Bern216 Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 I have been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for the past 4 months. The relationship has been absolutely fantastic until this past week. Everything has come so natural and organic for us to the point we both have stated we have never experienced a love like this before. I have never connected so deeply to a person so its been super disappointing to see such a fantastic relationship make such an abrupt change. So we currently are in a long distance relationship but we spend every weekend together. My lease is up in October and I have my current job willing to put in a work transfer for me once my lease is over. Well this past weekend when I came to visit Friday her greeting was very apathetic normally she comes out the door to greet me and seems very excited this time just very cold. As the weekend went on she turned down my advances for intimacy just wasn't very affectionate at all when normally she is a very affectionate person. Then on Sunday when I was with her Family for Fathers day she blew up on me for nothing and started saying demeaning things towards me. That night she wanted to talk and she told me always does this that when things start getting very real she starts shutting down and pushing them away. Eventually breaking down in my arms and telling me she knows ill eventually leave her like everybody else. I told her I wasn't going to give up on her. So my girlfriend has had a rough life especially childhood and her last relationship so she does suffer from a lot of past trauma. Everybody that has been close to her has abandoned her at one point or another including her parents. She also is going through a ton of stress at work plus she has a huge job interview coming up tomorrow so she is mentally exhausted. I love this girl unconditionally so I'm doing my best to be understanding. I just hate how she's taking it out on me and pushing me away. Just seems everything I say or do annoys her at this point. She use to be so excited about me moving in once my lease is up now she doesn't even know if she wants me to come down anymore. Its just frustrating because I have talked to my employer and they've already approved the transfer so at this point I can't have her playing with my life like this. Any insight would be greatly appreciated I just really needed to vent. We currently are talking like we always do. She texts me throughout the day always telling me good morning and I love you every night. Just wish she would stop pushing me away and realize she truly is safe with me. Our ages are 37 and 33 if this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 Your relationship is very new. It wouldn't be wise to make plans on where you will work and live based on her at this point, even if she was being stable and consistent in her words and actions. Beyond possibly going to a shorter term lease, don't make any changes based on her at this point. After 4 months you don't really know each other, and what she's showing you is nothing on which to build a future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 2 hours ago, Bern216 said: I love this girl unconditionally so I'm doing my best to be understanding. I just hate how she's taking it out on me and pushing me away. Unconditional love really only has it's place in parent/child relationships. It's how we can still love our kids even when they are being really shitty. But in an adult relationship, your love should be conditional on receiving love, kindness and respect. Your girlfriend's past sounds very complex. Is she doing therapy to try and recover herself as best she can? Because until she addresses her inner demons, things won't improve. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bern216 Posted June 20 Author Share Posted June 20 FMW - I know 4 months isn't a long time but I've been in 3 year and 6 year relationships and I have never been so certain about somebody. I mean Im not one that puts time on things bc my parents got married after only 3 months and over 40 years later are happily married. But I agree if this behavior is normal for her will be very hard if not impossible to build a future with her. Basil - When she broke down Sunday night she confessed on how she always pushes people away in fear of abandonment and getting hurt. She knows her head is screwed up and did mention getting therapy. So its good to know she is aware that she does have issues that need to be fixed. But I agree until she fixes herself I see this becoming more than just a one time thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 Fear of abandonment and hurt is a very real thing. Most people have it to a certain degree. But when it leads a person to lash out, act irrationally, and push people away, it means that the person needs therapy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 it is very, very difficult to sustain a relationship with people who have such issues. Unless and until she commits to ongoing therapy to address these problems, I have to be honest that I wouldn't bank on much of a future here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 13 hours ago, basil67 said: Unconditional love really only has it's place in parent/child relationships. It's how we can still love our kids even when they are being really shitty. Even then, there still needs to be boundaries. For example, the child has an addiction. A parent can love the child unconditionally, but still not see the child, provide them money, or enable them in other ways. Healthy relationships require some boundaries - 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 I agree with the post above - it’s far too soon to make a big decision like relocating to be with this person. Even if things were still going well, I would not suggest that you transfer your job or move in with this woman. What you saw last weekend was a HUGE red flag that this woman has a lot of work to do before she is ready to be a healthy relationship partner for anyone. I would not ignore that, if I was you. It is sad that she is ultimately going to create the very thing that she fears most - that you will leave because of her behavior. The best thing that you could do for her is to encourage her to get some counselling. The best thing that you can do for yourself is keep your expectations low - these kind of problems are not conducive to a healthy, long term relationship. I’m sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 It's quite possible this woman has either unhealthy learned "coping strategies" (such as emotional aggression) or even a full blown personality disorder. While this is NOT a diagnosis by any means, the total on/total off does suggest that. It's also true that some (not all) folks with "difficult backgrounds" are unconsciously uncomfortable with functioning, positive relationships and find ways to sabotage them. At any rate, it's clear she's not emotionally ready for a relationship. I suggest you DON'T try to "fix" her. That's above your paygrade, and even if it weren't you'd have to recuse yourself (due to the relationship). I'd suggest instead that you let her go her own way and focus your energy on finding someone more able to function in a relationship in a healthy way. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 13 hours ago, Bern216 said: FMW - I know 4 months isn't a long time but I've been in 3 year and 6 year relationships and I have never been so certain about somebody. You see how this is a problem, right? You've never been so certain about somebody and yet you're only just now getting introduced to this troubling aspect of her personality. Clearly, certainty is ill-advised. It's better to leave room for the possibility that something unexpected will happen. I think your parents' marriage worked out so well because, even though they were impulsive, they also happened to be an exceptionally good match. And since you don't have the capacity to reproduce their circumstances, it probably isn't a good idea to follow their example. Generally speaking, you can be excited about a relationship you're in and still be cautious: follow a reasonable timeline for making major decisions. That way, you can build a strong foundation for your relationship, and if, down the road, you encounter challenges, that foundation can help you weather the storm. I guess that's my more general advice for you to follow in the future. As for your present predicament, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound hopeful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 (edited) 19 hours ago, Bern216 said: I have been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for the past 4 months All you've known with this woman is the honeymoon phase. What you're experience is infatuation and it's all dopamine and oxytocin rushes and that keeps you from seeing that other person's flaws. That's why it's important to let that phase run out before making major decisions like moving & changing jobs. Your parents are the 'exception'. They were lucky they randomly meet someone they were compatible with. I have many stories of people marrying too fast and divorcing soon after. If you cannot cancel your job transfer then take an apartment on your own in your new town and continue 'dating' her. Get to "really" know her, her strength, her weaknesses, her character. When you tell her you will take an apartment on your own I am sure that will lift some pressure off of her shoulders. Edited June 20 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 (edited) What was the initial argument about? She is stressed out about her job interview and has taken it out on you. Leave her alone. Don't initiate any conversation. She has to learn how to cool down her heels. Either stand up for yourself if she starts shouting at you again, or just walk away, you don't deserve that, don't be an emotional punching bag. When she is overwhelmed again or starts pushing you away again, give yourself some space. There are other ways of saying supportive things without actually saying them. If you feel like giving her a hug or a kiss, do it, but without word. Offer her a warm cup of coffee to relax her, and just spend some quality time together, or watch a movie. It might be a rough year for her. You either stick around or walk away when she goes through an adult crisis. So far she has not handpicked a guy who has sheltered her or soothed her for that temporary lapse of bitter perhaps vengeful expression. I would reconsider living with her. This looks like a rough patch in the best relationship you feel that you have ever had. If she doesn't continue to address her past, her relationships will suffer, she may lose good men because she is not receiving therapy. Edited June 20 by Alpacalia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bern216 Posted June 21 Author Share Posted June 21 I truly appreciate all the great insight. She continues to talk to me everyday and telling me she loves but me I came across something very concerning. So we went on an incredible vacation a week and half ago she posted a ton of stuff on Facebook showing everything we did on our trip. So while I was on my profile this morning I noticed that the posts were no longer there. So I went to her profile and noticed that every single post that included me was now deleted. She kept everything else just any post that included me she took down. Its now as if she is trying to hide the fact that we are even together. I feel gutted. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Bern216 said: I truly appreciate all the great insight. She continues to talk to me everyday and telling me she loves but me I came across something very concerning. So we went on an incredible vacation a week and half ago she posted a ton of stuff on Facebook showing everything we did on our trip. So while I was on my profile this morning I noticed that the posts were no longer there. So I went to her profile and noticed that every single post that included me was now deleted. She kept everything else just any post that included me she took down. Its now as if she is trying to hide the fact that we are even together. I feel gutted. This is yet another typical symptom of pathological fear of abandonment. You see, she is so scared of separation that she precipitates it. She can’t stand the uncertainty of the future and her lack of control over it. She is bracing herself for impact, thinking that if she prepares herself for a breakup it will be less painful for her. She’s ready to sabotage your relationship and even initiate the breakup in an attempt to escape from the fear of the unknown. Edited June 21 by Gebidozo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 This isn't about you and your certainty. It takes two and she's got at least one foot out the door. For whatever reasons, it's nothing you can fix. She can take it up with a qualified therapist and maybe 20 years from now she'll figure it out to some degree and be able to have a normal relationship. Or not. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 On one end she says she loves you and on the other end she deletes your history. Actions speak louder than words then l would conclude she's on her way out. I would ask her what's up with that. Now you see why 4 months is not long enough to move in with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 I'm sorry, OP. I think you need to brace yourself for a break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bern216 Posted June 23 Author Share Posted June 23 So I’m currently down at her place and had to vent. We’ve had a somewhat decent weekend. She’s been more affectionate and we’ve had sex more than we have been. But we’ve also had some heart to hearts where I’m truly understanding how she is. I told her I know that due to her being an avoidant I know our breakup was impending and I’ve accepted it. The moment I said that she began crying because she knows that I’m right. She stated she knows she has issues and wants to get help. I’ve told her that I’m willing to be patient and support her as long as she’s getting the help. Then last night she opened up more to me about her past and said she feels very comfortable telling me everything because she loves how I don’t judge her for anything. But then today she has told me she feels very overwhelmed and stressed by our relationship. I had to leave the house after that but told her before I left that I will be giving her time and space after this weekend to sort through her feelings because at this point I feel that all I’m becoming is an annoyance. It’s a horrible feeling but she needs to initiate the next time we hangout bc I cannot allow myself to be the only one putting effort into the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 11 hours ago, Bern216 said: I cannot allow myself to be the only one putting effort into the relationship. Exactly. She might want to change, but unless she does the hard work, it won't happen. In the meantime, it's going to be way too dfficult to keep a relationship together. SHe isn't in a place to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bern216 Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 So she officially broke up with me last night I’m destroyed from this even though I saw it coming. So while I was letting the dogs out she went through my phone and saw messages to girls in my phone that were months before we had even met. This must’ve been a huge trigger for her because she went off on me. Saying she was done and how I was just like everybody else. That I was the one with issues and how could she be so dumb to believe it was different with her. I am crushed that I am getting punished for something that has nothing to do with our relationship. She has made me feel like such trash. She kept saying are you gonna hit me and laughing at me while I was in tears. I’ve never in my life been broken up with for something that happened before we even met and it was just me reaching out to girls since I was single. At least I can now heal and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 23 minutes ago, Bern216 said: So she officially broke up with me last night I’m destroyed from this even though I saw it coming. So while I was letting the dogs out she went through my phone and saw messages to girls in my phone that were months before we had even met. This must’ve been a huge trigger for her because she went off on me. Saying she was done and how I was just like everybody else. That I was the one with issues and how could she be so dumb to believe it was different with her. I am crushed that I am getting punished for something that has nothing to do with our relationship. She has made me feel like such trash. She kept saying are you gonna hit me and laughing at me while I was in tears. I’ve never in my life been broken up with for something that happened before we even met and it was just me reaching out to girls since I was single. At least I can now heal and move on. I'm so sorry you're hurting, but you've just dodged a massive bullet. Her behaviour sounds nothing short of unhinged. Yes, I get that she's got a terrible past, but without a heap of therapy, she's simply not in a place to be able to have a respectful and trusting relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 1 hour ago, Bern216 said: So she officially broke up with me last night I’m destroyed from this even though I saw it coming. So while I was letting the dogs out she went through my phone and saw messages to girls in my phone that were months before we had even met. This must’ve been a huge trigger for her because she went off on me. Saying she was done and how I was just like everybody else. That I was the one with issues and how could she be so dumb to believe it was different with her. I am crushed that I am getting punished for something that has nothing to do with our relationship. She has made me feel like such trash. She kept saying are you gonna hit me and laughing at me while I was in tears. I’ve never in my life been broken up with for something that happened before we even met and it was just me reaching out to girls since I was single. At least I can now heal and move on. I know you’re hurting, but believe me, after a while you’ll begin to realize that you’ve been lucky. This girl has such serious psychological problems that it’s impossible to tell what her true feelings for you are or used to be. She is in absolutely no mental shape to be in a relationship. You’ve really dodged a bullet here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bern216 Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 I apologize for all the posts it just helps me vent so after she broke up with me last night I was willing to drive back home but she hid my keys so I had to stay because she didn't want me to drive so late so we slept in the same bed and she cuddled up next to me majority of the night. This morning she hugged me goodbye and said we will talk about things later. She did ask me to let her know when I was home which I did and from here on out I am going into No Contact. Not sure I have any other course of action. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 This woman sounds emotionally abusive, OP. Stay the hell away from her. She is nuts and has a mean streak. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 23 hours ago, Bern216 said: She stated she knows she has issues and wants to get help. Then last night she opened up more to me about her past and said she feels very comfortable telling me everything because she loves how I don’t judge her for anything. This woman has a lot of work to do before she is ready to be in a relationship. My best advice to you is - don’t get sucked in by her. You can have empathy for her and still not volunteer to be her punching bag. The only way that I would even consider continuing here is if she was going for regular therapy - and even at that, I think she needs time and space to figure herself out. I’m sorry OP, I think this is the end of the road… Link to post Share on other sites
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