Had affair with husband in a small friends group - I'm dying from complex emotions

[Asting]

So here you go, in a straight format, I, a single woman, had an affair with one of my married male friend, whose wife is also in the same friend circle.

Growing up always feels a bit slow process to me. I am age 26, in a master program as an international student and just at the very beginning of my career, where everything seems super unsettled. Before I got in with this man (who I met during the program), I ended a 4 year relationship with my ex due to oversea long distance & separating for different path in life. I was at the lowest point of my heart & emotions and yet was at an exciting part of my career & life. I was all boost up in work and social life yet every time I go home at night I felt so empty and sad.

I slowly formed a friend circle (we all international student that lives far away from our family and have the need to take care of each others...) with a few good girl and this married guy (30) which he always happens to be assign as my team mate or event partner in a quinidine.

So the Guy introduced us to his wife, who is not a student yet decided to stick with him while he pursue his master degree (which I found super sweet). We all kinda vibe together so the group of 6 of us slowly became a very close friend circle. Everyday after class I would take my friends back to our apartment. Every week I will call them out to groceries (I am the only person who has a car). Everything seems going really well till the point when it starts to go wrong...

One day when I took the guy back from school (Just the two of us that time) He was talking to me and I got a bit upset cause it was kind of personal question. So I answered and I went silent. Then he rubbed my head softly and saying that he is sorry. At that point I am both surprised for his action and my body reaction. I felt confused as someone elder rubbing my head, I thought this might be inappropriate? But at the same time my body is not rejecting him at all, but rather something wild as been turned on: I think I started to have crush on him.

So day after day while we hangout, I slowly developed this secret crush towards him. And day after day he started to have more physical contact with me. e.g. rubbing my head when no one is around; picking up the best part of a dish and put it on my plate secretly; feeding me snacks and food whenever no one is paying attention... etc. The progress was long and slow and by the time I realized I just can not turn back and say no to his action anymore.

So one day after the winter break I called him out personally and I wanted to make things clear. I found that we have a mutual crush to each other. I told him I don't want to be the bad person and I want this to stop... He agreed but in the end he still hugs me. And we were both a bit drunk. So classic story point, hugs leads to touches and then leads to kisses.

After that there were no turning back. We basically begin the affair without words for 2-3 month. We hang out as much as we can in garage and cars. We had great adventure together in parks when everyone in on roller-coaster and we both happened to hate roller- coaster... We had amazing sex at my place some times. During the time I felt like my heart has been filled. I was so pumped up and energetic cause I felt like I am being love and finally is someone that really fits me. He is older, more mature, takes care of me and helped me with lots of career- relation questions. He encourage me a lot. I think I was thinking of him as both my boyfriend and my father (ya ya I have huge father issue as well).

But as our circle get closer and closer, I started to learn more about the wife. I also started to bond with her as well. And the guilt is gradually eating me up. One day I woke up and had the worst dream about everything. I decided to stop. So I talked to him. Told him that "we" should stop this cause is morally messed up to a crazy extend. He agreed. Yet he still sexed with me for one more time (Found myself super scared during that time, scared and sad but happy... just complex emotions). And at the last day when they are leaving for winter break, he hugged me when no one is around. And I pushed him away.

After he is gone I felt so left out. He was still active in our group chat. He came and say goodnight to me in private chat and often as how my day is going, etc. I felt loved yet I still responded him in a cold way. Then I started changing my signatures and giving him all kinds of hints and signs to push him away, cause I found he was still having emotional affair with me. He was also very broken and one day he come and ask me what I am really thinking. So by that time I have done research on how to properly shut the door as the other woman... I told him stop texting me and everything we've done is wrong and we are the worst kind of human being and we should reflect on ourselves, etc...

He was all heart broken yet he said yes he will do whatever I said. Then he disappeared, deleted his ins account, disappeared from both our private chat and group chat. All my negative emotions have came out during the time. Almost got myself killed and had to find a therapist. After a week I realized my situation is rather more complex than how usual affairs ends since we are still in the same friend circle (plus his wife...) So I have spoken with him once more in a softer tone. He begged me to end this in a peace way without leaving or hurting anyway, and told me his father is having stage 4 cancer and he is really suffering a lot lately. He said all he wants right now is to save as much as the mistake he had made. At the end I told him: We can stay friend, I will not disappeared. But, I do not like you anymore, period. Stop loving me, there is no now, no future. And he said yes.

