Girlfriend Flipped the Switch

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, Bern216 said:

Their job was to give me clarity on what they felt was going on. Which is if she is truly borderline it would all add up. But you’re right she hasn’t been diagnosed and Im concerned that she will never go see the help that she needs. Her behavior is not normal whatsoever. At the end of the day though I can’t worry about her and need to worry about my own health. I did everything I could to make it a loving healthy relationship but somebody with her traits is just incapable of being in one. 

Yeas you see this is exactly why I think these kind of armchair diagnoses are a problem. People with BPD can have healthy relationships, it just takes a lot of work. She probably is capable of having a good relationship that works even if she does in theory have this disorder, just not with you.

I had the same struggle when I broke up with my ex, it gave my ego comfort to think she was too jealous and had too many daddy issues for it to ever work with someone, therefore it wasn't me, it was her. And I found it hard to handle that a few weeks after we broke up she got into a relationship with a guy she is still with to this day over 4 years later.

Suddenly I was plagued by thoughts that maybe it really was all my fault. Maybe she really was just a sweet girl who looked out for me and I was just an idiot who never appreciated her, the problems in her behaviour we just a reaction to my inconsideration. My ego was shattered.

It took me a long time to figure out that neither of these needs to be true, these dismissive thoughts are just there to keep up from acknowledging that both parties in a failed relationship lead to its downfall in some ways. It's not that they wouldn't have a great relationship with someone else, it's that that specific union of people brings out the worst in them not the best.

[Bern216]

I have to disagree with you. People with BPD that aren’t seeking therapy have zero chance of a healthy relationship. Now if they’re in therapy yes absolutely but comes with a ton of work like you said. 
 

This girl believes it’s okay for men to hit women, that violence is the answer for all conflicts and living in a constant state of survival. She doesn’t trust anybody even her own family. Doesn’t take accountability for any of her actions and blames others. I’m not even talking about our relationship I saw it with other things in her life. Threatened self harm to place the blame on me to throw me in jail. When she said that she always pushes good things away and self sabotages she name dropped other guys. This is a pattern with her and will continue to be one until she seeks therapy for whatever is going on in her head. Then and only then can she possibly have a chance at a healthy relationship. Until then zero chance. I was not the issue she was. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't doubt this woman has major issues and she isn't going to have a healthy relationship until she does the hard work to resolve her problems. She might not ever get there, and that might be perfectly okay with her. 

But it bears repeating that neither you nor these therapists actually know what her mental health issues really are. You aren't a doctor and these therapists have never even met the woman. Might she be BPD? Sure, she might be. But all of you are speculating. None of you know for sure. There are several reasons she might behave and think the way she does. Unless and until an actual psychiatrist (not a therapist, since this is not the same level of medical training) does a proper evaluation of her, it would be anyone's guess. 

The better focus is this: what do these therapists suspect is going on with you? What are your mental health issues? You stayed even after seeing some warning flags. What is their assessment of you? 

Edited July 17 by ExpatInItaly

[Gebidozo]

On 6/20/2024 at 4:01 AM, Bern216 said:

The relationship has been absolutely fantastic until this past week. Everything has come so natural and organic for us to the point we both have stated we have never experienced a love like this before. I have never connected so deeply to a person

OP, this is how you evaluated your ex-GF and your relationship only a month ago.

Now you have this to say about her:
 

49 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

This girl believes it’s okay for men to hit women, that violence is the answer for all conflicts and living in a constant state of survival. She doesn’t trust anybody even her own family. Doesn’t take accountability for any of her actions and blames others. I’m not even talking about our relationship I saw it with other things in her life. Threatened self harm to place the blame on me to throw me in jail. When she said that she always pushes good things away and self sabotages she name dropped other guys.

So which is it? An organic love such as never experienced before, with a fantastic person you’re deeply connected to? Or a horrible life with a person who doesn’t trust anyone, blames others, wants to throw you in jail? 

It’s hard to believe that someone can be so naive or so completely out of touch with reality as to mistake a monster for an angel. I think you were willing to ignore all her flaws when you wanted to be with her, and now are willing to ignore all her good traits because she dumped you.

You first put her on a pedestal, and now you’re enjoying beating her after she fell from it.  This not a particularly mature or, dare I say, manly way of thinking. I don’t think your ex-GF was the only problem in your relationship. 

[semble]

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, this is how you evaluated your ex-GF and your relationship only a month ago.

Now you have this to say about her:

Well, things certainly took a turn.

[Bern216]

First off I am not bashing her at all. I’m literally stating what she became when the mask came off. I do care her and truly wish her nothing the best that’s exactly why the last thing I told her was I’m excited for you to start your new job and I’m very happy for you. The relationship was fantastic. Tons in common rarely fought things were flowing naturally until well they weren’t. Once in her words that the relationship was getting too real is when the downward spiral began and a week later she ended things. 

You act as if I’m making personal attacks against her which I am not. I’ve done nothing but be the bigger man why she continues to spin things around and put 100% of the break up on me all while asking to borrow money and throwing my past in my face to make me feel like a POS. 
 

 

[FredEire]

56 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, this is how you evaluated your ex-GF and your relationship only a month ago.

Now you have this to say about her:
 

So which is it? An organic love such as never experienced before, with a fantastic person you’re deeply connected to? Or a horrible life with a person who doesn’t trust anyone, blames others, wants to throw you in jail? 

It’s hard to believe that someone can be so naive or so completely out of touch with reality as to mistake a monster for an angel. I think you were willing to ignore all her flaws when you wanted to be with her, and now are willing to ignore all her good traits because she dumped you.

You first put her on a pedestal, and now you’re enjoying beating her after she fell from it.  This not a particularly mature or, dare I say, manly way of thinking. I don’t think your ex-GF was the only problem in your relationship. 

That's exactly it.

It's very common for someone who you originally had deep feelings for to be reframed as the devil when it ends, as a coping strategy.

I'm not saying the behaviour she displayed was good, it wasn't, but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. She wasn't the angel you thought she was when you were in love with her, and she's not a demon either.

I think you'll be more able to fully move on when you see her more as a flawed human being who also had some great qualities and a deep connection with, who you just couldn't have a healthy relationship with in the end.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Bern216 said:

I’ve done nothing but be the bigger man

Come on, bragging really isn’t attractive. Try to be humble. Just a few days ago you were crying about her, willing to humiliate yourself and send her money, now you’re just mad at her and paint yourself a stoic hero. Get a grip.

Edited July 17 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

21 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It's very common for someone who you originally had deep feelings for to be reframed as the devil when it ends, as a coping strategy.

Yes, but this is a sucky coping strategy. Also, that means the feelings weren’t really deep at all to begin with.

[Bern216]

You guys are legit twisting my words. I’m not bragging about myself at all. I’m far from perfect and I never will claim to be. But I was very good to this girl. I still am hurt from the breakup and have weak moments.

Also I do not see her as the devil one bit if I did I wouldn’t be wishing her the best. It’s just obvious that no matter what I did it wasn’t going to be enough. I’ve accepted that but break ups suck and I’m allowed to be upset about it. But in no way am I bitter towards her or have resentment. I’d say disappointment would be the best way to describe how I look at the situation. Bc something that started so promising quickly vanished. 
 

Even all my friends and family were like what happened you guys were so happy together. At this point it’s obvious she doesn’t want me in her life and I’ve accepted that which is why I’m working on myself with my therapist and focusing on what I can control. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Bern216 said:

I’m not bragging about myself at all.. but I was very good to this girl.

Well, this feels like bragging to me. Maybe I’m wrong.

Anyway, what I wanted to point out is not this. It’s the discrepancy between your overly ecstatic, idealistic evaluation of your relationship back when you still had hope for it, and your current evaluation of your now-ex as a borderline psychopath.

According to you, she was first amazing, and then she suddenly became awful. It just doesn’t make sense.

[Bern216]

Trust me I know it doesn’t make sense bc she did treat me fantastic. The best anybody has every treated me than once the relationship in her words got real it’s like a switch went off in her head. I’ve never seen anybody make a 180 like she did which left me blindsided and confused. Her behavior the last week of the relationship was very mentally unstable and unhinged. Now she continues to reach out to place blame on me for everything and ask for money. Yes I know I am at fault for not blocking her. 
 

Sadly a small part of me still hopes she comes back which is why I have yet to block her. 
 

Yes I wasn’t bragging in any shape or form. I’m literally in therapy to better myself now if I thought I was the greatest thing ever I certainly wouldn’t be in therapy to improve myself. 

[FredEire]

21 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

Trust me I know it doesn’t make sense bc she did treat me fantastic. The best anybody has every treated me than once the relationship in her words got real it’s like a switch went off in her head. I’ve never seen anybody make a 180 like she did which left me blindsided and confused. Her behavior the last week of the relationship was very mentally unstable and unhinged. Now she continues to reach out to place blame on me for everything and ask for money. Yes I know I am at fault for not blocking her. 
 

Sadly a small part of me still hopes she comes back which is why I have yet to block her. 
 

Yes I wasn’t bragging in any shape or form. I’m literally in therapy to better myself now if I thought I was the greatest thing ever I certainly wouldn’t be in therapy to improve myself. 

