Jane Grey Posted Monday at 06:40 AM Share Posted Monday at 06:40 AM (edited) I ended our affair 2 weeks ago quite amiably. We both agreed to the breakup. He wasn't leaving his wife and I was unhappy with that so I decided to finally end the 8 year on/off affair. Obviously, I was and am heartbroken. 2 days ago he messaged just to say Hi! I engaged in a conversation which he barely took part in. He said his wife was around so I said fine - talk later. Later he messaged and acted like it was me texting him, annoying him..he then emotionally assaulted me, told me he was deleting our old conversations, and was never,ever talking to me again. He proceeded to end our already finished relationship. I had posted photos of me at a concert, really enjoying myself the night before the message. Would this prompt such a visceral reaction? Why would he do this!? I am heartbroken!! Edited Monday at 06:41 AM by Jane Grey Mis-spelling Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted Monday at 07:28 AM Share Posted Monday at 07:28 AM Some people can't deal with getting dumped. Sounds like he was one of them. He's really not worth a second thought. Go and live your life - find yourself a good man who's available 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted Monday at 08:14 AM Share Posted Monday at 08:14 AM 1 hour ago, Jane Grey said: Later he messaged and acted like it was me texting him, annoying him..he then emotionally assaulted me, told me he was deleting our old conversations, and was never,ever talking to me again. He proceeded to end our already finished relationship. I had posted photos of me at a concert, really enjoying myself the night before the message. Would this prompt such a visceral reaction? Eh, it was probably his wife that prompted it. She likely has caught on to the fact that he's been stepping out and had him make it very clear to you that it's done. Whatever the case, it is indeed done and you need to block him everywhere. It will be way too hard to move on if you don't. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted Monday at 12:19 PM Share Posted Monday at 12:19 PM 4 hours ago, basil67 said: Some people can't deal with getting dumped. Sounds like he was one of them. He's really not worth a second thought. Go and live your life - find yourself a good man who's available He’s just trying to manipulate you and grasp some semblance of control. He’s a clown and doesn’t deserve a moment of your attention. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted Monday at 01:14 PM Share Posted Monday at 01:14 PM 6 hours ago, Jane Grey said: Why would he do this!? Because he wanted to get to you - and he did. This is not a man that you want in your life. When someone shows you who they are - believe them. You would be wise to leave this relationship on your rear view mirror… 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted Monday at 03:35 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:35 PM If you ended it with him what difference does it make why he's doing what he did? Just block him so you don't have this problem anymore. 1 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 08:22 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 08:22 PM 12 hours ago, basil67 said: Some people can't deal with getting dumped. Sounds like he was one of them. He's really not worth a second thought. Go and live your life - find yourself a good man who's available Thanks for that! It was very odd to me that he came back just to reiterate what was decided on previously. I am still sad though! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 08:24 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 08:24 PM 12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Eh, it was probably his wife that prompted it. She likely has caught on to the fact that he's been stepping out and had him make it very clear to you that it's done. Whatever the case, it is indeed done and you need to block him everywhere. It will be way too hard to move on if you don't. No, it definitely wasn't his wife - this was his and his alone decision to upset me and hurt me the way only he would know how...so upset but definitely not going back. I've restricted him - building up to blocking with the help of a therapist. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 08:26 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 08:26 PM 8 hours ago, happyhorizons said: He’s just trying to manipulate you and grasp some semblance of control. He’s a clown and doesn’t deserve a moment of your attention. He really is manipulate and controlling generally. You seem to have grasped onto that quickly. I won't be contacting him again but I am still gutted. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 08:27 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 08:27 PM 4 hours ago, stillafool said: If you ended it with him what difference does it make why he's doing what he did? Just block him so you don't have this problem anymore. You are right - but I'm upset because more fool me I am still in love with him. Ughhh!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 08:30 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 08:30 PM 7 hours ago, BaileyB said: Because he wanted to get to you - and he did. This is not a man that you want in your life. When someone shows you who they are - believe them. You would be wise to leave this relationship on your rear view mirror… This has got to me! I still love him but also know that this relationship has sucked the life from me. Its all about what he wants and needs. And I've had enough...thanks for the reply Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 09:10 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 09:10 PM 43 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: No, it definitely wasn't his wife - this was his and his alone decision to upset me and hurt me the way only he would know how...so upset but definitely not going back. I've restricted him - building up to blocking with the help of a therapist. Also, he said in the same thread that he still loves us, he misses me, that he is still interested in me but he is stepping back (albeit reluctantly) from us with no more conversation. So no way did his wife prompt that thread. I'm gutted he would intentionally hurt me like this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted Monday at 09:46 PM Share Posted Monday at 09:46 PM 1 hour ago, Jane Grey said: You are right - but I'm upset because more fool me I am still in love with him. Ughhh!! Okay, but you also said you are done, so why leave a door open for him by not blocking him? It almost seems like you broke it off to get him to chase you because he didn't chose you instead of his wife and that was your way of punishing him instead of authentically wanting the affair to be over. I don't see how a therapist is going to help you block him when all it takes is a stoke of the key to do it. Has he ever told you he was going to divorce his wife and be with you? If he hasn't after 8 years he more than likely never will. Yes he will miss having 2 women fawning over him instead of 1, unless he picks up another affair partner. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted Monday at 09:52 PM Share Posted Monday at 09:52 PM 15 hours ago, Jane Grey said: 8 year on/off affair. Obviously, I was and am heartbroken. Putting this in context, my read on this would be that he's being manipulative and, recognizing you still have feelings for him, is trying to force you to feel distress at "losing him" in the hopes you end up coming back. Something like that. It's likely he hopes you'll come back so he doesn't lose you and go back to a marriage he's probably not overly happy with (while still being unwilling to leave). You say you're not getting much out of this anymore, so it's probably time to get firm about moving on so you can be with someone full time instead of "on the side". 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 10:00 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 10:00 PM Wow! That's it in a nutshell - he is extremely unhappy in his marriage. But will not leave. He does know I love him. He does know that what he said would cause me distress - I had said to him recently that I went through the last 2 months of our messages and that there was a huge amount of love and affection within them. So he knew where to kick me! He is manipulative and does manipulate my feelings. I am moving on but definitely with a sore/bruised heart! Thanks Mark for you insight! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 10:06 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 10:06 PM (edited) 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: Okay, but you also said you are done, so why leave a door open for him by not blocking him? It almost seems like you broke it off to get him to chase you because he didn't chose you instead of his wife and that was your way of punishing him instead of authentically wanting the affair to be over. I don't see how a therapist is going to help you block him when all it takes is a stoke of the key to do it. Has he ever told you he was going to divorce his wife and be with you? If he hasn't after 8 years he more than likely never will. Yes he will miss having 2 women fawning over him instead of 1, unless he picks up another affair partner. I really didn't want him chasing me. I was happy to leave it as it was and have no contact with him. I find it hard to block him because I still need to see his face (sad I know) I will block him but just not right now. I wish I could! No - he hasn't told me he will divorce his wife in fairness and I was accepting of that until now because I am getting older and want to move on. I know he will always choose his wife for various bad reasons but I'm under no illusions that he will ever leave her. And he does love attention - you are right there also, so indeed may pick up another affair partner, definitely possible... Everything you say is correct and I will get there but I'm just not there yet... Edited Monday at 10:07 PM by Jane Grey Mis-spelling Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 10:54 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 10:54 PM 53 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: Wow! That's it in a nutshell - he is extremely unhappy in his marriage. But will not leave. He does know I love him. He does know that what he said would cause me distress - I had said to him recently that I went through the last 2 months of our messages and that there was a huge amount of love and affection within them. So he knew where to kick me! He is manipulative and does manipulate my feelings. I am moving on but definitely with a sore/bruised heart! Thanks Mark for you insight! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted Monday at 10:57 PM Share Posted Monday at 10:57 PM (edited) 2 hours ago, Jane Grey said: I still love him but also know that this relationship has sucked the life from me. This is not love. A man who loves a woman does not hurt her in this way. You are still hanging on to some misguided notion that this guy loves you and that he will come back to tell you what a mistake he has made. You still have hope - if you didn’t, you would not be “rejected” and “gutted” when a man that you have already rejected reaches out and reminds you that he is a jerk! And how do we know he is a jerk - he has wasted eight years of your life… if he actually loved you, he would have told you that he has no intentions of leaving his marriage and told you to go and build a nice life for yourself eight years ago… Edited Monday at 11:03 PM by BaileyB 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Monday at 11:04 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 11:04 PM 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This is not love. A man who loves a woman does not hurt her in this way. You are still hanging on to some misguided notion that this guy loves you and that he will come back to tell you what a mistake he has made. You still have hope - if you didn’t, you would not be “rejected” and “gutted” when a man that you have already rejected reaches out and reminds you that he is a jerk! And how do we know he is a jerk - he has wasted eight years of your life… if he actually loved you, he would have told you that he has no intentions of leaving his marriage and told you to go and build a nice life for yourself eight years ago… You are right - he is a jerk! He has wasted my time. He doesn't love me at all, he loves himself. I am gutted and do feel rejected but it is mis-placed. Do I feel hope he will come back and tell me he has made a mistake? I hope he doesn't because today I don't think I'm strong enough to tell him where to go. But I am taking this one day at a time. Usually I have contacted him way before now to reconcile. I haven't contacted him once since we broke up. It was him and I still didn't ask him to come back. I feel this time I have no choice but to move on. He doesn't love me even if I love him so what's the point in us. I see that now! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted Tuesday at 03:36 AM Share Posted Tuesday at 03:36 AM (edited) 4 hours ago, Jane Grey said: He doesn't love me even if I love him so what's the point in us. If I may, you need to make the decision to love yourself more than you love this man. When you do, none of this will be a problem anymore… because you will want more for yourself than an unhealthy relationship with an unavailable man. Edited Tuesday at 03:38 AM by BaileyB 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted Tuesday at 04:11 AM Share Posted Tuesday at 04:11 AM (edited) 5 hours ago, Jane Grey said: I am gutted and do feel rejected but it is mis-placed. Do I feel hope he will come back and tell me he has made a mistake? Kindly, he didn't reject you. Yyou're the one who (sensibly) broke up with him. You stood up for yourself and refused to be second best. Yes, he had a hissy fit, but these things can happen when we reject someone. Given his behaviour, it makes me wonder if the reason he's unhappy with his marriage is because he's mean to her as well and she stands up to him Try to switch your feelings to that of being glad that you finally got rid of this dead weight Edited Tuesday at 04:12 AM by basil67 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Tuesday at 05:49 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 05:49 AM 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Kindly, he didn't reject you. Yyou're the one who (sensibly) broke up with him. You stood up for yourself and refused to be second best. Yes, he had a hissy fit, but these things can happen when we reject someone. Given his behaviour, it makes me wonder if the reason he's unhappy with his marriage is because he's mean to her as well and she stands up to him Try to switch your feelings to that of being glad that you finally got rid of this dead weight I have been thinking that this may be the case lately. She isn't intimate with him and now I'm guessing that this may be why. He is probably mean to her too. Thank you for that insight! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Tuesday at 05:50 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 05:50 AM 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: If I may, you need to make the decision to love yourself more than you love this man. When you do, none of this will be a problem anymore… because you will want more for yourself than an unhealthy relationship with an unavailable man. I am making that decision now! I am not going back! I do need to love me! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Tuesday at 06:28 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 06:28 AM 35 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I am making that decision now! I am not going back! I do need to love me! And the relationship was unhealthy - he was hot/cold, mean/nice. He always talked me around to his way of thinking and tbh - I knew I was being gaslit in the back of my mind and I accepted it. That's completely on me! I am embarrassed and ashamed right now.. 35 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I am making that decision now! I am not going back! I do need to love me! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted Tuesday at 06:29 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 06:29 AM 38 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I have been thinking that this may be the case lately. She isn't intimate with him and now I'm guessing that this may be why. He is probably mean to her too. Thank you for that insight! It was mean to me, he gaslit me and he manipulated my feelings. No wonder she doesn't like him. She is a stronger woman than I.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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