Sheenzy Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 I have been seeing a girl for 6 weeks. In the first two weeks everything was amazing however by week 3-5 it started to change and she seemed to become more distant, I questioned her on this multiple times but she said she was fine. I suffer with bad anxiety and so one day i asked again and by the time i got a response I had been drinking, I got a very long and respectable message back explaining that it had only been six weeks and we were not even together which I lost my cool and began messaging quite vile comments as her behaviour in the first two weeks such as talking about rings, prospects of the future with us, changing my profile pics and changing her name on my phone etc had led me to believe we were more than we actually were. I finally realised that my behavioural response to her was unacceptable and apologised and we carried on talking as normal however she stated she wanted time, which i gave her however we still speak every day via text. As we continued to talk I managed to get out of her that actually there was an issue a week after I had done what i did in the previous paragraph and she admitted that she was scared that she didnt think she could give herself fully to anyone and she began to break down crying and blaming herself for her past relationships ending. I comforted her and explained the situation and that a decision needed to be made about us. She also admitted that she too played a part in the week before where the drama took place by not communicating properly. I have explained the importance of communication and that i struggle there too and that we could do this together however we had an issue again at week 5 when she failed to be able to communicate with me and speak about what was on her mind, i got frustrated again however did not resort to the previous behaviours. We went in with the mindset that we were going to end this dating because it was too much to which i explained none of this would be happening if you just communicated with me and explained that it doesnt matter how because we can talk about what it is you would be trying to say and get to the bottom of things. Anyway since then I have given her an ultimatum shes also very stressed because she will be half way around the world for 6 months from this august. I gave her the option of letting me go, we try this again and properly because technically it wasnt really ended or we put a pin in it and live our lives while still talking to one and other and see what happens while shes away. She said her head was saying no and her heart was saying yes to being together and she didnt want to choose any of the options. I explained none of this is healthy for either of us and that there had to be a decision as she feels shes scared she'll make the wrong choice and i explained that was life. I have told her that I will support her through any issues as it has cropped up that she may have past trauma from her childhood effecting her ability to give me 100%. She has stated she really likes me and doesnt want to let me go but doesnt want know what to do. Yesterday she made the effort to come and visit me and stayed the night and everything was A OK, she was still quite distant but we were intimate, hugging, kissing and later slept together however I can feel there is alot going on in her head. I need advice on how to navigate this, I want to be with her but at the same time I dont want to be there whenever she needs me as I dont want to give off the wrong impression that she can have these elements of me without having an intimate thing with me, at the same time I dont want to hurt her and I want to be there for her as I do want to help her and eventually be with her any way i can. Her friends have told her to walk away from me however she doesnt want to take their advice which i suppose is a good thing. I see a future with her but I just dont know if I should just ghost her for a bit as I have told her ill give her time even though she keeps contacting me herself or what? This is also her first time in 10 years since shes been with a woman and has stated that this is still new to her but has stated none of this is based around that fact and its purely her feeling inadequate to me. Any advice would be appreciated - this is a female female relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 I know you care. That said, too many issues have cropped up in the first weeks of dating that if this was actual relationship it would be an epic red flag waving in front of you. This is a classic case of someone being emotionally unavailable, baggage from previous relationships, and personal issues that they have not resolved. Relationships are supposed to make our lives easier and more fun. When there's drama within 6 weeks of dating when its supposed to be all peachy and new and fun.... step back. Your crush needs to get their own life in order and stop looking for someone else to come in and save them. Even your red haired knightness in shining armor complex will not help here. You think you can resolve her issues... NO! Only she can decide to resolve them herself. All those great "blackmailed me into liking her" traits that you praised in the first weeks were causing a disequilibrium within you which either drew you too close to her and caused her to pull away for space. That is NOT a good dynamic at all. You became codependent way too easily especially during early days. This has gone way too fast for obvious reasons. She knew this too but didn't have the emotional maturity to stop it. She latched onto you hoping for security blankets and you took that as being loved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sheenzy Posted June 23 Author Share Posted June 23 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: I know you care. That said, too many issues have cropped up in the first weeks of dating that if this was actual relationship it would be an epic red flag waving in front of you. This is a classic case of someone being emotionally unavailable, baggage from previous relationships, and personal issues that they have not resolved. Relationships are supposed to make our lives easier and more fun. When there's drama within 6 weeks of dating when its supposed to be all peachy and new and fun.... step back. Your crush needs to get their own life in order and stop looking for someone else to come in and save them. Even your red haired knightness in shining armor complex will not help here. You think you can resolve her issues... NO! Only she can decide to resolve them herself. All those great "blackmailed me into liking her" traits that you praised in the first weeks were causing a disequilibrium within you which either drew you too close to her and caused her to pull away for space. That is NOT a good dynamic at all. You became codependent way too easily especially during early days. This has gone way too fast for obvious reasons. She knew this too but didn't have the emotional maturity to stop it. She latched onto you hoping for security blankets and you took that as being loved. So would you say for me to end this completely and move on? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 Six weeks is too early to be feeling really positive about having a future with someone. Yes, it feels wonderful, but all these feelings are just the ride your hormones and new relationship energy is taking you on. At this point, your approach needs to be that of enjoying it but also looking for red flags. This relationship actually sounds like it's got far too many issues already. Further, you're leaving the decision about staying in touch while she's away to her - this is pretty messed up on your part! Where's your own power in all of this? If you want to continue the relationship for six months long distance and think your anxiety can cope, then do that. If she doesn't want to, or has doubts, then let her make her own decision as she feels she needs to. All that said, if it were me and a relationship had this many problems in the 6 week mark and one of us was about to go away for six months, I'd already have walked away from it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sheenzy Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 Guys to you both I would like to give you an update. So upon talking to her and finally getting her to be honest she has stated that for the last 3 weeks she has not felt 100% about me and her and that she does not see a future in me and her... I dont really know how to feel its almost like shes led me on for the last 3 weeks, still seeing me and still sleeping with me and messaging me every single day... She built me up to begin to trust her when in actual fact this was a mistake for me to do... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 It's best that she called this off. After only 6 weeks, you two were already having problems. When problems crop up that quickly, it means you are not a match and need to move along. This wasn't a fit for either of you. Try to slow things down next time and not get too carried away too quickly, despite what the other person is saying or doing. Don't get swept up too early on by future talk, in other words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sheenzy Posted July 20 Author Share Posted July 20 (edited) So it’s been called off as you mentioned we haven’t spoken for two weeks, I last told her I can’t be a toy and I can’t be her friend and that I wish her well etc etc… she still follows me on social media, it doesn’t bother me tbh but I unfollowed her on socials for my own sanity. she has been watching my stories which is unlike what she used to but even so it means nothing… as time has gone on she has begun to interact with my socials uploads for example I posted a poll on instagram and she responded but then I did another poll and she saw it but didn’t react.. again I’m indifferent to it but I’m interested nonetheless at further insights into this… I never reacted or responded to any of her social media activities regarding me and I have not communicated with her in any capacity. Yesterday I posted a post and she has decided now to message me.. it was to do with me wearing the same socks but one being shorter and she replied to the post the morning after stating the “right one is mine 😂”. Again I still haven’t reacted or responded, she doesn’t even know I’ve opened this message… When I ceased communications and entered no contact one of my final messages were if she had a change of heart in the future about her feelings or us to not be afraid to reach out.. I made it very clear I could not offer her friendship but yet she’s decided to increase the intensity of her reactions to me Edited July 20 by Sheenzy Contextual meaning missing Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20 Share Posted July 20 2 hours ago, Sheenzy said: I made it very clear I could not offer her friendship but yet she’s decided to increase the intensity of her reactions to me This is typical of people who don't want to actually date you, but enjoy having you in their fan club. She wants you to react to her message in some way. And when she's satisfied that she can still get your attention, she'll back away again. Don't fall for it or assume it means anything more than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 20 Share Posted July 20 2 hours ago, Sheenzy said: So it’s been called off as you mentioned we haven’t spoken for two weeks, I last told her I can’t be a toy and I can’t be her friend and that I wish her well etc etc… she still follows me on social media, it doesn’t bother me tbh but I unfollowed her on socials for my own sanity. she has been watching my stories which is unlike what she used to but even so it means nothing… as time has gone on she has begun to interact with my socials uploads for example I posted a poll on instagram and she responded but then I did another poll and she saw it but didn’t react.. again I’m indifferent to it but I’m interested nonetheless at further insights into this… I never reacted or responded to any of her social media activities regarding me and I have not communicated with her in any capacity. Yesterday I posted a post and she has decided now to message me.. it was to do with me wearing the same socks but one being shorter and she replied to the post the morning after stating the “right one is mine 😂”. Again I still haven’t reacted or responded, she doesn’t even know I’ve opened this message… When I ceased communications and entered no contact one of my final messages were if she had a change of heart in the future about her feelings or us to not be afraid to reach out.. I made it very clear I could not offer her friendship but yet she’s decided to increase the intensity of her reactions to me No. Don't take the bait in case she is trying to goad you into some kind of response for reasons unknown. Focus on inner work if you're doing any, and recalling lessons learned from previous relationships. If she's doing this to drop some emotion-laden bait to get you to talk, remind yourself of the reasons why you stopped talking in the first place during no-contact. And spend some time fantasizing weird, whimsical, bizarre scenarios that will never occur in reality (that's how I distract myself, anyways). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sheenzy Posted July 20 Author Share Posted July 20 Thanks guys I thought as much this is precisely why I haven’t replied at all because I refuse to take the bait and I’m so worried my expectations will then build and it end up setting me back emotionally and mentally Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Please block this person. You aren't going to get a real relationship here so it's pointless to keep her on your social media. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Way, way, WAY too much for 6 weeks here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sheenzy Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 This morning I have woken up to a congratulations message on promotion as we both work for the same organisation but we work at complete opposite ends of the country. It’s funny because she knows that even though I have promoted as I had originally promoted the year before that my situation is unchanged regardless of promoting continuously for this year as well. she effectively congratulated me out of the blue. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 On 8/1/2024 at 6:24 PM, Sheenzy said: This morning I have woken up to a congratulations message on promotion as we both work for the same organisation but we work at complete opposite ends of the country. It’s funny because she knows that even though I have promoted as I had originally promoted the year before that my situation is unchanged regardless of promoting continuously for this year as well. she effectively congratulated me out of the blue. If you don't want her making contact with you, remove her from being able to follow you or block her (depending on what app you're using) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts