S2B Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 18 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I am seeing that now! I am seeing that he had me thinking that he is some kind of catch! When in fact I possibly lowered my standards for him...thinking about it! He’s not a catch at all! He’s a lying, cheating, self centered greedy man who takes more than he gives. A man who’s only capable of thinking about himself! that is NOT a man you should be interested in! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 Guys! You are opening my eyes to this man and this relationship. I look at photos of him and am now beginning to think what did/do I see in him. He gave back very little and I gave it everything. It is done! I will not 1 minute ago, S2B said: Are you seeing a professional therapist? I highly suggest seeing someone who can help you with your codependency and low self esteem. someone that can help you understand that the right man for you - will put you as his top priority! I am! And there is past trauma that we are working on. Also - we are working on putting him out of my life for good by blocking him...I want to put this behind me.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 1 minute ago, S2B said: He’s not a catch at all! He’s a lying, cheating, self centered greedy man who takes more than he gives. A man who’s only capable of thinking about himself! that is NOT a man you should be interested in! I fully agree! I am a smart, and attractive woman and he was very lucky to have me...I am seeing that now. I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in him still but definitely less interested Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 On 6/24/2024 at 10:14 AM, ExpatInItaly said: Eh, it was probably his wife that prompted it. My thought too. His latest texting was probably found out and then he had to twist the truth to make it seem like his ex AP was not leaving him alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 N 8 minutes ago, Will am I said: My thought too. His latest texting was probably found out and then he had to twist the truth to make it seem like his ex AP was not leaving him alone. No this was all him..within those texts he said he loved me/us - missed me! And that he is interested in me but cannot be interested because that's our lot! Then came the messages acting like I wa annoying him..I don't know why and I am shocked at the verocity of them. He either wants to make sure I never speak to him again or he us simply a clown, either is possible tbh! Either way I'm not contacting him to find out! Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 On 6/25/2024 at 1:29 AM, Jane Grey said: You are stronger than you realize. Just take a day at a time WIN each day by not having contact with him and soon you will be fully past this 🤡 clown Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: You are stronger than you realize. Just take a day at a time WIN each day by not having contact with him and soon you will be fully past this 🤡 clown I feel different today - I see him as he is. Is has always let me down and will continue to let me down if I let him back in. I have so many men to chose from and I stupidly fixated on this one. The one that doesn't want me but also doesn't want to let me go. But I'm gone this time! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: The one that doesn't want me but also doesn't want to let me go. I wouldn’t romanticize it. His email had everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. Edited June 26 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 (edited) 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I wouldn’t romanticize it. His email had everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. I'm not! I see this as controlling behaviour. He does like to be in control at all times now that I think of it..the message was something he needed to do for himself to regain control of the situation the only way he knew how. This has to be the case as it was so random and out of context to where we were. It made no sense to send it but yet he did...I even answered that I was so confused. Confusion was definitely a feature of our relationship for me...I have spent a lot of my time questioning myself, my reality and even my sanity... Edited June 26 by Jane Grey Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 2 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I'm not! I see this as controlling behaviour. He does like to be in control at all times now that I think of it..the message was something he needed to do for himself to regain control of the situation the only way he knew how. This has to be the case as it was so random and out of context to where we were. It made no sense to send it but yet he did.. “Controlling behavior” is exactly what he is about and will continue to be so. So, it’s time to take up some of these other wonderful opportunities you have available (other men). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 10 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: “Controlling behavior” is exactly what he is about and will continue to be so. So, it’s time to take up some of these other wonderful opportunities you have available (other men). I have let him control me - if he was off with me then my day was off. If he was happy, so was I - if not then I was not. I chased him trying to make him happy. I didn't this time. I left because I was chasing a man that didn't want me. I'm not going to bother with other men right now. I'm not in the right head space and I also don't want to hurt someone else just because I am hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 8 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I have let him control me - if he was off with me then my day was off. If he was happy, so was I - if not then I was not. I chased him trying to make him happy. I didn't this time. I left because I was chasing a man that didn't want me. I'm not going to bother with other men right now. I'm not in the right head space and I also don't want to hurt someone else just because I am hurt. That’s the right perspective and thankfully you have recognized how “warped” this relationship was/is. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 It’s the push/pull in affairs that keeps the affair partner off balance = and trying harder to get him back. he knows YOU try harder when he pulls back. in the meantime he has double helpings (two people meeting all of his needs) while you barely have crumbs. Do you see how selfish and self centered he must be to continue having you in such a vulnerable position? any man who gets everything from two women isn’t likely to go back to just one woman meeting half or 2/3 of his needs. He will find your replacement and continue the charade with his wife. He will just find a new, willing affair partner. Somehow they know how to sniff out the willing women as candidates. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 49 minutes ago, S2B said: It’s the push/pull in affairs that keeps the affair partner off balance = and trying harder to get him back. he knows YOU try harder when he pulls back. in the meantime he has double helpings (two people meeting all of his needs) while you barely have crumbs. Do you see how selfish and self centered he must be to continue having you in such a vulnerable position? any man who gets everything from two women isn’t likely to go back to just one woman meeting half or 2/3 of his needs. He will find your replacement and continue the charade with his wife. He will just find a new, willing affair partner. Somehow they know how to sniff out the willing women as candidates. Tbh - I recognise this in our affair buy chose to ignore it! I'm ashamed and embarrassed - he is likely to replace me. That makes me feel sad and stupid but that is the reality and I already have my suspicions..thank you for this Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 (edited) I'm not sure I'd discount your feelings for this guy as "not love" after 8 years. After all, people can and do "love someone from afar". That said, it's pretty clear it's not a love that's being reciprocated well and fairly back to you by this guy. Which leads you to where you are now... Edited June 26 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 (edited) 12 hours ago, S2B said: He’s not a catch at all! He’s a lying, cheating, self centered greedy man who takes more than he gives. A man who’s only capable of thinking about himself! that is NOT a man you should be interested in! 3 hours ago, S2B said: Somehow they know how to sniff out the willing women as candidates. I don't think you're going to like what I suspect is the answer to this conundrum, which is that for many (not all) women being willing to cheat IS an attractive quality in a man. Mostly when combined with other, more positive traits such as being attractive, having wealth/an established place in society, and being willing to pay attention/make romantic overtures to the woman. No one bats an eye when the Jeff Bezos's and Elon Musks (and even the Bill Gates') of society turn out to be philanderers. I think that, for better or worse, it's an "alpha trait" that resonates with a certain % of women, and this probably goes back to our evolutionary heritage. A cheater "plays by their own rules" to a certain extent, and I think that appeals to some women. Edited June 26 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 16 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I don't think you're going to like what I suspect is the answer to this conundrum, which is that for many (not all) women being willing to cheat IS an attractive quality in a man. Mostly when combined with other, more positive traits such as being attractive, having wealth/an established place in society, and being willing to pay attention/make romantic overtures to the woman. No one bats an eye when the Jeff Bezos's and Elon Musks (and even the Bill Gates') of society turn out to be philanderers. I think that, for better or worse, it's an "alpha trait" that resonates with a certain % of women, and this probably goes back to our evolutionary heritage. A cheater "plays by their own rules" to a certain extent, and I think that appeals to some women. In my case I grew up with this man and we nearly got together as teenagers. It didn't happen because of a misunderstanding and he left for another continent. He came back 20 years later with a wife and 2 children and we clicked. He chased me and I fell for him. I'm not sure if him being married was a positive factor for me. He actually isn't physically attractive tbh but I am attracted to him. He is smart, funny, charismatic and likes attention but I definitely would be the more attractive of us but a whole lot quieter and reserved. He likes to be seen in the community helping, volunteering yada,yada and yet today I am considering that he has emotionally abused me...so sure maybe some women want a married man. I just wanted him for reasons I'm still not exactly sure of... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 26 Author Share Posted June 26 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: I'm not sure I'd discount your feelings for this guy as "not love" after 8 years. After all, people can and do "love someone from afar". That said, it's pretty clear it's not a love that's being reciprocated well and fairly back to you by this guy. Which leads you to where you are now... Thanks Mark for your thoughts on my issue. I appreciate it and I agree I love him but he doesn't love me fully or even partially maybe! Who knows at this point but his actions speak loudly... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 2 hours ago, Jane Grey said: Thanks Mark for your thoughts on my issue. I appreciate it and I agree I love him but he doesn't love me fully or even partially maybe! Who knows at this point but his actions speak loudly... The actions MOST ALWAYS speak louder than words. JG, you have better days and men ahead. Think positively and enjoy you new adventures. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27 Share Posted June 27 (edited) On 6/26/2024 at 1:59 AM, Jane Grey said: I am a smart, and attractive woman and he was very lucky to have me...I am seeing that now. It wasn’t your married man who failed to see your value - it was you. When you know your own value, you don’t choose an unhealthy relationship for yourself. Edited June 27 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 27 Author Share Posted June 27 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: It wasn’t your married man who failed to see your value - it was you. When you know your own value, you don’t choose an unhealthy relationship for yourself. Absolutely correct! I struggle to see my value ! Still do but I am working on it.. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 27 Author Share Posted June 27 (edited) On 6/24/2024 at 7:40 AM, Jane Grey said: I ended our affair 2 weeks ago quite amiably. We both agreed to the breakup. He wasn't leaving his wife and I was unhappy with that so I decided to finally end the 8 year on/off affair. Obviously, I was and am heartbroken. 2 days ago he messaged just to say Hi! I engaged in a conversation which he barely took part in. He said his wife was around so I said fine - talk later. Later he messaged and acted like it was me texting him, annoying him..he then emotionally assaulted me, told me he was deleting our old conversations, and was never,ever talking to me again. He proceeded to end our already finished relationship. I had posted photos of me at a concert, really enjoying myself the night before the message. Would this prompt such a visceral reaction? Why would he do this!? I am heartbroken!! So a quick update - before we broke up I had said to him that I look for him online (active status) to make sure he is safe and well every day, even if we dont speak. Yesterday he turned of his active status to me so I couldn't see him. He knew it meant a lot to me to see him and know he is well. He has intentionally done this to hurt me and I guess he probably has done me a favour. All he is doing is post, post,post photos of his happy family - Still feel rubbish today though! Edited June 27 by Jane Grey Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 27 Share Posted June 27 You shouldn’t be checking on his online status. Breaking up is also: letting go. Maybe it’s the hardest part, expecially when you truly care about your AP. I know I struggled with this too. I believe that what he did was intended to put you in a place or insecurity and it was narcissistic and manipulative. But you don’t control his actions. You control your own actions. Which is to ditch the habit of checking in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Grey Posted June 27 Author Share Posted June 27 43 minutes ago, Will am I said: You shouldn’t be checking on his online status. Breaking up is also: letting go. Maybe it’s the hardest part, expecially when you truly care about your AP. I know I struggled with this too. I believe that what he did was intended to put you in a place or insecurity and it was narcissistic and manipulative. But you don’t control his actions. You control your own actions. Which is to ditch the habit of checking in. I agree - and now I guess I cannot check in! It was a habit, you are right. A good habit when things were good, but not anymore - I see that! So I do think that it manipulative and intended to make me feel insecure and sad, he may have just did me the biggest favour... Thank you for your kindness and not making me feel like an idiot - which I firmly believe I am.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 27 Share Posted June 27 3 hours ago, Jane Grey said: So a quick update - before we broke up I had said to him that I look for him online (active status) to make sure he is safe and well every day, even if we dont speak. Yesterday he turned of his active status to me so I couldn't see him. He knew it meant a lot to me to see him and know he is well. He has intentionally done this to hurt me and I guess he probably has done me a favour. All he is doing is post, post,post photos of his happy family - Still feel rubbish today though! Maybe he's done it to be through with this affair as you requested. You were the one to break it off - Remember? No longer letting you snoop on his life is what he should be doing. That will help you get over him faster by not seeing what he's up to. Get involved in other things to take your mind off him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts