I've never been pursued by a man before

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Not on the first date but I talked about this maybe 2 months in with him. I know not to approach too deep a topic too early 

 

the guy I went on a date with last week asked me about my trauma and past relationships. Which I really felt uncomfortable with on a first date. 

Yeah, two months in is not too bad.....and what was that guy thinking when he asking about trauma on a first date?!!  

However, I would be cautious about approaching very deep topics at any time....even if you've been with them for ages.  Not everyone wants to pick thought s*** from their past, or share their deepest thoughts, so I would always wait for them to disclose rather than ask about it.  I know that my husband doesn't enjoy those topics and I respect this.   I don't particularly like deep sharing either.  But my best friend does like to talk about this and I'm there for her when she chooses to talk about it. 

All that said, if you need someone who goes deep, then you do what you are comfortable with and let the guys decide if this is the kind of relationship they want

 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One last thing is you know the last guy I dated. It was no doubt that me and him had this amazing convos, loads in common, we just clicked. He would kiss me and touch me a lot. But I never really saw him look at my body. I can’t stop wondering how it’s possible to click with someone and have physical chemsitry and it not go further. And I keep wondering if this basically means I’m not attractive? It’s really starting to concern me now.

when I go out and about men stare and admire but I never notice the same interest by the men I go on dates with..

Is it bad thing that a guy is discreet when checking out the body of a woman he's actually on a date with?   Not everyone wants to date a perv

There is "clicking" with somebody and there is "I really enjoy this person's company and I can't wait to see them again".   Perhaps the 'click' isn't strong enough.   And physical chemistry can happen with someone who's not who we want to date.  

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, two months in is not too bad.....and what was that guy thinking when he asking about trauma on a first date?!!  

However, I would be cautious about approaching very deep topics at any time....even if you've been with them for ages.  Not everyone wants to pick thought s*** from their past, or share their deepest thoughts, so I would always wait for them to disclose rather than ask about it.  I know that my husband doesn't enjoy those topics and I respect this.   I don't particularly like deep sharing either.  But my best friend does like to talk about this and I'm there for her when she chooses to talk about it. 

All that said, if you need someone who goes deep, then you do what you are comfortable with and let the guys decide if this is the kind of relationship they want

 

Yeah the guy asked me what my longest relationship was and I had to tell him my longest was 7 months. And he asked me why that is. And I didn’t want to talk about the reason why on the first date because it upsets me that men don’t choose to continue dating me.

can I just say one more thing. You know me and the last guy, we had one of those connections where we just click. Like we’ve known each other forver. I’d he turned up right now, we’d just talk and talk and talk and it would be easy. So him ending things and saying not romantic only leads me to believe it’s my looks or something wrong with me. Even my ex said he didn’t feel romantic either and he didn’t want to take me on dates. It all feels so impossible 

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Is it bad thing that a guy is discreet when checking out the body of a woman he's actually on a date with?   Not everyone wants to date a perv

There is "clicking" with somebody and there is "I really enjoy this person's company and I can't wait to see them again".   Perhaps the 'click' isn't strong enough.   And physical chemistry can happen with someone who's not who we want to date.  

I could tell he enjoyed my company though. He would put his head on my shoulder and go ‘my lady, I’m having the most wonderful time with you. You know that don’t you. Me and you get along so well.’ And I would blush and lean into him. I never thought he would end things soon after. I honestly don’t get it, I’ve been one like 20 dates since and no one clicks like me and him did 

[Gaeta]

I am confused because l don't know if you're talking about this current guy and last guy.

You seem to be only interested in talking about this last guy. Forget about last guy, he was playing a good game and because you are inexperienced you interpreted as him being into you. 

If someone ask you a question like why your longest relationship only lasted 7 months you don't need to get in details, just say you were not a good match and change the subject.

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 The last guy told me I was too nice and I don’t know what that means?

He doesn't know you.  He has no idea whether you are too nice or not nice.   People say "you're too nice" if you come off as a pushover, if you are trying too hard, or maybe it's just a way to avoid something.   Whatever.  A guy who doesn't know you saying that after a brief amount of talking is not worth trying to figure out.

One more thing:  You mentioned at least twice whether you should hold out hope for the vacation guy or "write him off."  I suggest the proper answer to that question is:  NEITHER ONE.  You don't know each other, you have only dated once (I think - it's a bit confusing honestly), he was on vacation.  

You can live your life, meet other guys if any are of interest, and go ahead and see that one again if he reaches out.   Play it by ear.

I have a sense that you are very intense when you date and perhaps make the guys a little nervous.  You have a HUGE amount of all kinds of stuff hinging on the reactions you're getting, or not getting, from men.   That's understandable - but it might be off-putting.  I realize that this is much easier said than done but please try to take it a little easy.

[PeachPalm1]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He doesn't know you.  He has no idea whether you are too nice or not nice.   People say "you're too nice" if you come off as a pushover, if you are trying too hard, or maybe it's just a way to avoid something.   Whatever.  A guy who doesn't know you saying that after a brief amount of talking is not worth trying to figure out.

One more thing:  You mentioned at least twice whether you should hold out hope for the vacation guy or "write him off."  I suggest the proper answer to that question is:  NEITHER ONE.  You don't know each other, you have only dated once (I think - it's a bit confusing honestly), he was on vacation.  

You can live your life, meet other guys if any are of interest, and go ahead and see that one again if he reaches out.   Play it by ear.

I have a sense that you are very intense when you date and perhaps make the guys a little nervous.  You have a HUGE amount of all kinds of stuff hinging on the reactions you're getting, or not getting, from men.   That's understandable - but it might be off-putting.  I realize that this is much easier said than done but please try to take it a little easy.

I do take it easy! Trust me!

my last ex, told me that after the first date he really wasn’t sure if I was interested in him or not as it takes me a while to know. And i worry sometimes that’s the problem as I hold off until I am sure if I like someone. I’m not intense I can assure you

[PeachPalm1]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am confused because l don't know if you're talking about this current guy and last guy.

You seem to be only interested in talking about this last guy. Forget about last guy, he was playing a good game and because you are inexperienced you interpreted as him being into you. 

If someone ask you a question like why your longest relationship only lasted 7 months you don't need to get in details, just say you were not a good match and change the subject.

You really think the last guy was playing a game? He seemed genuine at the time. When he introduced me to his mates he said something about playing the long game whatever that means. 

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

You really think the last guy was playing a game? He seemed genuine at the time. When he introduced me to his mates he said something about playing the long game whatever that means. 

Did he play the long game? No. He was all talk.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I am confused because l don't know if you're talking about this current guy and last guy.

Same here. @PeachPalm1 you’ve mentioned a few different guys in this thread so it would be helpful if you could give some context as to who you are referring to in different comments

[basil67]

“Too nice” can mean pushover, innocent or not wanting to make a decision which would affect both of you…like saying “whatever you want” every time he asks what you want to do

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I do take it easy! Trust me!

So ... are you faking it here when you come off as sort of obsessive, and also not engaging with people who are talking to you?  Instead you tend to just keep on with the narrative you started with.   It's like you're having the conversation all by yourself.

In real life you aren't like that?  

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I could tell he enjoyed my company though. He would put his head on my shoulder and go ‘my lady, I’m having the most wonderful time with you. You know that don’t you. Me and you get along so well.’ And I would blush and lean into him. I never thought he would end things soon after. I honestly don’t get it, I’ve been one like 20 dates since and no one clicks like me and him did 

He knows how to schmooze and be romantic, plenty of guys out there are good at this. It doesn't mean he particularly cares about you in general, just maybe that he was enjoying that particular moment hanging out with a girl by his side.

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

He doesn't know you.  He has no idea whether you are too nice or not nice.   People say "you're too nice" if you come off as a pushover, if you are trying too hard, or maybe it's just a way to avoid something.   Whatever.  A guy who doesn't know you saying that after a brief amount of talking is not worth trying to figure out.

One more thing:  You mentioned at least twice whether you should hold out hope for the vacation guy or "write him off."  I suggest the proper answer to that question is:  NEITHER ONE.  You don't know each other, you have only dated once (I think - it's a bit confusing honestly), he was on vacation.  

You can live your life, meet other guys if any are of interest, and go ahead and see that one again if he reaches out.   Play it by ear.

I have a sense that you are very intense when you date and perhaps make the guys a little nervous.  You have a HUGE amount of all kinds of stuff hinging on the reactions you're getting, or not getting, from men.   That's understandable - but it might be off-putting.  I realize that this is much easier said than done but please try to take it a little easy.

I can't speak for all men, but I think what most single men dream of is meeting a cute girl, hitting it off, feeling completely at ease with her and chatting the night away about everything and anything, maybe having a kiss at the end of the night and going home with a warm fuzzy feeling thinking, "damn, this girl is cool".

When you go into things with an underlying thought like "Oh my god I don't know if I'm loveable, I hope this guy doesn't fade out on me like the other guy did", it creates a huge amount of tension, which even if you don't say or do anything explicitly is going to come across. You're also focusing just on what you want to obtain from him rather than him, which is also going to come across. If he thinks you're a cute girl and is going into the date with some nerves and insecurities himself, it's going to translate to a pretty weird vibe rather than a comfortable, flowing one.

Basically for a good date to happen the energies need to match, and if one or both people is left uneasy because the other is focused on something else, ie "oh god I hope I'm not unloveable" it's hard for this to happen.

[PeachPalm1]

38 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I can't speak for all men, but I think what most single men dream of is meeting a cute girl, hitting it off, feeling completely at ease with her and chatting the night away about everything and anything, maybe having a kiss at the end of the night and going home with a warm fuzzy feeling thinking, "damn, this girl is cool".

When you go into things with an underlying thought like "Oh my god I don't know if I'm loveable, I hope this guy doesn't fade out on me like the other guy did", it creates a huge amount of tension, which even if you don't say or do anything explicitly is going to come across. You're also focusing just on what you want to obtain from him rather than him, which is also going to come across. If he thinks you're a cute girl and is going into the date with some nerves and insecurities himself, it's going to translate to a pretty weird vibe rather than a comfortable, flowing one.

