Girlfriend Flipped the Switch

[FMW]

As long as you allow contact from her (by not blocking her number), she's shown she is going to keep being mean and she isn't going to take any responsibility for her own actions/in-actions.  

To repeat earlier posts, you do not know that you gave her the STI, and you do not owe her money to pay for the antibiotics.  I assume she wasn't a virgin prior to being with you and her choice to have sex with you without the use of protection makes it very likely she's done the same with other guys in the past.  She's responsible for taking care of her own heath.

Keep working with your counselor and don't allow any further communication.  This was a short lived relationship and if you cut off contact with her you will get past it soon enough.  Right now it seems you're mistaking all the drama of continuing contact with her as something meaningful.  The longer you hold on and see it as a love story the more miserable you will feel. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Bern216 said:

I feel like such a scum bag now bc of her.  

Again, she can only make you feel badly if you let her…

Tour problem is not this woman, your problem is your lack of boundaries. 

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I just want to let her know I’m there for her if she ever wants to talk

Don't be. Seriously. Do yourself a favor here.

 

2 hours ago, Bern216 said:

 I feel like such a scum bag now bc of her. 

While I think it's fine to beat yourself up a bit for going around having unprotected sex with multiple partners, most of this is because she's being manipulative (maybe along with your breakup blues). This is what she knows and how she is, all you're going to get here is being repeatedly sucked into and then cast back out of her BPD and/or Drama Triangle dynamics or whatever her dysfunctional relationship patterns are.

Your future in this relationship is almost certainly to suffer emotionally until you finally burn out from it and give up. Cut to the chase and walk away now rather than being her orbiter, you'll save yourself valuable months of your life that are better spent looking for a healthier partner. It may not be "easy" but it's straightforward and also the correct path.

Edited July 6 by mark clemson

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Bern216 said:

12 days of NC down the drain

Your fault, Block her.

You are not a mental health professionnal, you do not have the required knowledge to be her support. 

Stop sending her money. She probably already had her STI before meeting you but never got an outbreak until now. Wait a couple of months and go get tested.  

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Bern216 said:

She showed me the positive test so I sent her another round of money. 

Good lord man, you need some self-respect. 

 

[Bern216]

You guys are all right. I woke up this morning once again beating myself up and quickly realized that she is being toxic and manipulative. Feeling like that is exactly what she wants. It’s made me realize that isn’t the kind of person I want to be with. Our 10 min conversation yesterday completely drained me more so than my 2 hour workout. Im understanding the toll my mental health will take from her if I don’t walk away. 

[Gaeta]

On 7/7/2024 at 9:16 AM, Bern216 said:

. Im understanding the toll my mental health will take from her if I don’t walk away

Walking away is the best gift you will ever offer yourself. Please block her.

[FredEire]

Reading this thread it reminds me of a lesson I've learned myself recently: infatuation vs love. You can be infatuated with someone after 3 months or even 3 days but you sure as hell can't be in love with them because it just isn't long enough to know who they really are.

People all have their issues and her self-awareness at the beginning sounded promising in that if you're messed up you've got to at least be self aware enough of your issues to get help and consciously work on them to avoid hurting your partner. But her behaviour after this such as laughing at you when you broke up crossed a line you can't come back from.

As others have said don't talk to her again and drag yourself back onto the hamster wheel because it's not going anywhere good. Also if you feel this way again for someone else in the future maybe be conscious of the fact that you are infatuated and your brain is pumping out hormones, you're effectively hooked on a drug, and it's too early to say if this person is genuinely the one for you, she showed you in the end that she certainly wasn't it.

It seems for many of us infatuation only happens when the wrong person comes along who it's safe to be "in love" with as it almost certainly won't go anywhere in the long run and you can protect yourself from the deeper heartbreak of losing a solid love that didn't have its foundation in fantasy. It's painful but that seems to be the way it goes a lot of the time.

Edited July 10 by FredEire

[Bern216]

We have now been broken up for 2.5 weeks and 6 days NC. Is it hard still? Yes my feelings for her were genuine but I am feeling much better than I was when I first made this post. 
 

I have worked on getting lost in work and the gym. Seeing a therapist has helped tremendously as we are now working towards why I’d even consider taking somebody back that is this toxic for my mental health. He said we are done talking about your ex as you know what the end result will be if you decide to take her back as long as she’s not being treated for her BPD.

We are now working towards building up my self esteem so I realize that I truly deserve more than what she was offering. Which will help me in future relationships to set boundaries and stick to them. Moments of weakness do come but I am excited to continue to heal and come out a stronger person. 

 

[Bern216]

Well I was enjoying myself with friends at a pool party/cookout. I go to check my phone and there she is once again reaching out. The nerve of this woman is unreal. 

She told me she will not receive her first paycheck for another two weeks and was asking if I could send her money. I did respond with I hate that the only time you ever reach out is when you need money. She goes you think I enjoy this? I'm also having a very hard time getting over what recently happened. I said it's hard for me as well because we could've easily worked through this. She then replied its hard for me to trust anybody. I stated I know that is why I was always honest with you about everything. 

She goes look I am not trying to get into a fight alright. I said we aren't fighting at all just at this point trying to figure out what you want. She goes right now I don't want anything.  I state that is what I figured which is why I have chosen to respect your decision. She was like well I feel like an idiot for reaching out to you. I was like don't I will always love and care for you and of course I would want to help. She goes I am assuming there are stipulations. I said there are none. If  we were together I would 100% be there for you but due to the current circumstances I cannot help you. She replied with K. I said I am happy that you're starting your new job and that I'm excited for you. She then goes yup thanks. 

Do I feel worse? Honestly I might even feel better because she is showing me her true colors and just how truly toxic she is. I am proud of myself for one being true to myself and also standing my ground and not giving her more money. Was it hard yes because I do have feelings and want to be there for her. A few weeks ago I probably would've caved so I am glad to see that I am healing.

 

[BaileyB]

Thank goodness you didn’t give her money. Hopefully this is the last that you hear from her. 

[Gaeta]

Why you have not blocked her yet?

All this money you're spending in therapy for what? so one text from her turns you up side down again, takes you a couple of squares back. Block her. 

Edited July 15 by Gaeta

[FredEire]

12 hours ago, Bern216 said:

Well I was enjoying myself with friends at a pool party/cookout. I go to check my phone and there she is once again reaching out. The nerve of this woman is unreal. 

She told me she will not receive her first paycheck for another two weeks and was asking if I could send her money. I did respond with I hate that the only time you ever reach out is when you need money. She goes you think I enjoy this? I'm also having a very hard time getting over what recently happened. I said it's hard for me as well because we could've easily worked through this. She then replied its hard for me to trust anybody. I stated I know that is why I was always honest with you about everything. 

She goes look I am not trying to get into a fight alright. I said we aren't fighting at all just at this point trying to figure out what you want. She goes right now I don't want anything.  I state that is what I figured which is why I have chosen to respect your decision. She was like well I feel like an idiot for reaching out to you. I was like don't I will always love and care for you and of course I would want to help. She goes I am assuming there are stipulations. I said there are none. If  we were together I would 100% be there for you but due to the current circumstances I cannot help you. She replied with K. I said I am happy that you're starting your new job and that I'm excited for you. She then goes yup thanks. 

Do I feel worse? Honestly I might even feel better because she is showing me her true colors and just how truly toxic she is. I am proud of myself for one being true to myself and also standing my ground and not giving her more money. Was it hard yes because I do have feelings and want to be there for her. A few weeks ago I probably would've caved so I am glad to see that I am healing.

 

Good that you're seeing through her. It's maybe a lesson about not thinking someone is a wonderful person too early because you fall for their looks or charm. At the beginning of the thread you were head over heels and now she's trying to rinse you for money, the idealisation you had of her wasn't who she really was.

I agree with @Gaeta though you should block her and not give her the power to get into your head.

[Bern216]

Well luckily my company pays for the therapy sessions through our EAP program. But I honestly get what you’re saying bc I will never be able to entirely heal from her if I continue to give her avenues to reach out. 

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

Well luckily my company pays for the therapy sessions through our EAP program. But I honestly get what you’re saying bc I will never be able to entirely heal from her if I continue to give her avenues to reach out. 

Yep, even looking at her pictures on social media is going to send you back to that place. You have to cut yourself off completely.

[ExpatInItaly]

I was worried you were going to say that you caved and sent her money again. 

I’m relieved you didn’t. This woman doesn’t care about you. She is toxic and s user. Please understand this and block her. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I will never be able to entirely heal from her if I continue to give her avenues to reach out. 

What is there to heal from? You can count on one hand the number of months that you’ve known the woman. 

This is a relationship that you learn from. If you have over-invested in the relationship such that you think there is great healing that needs to happen - that simply shows you that you have a lot to learn from this experience. 

