up.’ And then after every date, he always made sure he had other plans with mates which he had to leave for so I don’t know the meaning of that. Maybe some avoidance issues on his part? I took it so personally 

 

then the guy came back to be friends. Always liking all my pics. Took me to play tennis and hugging me and saying how good it is to see me. To texting me all the time. 

Yeah I think people walking ahead of you on dates seems like a small thing but it's a pretty bad red flag. It often means they are in their own world, focusing on what they want rather than being with and enjoying the moment with you. Generally on a date the more together you feel and the more shared the experience the better.

As for this latest guy it all seems like good signs so far tbh, it's mostly your doubts getting in the way. He seems to be communicating appropriately, if he was flooding you with "good morning baby 😘" texts while he was away I'd say that was a worse sign to be honest. Just go and meet him next week and try to keep an open mind, you don't need to find bad signs when there don't seem to be any yet.

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Keep your energy to find yourself a boyfriend. You are not in the business of making 'friends' with men you go on dates with. Block him don't look back. 

I had plenty of offer to remain friends with dates and I always politely refused. I thought when a good man cross my path what is he going to think of me if I chitchat on text with the last 20 men I had gone on 1-2 dates with. I have more class then that. 

We date to find a compatible partner. Like I said not all of them are meant to be your boyfriend. I remember going on a 2nd date with a man that had purchased seats at the movies. When we got there the movie theater was pretty empty. There was an old couple a bit confused on what were 'reserved seats' and they were sitting in our seats. I told my date let's sit somewhere else, the theater is empty! Let them settled where they are. Even the couple next to them offered to move 2 seats away so we could sit in that row. My date refused, he insisted until the old couple got up from our seats. I was soooooooo embarassed! I knew I did not want to date that kind of human being. 

I see first dates though as kinda first meets and usually they not romantic. Like I don’t usually feel attraction on a first date it comes later, but that’s annoying 

I don’t want to block the last guy as I want to keep it open for connecting again in future.sometimes I wonder if there is some attraction there hence he likes all my pics and messages me from time to time. Then sometimes I wonder why I am only seen as a friend and if I lack allure

 

i wouldn’t want to date that seat guy either! How strange. But equally I would never behave in such a way but still can’t find a partner. I’m a very mature woman but I’m also very direct person, I am very direct in my communications and sometimes I worry that’s bad. My siblings have a lot more success in dating than me, including my twin sister but they are soooo different to me. I wonder if my directness is what makes me be seen as boring 

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think people walking ahead of you on dates seems like a small thing but it's a pretty bad red flag. It often means they are in their own world, focusing on what they want rather than being with and enjoying the moment with you. Generally on a date the more together you feel and the more shared the experience the better.

As for this latest guy it all seems like good signs so far tbh, it's mostly your doubts getting in the way. He seems to be communicating appropriately, if he was flooding you with "good morning baby 😘" texts while he was away I'd say that was a worse sign to be honest. Just go and meet him next week and try to keep an open mind, you don't need to find bad signs when there don't seem to be any yet.

Some people tell me ‘move on he’s not interested! An interested guy would text! ‘ but then others like yourself tell me he is interested.

I didn’t feel a crazy spark on the date like I did with the last guy I dated. The convo with this guy was a bit more awkward, not as easy flowing, still nice. But the last guy we would talk and talk and talk about random topics like science and stuff like that, where as the new guy wanted to ask about my family, and if I want kids, relationship goals, what I value in relationships. 
 

With the last guy, I worry it’s my fault me and him didn’t get deep enough. Every time I steered the Convo toward deeper topics, he seemed a little surprised and uncomfortable. Even asking him what he’s looking for caused him to look uncomfortable and say ‘oh I wasn’t expecting this question, please bear with me.’

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I see first dates though as kinda first meets and usually they not romantic. Like I don’t usually feel attraction on a first date it comes later, but that’s annoying 

I don’t want to block the last guy as I want to keep it open for connecting again in future.sometimes I wonder if there is some attraction there hence he likes all my pics and messages me from time to time. Then sometimes I wonder why I am only seen as a friend and if I lack allure

 

i wouldn’t want to date that seat guy either! How strange. But equally I would never behave in such a way but still can’t find a partner. I’m a very mature woman but I’m also very direct person, I am very direct in my communications and sometimes I worry that’s bad. My siblings have a lot more success in dating than me, including my twin sister but they are soooo different to me. I wonder if my directness is what makes me be seen as boring 

From your last thread and this one there's ample evidence that that guy isn't worth your energy at all. Just cut it off completely. If you're still hung up on him you won't be able to give yourself fully to another guy.

As mentioned in the other thread directness is a tool that you have to be careful with. It's good sometimes to stand your ground but it can come off as bitter arrogant and rude.