Need some honest advice on my situation

[Hoops700]

My ex broke up with me a month ago because of some ongoing issues in our relationship for a long time and she gave me chances to change but I didn't so she had enough and left. She keeps saying to me it's right person wrong time, anyway I met up with her yesterday so say my final saying on it all and then was planning on going no contact but we ended up kissing and nearly having sex. She said to me that she has no interest in having sex with anyone other guy and I also said I have no interest in any other women so she asked if i wanted to be f*** buddies, but she also said I could go round for dinner we could watch movies together etc so it's like a relationship without the label.

She said to me that she didn't breakup with me to take advantage of the single life and she said that as soon as she is ready for a relationship she would come to me and if I wanted her back we would try us again.

What do you guys think, I will say she has bad mental health that she takes meds for and she is currently not taking them but let me know what u guys think, be honest and brutal I'll appreciate it

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

She is planning to keep you as her surrogate boyfriend until she meets the next guy she wants to date. 

You would be foolish to believe otherwise. If you proceed, understand that you are going to wind up hurt and discarded. 

[Hoops700]

She told me to not wait for her, I just don’t know what to do, because I think friends with benefits could help me get her back quicker if I play my cards right. I believe her when she says she don’t want anyone else I just don’t know what to do 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hoops700 said:

My ex broke up with me a month ago because of some ongoing issues in our relationship for a long time and she gave me chances to change but I didn't

I feel like there's important history here which has been sidestepped.  Did you not make the changes because you felt her requests were unreasonable, or you did think she had a point but you didn't feel like changing?   What's the background to this part of the story?

As for the rest, if you want her back don't give her sex or attention when you're not in a relationship with her.  At the moment, she's using you as a salve for her own heartbreak from breaking up with you.  

Edited June 23 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, Hoops700 said:

I believe her when she says she don’t want anyone else

You surely realize it won't stay this way. She might not have her eye on anyone specific right now, but that will eventually change. 

48 minutes ago, Hoops700 said:

because I think friends with benefits could help me get her back quicker if I play my cards right

No. All that will do is help her wean herself off you while she shops for your replacement. It's naive to think this will help keep her around. 

49 minutes ago, Hoops700 said:

She told me to not wait for her,

This is the most important take-away. A woman who had any intention of reconciling would never say this. That's not how we ladies operate. She doesn't want you to wait because she knows she isn't placing herself on hold for you, either. 

[Hoops700]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I feel like there's important history here which has been sidestepped.  Did you not make the changes because you felt her requests were unreasonable, or you did think she had a point but you didn't feel like changing?   What's the background to this part of the story?

As for the rest, if you want her back don't give her sex or attention when you're not in a relationship with her.  At the moment, she's using you as a salve for her own heartbreak from breaking up with you.  

She had a point, I would change my ways for about 2 weeks then slip back into how I was before. The issues where me not taking her out on dates, she use to have to beg me to be taken out, she woukd have to beg me to do house chores etc just a lot of issues

 

the mindset I have is, I will still crack on with my life and if there are times she asks me to see her I will and there will be times where I say no, I want to give her attention but then also starve her at the same time.

 

i truly believe that for her it’s right person wrong time, and I believe that she does not want sex with anyone else but I want her back but she said that how she feels at the moment she isn’t going to want a relationship for a year or two, I want to try and use friends with benefits to speed that process up.

 

for example when she asks to see me, I can show her with actions I have changed, after we have sex ask her if she wants to go get food for example, or go round there with some ingredients and make her something. I want to show her I am ready to love her the right way and with friends with benefits I feel like I can show my actions  

[Hoops700]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You surely realize it won't stay this way. She might not have her eye on anyone specific right now, but that will eventually change. 

No. All that will do is help her wean herself off you while she shops for your replacement. It's naive to think this will help keep her around. 

This is the most important take-away. A woman who had any intention of reconciling would never say this. That's not how we ladies operate. She doesn't want you to wait because she knows she isn't placing herself on hold for you, either. 

I just want to say I appreciate the brutal honesty, I asked her why she dont mind if I move on and she said that she dont want me to move on but it would be unfair and toxic to tell me to wait and that its unfair in saying that, so she said i dont want you to but i cant stop you so if you find a women u want to pursue then do it 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Hoops700 said:

I can show her with actions I have changed, after we have sex ask her if she wants to go get food for example, or go round there with some ingredients and make her something.

Too little, too late, man. You should not have waited until you lost her to shape up. That tells her you never actually appreciated her and only paid attention when her feelings had changed to the point that she didn't want this relationship anymore. It's not a viable prospect after someone has already broken up with you. 

