Author PeachPalm1 Posted June 20 Author Share Posted June 20 15 minutes ago, FredEire said: Ok so I think you mentioned a medical condition in the previous thread but not the detail about kids, so that could be a big factor in your anxieties. I think it's a good idea not to mention this until you're getting more serious with someone. I think it'd be helpful to work on this with a therapist, as it's not something within your control unfortunately. You have to find a way to accept what is and not try to force the issue. I’d love to afford a therapist haha, at the end of the month sometimes I can’t even afford to pay my bills! Most months actually Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 (edited) 12 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said: I’d love to afford a therapist haha, at the end of the month sometimes I can’t even afford to pay my bills! Most months actually I know, it's in affordably expensive for a lot of people. Talks with the right friends and good self-help books can be good as well. The problem with living in anxiety is that it puts you in your head and not with your feet on the ground, meaning that you are disconnected from yourself, from reality and the people around you. Edited June 20 by FredEire Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: When I choose someone to date, I like to choose people who are very engaging from the first conversation. Friendly looking men who look kind is what attracts me. I don’t feel I choose unemotional people at all. The last guy just appeared distant and unemotional at times Maybe you should start letting the men chose you instead of you choosing them. That way you'll have a better chance of them chasing you since that is what you're looking for. I think it's better when both parties are mutually interested and excited to see each other rather than one having to chase the other for attention. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said: I’d love to afford a therapist haha, at the end of the month sometimes I can’t even afford to pay my bills! Most months actually This is a problem. You need to be able to take care of yourself properly before thinking of getting into a romantic relationship. And this is doubly important if you want kids. Could be what’s turning the men off. They might feel vibes that you’re really only after $$. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: This is a problem. You need to be able to take care of yourself properly before thinking of getting into a romantic relationship. And this is doubly important if you want kids. Could be what’s turning the men off. They might feel vibes that you’re really only after $$. It's not unusual for people in their late 20s and early 30s these days to not have spare funds for stuff like therapy. That being said its important to make strides towards being financially stable. My own therapist feels I should focus more on practicalities like this and my love life will more or less sort itself out (which sometimes makes me wonder if I should be on sites like this one 😂). It might be good advice for you too. Take the focus off dating for now and concentrate on getting yourself a job that will allow you to do things like go to therapy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 My view on therapy is is not popular here, its certainly not a fix all solution in my opinion. The problem I think with dating is people let it become all consuming and that never adds to life and sure it would be nice to be pursued by someone but will it really improve your life? What it can do is improve your confidence which you can then take forward, I really maintain that if you get some good positive experiences its will give you a lot of confidence to move forward but to also better deal with setbacks. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: I’d love to afford a therapist haha, at the end of the month sometimes I can’t even afford to pay my bills! Most months actually It's normal to live paycheck to paycheck at 29 years old. Financial stability comes much later in life. We are all humans with flaws and we do our best to work on our flaws. I know people living with anxiety and they manage to be happy, they're in relationships, they have children, they have friends and good jobs. You need to understand what is anxiety and when you feel it rise in you, you inner-talk yourself out of it with deep breathing. Like @FredEire said get reading about it, learn how to recognize the first symptoms and learn tricks to get it under control. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 "Compatibility" isn't just a matter of personality/getting along, it's also a matter of what's going on in one's life. This guy and you aren't compatible because he's too busy with whatever the other stuff in his life that keeps him away for weeks is. He doesn't have time (or won't commit time) to give you the amount of attention/time together /"chasing" that is/you feel is an emotional need for you. While you may have had high hopes due to your feelings of "connection" etc, this is simply a case of incompatibility. If you recognize that, there's no reason to be down on yourself, feel that dating is impossible, etc. It's also true that full adults tend to have less free time than we did when younger, so you may need to curtail your expectations in terms of "time spent chasing". That said it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable in your expectations or anything like that. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 7 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: I appreciate that but I only go on dates when I am feeling good headspace and good about myself. I go in with a positive mindset it’s just always hurts a lot when it’s like constant rejection, like it chips away at you. surely if you got rejected a lot you would feel the same way? Well, I will advise you to step aside from your certainty that you know how you are coming off to other people. Lots of people have poor self awareness and it takes experience and a certain level of willingness to listen to others, pay attention to reality rather than your inner narrative (that you have created yourself) to gain good self awareness. With that, you will be able to make progress and not stay stuck like a broken record. When it comes to "rejection" you are determined to categorize every guy that does not fall for you as "rejecting" you. That's a false narrative that you are telling yourself over and over and over. It's running grooves into your brain and the longer you keep it up the more it will rule your life. Do you have a therapist? Do you have any type of neurodivergence that's been diagnosed? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is what I don't get either. OP, what is really going on? This is reminiscent of how OP's age has bounced around between 25 and 29 years across the various threads 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 17 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said: Yes I know a strong spark doesn’t always mean anything and that’s why I hoped to go on another date with this man from the other day. It was a nice convo but not a crazy spark. I didn’t feel that much connection or attraction but I thought that to be expected from a first date. I know these things can develop. Which is why is frustrating he already said he didn’t feel romantic when I’m like of course not, romantic connection not something that is instant But sometimes connections are instant and not just good conversation, but sexual attraction as well. If a man is not feeling sexually attracted it is rare he's going to want to go further no matter how good the conversation is. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 10 hours ago, ZA Dater said: My view on therapy is is not popular here, its certainly not a fix all solution in my opinion. Literally nobody has ever said that therapy is a fix all solution. @PeachPalm1 Therapy can however give you greater awareness of yourself and your interactions with others 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 7 hours ago, basil67 said: Literally nobody has ever said that therapy is a fix all solution. @PeachPalm1 Therapy can however give you greater awareness of yourself and your interactions with others Your point of view is respected. What therapy can also do is make you so self conscious of every single interaction you have which leads to analysis paralysis. OP my advice is to look at your life as whole, decide what you like, what makes you happy, what makes your sad and see in the context of your dating experiences which have added to your life and which have subtracted. I'll say you should aspire to be pursued by a guy, why not but be aware it might not work out but you could take that confidence forward. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: our point of view is respected. What therapy can also do is make you so self conscious of every single interaction you have which leads to analysis paralysis. Wow. I didn't know this could happen! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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