Mf37 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 (edited) I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years and we have three children (6,4&1). Our marriage has never been great although we get along very well when there are no layers of stress. The last 18 months has been particularly stressful for various reasons. My husband left his job and started a business at the same time as we renovated and moved house and I was expecting our third child. As a result our marriage suffered a lot. We even discussed divorce multiple times. We very rarely are intimate or even affectionate with each other and I feel very alone in the marriage as I’m sure he does too. This is all just context. A few days ago I went out to a work party and while there got talking to a colleague. There was a lot of alcohol involved but somehow we got onto the topic of spouses and sex life. My colleague said he has to have sex twice a week which I balked at because I never have sex with my husband as absolutely no sex drive having three small kids, hormones all over the place etc. etc. Then my colleague said it was because I didn’t like my husband and wasn’t attracted to him which I denied because it’s true. I do like my husband (when he’s not shouting which is quite often) and I can see he’s an attractive man. I told my colleague I did like my husband but hate the way he is with the kids - shouting a lot and being really mean. Then my colleague said he thought I was very attractive and was always looking at me in the office. Anyway, later on when we were on the way home he kissed me. I just have a memory of him coming towards me and kissing me. I definitely kissed back but then stopped. The details are hazy as there was so much alcohol involved but we both agreed it was stupid. I went home with the full intention of telling my husband the next morning but didn’t. Initially I thought it wasn’t that big a deal as I certainly didn’t initiate it, I am not attracted to my colleague or have any feelings for him, it would never have even happened if there was less alcohol involved (which I know is no excuse so let’s not go down that road). I have spoken with my husband about this kind of thing before and we both said if one of us just kissed someone else and it meant nothing we wouldn’t want to know. It was just a kiss and there are no feelings involved but now I wondering should I tell him. It’s obvious our marriage needs work and this might be the catalyst to actually get him to engage with me. I don’t want to get a divorce, ever. And I thought I was okay with have amazing kids and an ok marriage but obviously I need more - otherwise why would I have kissed back? Anyway, very confused. Please help Edited June 22 by Mf37 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 Your husband has already stated that he doesn't want to know about something like this happening, so don't say anything. Telling him is only going to add fuel to the fire. However, you should express how you feel about the marriage in general. And it's worth referencing the fact that the two of you have discussed divorce a number of times. I think it's well past time for marriage counselling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 (edited) Yes I agree. I wanted to get MC during the first year of our marriage but he was having none of it. He’s been more open to it recently but would never actually go unless I dragged him there. I kind of feel like I’m trying to push water uphill. I have expressed how I feel about the marriage many many times but to no avail. Things just go on the way they have been Edited June 22 by Mf37 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 4 minutes ago, Mf37 said: Yes I agree. I wanted to get MC during the first year of our marriage but he was having none of it. He’s been more open to it recently but would never actually go unless I dragged him there. I kind of feel like I’m trying to push water uphill. I have expressed how I feel about the marriage many many times but to no avail. Things just go on the way they have been If you've got one foot out the door, does he know this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 I don’t think I have one foot out the door. We’ve built a lot together and I have no intention of dissolving that and breaking up my family. Like absolutely zero. It’s not a religion thing, it’s purely my core belief. There’s no abuse as such unless you count the shouting and lashing out at me so I feel no reason to break something that is potentially fixable. But he is well aware of how I feel about the marriage and has said that after we get ourselves financially okay he’ll give me a divorce if I still want it. I don’t though. I even wrote a poem about it expressing all this and sent it to him two weeks ago. I also downloaded a couples bonding app last week and sent it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 4 minutes ago, Mf37 said: We’ve built a lot together and I have no intention of dissolving that and breaking up my family. There’s no abuse as such unless you count the shouting and lashing out at me Well....short of you doing something really terrible, I'd count shouting and lashing out as abuse. You said in your first post that you discussed divorce a number of times, but you say you have no intention of leaving him. Does this mean the discussions are about him wanting to divorce you? Or are you both saying things you don't mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Nellea Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 This colleague sounds like a pretty calculated jerk who probably was not as drunk as you thought he was. His behaviour and things he said about your relationship were very rude and intrusive in my opinion. It reminds me of a guy I knew at University who (after finding out I had a bf) asked “hmm are you sure you like him? Does he make you happy?” And then proceeded to hit on me 😕 I think you should only tell your husband the actual fact that he tried to kiss you and in the moment, since you weren’t expecting it you kissed back and then stopped when you realised what was happening. I don’t think you should tell him the entire conversation and story - because he might get suspicious of this guy and his intentions towards you (since unfortunately he is part of your daily work life). I also think you should tell him that you really have no attraction whatsoever towards this guy - that you made this clear to him as well - and that you’ll try to stir clear of him for the most part, other than strictly work related situations… to reassure your husband. I don’t think he’ll react horribly but he’ll be a bit hurt by this… so you need to be understanding of that, and not overreact if - for some time - he asks you questions or acts a bit more controlling. I think this could be expected… but it will blow over.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 (edited) No the shouting and lashing out are from completely rational conversations but it’s nearly like the death of a thousand cuts. They may be small in the moment but 10 years of them has caused a lot of resentment. When we discussed divorce last year and early this year we were in a much worse place. We have since stabilised - less layers of stress although still plenty to contend with. And that has led to both of us having better perspective. But I concede maybe emotionally I’m checked out and that is a problem. He definitely doesn’t want to leave me. He adores me, well he says he does and has never looked at another woman as far as I know. Although I wouldn’t blame him if he did - it’s not like he gets anything from me. Wow, it’s sounding worse and worse. I’m trying not to think about the guy in work. He was massively inappropriate but I should have stopped his line of conversation. It nearly ended up me defending my husband which should have sounded the alarm bells but having way too much alcohol on board that didn’t happen. There’s zero physical attraction to him. And there hasn’t been any physical attraction to anyone else the entire time I’ve been with my husband which is over 12 years at this stage. Edited June 22 by Mf37 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 55 minutes ago, Mf37 said: No the shouting and lashing out are from completely rational conversations but it’s nearly like the death of a thousand cuts. They may be small in the moment but 10 years of them has caused a lot of resentment. I completely understand what it's like doing renovations and selling houses. When we were at a similar stage, our 16yo daughter had words with us about our bickering. But what you're describing appears to be a whole step above. Perhaps it would help if you could tell us what he says in response to what are apparently garden variety problems? 55 minutes ago, Mf37 said: ..He definitely doesn’t want to leave me. He adores me, well he says he does and has never looked at another woman as far as I know. Although I wouldn’t blame him if he did - it’s not like he gets anything from me. Wow, it’s sounding worse and worse. How can you justify him adoring you and verbally tearing strips of you? 55 minutes ago, Mf37 said: I’m trying not to think about the guy in work. He was massively inappropriate but I should have stopped his line of conversation. It nearly ended up me defending my husband which should have sounded the alarm bells but having way too much alcohol on board that didn’t happen. There’s zero physical attraction to him. And there hasn’t been any physical attraction to anyone else the entire time I’ve been with my husband which is over 12 years at this stage. The guy at work was just a wakeup call to address things with your husband. Don't give this anymore thought...just focus on the real issues Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 3 hours ago, Mf37 said: I don’t think I have one foot out the door. We’ve built a lot together and I have no intention of dissolving that and breaking up my family. But you did something that could break up your family, whether that was your intention or not. Your husband might not be okay with you sharing just a kiss with someone. Maybe he would dissolve the marriage, even if he thoiught he could handle a kiss. My point is that the choice to break up your family is not actually under your control when you choose to act in a way that threatens the family unit. As you know, behaviour has consequences and you chose to do something that could take away your ability to choose to stay married. Your husband wouldn't need your endorsement to kick you to the curb. Sometimes when push comes to shove, people are a lot more upset than they imagined they would be. Why do I say the above? Because you are indeed a lot more emotionally checked out of your marriage than you realized. When you take a risk like this, you've got one foot on either side of that door. Any chance this guy at work is going to blab to other coworkers that you kissed? Your secret might be out of the bag without you even knowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 2 hours ago, basil67 said: I completely understand what it's like doing renovations and selling houses. When we were at a similar stage, our 16yo daughter had words with us about our bickering. But what you're describing appears to be a whole step above. Perhaps it would help if you could tell us what he says in response to what are apparently garden variety problems? How can you justify him adoring you and verbally tearing strips of you? The guy at work was just a wakeup call to address things with your husband. Don't give this anymore thought...just focus on the real issues For example I could ask him what he wanted for dinner and he’d shout back to leave him alone or say he can’t deal with this now. Which I know in isolation sounds completely silly but it could be at any time over anything I say. Or he would be shouting at the kids and if I try to intervene he starts at me saying I’m undermining him to the point that I just have to keep my mouth shut and just watch him shouting at the kids which I know affects them badly. I’ve tried explaining to him about how shouting at kids is extremely bad for them in terms of self blame and low self esteem but he just can’t help himself. Sometimes I have to tell him to leave the room although that often adds fuel to the fire. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes, like I have no control over what happens, even to my children whom I absolutely adore. I have often thought he says he adores me to subconsciously get away with or justify the verbal abuse. And he’s not quiet about it - all of our friends would say he adores me but sometimes I think he’s sticking with that party line and making it so public so that he doesn’t have to confront the way he sometimes treats me. If I try and explain this to him I never get out succinctly what I feel and I always come away feeling like he switched it around and I’m the one to blame. It’s messed up I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: But you did something that could break up your family, whether that was your intention or not. Your husband might not be okay with you sharing just a kiss with someone. Maybe he would dissolve the marriage, even if he thoiught he could handle a kiss. My point is that the choice to break up your family is not actually under your control when you choose to act in a way that threatens the family unit. As you know, behaviour has consequences and you chose to do something that could take away your ability to choose to stay married. Your husband wouldn't need your endorsement to kick you to the curb. Sometimes when push comes to shove, people are a lot more upset than they imagined they would be. Why do I say the above? Because you are indeed a lot more emotionally checked out of your marriage than you realized. When you take a risk like this, you've got one foot on either side of that door. Any chance this guy at work is going to blab to other coworkers that you kissed? Your secret might be out of the bag without you even knowing it. I honestly don’t think he would break up the marriage over this, not that he wouldn’t be hurt over it. But yes, it’s time for me to confront that I’m emotionally checked out and I’ve been running from that for a long time. Not that I haven’t raised it along the way - I have. But maybe I need to be way more direct. The guy at work won’t blab. I already spoke to him about it and he said we won’t mention it again. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 Assuming this story is real, it's pretty clear the real issue here isn't the kiss but your severely fraying marriage. Staying in a relationship is ultimately a choice - for whatever reasons you and he are both choosing to stay despite the problems. Since that's the case, I'd suggest working on it. Anger management, reducing stress, taking joy in each other's company, and intimacy are all pieces of the puzzle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 (edited) 41 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Assuming this story is real, it's pretty clear the real issue here isn't the kiss but your severely fraying marriage. Sadly very much real. I wish it wasn’t. I have really tried in some ways but not so much in others. I should have pushed the marriage counselling more. Edited June 22 by Mf37 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mf37 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 39 minutes ago, Mf37 said: 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Since that's the case, I'd suggest working on it. Anger management, reducing stress, taking joy in each other's company, and intimacy are all pieces of the puzzle. I’ve reached out to a counselling service to start my own counselling before I get into marriage counselling. I think there’s a lot I need to deal with on an individual basis first 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 48 minutes ago, Mf37 said: I’ve reached out to a counselling service to start my own counselling before I get into marriage counselling. I think there’s a lot I need to deal with on an individual basis first You can turn this around. I would just keep the “kiss episode” to myself and caulk it up to simply a MISTAKE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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