4 minutes ago, Hoops700 said:

I asked her why she dont mind if I move on

As I said above, it's becasue she doesn't have the same feelings for you any longer. Also, she wants to move on. Trying to woo her back with a silly FWB plan is almost definitely going to backfire when she enjoys the attention and company but still finda a new guy someday. 

[Hoops700]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Too little, too late, man. You should not have waited until you lost her to shape up. That tells her you never actually appreciated her and only paid attention when her feelings had changed to the point that she didn't want this relationship anymore. It's not a viable prospect after someone has already broken up with you. 

As I said above, it's becasue she doesn't have the same feelings for you any longer. Also, she wants to move on. Trying to woo her back with a silly FWB plan is almost definitely going to backfire when she enjoys the attention and company but still finda a new guy someday. 

okay but I want her back, so what is the best way I can do this 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Hoops700 said:

okay but I want her back, so what is the best way I can do this 

Forget the FWB-look-at-me-now show. It's desperate and rarely moves the needle in the direction the dumpee wants. 

Tell her you respect her choice to end it, and to help you heal, you need to end contact with her. No more chats or get-togethers. She can't miss you or even begin to clearly evaluate her choice to break up with you otherwise. Let her know that if she wishes to consider recociliation, she can get in touch. But otherwise, you need to stay away from each other so you can begin to move past her. 

Understand that she may never come back, though. But you will be in a better place for it since you weren't clinging on to her like a man who has no respect for himself, dude. 

[Hoops700]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Forget the FWB-look-at-me-now show. It's desperate and rarely moves the needle in the direction the dumpee wants. 

Tell her you respect her choice to end it, and to help you heal, you need to end contact with her. No more chats or get-togethers. She can't miss you or even begin to clearly evaluate her choice to break up with you otherwise. Let her know that if she wishes to consider recociliation, she can get in touch. But otherwise, you need to stay away from each other so you can begin to move past her. 

Understand that she may never come back, though. But you will be in a better place for it since you weren't clinging on to her like a man who has no respect for himself, dude. 

Some very solid advice and my heart want to not accept it but I know I have to, if she reaches out to ask to see me etc I will tell her that I’ve decided to do the whole fwb thing because I want a relationship with you and it will not allow me to heal and move on, if it’s meant to be it will be and leave it at that 

 

thank you for the support 

[Gebidozo]

I totally agree with Expat in Italy. Don’t do the FWB thing, distance yourself from her, and don’t expect anything.

I don’t think you should hope to be together with a woman who wished to downgrade your relationship like that.

[Hoops700]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I totally agree with Expat in Italy. Don’t do the FWB thing, distance yourself from her, and don’t expect anything.

I don’t think you should hope to be together with a woman who wished to downgrade your relationship like that.

I appreciate the advice, she has just made it harder by giving me the choice of fwb to begin with. And her telling me she loves me still and that when she does want a relationship she will come back if I’m still willing it’s just hard 

[SurfCity]

12 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

she gave me chances to change but I didn't

Honest question, why didn't you?

Now you want her back and are planning to manipulate her to do so...why go through all that when you could've just taken her on dates in the first place? If you do get her back are you planning on changing or going back to your old ways? 

[Hoops700]

1 minute ago, SurfCity said:

Honest question, why didn't you?

Now you want her back and are planning to manipulate her to do so...why go through all that when you could've just taken her on dates in the first place? If you do get her back are you planning on changing or going back to your old ways? 

I’m not trying to manipulate her lol, but unfortunately it took me to lose her to realise my mistakes and that I want this girl more than anything

 

in my time apart I have grown and changed and ready to love her the right way 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

I appreciate the advice, she has just made it harder by giving me the choice of fwb to begin with. And her telling me she loves me still and that when she does want a relationship she will come back if I’m still willing it’s just hard 

Yes, she shouldn’t have said any of those things. She said them because she thought they would soften the blow of the breakup. Instead, they only made it harder.

Please try to forget those words and carry on as though they had never been spoken.

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

I just don’t know what to do, because I think friends with benefits could help me get her back quicker if I play my cards right. 

This is really foolish and naive.  If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you now.  But she is choosing not to do that.  This FWB thing wouldn't make you "get her back quicker".  She just offering that to keep you as a backup plan, to give herself some no strings attached companionship until she meets someone else.  If she actually wanted to be with you, she would be with you now and wouldn't be playing these games.  The smart thing to do would be to put a clean end to this, and let her miss you.  If she truly misses you then maybe she'll come back.  

[basil67]

16 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

She keeps saying to me it's right person wrong time

She's giving you platitudes.  "Right person wrong time" is a person who ticks most of the the boxes but it's not going to work because they need to focus on something else in their lives.  Like regularly having to work 16 hour days, or being primary carer to someone with high needs, or that they are about to go overseas for a long time.  This isn't the situation.  

In this case, she primarily broke up because you'd been given multiple warnings about not contributing to the relationship/household and she was tired of the laziness.  You were actually the wrong person at the right time.  From her perspective: while communicating our needs is important, if they don't change until we've ended the relationship it shows that they really had no respect for our needs or the relationship to start with.  It's important for a person to find a partner who will address issues BEFORE there are consequences.   Not a partner who doesn't care until there are consequences.

On the positive, now that you've been through this once, you'll have a better idea of how to manage a future relationship.  Start by keeping your own place neat and tidy so that it becomes a habit.  Take this learning experience onboard and be a better man

Edited June 24 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, she's just throwing out words. She has no clarity--don't take her words seriously. 

Do take her actions seriously--she broke up with you.

It's over. Move on. She can't even be coherent in her words. Dude, trust me: she doesn't want to date you. Move the heck on. 

[SurfCity]

 

7 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

I’m not trying to manipulate her lol,

Well, you actually are, this is manipulation: 

18 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

the mindset I have is, I will still crack on with my life and if there are times she asks me to see her I will and there will be times where I say no, I want to give her attention but then also starve her at the same time.

Breaking up and getting back together over and over is just a mess. Even if you get her back and do everything she ever wanted, the relationship has been changed forever, it'll never be like it was. And there's a huge probability that once you get her back, after a while, you'll go right back to your bad habits... that's just human nature.

Stop wasting this girl's time and let her go so that she can find someone who values her.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, Hoops700 said:

The issues where me not taking her out on dates, she use to have to beg me to be taken out

Were you even that into her anymore? Why had you lost the motivation to have a date with her? 

Many years ago, an ex of mine slid into the same territory. We'd been together a few years and I started to feel like it was pulling teeth to get him to do any fun things with me. I got tired of it, and eventually lost interest myself and ended it. After the break-up, he also tried to pull out all the stops and promised things would be different and so on. But it was way too late. I cared about him but just didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. 

So I am wondering, what happened to your own feelings during the relationhip? If you are honest with yourself, what do you think was behing your seeming lack of interest in her? 

[Hoops700]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Were you even that into her anymore? Why had you lost the motivation to have a date with her? 

Many years ago, an ex of mine slid into the same territory. We'd been together a few years and I started to feel like it was pulling teeth to get him to do any fun things with me. I got tired of it, and eventually lost interest myself and ended it. After the break-up, he also tried to pull out all the stops and promised things would be different and so on. But it was way too late. I cared about him but just didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. 

So I am wondering, what happened to your own feelings during the relationhip? If you are honest with yourself, what do you think was behing your seeming lack of interest in her? 

We moved very fast, I’m 20 years old and we got a flat together, I provided for her at this age and was very stressful, I also got comfortable and had the mindset she is never leaving which is wrong I know. I have learnt my lesson but I do truly love the girl and always will. She is my soulmate 

[ExpatInItaly]

How long were you together before you moved in together? And how long were you dating in total?

1 minute ago, Hoops700 said:

She is my soulmate 

She isn't. If she were, well, you two would still be together because you'd have both found ways to make it work. She isn't The One. 

[Hoops700]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long were you together before you moved in together? And how long were you dating in total?

She isn't. If she were, well, you two would still be together because you'd have both found ways to make it work. She isn't The One. 

We was together for 3 years but we go way back and have always had something there just never acted on it, we lived together about 1.5 years into relationship

 

sometime it takes people to be apart and grow as individuals for it to work. I have a lot of self growth to do and I’m sure she does too 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Hoops700 said:

sometime it takes people to be apart and grow as individuals for it to work. I have a lot of self growth to do and I’m sure she does too 

Take it from someone more than twice your age who has seen this over and over - it only very rarely actually works.

More often than not, the people in question grow and move on to different relationships. Sometimes people reunite, yes, but I have yet to see more than a handul couples successfully do so and remain together years later. This is especially true when the people in question got together very young, as you two did. And given that you can't have had much relationship experience outside this (due to how young you are), how can you possibly determing she is your soulmate? You inherently have very little to compare this relationship to. This is your fear and lack of relationship experience speaking, more than anything else. 

I don't say this to rain in your parade, but rather to encourage you to focus on healing rather than reconciliation. The former is what will utlimately bring you happiness.