Sure, it just comes across like you've done a similar 180 vs the beginning of the thread in response.

Personally I'm not trying to have a go at you, I think it's a really common response to situations where the plug was pulled suddenly to start speculating about all the faults of your partner.

It just seems to lack a bit of introspection, ultimately whatever she's doing now doesn't answer the question of why you were so attracted to someone like that in the first place.

[mark clemson]

Just because they aren't BPD doesn't mean they're OK material for a relationship. There are a whole lot of ways to be screwed up.

Just because a relationship's lasted four years doesn't mean it's a healthy, happy, positive one. Social media tends to paint an overly rosy picture. Just ask Scott Peterson's wife and kids (spoiler alert: you can't, he deliberately murdered them).

Just because it takes two to wreck a relationship doesn't mean that one person wasn't doing the lion's share of the damage.

[Bern216]

Regardless of what issues she has going on she decided to end things. The reasoning I couldn’t even honestly tell you. We had no issues that’s why when my friends and family found out they were in complete shock that she ended things. 
 

My only path is to respect her decision and give her the break up. I will continue to stick to NC although it’s only been 2 days which yes I shouldn’t have responded Sunday especially when it was her only asking for money. 
 

At the end of the day I want somebody that wants to be with me. Her actions have shown me that’s she’s not that person. Which like I said is very disappointing. I do truly wish her the best. 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

Regardless of what issues she has going on she decided to end things. The reasoning I couldn’t even honestly tell you. We had no issues that’s why when my friends and family found out they were in complete shock that she ended things. 
 

My only path is to respect her decision and give her the break up. I will continue to stick to NC although it’s only been 2 days which yes I shouldn’t have responded Sunday especially when it was her only asking for money. 
 

At the end of the day I want somebody that wants to be with me. Her actions have shown me that’s she’s not that person. Which like I said is very disappointing. I do truly wish her the best. 

Right, that's all you can do.

I don't think you can really f*** something up by just being yourself and trying your best.

The only time you should live with regrets is if you become emotionally verbally or physically abusive, which you weren't.

You can't make someone want to be with you unless you deliberately change how you are to tailor to them, and you can only keep that up for so long.

Edited July 17 by FredEire

[Bern216]

So it has been one month since the breakup. It is hard to believe that it has already been that long as I type this out. Are things any easier? I would say yes they are but definitely have my weak moments which today has been very difficult for me. I think what has delayed my healing is that she has continued to reach out after the breakup with the longest we have gone NC is 11 days which we all know is no time at all. I do know it is my fault as well because I for one didn't have to respond or I could've easily just blocked all forms of contact. I do truly love this girl so one month is by no means enough time to get over somebody especially with there being so much contact after the breakup and also that our relationship  was heading in the right direction until she decided it was no longer what she wanted. 

Last Sunday she told me things such as I don't want anything right now, I am having a hard time getting over everything that happened recently and I am having a hard time trusting you it clearly shows me that healing and moving on is the only option. There's so much animosity towards me so any interaction with her at this point will continue to set me back and delay my healing. I did make sure to tell her I will always have love for her and that I am gonna respect the decision that she no longer wants me in her life. 

I will say I went on a couple casual dates this week which went well but I felt guilty the entire time as if I was cheating on her. There was nothing sexual at all just felt horrible and was wishing she was the one sitting across from me the entire time. I do truly wish her all the best. Nobody knows what the future has in store but it is obvious at this point in her life she is just not ready for a relationship. 

My path is clear. I will continue to stick to NC, focus on me such as getting lost in work, the gym, picking up old hobbies, continue to see my therapist and surround myself with friends and family. I do not expect any responses but any insight is always appreciated. I will continue to give updates in my healing journey as this helps me stick to the path I know I need to stay on to come out of this in a much better headspace. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

I will say I went on a couple casual dates this week which went well but I felt guilty the entire time as if I was cheating on her.

I'm really glad to hear that you've made the decision to move on.  And it's also completely understandable that you're not ready to date.  Also bear in mind that if you're not in a headspace to even consider pursuing anything romantic, it's not fair to the person you're on a date with.

Have you got mates you can go out with?  Find a new hobby?  Binge a new series?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I will continue to stick to NC

Continue? You haven't been in No Contact if you have not deleted and blocked her. No, you two were not talking much but you haven't actually started No Contact yet. 

4 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I went on a couple casual dates this week which went well but I felt guilty the entire time as if I was cheating on her

You aren't ready to date yet. That will come, but now is not the time. 

Lean more into things you can do with friends or family.

[Bern216]

Yeah I quickly realized that I wasn't ready to date which showed me that I need to just focus on myself.

I have began to reach out to old friends, pick up old hobbies as well as even thinking picking up new ones. Binging a new series isn't quite a bad idea something to keep my mind busy. 

You are correct I have not been truly sticking to NC which explains while yes we have been broken up for a month but its only been a week now where we haven't spoke. Which explains why the breakup still feels so fresh. 

[FredEire]

19 hours ago, Bern216 said:

Yeah I quickly realized that I wasn't ready to date which showed me that I need to just focus on myself.

I have began to reach out to old friends, pick up old hobbies as well as even thinking picking up new ones. Binging a new series isn't quite a bad idea something to keep my mind busy. 

You are correct I have not been truly sticking to NC which explains while yes we have been broken up for a month but its only been a week now where we haven't spoke. Which explains why the breakup still feels so fresh. 

Yeah, I'm not sure if you've had major breakups in the past but it can take months if not years to finally stop thinking about her, even if you know it was completely wrong for you.

Be patient with it, you're still in the very early stages. And as others have said I wouldn't bother dating for the next 3-4 months as as you said you'll get that feeling you're cheating on her and it's not fair to the girls you're dating.

Speaking from personal experience there's every chance she might be out banging dudes straight away to get over it and posting stories about living her best life dancing with some guy in the club, but that's all the more reason to block her and not look at any of that stuff, ignoring social media is part of NC as well.

Also it's not relevant what she's doing, the healthiest thing is just to take a break from dating completely for a while and that includes hookups and one night stands that might be a temporary ego boost but will probably just make things worse in the end.

Edited July 23 by FredEire

[Bern216]

So I was on Facebook last night and saw that I had a friend request from some random girl. I had no clue who she was so went to her profile. I noticed that she worked where my Ex use to work before she got fired, was single, and lived in the same town as my ex. So I clicked on her profile pics and sure enough my Ex loved every pic Now it wasn’t a fake profile bc she had a ton of friends and plenty of likes on all her pics. I’m  thinking now why on earth is one of her friends trying to add me when one we have never talked or met,  and have zero mutual friends. She literally had to go out of her way to type my name out to find me. Then 12 hours later she cancelled the request because I never accepted. 
 

Now I wanted to give my Ex the benefit of the doubt that she was not behind it but this was just too weird and random. Even my therapist today said it’s most likely her pulling the strings. He said I highly doubt this girl that knew nothing about you that is friends with her just magically wanted to connect on Facebook. My friends and family even see it as high school game as her trying to get a reaction or testing me. 
 

Some of my friends are concerned that her behavior is escalating and that I truly do need to be careful. 
 

 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Bern216 said:

So I was on Facebook last night and saw that I had a friend request from some random girl. I had no clue who she was so went to her profile. I noticed that she worked where my Ex use to work before she got fired, was single, and lived in the same town as my ex. So I clicked on her profile pics and sure enough my Ex loved every pic Now it wasn’t a fake profile bc she had a ton of friends and plenty of likes on all her pics. I’m  thinking now why on earth is one of her friends trying to add me when one we have never talked or met,  and have zero mutual friends. She literally had to go out of her way to type my name out to find me. Then 12 hours later she cancelled the request because I never accepted. 
 

Now I wanted to give my Ex the benefit of the doubt that she was not behind it but this was just too weird and random. Even my therapist today said it’s most likely her pulling the strings. He said I highly doubt this girl that knew nothing about you that is friends with her just magically wanted to connect on Facebook. My friends and family even see it as high school game as her trying to get a reaction or testing me. 
 

Some of my friends are concerned that her behavior is escalating and that I truly do need to be careful. 
 

 

My ex made a fake profile to watch my stories while she had blocked me on her real account lol. I think this kind of thing after a breakup is fairly common, wouldn't give it much thought. Escalating would be putting a burning bag of dog doo-doo through your door at 4am.

[Bern216]

Yeah I’ve just never had an Ex quite like her. I’ve had 4 serious relationships and once they were done there was always a decent amount of NC. Now I will say every single one of my ex’s did come back. 
 

Now this current one she reaches out once a week or reaches out indirectly like this Facebook example. I’ve never had an Ex just not able to leave me alone. Just makes no sense to me. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Bern216 said:

Now this current one she reaches out once a week or reaches out indirectly like this Facebook example. I’ve never had an Ex just not able to leave me alone. Just makes no sense to me. 

I don't know why it makes no sense to you. That's what dysfunctional & toxic people do. There is no need to disect it, that's a job for a shrink. Your job is to block her. If she goes above and beyond to contact you then file a report for harassment. 

Edited July 24 by Gaeta