Emotionally Burnt Out From ASD Spouse

[Jane Doe 2222]

My husband (35) and I (32) have been married for 6 years. My husband has an autism spectrum disorder, but he's very high functioning. He is able to hold down a well paying job and is not abusiv, but he's just so emotionally fragile and has no ability to cope with stress or inconvenience. In the past, he also had terrible communication, but after I insisted upon marriage counseling it has improved greatly. Despite this, I'm just so emotionally drained. 

He used to have meltdowns (it was like watching a grown man act like a literal toddler, complete with crying, stomping, screaming, and self harm) but that has gotten better since the marriage counseling. However I feel suffocated by his clinginess, touched out by his constant need for affection, and a increasingly resentful that I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and  monitor his moods and emotions to prevent a meltdown, especially when we're in public (it's past embarrassing; it's simply humiliating).

The weird thing is it feels worse now that he's better about. It's not like every moment is terrible, and that's sort of what makes it hard. I'd say 70% is great--he's genuinely kind, loving, supportive, and gentle (outside of meltdowns). He never degrades me (in fact, somewhat places me on a pedestal), respects my choices and decisions, encourages me in my goals and hobbies, and is very financially responsible.

Another 10-15% of the time it's ok. Not bad, but sometimes we both just feel really tired from work or life in general. Usually he's stressed about work or I just need space and personal time. Were not angry at one another, just tired, and we try to be supportive of the other in that situation.

But the remainder of that time is just feels like drama that I'm getting sick of--literally. We don't have kids (and both want it that way). We are financially secure, have almost the same salary, and share the same ethos of spending and investing, so we've never fought about money. I have been faithful to him and he to me (plus he couldn't lie to save his own life). There is no jealousy on either side either. I'm just so drained by the meltdowns, the emotional fragility, the insecurity about our relationship (which ironically exists because of his overemotional reactions to his perceived reactions that I have about his insecurities), the sheer inability to just cope with life like a healthy adult.

I guess I felt like I always had to be on guard 24/7. Now that he's improved greatly, it's worse in a way because I feel like when I let my guard down and relax, I'm violently jerked back into chaos and drama. It's like an emotional rollercoaster, and I'm beginning to quietly want to get off this ride.

I love my husband, but if I have to be brutally honest I somewhat resent him as well. Worse, I feel like it's beginning to take a toll on my physical health. I'm constantly tense, can't relax, and my chest hurts. While we have happy moments together, I realized that a lot of times I'm just more relaxed and even happier when we're not together.

I'm sure you will say this is an issue for marriage counseling, but me voicing this would annihilate him as a person. He has a history of self harm, and already says he doesn't want to live a lot of times because he's so stressed. On many occasions he's said he wants to save me the trouble of having to divorce him when I finally grow tired of dealing with him, and just give me everything he has now and kill himself. I don't think these are idle threats, because during his meltdowns he gets completely irrational and has harmed himself in the past. Imagine a 2 year old completely losing their mind, and then imagine that as a fully grown, 6 foot tall 200 pound man.

I have done the cost benefit of leaving, and sometimes I'm not sure how it pans out. Whole we both have good salaries and as a unit don't worry about money, we only have those salaries because we live in a high cost of living city. We also jointly own a house free and clear, which saves us a LOT of money. Moving elsewhere, especially with housing costs, would mean a significant portion of income (which we invest for retirement) would now be spent paying rent. In addition, I grew up in foster care and have no biological family. His family is my family now. They genuinely love and care about me, and I them, but I'm not delusional enough to assume that our relationship would remain the same if we divorced, especially if he harmed himself or worse because of it. They wouldn't blame me because they know his autism spectrum disorder makes him mentally ill, but I imagine it would be hard to be around me. And perhaps most pathetically, that majority of the time when he isn't in some extreme emotional or mental crisis, he's actually a good partner. He genuinely loves me so much (too much, I sometimes think) and is a gentle man, if not a bit clingy, and we spend genuinely happy times together with shared hobbies or just alone together talking and reading.

I take my marriage vows seriously and have really tried to be a supportive wife. I've tried to understand that he can't help being autistic, to make accomodations for his low coping, and for his part he really has worked hard to improved. But I think over the years the resentment has slowly built, as has my ability to just handle his instability.

I'm not sure what I am asking for here. Some perspective? Some advice? Maybe just a sympathetic ear?

Edited June 23 by Jane Doe 2222

[basil67]

Mother of an adult autistic son here.  

