Husband has been drinking lately.

[lw712856]

My husband and I were regular drinkers a few years ago but we both got out of the habit. I gave it up completely 3 years ago and he only drinks once in a while. Well when he does he is an idiot and I can't stand him. I despise when I'm sober and drunk people don't leave you alone. That's what he's been doing the past few weekends now. He'll go to his stupid friend's and this friend will always have beer on deck because all his friends and family members seem to not be able to live without drinking in their lives. And everytime he goes to his friend's now he'll drink and come home acting all stupid. He leaves me with our kids since I'm a stay at home Mom and says that since he works he should be able to go do what he wants. There's boundaries though... His friends are single, jobless, have no kids, and all live with their parents. I'm outraged and he thinks I'm being controlling. I have the worst case of anxiety you could imagine and when he drinks after work with them he doesn't come home til 10 or 11. By then my anxiety is thru the roof. I don't feel at ease, my heart races the whole time he's gone. I guess he must think me and the kids are too boring to hangout with on the weekends. Idk what to do. I don't want him to fall back into his old habits and start being a regular drunk again!

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Perhaps you can join Al Anon (or whatever the group is for family members of people with a drinking problem) and get some informed guidance. 

I don’t drink, having seen it destroy my parents to varying degrees so I understand exactly why you are so concerned. 

I don’t know how old your kids are but I would get a game plan in place to start earning some money (part time job or something) as soon as possible. Do you have family who can help emotionally support you? You are in a very risky position being financially dependent on him, and he’s discounting your opinions and needs, citing that he’s the bread winner. Does he allow you to visit with friends and take care of the kids on weekends? You also need a break and outlet, and date nights with him.

While there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM, there seems to be a big imbalance of power in the relationship. I too would be annoyed if my husband and the father of my kids was regularly out partying with single friends who don’t even work. 
 

Good luck.

Edited June 22 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[happyhorizons]

17 hours ago, lw712856 said:

My husband and I were regular drinkers a few years ago but we both got out of the habit. I gave it up completely 3 years ago and he only drinks once in a while. Well when he does he is an idiot and I can't stand him. I despise when I'm sober and drunk people don't leave you alone. That's what he's been doing the past few weekends now. He'll go to his stupid friend's and this friend will always have beer on deck because all his friends and family members seem to not be able to live without drinking in their lives. And everytime he goes to his friend's now he'll drink and come home acting all stupid. He leaves me with our kids since I'm a stay at home Mom and says that since he works he should be able to go do what he wants. There's boundaries though... His friends are single, jobless, have no kids, and all live with their parents. I'm outraged and he thinks I'm being controlling. I have the worst case of anxiety you could imagine and when he drinks after work with them he doesn't come home til 10 or 11. By then my anxiety is thru the roof. I don't feel at ease, my heart races the whole time he's gone. I guess he must think me and the kids are too boring to hangout with on the weekends. Idk what to do. I don't want him to fall back into his old habits and start being a regular drunk again!

I am not a drinker but can certainly understand your frustration. The marriage is supposed to be a partnership of sorts and I willingly to bet you work considerably harder being home raising/nurturing your kids. So, his job does not give him a license to act stupidly.

[MsJayne]

Drunks are annoying, and the most annoying thing about them is that they can’t see that they’re annoying. Do you have a relative, like parents or a sibling, who you can confide in and could go stay with at short notice? Maybe if you explain to him that you can’t stand him when he’s been drinking and don’t want to be around him, and so you’re going to take the kids and go stay with your folks, he might realise what he’s doing. The idea of other family having to intervene may be enough to make him get a grip. The problem is his attitude, the “I provide for the family so I can do what I want when I want” mentality. He can’t see the difference between having Saturday to himself so he can go play golf and having Saturday to himself so he can get smashed with a bunch of losers. Ask him if he’s so unhappy that he feels the need to escape from his own family, because that’s what’s going on, and tell him you despise the beery-breathed moron he turns into when he drinks. If he’s not prepared to get back onboard with family life you might want to consider the ramifications of living with a pig and plan your future accordingly. 

[Els]

Your husband spends all weekend away from your family, has zero respect for your contribution to the family, and zero concern for your needs and feelings... and you're only worried about beer?

Why are you still with him and playing a role that he clearly doesn't appreciate or respect? If he thinks that he can "do whatever he wants because he works", then he can very well live by himself, pay child support, and, well, do whatever he wants. Since he doesn't really seem to be doing much as a father or partner now, anyway.

I think you should start looking for a job and a lawyer.

[Els]

Oh dear, I just realized you were the OP of this thread 😔

I'm not sure what to tell you. Most of us already told you previously that this situation isn't sustainable. But you've taken none of our advice and have persisted in wanting to be a SAHM and having your husband continue to work in the dead-end job he's had since he was 18 to support your family. Well, guess what people who are depressed and hopeless and feel like they are trapped do?

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. You clearly have no intention to ever get a job and you will claw at your self-appointed SAHM role for dear life until your husband finally severs the bond. I take back everything I said in my previous post - that only applies if both people decided together to have kids and that one of them would stay at home. Not in your case.

[lw712856]

On 6/22/2024 at 12:30 PM, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

Perhaps you can join Al Anon (or whatever the group is for family members of people with a drinking problem) and get some informed guidance. 

I don’t drink, having seen it destroy my parents to varying degrees so I understand exactly why you are so concerned. 

I don’t know how old your kids are but I would get a game plan in place to start earning some money (part time job or something) as soon as possible. Do you have family who can help emotionally support you? You are in a very risky position being financially dependent on him, and he’s discounting your opinions and needs, citing that he’s the bread winner. Does he allow you to visit with friends and take care of the kids on weekends? You also need a break and outlet, and date nights with him.

While there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM, there seems to be a big imbalance of power in the relationship. I too would be annoyed if my husband and the father of my kids was regularly out partying with single friends who don’t even work. 
 

Good luck.

Things have changed over the last 2 months. He quit going to his friend's getting drunk because I complained so much about it. Now he's been buying beer and drinking every other day at home. Which is a million times worse to me. Even though he doesn't get wasted, I think his tolerance is picking up. We've had so many arguments because of it and he's threatened to leave me if I don't let him do what he wants. It's beyond frustrating because it alters his mood, he gets lazier and goes to bed early. I'm about to give up.

[S2B]

Give up then! He’s let you know he doesn’t care how you feel - and that he’s not going to stop drinking.

why wouldn’t you divorce him? What’s in the way?

[Els]

On 8/23/2024 at 4:19 AM, S2B said:

Give up then! He’s let you know he doesn’t care how you feel - and that he’s not going to stop drinking.

why wouldn’t you divorce him? What’s in the way?

Probably the fact that she isn't willing to work at all, based on her previous threads. Even if she was awarded a huge % of his income as alimony/child support, 60% of a minimum wage worker's income won't be enough for her to maintain her desired way of life in a separate home. She knows she'll have to start working if she leaves.