So officially we NC for a week now. Yes I loved him, and yes and really enjoyed being with him. But no, I can not. He is my friend, and his wife is my friend. I notice they have some issue in their marriage (no sex life, emotional abuse, etc.) But hey, big old dumb me, that is non of my business and I should not get involved in the first place. I am feeling better on being the affair woman side... However I just can not get over with the fact that I have harmed a friend. Multiple friend. I know, I do not deserve to be their friend. And I probably do not deserve to be anyone's friend. Right now I am slowly distancing myself from the friends group, which I found hard also. They were all amazing people and some of them depends on me mentally. They have notice my mood changing and asked me if I am doing ok. I could not say a word and I feel so bad that they actually care for me. I feel like all these years I have been lying to myself growing up. I felt like I am the worst kind of garbage at the bottom of the sewer. I can not cope with myself anymore and been having nightmares and fears about the Ddays, where all my friends and family will leave me and I will left with nothing. My therapist suggested me to talk to a friend I trust. But I felt like I already broke the sacred vow of friendship. and whoever "best friend" get to hear my story will be another victim of this betrayal human nature. So idk, I just been sucking it up. Have my charcoal and everything right next to my sleeping stand and maybe one day I'll die in my own guilt even before the big Dday. I guess right now I have gave up trying to pursue and be success in my career. My priority goal is just live for one more day, and I will be satisfied. 

That is my story so far. I made the affair a hard period. So the affair is end for good and I know it from heart. But my story will continue. I guess it's mainly going to be bad once from now on...

[FMW]

Unfortunately you need to distance yourself from the friend group and try to meet new people with whom to develop friendships and spend time.  Being around the friend and his wife will make it impossible to move on and stop feeling so miserable.  Forgive yourself, and work hard at staying away from them.  Put this in the past.  

[BaileyB]

There is not much to say. You did the right thing by ending the affair. Now, you need to focus on building another support system for yourself because you will need to distance from this man and his wife. It’s good that you are getting some counselling. Best wishes.

[Asting]

Thanks for the replies. I am trying my best to separate myself from the past life. Since the program will last for one more year, I also have the fear of seeing the people (Especially the couples) once again. Right now we are all on our summer break so it is a good time for me to recover and heal... I wish the best to the other side however I will not ever get myself involve again. Plus I am staying with one of the friend for another year in a 2b. idk if I can avoid them 100% but I'll try my best for sure. Will post if there are major updates...

[stillafool]

Glad you wised up and got out of that affair with your friend's husband.  4 year age difference one way or the other is normal and not a big age difference at all so I don't know why you would see him as a father figure.

[Asting]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Glad you wised up and got out of that affair with your friend's husband.  4 year age difference one way or the other is normal and not a big age difference at all so I don't know why you would see him as a father figure.

I think at first before his physical approaches towards me, I was seeing the couple together as my family (e.g. Mom and Dad). And we have this inside joke lots of time calling him the dad. He takes care of the entire friend circle and cook food for us lots of time. So that have led me seeing him as a father figure.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Asting said:

So that have led me seeing him as a father figure.

So you are sexually attracted to someone you consider a father figure and her a a mother figure?  Interesting that you would want sex with him.

[Asting]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

So you are sexually attracted to someone you consider a father figure and her a a mother figure?  Interesting that you would want sex with him.

A very interesting point that I've never thought about. Reminded me of another weird moment. Since I am the person that usually takes care of people, there was at one point when everyone starts calling me the "mom" (even the wife does that, it's messed up). I think that was also another moment when "I" shift my "daughter/sibling" figure towards romantic attraction. Man I still do not understand myself these days.

[happyhorizons]

3 minutes ago, Asting said:

A very interesting point that I've never thought about. Reminded me of another weird moment. Since I am the person that usually takes care of people, there was at one point when everyone starts calling me the "mom" (even the wife does that, it's messed up). I think that was also another moment when "I" shift my "daughter/sibling" figure towards romantic attraction. Man I still do not understand myself these days.

