I've never been pursued by a man before

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Some people tell me ‘move on he’s not interested! An interested guy would text! ‘ but then others like yourself tell me he is interested.

I didn’t feel a crazy spark on the date like I did with the last guy I dated. The convo with this guy was a bit more awkward, not as easy flowing, still nice. But the last guy we would talk and talk and talk about random topics like science and stuff like that, where as the new guy wanted to ask about my family, and if I want kids, relationship goals, what I value in relationships. 
 

With the last guy, I worry it’s my fault me and him didn’t get deep enough. Every time I steered the Convo toward deeper topics, he seemed a little surprised and uncomfortable. Even asking him what he’s looking for caused him to look uncomfortable and say ‘oh I wasn’t expecting this question, please bear with me.’

Well you told us that he just texted. An interested guy maybe wouldn't leave you on read for a week, but a text about meeting up again while he's on holiday seems engaged enough to me. There's nothing more stifling and off-putting than getting spammed by someone after one or two good dates, that was my point. He seems to have a good balance.

It seems you were really infatuated with this guy, which makes you romanticise him in your head. I've been there believe me, but assuming everything you've said about him is more or less accurate any impartial observer on these forums could tell you you didn't lose out on much. The fact it didn't go anywhere with him wasn't because you missed some vital chess move, he just wasn't a good fit.

Edited June 19 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, FredEire said:

From your last thread and this one there's ample evidence that that guy isn't worth your energy at all. Just cut it off completely. If you're still hung up on him you won't be able to give yourself fully to another guy.

As mentioned in the other thread directness is a tool that you have to be careful with. It's good sometimes to stand your ground but it can come off as bitter arrogant and rude.

I’m not arrogant and rude though, I’m just direct  like clear on my intentions, clear on plans, . The last guy told me I was too nice and I don’t know what that means?

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m not arrogant and rude though, I’m just direct  like clear on my intentions, clear on plans, . The last guy told me I was too nice and I don’t know what that means?

Nobody thinks they are arrogant and rude, it's just something to keep in mind if you say something and the reaction is to get annoyed or go on the defensive.

Could mean anything to be honest. "Too nice" usually is code for unassertive. Directness isn't necessarily assertiveness, which is a very positive quality and a sign of true confidence. It's more about taking the lead, standing in your own power and being comfortable with who you are. Being too direct to the point of being rude can often be seen in people with low self-worth as an effort to take power and control of their life and the people around them, because underneath the hard exterior theres a lot of self-resentment.

But without knowing him or the context I have no idea why he'd say that. Maybe it was a throwaway comment, anyone's guess.

Edited June 19 by FredEire

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t want to block the last guy as I want to keep it open for connecting again in future.sometimes I wonder if there is some attraction there hence he likes all my pics and messages me from time to time. Then sometimes I wonder why I am only seen as a friend and if I lack allure

Mature women do not do that. 

If you met a man you liked and he kept communication with an ex-date just in case things developed to something else, you would conclude he's not emotionally available and therefore a waste of your time. 

Drop that clown. Do it cold turkey. Block him everywhere. You're suffering from an infatuation and this will screw your chances at meeting a good man.

Edited June 19 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Some people tell me ‘move on he’s not interested! An interested guy would text!

How much texting you and your friends think he should be doing while on vacation?

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But the last guy we would talk and talk and talk about random topics like science and stuff like that, where as the new guy wanted to ask about my family, and if I want kids, relationship goals, what I value in relationships. 

Last guy wanted entertainment  but he was not interested in getting to know you better & deeper.

The new guy was asking all of the right questions and he's representative of a man that's serious about getting to know you. Because you did not feel a spark on that first date doesn't mean your relationship cannot develop into something deep. I always needed a few dates to warm up to a man. That's normal for many women. 

What you've experienced with last guy is infatuation. The chemical in your brain got so out of whack that  you can't see clear. Those types of relationships are dangerous as the infatuated one cannot recognize when they're being used, manipulated, even abused. 

