I went through her phone and confirmed my suspicions

[JJE]

Involved in a long distance relationship with a woman i met 8 months ago at a mutual friends wedding. We hit it off right away and ended up sleeping together that night and again the following night. We remained in contact, speaking daily. She came to visit me within the month and we had an amazing and romantic time together. We made love numerous times a day over a period of 6 days before she returned home. Over the next 8 months we would plan trips of me visiting her and her visiting me. Always an amazing time. There were warning flags i chose to ignore like her telling me, a story at a time, how she has essentially cheated on her last 5 boyfriends, hearing her speak disrespectfully to her father, her breaking up with all of her boyfriends, and her keeping a lot of her ex boyfriends as friends. Long story short, i noticed she would always become distant and neglectful two weeks after we would visit each other and 6 months in, i ended up breaking up with her after she visited an ex boyfriend, on the way to a work event, without even telling me. She apologized for the infraction, but when she refused to establish healthy boundaries with men and her ex boyfriends i broke it off. We began speaking with one another within the week and she ended up buying a ticket to come visit me for 6 days. Two weeks after she purchased the ticket, once again she became distant and neglectful, so i started to give her more and more space. Oddly enough, the more space i gave her, the more she would message me saying how she misses me and hasn't heard from me. So when she came to visit me, while she slept i went through her phone and found messages between her and an ex boyfriend, who she said she barely spoke to and how she never hangs out with him 1 on 1. They were essentially still in a relationship and he would take her out to dinner, then a motel to have sex with her. This had been going on and off for 2 years. So, i guess she was cheating on her ex boyfriend with me. Although, he apparently knew about me and he still kept sleeping with her. I confronted her and i was very mature about it. She told me there were other guys and i told her i wouldn't be with someone who is sleeping with other guys and she, on her own accord chose to cut things off with the ex, but never got around to the other one because, within the week or two i noticed the same patterns of behavior creeping back in. The neglect and distance so i ended it with her, and shipped all her things back to her. It really hurt because we had spoken about starting a family and being married and how beautiful things would be. I believe she has issues and needs to speak with a therapist. I wrote her a letter along with her items which i returned to her, asking her to get help because this seemed to be a habitual tendency of hers and the self sabotage was consistent along with the chronic lying. She called and texted but i never replied. I tried going out on dates but have been too hurt so i just spent a few days crying my guts out til my voice went horse. Now im doing better, albeit, still healing. Her package is suppose to arrive tomorrow and i actually did forget to add a few things to her package but, i guess thats tax or whatever. It will take time but, im certain i will heal and use my experience to better vet woman and i now have the strength to cut things off quickly if needed, before investing too much of my heart. I cant do the friends with benefits, it grosses me out. I want commitment and loyalty. Thanks for reading.

[basil67]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. 

If you take anything from this, it's that if your trust and security with them is so broken that you need to invade their privacy to get confirmation, just end it before you get to that point.  Learn to listen to your instincts

[JJE]

Exactly. I knew her passcode for months too but, never used it because i wanted to trust her. Although, I should have listened to my initial instincts and just cut ties. I needed this experience.

Edited Monday at 02:41 AM by JJE
added more

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry.  It sounds like you handled things as well as you could have, considering that they'd gotten to that point.  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/24/2024 at 4:19 AM, JJE said:

It will take time but, im certain i will heal and use my experience to better vet woman and i now have the strength to cut things off quickly if needed, before investing too much of my heart.

This is the most important take-away. Don't ignore your gut next time, and don't ignore the obvious red flags. 

This chick is a mess and it was never going to be the relationship you fantasized about.