Before making any big changes, I want to ask if your husband has a psychiatrist.  Or possibly needs a new one.  Essentially, has he tried meds to help him manage his moods?  If they didn't work, did he go back to look at other options? 

You mentioned him having meltdowns in public - this must be so difficult for both of you.  Does he know what the triggers are?

 

[Jane Doe 2222]

@basil67 Thanks so much for the reply.

He tried counseling with a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, but it had no effect. He does have a prescription for emergency anxiety meds that me or his parents have to basically force him to take when he's having a particularly bad meltdown. He declined a daily anti anxiety medication because he says he doesn't like the way they make him feel; they don't calm him down so much as make him feel completely numb, and gives him dizziness and ringing ears.

He is also against antidepressants because he saw first hand the negative effect they had on a family member.

I want to respect his choice to not have brain altering chemicals in his body, especially when his relative did indeed have a bad experience (I saw it myself; a few years later said person still hasn't lost the weight and they confided in me they never truly regained their libido) but I also feel like this is approaching "ultimatum" territory. Making the ingestion of medication as an ultimatum just sounds so inhumane, especially when there is evidence that there's a chance the meds won't work and may have negative side effects, but I have thought about this a lot lately.

For his meltdowns, his triggers are uncertainty, discomfort, and also his perception (frequently inaccurate) that I am upset with him for no reason. He doesn't do well where he has to make a quick decision or encounters an unexpected disappointment (he stands in a long line only to find out what he wanted to order is no longer available). Sometimes he triggers himself because he thinks I am upset with him or disappointed over something, even when most of the time I'm not (or at least I wasn't until recently). 

We've been working on this in therapy and he has improved greatly, but working is a huge stress and he is burned out. He also has difficulty compartmentalizing bad stuff in the news.

Realistically, he's unlikely to be able to get another job. He works in a technical field and is REALLY good at his job and makes a good salary, but his company knows he's autistic. He doesn't interview well and probably wouldn't be able to handle a job elsewhere, since he interned at his current one through university and on intake they knew he was "special needs", even though outwardly he presents as "normal".

I offered to let him quit his job entirely since I would make enough to support us, though we'd need to be frugal in some areas. But he's concerned that this means either we won't have enough to retire and I'd be stuck working until I died. He says he'd feel guilty and that stresses him out, too. This is a legitimate concern for us as we won't have children who could help us financially in our old age.

[ExpatInItaly]

So in other words, he is receiving zero treatment for his individual issues 

Marriage counselling can't help him manage his underlying emotional problems and lack of healthy coping skills. That is way beyond the scope (and capability) of a marriage therapist. He might not want to take medication, but without the support of any sort of mental health medical professional, all the marriage counselling in the world will not work. Not to any real, measurable degree.

You don't have to issue him an utlimatum, but you also can't be expected to remain in a marriage that is already this troubled after just 6 years. Imagine decades of this. Having said that, were you not aware of the extent of his issues before you married him?

[Jane Doe 2222]

@ExpatInItaly No, I was not aware he had this level of dysfunction. He did have meltdowns, but they were infrequent and we were mostly happy. During the pandemic he seemed to have just deteriorated. He was already not happy with work, and then the pandemic put him into a state of unrelieved anxiety. Two years of that seems to have broken something for the both of us. He was melting down every day and it seems to have permanently depleted his ability to cope.

You have a good point about the mental health treatment. During our next counseling session I am going to bring up again that I would like him to see, alone, a mental health professional. I'm not sure where to go if/when he refuses, but thank you.

[BaileyB]

Have you ever seen an individual counsellor? You have said marriage counselling is not the place for you to have this discussion - and I agree. I think an individual counsellor for yourself may be helpful, as you need to find a way to cope (not that you haven’t been coping) such that you can stay in this relationship or you need to talk through the option of leaving…

[Jane Doe 2222]

@BaileyB Thanks for the suggestion. No, ai haven't seen an individual counselor. Perhaps this is something I should look into.

[ExpatInItaly]

How does he manage stress at work? 

[mark clemson]

Are you sure this is just ASD and not co-occurring with bipolar disorder or similar? At any rate, if his suggestions of suicide are serious ones he probably needs help that's beyond your paygrade to give. There are reasons why counselors are forbidden from being in a relationship with the person they're counseling.

Can you find a diplomatic way to get him to get help so he's not suggesting suicide? Then maybe he can work on other things as well such as the stuff that's bothering you. Just a thought.