Basically for a good date to happen the energies need to match, and if one or both people is left uneasy because the other is focused on something else, ie "oh god I hope I'm not unloveable" it's hard for this to happen.

I appreciate that but I only go on dates when I am feeling good headspace and good about myself. I go in with a positive mindset  it’s just always hurts a lot when it’s like constant rejection, like it chips away at you. surely if you got rejected a lot you would feel the same way?

the last guy I dated (for 3 months) on dates I didn’t feel any drop of insecurity it was just me enjoying the moment and being excited for where things would lead. Only after the dates when he was distant was when I started to feel uncomfortable. But all good vibes in person 

[ExpatInItaly]

You really need to get over the last guy,: This thread is going to go in circles just like your other ones where all you do is repeat the same things about that man. We know. Most of us participated in those threads and you should let it rest. 

Now, this current guy: like the others, I am confused. He asked you for a second date, you accepted, and then he messaged again to say he doesn't feel a connection? Is that correct? 

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I appreciate that but I only go on dates when I am feeling good headspace and good about myself. I go in with a positive mindset  it’s just always hurts a lot when it’s like constant rejection, like it chips away at you. surely if you got rejected a lot you would feel the same way?

the last guy I dated (for 3 months) on dates I didn’t feel any drop of insecurity it was just me enjoying the moment and being excited for where things would lead. Only after the dates when he was distant was when I started to feel uncomfortable. But all good vibes in person 

Of course, it's incredibly frustrating, I'm with you there.

The problem is some beliefs like this don't go and come with your mood, they're ingrained into your psyche and constantly there in the background like a screensaver affecting your life.

For example if your parents were very cold emotionally you'll have a tendency to look for similar people in your dating life with a focus on changing them, even though this is a total false economy (just speaking about my own experience, everyone goes through different stuff).

They can be very hard to shift, meditation and therapy are usually the best way.

Edited June 20 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

26 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Of course, it's incredibly frustrating, I'm with you there.

The problem is some beliefs like this don't go and come with your mood, they're ingrained into your psyche and constantly there in the background like a screensaver affecting your life.

For example if your parents were very cold emotionally you'll have a tendency to look for similar people in your dating life with a focus on changing them, even though this is a total false economy (just speaking about my own experience, everyone goes through different stuff).

They can be very hard to shift, meditation and therapy are usually the best way.

When I choose someone to date, I like to choose people who are very engaging from the first conversation. Friendly looking men who look kind is what attracts me. I don’t feel I choose unemotional people at all. The last guy just appeared distant and unemotional at times 

[PeachPalm1]

34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You really need to get over the last guy,: This thread is going to go in circles just like your other ones where all you do is repeat the same things about that man. We know. Most of us participated in those threads and you should let it rest. 

Now, this current guy: like the others, I am confused. He asked you for a second date, you accepted, and then he messaged again to say he doesn't feel a connection? Is that correct? 

He did yeah and then he didn’t reply back for a few days and said he’s done some thinking and that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection. 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He did yeah and then he didn’t reply back for a few days and said he’s done some thinking and that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection. 

But you said here that he texted back yesterday asking for a second date after a quiet period, and then a few hours later said he told you he didnt feel a connection. Was it not the same day?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

But you said here that he texted back yesterday asking for a second date after a quiet period, and then a few hours later said he told you he didnt feel a connection. Was it not the same day?

This is what I don't get either. 

OP,  what is really going on? 

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, FredEire said:

But you said here that he texted back yesterday asking for a second date after a quiet period, and then a few hours later said he told you he didnt feel a connection. Was it not the same day?

Yes same day sorry, a few hours later. After being quiet for a few days 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yes same day sorry, a few hours later. After being quiet for a few days 

Well, I'd say that's quite unusual. Hard to know why he flip-flopped so quickly between wanting to see you again and not wanting to.

It's not really worth thinking about though. Don't take it personally and just move on.

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well, I'd say that's quite unusual. Hard to know why he flip-flopped so quickly between wanting to see you again and not wanting to.

It's not really worth thinking about though. Don't take it personally and just move on.

I just feel a little bit doomed. The reason I am so anxious is that I have health condition so I have to have kids in the next few years as I won’t be able to after that. 

my life goal is to have a family of my own. I don’t tell the men this. But I think it’s why I’m so hung up on the last guy because he wanted kids as well, I don’t know why he wasted my time like he did. 

[FredEire]

46 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just feel a little bit doomed. The reason I am so anxious is that I have health condition so I have to have kids in the next few years as I won’t be able to after that. 

my life goal is to have a family of my own. I don’t tell the men this. But I think it’s why I’m so hung up on the last guy because he wanted kids as well, I don’t know why he wasted my time like he did. 

Ok so I think you mentioned a medical condition in the previous thread but not the detail about kids, so that could be a big factor in your anxieties.

I think it's a good idea not to mention this until you're getting more serious with someone. I think it'd be helpful to work on this with a therapist, as it's not something within your control unfortunately. You have to find a way to accept what is and not try to force the issue.