MimiPi Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 Hello everybody, my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. The first 3 months were amazing and I had a really good relationship to his family and his little daughter. After 3 months we started having lots of arguments. I am a very anxious person and have sometimes been needy and clingy, he is very violent when he gets angry and uses hurtful words. But we always still communicated and talked to each other in order to solve the problems. 2 months ago we had an argument again at that time he were having serious issues with his family and getting more responsibility and breaking down financially so he decided to break up with me. I depressed and went to his place, tried to fix things but he didn’t want to. The break up lasted 3 weeks but in these three weeks we had communication every day and didn’t cut contact between us. After that he came back to me and we had a very long talk at my place and decided to go back together. He told me that the problems he has got worse also with his ex and he has no to take back his daughter and everything got more complicated for him and he told me that we won’t be able to meet each other that often for the next 2 or 3 months because he has to take care of everything going around. I told him that I will be patient with him. We got back together for one week, everything went well until we had an argument again and then he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me and to leave him alone. I still contacted him every day and tried to have communication with him and I have noticed that he were so stressed. I kept texting him and trying to talk to him for one week and then we had a phone call and he told me about more things that happened and his situation is getting worse everyday. I asked him what he wants from me he said he just wants his piece of mind. I asked him what does this mean? Should we keep talking or not? he said the best thing to do right now is not to talk, because he is breaking down and still has to gather his himself up for his daughter. I asked him how much time he needs he said one to 2 weeks. I told him that this is too much for me. He said he just can’t for the moment. I asked him if this means a break up, he said stop asking me this question , I clearly said what I want. I cried a lot and I am dramatising the situation and I am afraid to lose him again even though I know this comes from fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment style and I have to work on it but I feel lonely and can’t understand why is he mixing things up and what his problems have to do with me. And I want to know what should I do now? Should I wait for him? Is it really worth it or just move on? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 18 minutes ago, MimiPi said: Should I wait for him? Nope. 18 minutes ago, MimiPi said: Is it really worth it Oh, hell no. Why do even want a man you describe like this? 18 minutes ago, MimiPi said: he is very violent when he gets angry and uses hurtful words While you should have already left him, you need to stop disrespecting his wishes for no contact and leave him alone. It is selfish of you to keep pushng when he has told you to stop: 21 minutes ago, MimiPi said: he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me and to leave him alone. I still contacted him every day What is going on with you that you want to cling to ths horrible relationship? It's a mess and he is clearly done. You need to get yourself together and do some inner work to figure out what attracts you to chaos and dysfunction. This is not love, and there is no future with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 23 Author Share Posted June 23 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Nope. Oh, hell no. Why do even want a man you describe like this? While you should have already left him, you need to stop disrespecting his wishes for no contact and leave him alone. It is selfish of you to keep pushng when he has told you to stop: What is going on with you that you want to cling to ths horrible relationship? It's a mess and he is clearly done. You need to get yourself together and do some inner work to figure out what attracts you to chaos and dysfunction. This is not love, and there is no future with this man. Thank you for your perspective … I needed an outside view of my situation. And you are right. As I mentioned, I have a fear of abandonment and get attach easily and my attachment style is very anxious. I am aware of it and working on it. But I thought maybe it was his right asking for that space and was not sure … But at the end I abandoned myself Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 7 hours ago, MimiPi said: Should I wait for him? Please don’t. 7 hours ago, MimiPi said: Is it really worth it or just move on? It’s absolutely not worth it. Yes, definitely move on. I understand anxious attachment, I’m an anxious attacher myself. I also understand fear of abandonment. Even in a relationship with a good, loving partner, these traits are harmful and have to be moderated, if not eliminated altogether. But the man you described is not a good, loving partner. Please leave him alone and start working on your anxieties and fears. You’ll find a much better partner. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 You need to get into therapy about your fear of abandonment and your attachment style. That is one of the things that's stressing him out. He has told you he has to make things right with his daughter but you won't leave him to it. As a matter of fact when he does get things situated with his daughter he will be giving most of his attention to her. Can you handle that? It doesn't sound like you can. It also seems like he wants to break up with you and move on but you won't let him. Considering he is violent, you need to move on from him because he can't and isn't willing to give you what you want which is all of his attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 23 Author Share Posted June 23 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: Please don’t. It’s absolutely not worth it. Yes, definitely move on. I understand anxious attachment, I’m an anxious attacher myself. I also understand fear of abandonment. Even in a relationship with a good, loving partner, these traits are harmful and have to be moderated, if not eliminated altogether. But the man you described is not a good, loving partner. Please leave him alone and start working on your anxieties and fears. You’ll find a much better partner. Thank you very much for your answer. Absolutely, whenever we have a fight he triggers my anxieties more and they got worse than ever. I have heard that when you are with a good partner, the anxieties fade away with time. In my case not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 23 Author Share Posted June 23 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: You need to get into therapy about your fear of abandonment and your attachment style. That is one of the things that's stressing him out. He has told you he has to make things right with his daughter but you won't leave him to it. As a matter of fact when he does get things situated with his daughter he will be giving most of his attention to her. Can you handle that? It doesn't sound like you can. It also seems like he wants to break up with you and move on but you won't let him. Considering he is violent, you need to move on from him because he can't and isn't willing to give you what you want which is all of his attention. Indeed. He already told me when he first broke up that he weren’t able to give me the love, time and attention I need because he has to handle all his issues. But breaking up I don’t think so since he is a very direct and sincere man, he would gave told me directly that he wants to breakup with me and wouldn’t care about my feelings (he tells me always he doesn’t care how I feel when he speaks what he thinks and think it’s right for him) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 8 hours ago, MimiPi said: 2 months ago we had an argument again at that time he were having serious issues with his family and getting more responsibility and breaking down financially so he decided to break up with me. 8 hours ago, MimiPi said: We got back together for one week, everything went well until we had an argument again and then he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me and to leave him alone. I still contacted him every day and tried to have communication with him and I have noticed that he were so stressed. I kept texting him and trying to talk to him for one week and then we had a phone call and he told me about more things that happened and his situation is getting worse everyday. I asked him what he wants from me he said he just wants his piece of mind. I asked him what does this mean? Should we keep talking or not? he said the best thing to do right now is not to talk, I have highlighted 3 times where he's tried to get rid of you but you continue to reach out to him to get him back. Stop it, he wants to move on from you. Let him. I think he's still involved with his child's mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 23 Author Share Posted June 23 1 hour ago, stillafool said: I have highlighted 3 times where he's tried to get rid of you but you continue to reach out to him to get him back. Stop it, he wants to move on from you. Let him. I think he's still involved with his child's mother. Yes it’s time to move on also in my life Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 (edited) 16 hours ago, MimiPi said: he is very violent when he gets angry and uses hurtful words. I'm so sorry, but the bolded should be an instant dealbreaker. Some people come from families where hurtful words get used and they don't realise that hurtful words damage those we care about. Poor behaviour with words can be worked through if they genuinely want to learn to improve their communication skills. But even then, you should only give them one more chance. But when it comes to violence, it should always be an instant deal breaker. There is no "I didn't know better" excuse when it comes to violence. When I say instant dealbreaker, I'm talking about kicking them out immediately/leaving their place immediately and calling police if you need assistance. Edited June 24 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 6 hours ago, basil67 said: I'm so sorry, but the bolded should be an instant dealbreaker. Some people come from families where hurtful words get used and they don't realise that hurtful words damage those we care about. Poor behaviour with words can be worked through if they genuinely want to learn to improve their communication skills. But even then, you should only give them one more chance. But when it comes to violence, it should always be an instant deal breaker. There is no "I didn't know better" excuse when it comes to violence. When I say instant dealbreaker, I'm talking about kicking them out immediately/leaving their place immediately and calling police if you need assistance. Thank you very much for your answer. In fact, it happened twice and I have been the one kicked out from his place. The reason was extreme jealousy and willing to control. Calling the police was difficult since he has a daughter Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 What is your relationship history like, Mimi? Has it been similarly turbulent? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What is your relationship history like, Mimi? Has it been similarly turbulent? Very similar yes. I have been always abandoned at the end Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 1 minute ago, MimiPi said: Very similar yes. I have been always abandoned at the end Ask yourself this: what kind of men are choosing? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 2 hours ago, MimiPi said: Calling the police was difficult since he has a daughter Why? How does him having a daughter affect you calling the police if you're at risk? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Ask yourself this: what kind of men are choosing? You are right. I did it, and always men who tend to engage at the beginning but then walk away or ghost Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 6 minutes ago, basil67 said: Why? How does him having a daughter affect you calling the police if you're at risk? I thought about his daughter because then she will be taken away to another family if he has ro go to the jail or something like that Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 Just now, MimiPi said: I thought about his daughter because then she will be taken away to another family if he has ro go to the jail or something like that If he had to go to jail? Just how bad were things which could make him end up in jail? Does the girl have a mother in her life? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 3 minutes ago, MimiPi said: I did it, and always men who tend to engage at the beginning but then walk away or ghost If the previous relationships were anything like this one, you need to learn to walk away when the relationship has lots of arguments. Having occasional disagreements is normal, but lots of arguments is not normal or acceptable. And if it gets as far as a breakup, you need to learn to accept when they tell you that it's no longer working for them. You wasted an extra 5 months with this loser when you could have been free of him at the 3 month mark when he tried to end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 1 hour ago, basil67 said: If he had to go to jail? Just how bad were things which could make him end up in jail? Does the girl have a mother in her life? Because being physically agressiv towards a woman in Germany ends up in jail. And yes she has a mother but she is mentally ill and tried to commit suicide ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 1 hour ago, basil67 said: If the previous relationships were anything like this one, you need to learn to walk away when the relationship has lots of arguments. Having occasional disagreements is normal, but lots of arguments is not normal or acceptable. And if it gets as far as a breakup, you need to learn to accept when they tell you that it's no longer working for them. You wasted an extra 5 months with this loser when you could have been free of him at the 3 month mark when he tried to end it. Actually I did accept the first break up and walked away. He is the one who kept in contact with me, texting and calling and wanted then to get back together. I told him he has to change his behaviour but a week later the same thing happened. The reason I couldn't get away that far is that he always came back to me and I thought this is true love when someone appologizes and comes back and doesn't want to let go of you that easy. I got more attached with time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 10 hours ago, MimiPi said: The reason I couldn't get away that far is that he always came back to me and I thought this is true love when someone appologizes and comes back and doesn't want to let go of you that easy. I got more attached with time. An apology without him immediately taking action to make sure the thing doesn't happen again means nothing. Anyone can apologise and beg for you to return, but unless it's backed up by meaningful change, it's nothing more than meaningful words. Love is about action. So looking at his actions: were his actions towards you in line with what love, care and respect look like? Heck, would you treat a dog like he treated you? Would you return a dog to someone who abused it, gave it away and then wanted it back? Further, such entrenched behaviours aren't going to stop overnight even if he wants them to. As a predictor of change, I'd expect him to find his own therapy and anger management classes...and then be able to demonstrate a good six months of changed behaviour before giving him another chance Link to post Share on other sites
Author MimiPi Posted June 25 Author Share Posted June 25 7 hours ago, basil67 said: An apology without him immediately taking action to make sure the thing doesn't happen again means nothing. Anyone can apologise and beg for you to return, but unless it's backed up by meaningful change, it's nothing more than meaningful words. Love is about action. So looking at his actions: were his actions towards you in line with what love, care and respect look like? Heck, would you treat a dog like he treated you? Would you return a dog to someone who abused it, gave it away and then wanted it back? Further, such entrenched behaviours aren't going to stop overnight even if he wants them to. As a predictor of change, I'd expect him to find his own therapy and anger management classes...and then be able to demonstrate a good six months of changed behaviour before giving him another chance That is really meaningful, thank you. Actually everytime he abused me or hurted me and came back to me I immediately forgave him and tried my best to avoid things that trigger his anger like words such as you must or it’s your fault etc. But as I told him what triggers me, he says he will try to avoid it but whenever we have a fight and I remind him he would say he doesn’t care. I expected the same from him but it was an illusion. I recommended therapy to him but he always says his daughter has the priority, he doesn’t have time for it know nor money … now it has been 3 days without talking to me as he said clearly he wants 1 or 2 weeks of his peace of mind to focus in his own issues. I have lost a baby and he didn’t bother asking how I am doing now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 25 Share Posted June 25 On 6/24/2024 at 1:51 AM, MimiPi said: I have heard that when you are with a good partner, the anxieties fade away with time. Well, not necessarily. You still have to work on your anxieties. But obviously, a good partner will be patient and supportive, which will greatly increase your chances to become better yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 25 Share Posted June 25 (edited) 19 hours ago, MimiPi said: I thought this is true love when someone appologizes and comes back and doesn't want to let go of you that easy. None of these things is sufficient to indicate true love. In that man’s case, they are merely symptoms of his controlling, needy, insecure character. Edited June 25 by Gebidozo Link to post Share on other sites
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