You are going to be OK.  You were NOT ALONE in this whole thing so please do not attempt to bear all of the burden yourself.  It's in the PAST and you have recognized your mistakes so please GO EASY ON YOURSELF.  There is simply NO WAY to undo what transpired but you can certainly be better because of it moving forward.  Learn to love yourself and appreciate your self-worth.  Just acted normally when the group gets back together and TIME will help heal this.

[Asting]

2 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You are going to be OK.  You were NOT ALONE in this whole thing so please do not attempt to bear all of the burden yourself.  It's in the PAST and you have recognized your mistakes so please GO EASY ON YOURSELF.  There is simply NO WAY to undo what transpired but you can certainly be better because of it moving forward.  Learn to love yourself and appreciate your self-worth.  Just acted normally when the group gets back together and TIME will help heal this.

Can't see why I'm not alone in this case. This is a very bad choice that I've made and I shall take 100% responsibility... Discard the other person. However, thank you for your heartwarming words. I will try to work myself through this.

[happyhorizons]

2 minutes ago, Asting said:

Can't see why I'm not alone in this case. This is a very bad choice that I've made and I shall take 100% responsibility... Discard the other person. However, thank you for your heartwarming words. I will try to work myself through this.

What’s the old saying “it takes two to tango”? Please forgive yourself and understand EVERYONE makes mistakes in their lives. Do let this define you or determine your future.

[ExpatInItaly]

How old is this man, OP? 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How old is this man, OP? 

He's only 30.

[BaileyB]

I personally wouldn’t distract focus here - this, to me, reads like a fairly typical affair of convenience in a lot of ways…  

You have already identified that you were feeling isolated/lonely… this group grew together through a mutual interest (school) and a shared experience (social isolation). This is pretty typical of many college experiences. Weak boundaries allowed for the relationship to go further than it should have gone…

It’s pretty awkward to see his wife while in an affair with the man. The ethics of this is difficult to ignore. Personally, I would be exploring the boundary issues here because not many people would have allowed this to progress - given the fact that his wife is also part of the social circle. In other words, you need to work on forming up your boundaries while also creating a new social circle for yourself. 

Edited June 21 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

He's only 30.

So, he's only 4 years old than you? That barely qualifies as an age difference at all.

Anyway, you need to find a new group of friends. You are not a friend to his wife, that's for sure. And it's going to be healthier for you to move away from this group of people anyway. The vibe sounds...off. Like a bunch of adults playing house or something. 

 

[Asting]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I personally wouldn’t distract focus here - this, to me, reads like a fairly typical affair of convenience in a lot of ways…  

You have already identified that you were feeling isolated/lonely… this group grew together through a mutual interest (school) and a shared experience (social isolation). This is pretty typical of many college experiences. Weak boundaries allowed for the relationship to go further than it should have gone…

It’s pretty awkward to see his wife while in an affair with the man. The ethics of this is difficult to ignore. Personally, I would be exploring the boundary issues here because not many people would have allowed this to progress - given the fact that his wife is also part of the social circle. In other words, you need to work on forming up your boundaries while also creating a new social circle for yourself. 

I sure will do my best. 100% agreed on me as a person with no boundary + no ethic. I started to build my boundary with my therapist and started to form new social group in a healthier way. Also to be mentioned first time ever having friend with a married couple. Call me a fool for not recognizing the meaning of marriage in many ways ( not saying that it wouldn't be messed up without marriage but definitely adds more). Having no boundary will not only harm myself but also invade other people's sense of boundaries. 

[Asting]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, he's only 4 years old than you? That barely qualifies as an age difference at all.

Anyway, you need to find a new group of friends. You are not a friend to his wife, that's for sure. And it's going to be healthier for you to move away from this group of people anyway. The vibe sounds...off. Like a bunch of adults playing house or something. 

 

YES. adults acting like middle schoolers. Wish I can cut off contact immediately but is kind of hard since we have one more year and we live in same buildings. Right now all I can do is to learn how to deal with people mutually after this mess I've made. But a big NO NO for any attempts like continuing the old crappie situation for one more year just to keep the balance and making everyone "happy" on the surface. I am just not willing to do harm and be evil anymore...

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, Asting said:

YES. adults acting like middle schoolers

It really is. Calling each other "dad" and "mom" is weird for adults. 

Anyway, now that you have recognized your accountability in this, socialize with them as liitle as possible. You can be civil when you see them but I would really avoid unnecessary engagements with them.