[happyhorizons]

Attraction, love, and relationships are very difficult to FORCE and just seems like so much of this being forced 

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Find things that make you feel good in life, let dating be a sideshow rather than the center of your life.

This is good advice.   The way you're approaching this ... it is not going to work out.   You have everything all mixed up in inappropriate order.  

Your last thread went on and on and the central idea was that a guy - ANY guy - "should" like / pursue / love / join with you in a relationship because you are an attractive nice young woman.

It went on and on.

You were and still are hung up on something you've constructed in your imagination on all false premises.

In this thread you're more focussed on being "pursued."  Well, you might as well just listen now and drop this train of thought.  Who knows.  Maybe some guy WILL pursue you.  You will probably feel flattered, since it's a big wish of yours.  But ... it means almost nothing insofar as whether he would make a good partner for you, or whether he's interested in really dating you, or even if he's single. 

You need to live your life and learn about men and relationships and how this all happens in the real world.  Not how you have made it out to be, and obsessed relentlessly upon,  in your own imagination.
 

[PeachPalm1]

42 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Attraction, love, and relationships are very difficult to FORCE and just seems like so much of this being forced 

Not trying to force anything. Just questioning dating as it confuses me 

[PeachPalm1]

12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is good advice.   The way you're approaching this ... it is not going to work out.   You have everything all mixed up in inappropriate order.  

Your last thread went on and on and the central idea was that a guy - ANY guy - "should" like / pursue / love / join with you in a relationship because you are an attractive nice young woman.

It went on and on.

You were and still are hung up on something you've constructed in your imagination on all false premises.

In this thread you're more focussed on being "pursued."  Well, you might as well just listen now and drop this train of thought.  Who knows.  Maybe some guy WILL pursue you.  You will probably feel flattered, since it's a big wish of yours.  But ... it means almost nothing insofar as whether he would make a good partner for you, or whether he's interested in really dating you, or even if he's single. 

You need to live your life and learn about men and relationships and how this all happens in the real world.  Not how you have made it out to be, and obsessed relentlessly upon,  in your own imagination.
 

I know dating is just confusing 

 

2 years ago I got dumped by my ex. I never had these anxieties about my ex, I never worried about him not texting me, I never felt butterflies but I felt safe and happy and comfortable. And then I got dumped out the blue

and ever since I’ve just  struggled to trust men. dating doesn’t feel the same anymore. Hence my post, I am just confused there is so many self help books and dating advice and dating rules etc etc , and here I am worried about if I will ever feel into some one again 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Last guy wanted entertainment  but he was not interested in getting to know you better & deeper.

The new guy was asking all of the right questions and he's representative of a man that's serious about getting to know you. Because you did not feel a spark on that first date doesn't mean your relationship cannot develop into something deep. I always needed a few dates to warm up to a man. That's normal for many women. 

What you've experienced with last guy is infatuation. The chemical in your brain got so out of whack that  you can't see clear. Those types of relationships are dangerous as the infatuated one cannot recognize when they're being used, manipulated, even abused. 

Infatuation is a wonderful feeling when you feel close to the person, horrible when you feel doubts. I don't know if it ever works out in the long term, it hasn't for me.

As @Gaeta said you have to be careful, it's like attraction turned into a crack addiction. It's certainly not "love" which is a lot deeper than the chemical rush you can get from infatuation with someone you've had a handful of dates with.

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

And then I got dumped out the blue

And? You got sad, got over it, moved on. 

Being dumped is part of life. Among the very bad things that could happen to you in this world, being dumped by a boyfriend is low low low on the list of horrible things. Every day people learn they have incurable diseases, they will die or lose a limp, they learn their children are sick, they lose a parent, a sibling, they lose their homes to fire and lose all of their memories, they go bankrupt and lose their home. Anxiety is your brain making a mountain out of a spec of dust. 

Marilyn Monroe said: Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

[PeachPalm1]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And? You got sad, got over it, moved on. 

Being dumped is part of life. Among the very bad things that could happen to you in this world, being dumped by a boyfriend is low low low on the list of horrible things. Every day people learn they have incurable diseases, they will die or lose a limp, they learn their children are sick, they lose a parent, a sibling, they lose their homes to fire and lose all of their memories, they go bankrupt and lose their home. Anxiety is your brain making a mountain out of a spec of dust. 

Marilyn Monroe said: Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

Ok so update, I just got a text from the guy I went on a date last week. He says on reflection he had a nice time but doesn’t feel romantic connection

i really don’t know what I am doing wrong now  I shouldn’t be rejected as much as this 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

really don’t know what I am doing wrong now  I shouldn’t be rejected as much as this 

How did you reply to his 2nd date invitation? Were you enthusiastic?

Here is what l suspect. You are sending the wrong energy out there because you are still hung up on last guy.  All of this is invisible but soooo easy to 'feel' from someone. 

You came on here and only had negative things to say about this man all the while you kept talking as to why last guy can't be into you. 

I was thinking you did not want to see the potential in this new man because you want to be free for last guy.

[PeachPalm1]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How did you reply to his 2nd date invitation? Were you enthusiastic?

Here is what l suspect. You are sending the wrong energy out there because you are still hung up on last guy.  All of this is invisible but soooo easy to 'feel' from someone. 

You came on here and only had negative things to say about this man all the while you kept talking as to why last guy can't be into you. 

I was thinking you did not want to see the potential in this new man because you want to be free for last guy.

I said ‘that sounds super, I’d love to see you again ☺️’  I did see the potential in this new guy and I was so positive and enjoying the date with him 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He says on reflection he had a nice time but doesn’t feel romantic connection

i really don’t know what I am doing wrong now  I shouldn’t be rejected as much as this 

This is very normal if you’re dating strangers. One and done is pretty typical. Usually one person or the other isn’t feeling it.  Don’t spend time or emotional energy on someone you’re not going to go on another date with. Just move on.

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m confused. So he asked you on a second date and then said he felt no connection?  

Edited June 19 by MsJayne

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Not trying to force anything. Just questioning dating as it confuses me 

You are looking for easy answers to the questions you have ... but you don't even know what questions to ask because you don't know what is actually going on between people who meet,  are attracted, go on dates, and develop a relationship.  And then all the millions of things that go into the lifetime of a relationship.

You will have to stop trying to find answers to all these questions like "do attractive women get friend zoned?"  "how often will an interested man text if they're interested?"   "What acceptable excuse does this guy have for not feeling romantic towards me? "

THERE ARE NOT ANSWERS.  

You need to get to know PEOPLE and let them get to know you.  

Please stop trying to lead with the idea that a huge spark or hot pursuit is going to end up meaningful because that is very often not the case.

On the other hand, if a person is not "feeling it' they certainly do not need a reason or to explain why.   It is just the way it is.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

With the last guy, I worry it’s my fault me and him didn’t get deep enough. Every time I steered the Convo toward deeper topics, he seemed a little surprised and uncomfortable. Even asking him what he’s looking for caused him to look uncomfortable and say ‘oh I wasn’t expecting this question, please bear with me.’

Anyone who's actively dating should expect the "what are you looking for" question and have a ready answer.   And even if they aren't prepared, dodging the question is a red flag. A clumsy answer is better than a deferred answer

What kind of deeper topics do you explore? 

[PeachPalm1]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Anyone who's actively dating should expect the "what are you looking for" question and have a ready answer.   And even if they aren't prepared, dodging the question is a red flag. A clumsy answer is better than a deferred answer

What kind of deeper topics do you explore? 

Like questions about past relationships, what he misses about home, questions about his family, just deeper but not super deep..

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You are looking for easy answers to the questions you have ... but you don't even know what questions to ask because you don't know what is actually going on between people who meet,  are attracted, go on dates, and develop a relationship.  And then all the millions of things that go into the lifetime of a relationship.

You will have to stop trying to find answers to all these questions like "do attractive women get friend zoned?"  "how often will an interested man text if they're interested?"   "What acceptable excuse does this guy have for not feeling romantic towards me? "

THERE ARE NOT ANSWERS.  

You need to get to know PEOPLE and let them get to know you.  

Please stop trying to lead with the idea that a huge spark or hot pursuit is going to end up meaningful because that is very often not the case.

On the other hand, if a person is not "feeling it' they certainly do not need a reason or to explain why.   It is just the way it is.

Yes I know a strong spark doesn’t always mean anything and that’s why I hoped to go on another date with this man from the other day. It was a nice convo but not a crazy spark. I didn’t feel that much connection or attraction but I thought that to be expected from a first date. I know these things can develop. Which is why is frustrating he already said he didn’t feel romantic when I’m like of course not, romantic connection  not something that is instant 

[basil67]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

Like questions about past relationships, what he misses about home, questions about his family, just deeper but not super deep..

This is the guy who just messaged to say that he's not feeling it?

To be honest, I think that these questions are a bit too deep for someone we barely know.  And not everyone likes talking about past relationships or missing things about home.  And both of these topics can provoke negative feelings which they may not want to share or bring to the surface.   Meanwhile, families can be complex.   Also, other people may not want to hear about your past relationships.   

I'd give the guy space to bring up these topics if and when he wants.  Keep your conversations positive and upbeat.  Talk about the good and fun stuff in life

[PeachPalm1]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is the guy who just messaged to say that he's not feeling it?

To be honest, I think that these questions are a bit too deep for someone we barely know.  And not everyone likes talking about past relationships or missing things about home.  And both of these topics can provoke negative feelings which they may not want to share or bring to the surface.   Meanwhile, families can be complex.   Also, other people may not want to hear about your past relationships.   

I'd give the guy space to bring up these topics if and when he wants.  Keep your conversations positive and upbeat.  Talk about the good and fun stuff in life

Not on the first date but I talked about this maybe 2 months in with him. I know not to approach too deep a topic too early 

 

the guy I went on a date with last week asked me about my trauma and past relationships. Which I really felt uncomfortable with on a first date. 

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

he guy I went on a date with last week asked me about my trauma and past relationships. Which I really felt uncomfortable with on a first date. 

Asking about past trauma during a first date is a weird question unless he was within the topic of the conversation. 

When l had a first date with a man l already knew about his past relationships. It was amoung my very first questions. I was not looking to hear the details but l needed to know who l was dealing with  like  if he were married before, how long he had been single. 

This guy did the right thing, he told you quickly he did not wish to continue, he could have acted like a coward and do a slow fade. Because he changed his mind right after inviting you on a second date l think something happenned like his ex came back or someone he was more interested in showed up. 

Don't ask yourself why, it's not important, move on to next.

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Asking about past trauma during a first date is a weird question unless he was within the topic of the conversation. 

When l had a first date with a man l already knew about his past relationships. It was amoung my very first questions. I was not looking to hear the details but l needed to know who l was dealing with  like  if he were married before, how long he had been single. 

This guy did the right thing, he told you quickly he did not wish to continue, he could have acted like a coward and do a slow fade. Because he changed his mind right after inviting you on a second date l think something happenned like his ex came back or someone he was more interested in showed up. 

Don't ask yourself why, it's not important, move on to next.

One last thing is you know the last guy I dated. It was no doubt that me and him had this amazing convos, loads in common, we just clicked. He would kiss me and touch me a lot. But I never really saw him look at my body. I can’t stop wondering how it’s possible to click with someone and have physical chemsitry and it not go further. And I keep wondering if this basically means I’m not attractive? It’s really starting to concern me now.

when I go out and about men stare and admire but I never notice the same interest by the men I go on dates with..