[Bern216]

I think the part I struggled with is just how sudden she changed. It was literally like a switch went off in her head and the mask completely came off. Then the break up was so impulsive. I truly did put my all into this girl. I did speak to my moms cousin  today who is a therapist of 27 years who specializes in BPD and said she 100% is a borderline and that there was nothing I could’ve done. That blocking all avenues of contact is my best bet because she will most likely try to get back into my life. Stating that borderlines that aren’t being treated can cause a lot of damage to somebody’s mental health. She basically pleaded with me to block her today. I will say I feel a lot stronger than I did a few weeks ago so I am getting better. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I did speak to my moms cousin  today who is a therapist of 27 years who specializes in BPD and said she 100% is a borderline

You need to knock this off. Stop trying to armchair diagnose this woman. Stop trying to recruit others to armchair diagnose her. 

Nobody worth their salt as a therapist is going to definitively assume they can pinpoint the mental health issues of someone they have never even met. Shame on all these people for doing so, honestly. Therapists are not psychiatrists. 

I am not saying this woman isn't BPD, to be clear. An ex of mine is, and there may be some traits present in this woman as well. But it is unethical, unfair and terribly unprofessional of them to draw conclusions about a person's health based on heresay. Please stop it. 

[Bern216]

Regardless if she has it or not she’s been manipulative and very emotionally abusive. Which is a toxicity I don’t need in my life. 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Bern216 said:

Regardless if she has it or not she’s been manipulative and very emotionally abusive. Which is a toxicity I don’t need in my life. 

I agree with @ExpatInItaly. What you said here is true, you don't need more than that. Putting her in the bin so to speak by slapping her with some self-diagnosis will just make you bitter rather than move on. You should try and remember and value the good times you had and leave it at that.

[Bern216]

I wasn’t the one trying to self diagnose just to be clear. I had no idea what BPD even was or the severity of it. Just what I was told she most likely suffers from by two licensed therapists who specialize in PTSD and Cluster B mental illnesses. And I certainly wouldn’t be bitter towards somebody suffering from a mental illness. Then after reading about the stages of a BPD relationship and the symptoms of it I became very self aware that there was nothing I could do. Not sure why I am getting bashed for it. Does it make excuses for her treating me the way she did? Absolutely not. But I was the one in the relationship. I was the one who saw the signs of it and ignored it. 8 of the 9 symptoms she has of BPD and I can’t even answer about the self harm one but she did talk about suicide a lot. Saying most days she wished she never woke up and not in a joking matter. I understand that I need to block her and move on. Which is why my therapy sessions from her on out will be to build up my self esteem and worth. 

[FredEire]

33 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

I wasn’t the one trying to self diagnose just to be clear. I had no idea what BPD even was or the severity of it. Just what I was told she most likely suffers from by two licensed therapists who specialize in PTSD and Cluster B mental illnesses. And I certainly wouldn’t be bitter towards somebody suffering from a mental illness. Then after reading about the stages of a BPD relationship and the symptoms of it I became very self aware that there was nothing I could do. Not sure why I am getting bashed for it. Does it make excuses for her treating me the way she did? Absolutely not. But I was the one in the relationship. I was the one who saw the signs of it and ignored it. 8 of the 9 symptoms she has of BPD and I can’t even answer about the self harm one but she did talk about suicide a lot. Saying most days she wished she never woke up and not in a joking matter. I understand that I need to block her and move on. Which is why my therapy sessions from her on out will be to build up my self esteem and worth. 

The key thing is there's not much you could have done and that doesn't really rely on her having something like BPD or not.

I don't want to speak for others but I only say that because so many people go for "my ex was nuts" when they break up with someone and it doesn't help them to process the loss and learn their own personal lessons to do better in the next relationship.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Bern216 said:

. Just what I was told she most likely suffers from by two licensed therapists who specialize in PTSD and Cluster B mental illnesses. 

I think it's problematic that they diagnosed her without even spending time with her.   Second hand information isn't nearly as accurate as first hand information

[Bern216]

Their job was to give me clarity on what they felt was going on. Which is if she is truly borderline it would all add up. But you’re right she hasn’t been diagnosed and Im concerned that she will never go see the help that she needs. Her behavior is not normal whatsoever. At the end of the day though I can’t worry about her and need to worry about my own health. I did everything I could to make it a loving healthy relationship but somebody with her traits is just incapable of being in one.