Rejected

[Jane Grey]

49 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s the push/pull in affairs that keeps the affair partner off balance = and trying harder to get him back. 

he knows YOU try harder when he pulls back.

in the meantime he has double helpings (two people meeting all of his needs) while you barely have crumbs. Do you see how selfish and self centered he must be to continue having you in such a vulnerable position? 

any man who gets everything from two women isn’t likely to go back to just one woman meeting half or 2/3 of his needs. He will find your replacement and continue the charade with his wife. He will just find a new, willing affair partner. Somehow they know how to sniff out the willing women as candidates.

Tbh - I recognise this in our affair buy chose to ignore it! I'm ashamed and embarrassed  - he is likely to replace me. That makes me feel sad and stupid but that is the reality and I already have my suspicions..thank you for this

[mark clemson]

I'm not sure I'd discount your feelings for this guy as "not love" after 8 years. After all, people can and do "love someone from afar". That said, it's pretty clear it's not a love that's being reciprocated well and fairly back to you by this guy. Which leads you to where you are now...

Edited June 26, 2024 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

He’s not a catch at all! He’s a lying, cheating, self centered greedy man who takes more than he gives. A man who’s only capable of thinking about himself!

that is NOT a man you should be interested in! 

 

3 hours ago, S2B said:

Somehow they know how to sniff out the willing women as candidates.

I don't think you're going to like what I suspect is the answer to this conundrum, which is that for many (not all) women being willing to cheat IS an attractive quality in a man. Mostly when combined with other, more positive traits such as being attractive, having wealth/an established place in society, and being willing to pay attention/make romantic overtures to the woman.

No one bats an eye when the Jeff Bezos's and Elon Musks (and even the Bill Gates') of society turn out to be philanderers. I think that, for better or worse, it's an "alpha trait" that resonates with a certain % of women,  and this probably goes back to our evolutionary heritage. A cheater "plays by their own rules" to a certain extent, and I think that appeals to some women.

Edited June 26, 2024 by mark clemson

[Jane Grey]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

I don't think you're going to like what I suspect is the answer to this conundrum, which is that for many (not all) women being willing to cheat IS an attractive quality in a man. Mostly when combined with other, more positive traits such as being attractive, having wealth/an established place in society, and being willing to pay attention/make romantic overtures to the woman.

No one bats an eye when the Jeff Bezos's and Elon Musks (and even the Bill Gates') of society turn out to be philanderers. I think that, for better or worse, it's an "alpha trait" that resonates with a certain % of women,  and this probably goes back to our evolutionary heritage. A cheater "plays by their own rules" to a certain extent, and I think that appeals to some women.

In my case I grew up with this man and we nearly got together as teenagers. It didn't happen because of a misunderstanding and he left for another continent. He came back 20 years later with a wife and 2 children and we clicked. He chased me and I fell for him. I'm not sure if him being married was a positive factor for me. 

He actually isn't physically attractive tbh but I am attracted to him. He is smart, funny, charismatic and likes attention but I definitely would be the more attractive of us but a whole lot quieter and reserved.  

He likes to be seen in the community helping, volunteering yada,yada and yet today I am considering that he has emotionally abused me...so sure maybe some women want a married man. I just wanted him for reasons I'm still not exactly sure of...

 

[Jane Grey]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure I'd discount your feelings for this guy as "not love" after 8 years. After all, people can and do "love someone from afar". That said, it's pretty clear it's not a love that's being reciprocated well and fairly back to you by this guy. Which leads you to where you are now...

Thanks Mark for your thoughts on my issue. I appreciate it and I agree I love him but he doesn't love me fully or even partially maybe! Who knows at this point but his actions speak loudly...

[BaileyB]

On 6/26/2024 at 1:59 AM, Jane Grey said:

I am a smart, and attractive woman and he was very lucky to have me...I am seeing that now.

It wasn’t your married man who failed to see your value - it was you. 

When you know your own value, you don’t choose an unhealthy relationship for yourself. 

Edited June 27, 2024 by BaileyB

[Jane Grey]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

It wasn’t your married man who failed to see your value - it was you. 

When you know your own value, you don’t choose an unhealthy relationship for yourself. 

Absolutely correct! I struggle to see my value ! Still do but I am working on it..

[Jane Grey]

On 6/24/2024 at 7:40 AM, Jane Grey said:

I ended our affair 2 weeks ago quite amiably. We both agreed to the breakup. He wasn't leaving his wife and I was unhappy with that so I decided to finally end the 8 year on/off affair. Obviously,  I was and am heartbroken. 

2 days ago he messaged just to say Hi! I engaged in a conversation which he barely took part in. He said his wife was around so I said fine - talk later.

Later he messaged and acted like it was me texting him, annoying him..he then emotionally assaulted me, told me he was deleting our old conversations, and was never,ever talking to me again. He proceeded to end our already finished relationship. 

I had posted photos of me at a concert,  really enjoying myself the night before the message. Would this prompt such a visceral reaction?

Why would he do this!? 

I am heartbroken!! 

So a quick update - before we broke up I had said to him that I look for him online (active status) to make sure he is safe and well every day, even if we dont speak. Yesterday he turned of his active status to me so I couldn't see him. He knew it meant a lot to me to see him and know he is well. 

He has intentionally done this to hurt me and I guess he probably has done me a favour. All he is doing is post, post,post photos of his happy family -  Still feel rubbish today though! 

Edited June 27, 2024 by Jane Grey
Spelling

[Will am I]

You shouldn’t be checking on his online status. Breaking up is also: letting go. Maybe it’s the hardest part, expecially when you truly care about your AP. I know I struggled with this too.

 

I believe that what he did was intended to put you in a place or insecurity and it was narcissistic and manipulative. 

 

But you don’t control his actions. You control your own actions. Which is to ditch the habit of checking in.

[Jane Grey]

43 minutes ago, Will am I said:

You shouldn’t be checking on his online status. Breaking up is also: letting go. Maybe it’s the hardest part, expecially when you truly care about your AP. I know I struggled with this too.

 

I believe that what he did was intended to put you in a place or insecurity and it was narcissistic and manipulative. 

 

But you don’t control his actions. You control your own actions. Which is to ditch the habit of checking in.

I agree - and now I guess I cannot check in!

It was a habit, you are right. A good habit when things were good,  but not anymore - I see that! 

So I do think that it manipulative and intended to make me feel insecure and sad, he may have just did me the biggest favour...

Thank you for your kindness and not making me feel like an idiot - which I firmly believe I am.. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

So a quick update - before we broke up I had said to him that I look for him online (active status) to make sure he is safe and well every day, even if we dont speak. Yesterday he turned of his active status to me so I couldn't see him. He knew it meant a lot to me to see him and know he is well. 

He has intentionally done this to hurt me and I guess he probably has done me a favour. All he is doing is post, post,post photos of his happy family -  Still feel rubbish today though! 

Maybe he's done it to be through with this affair as you requested.  You were the one to break it off - Remember?  No longer letting you snoop on his life is what he should be doing.  That will help you get over him faster by not seeing what he's up to.  Get involved in other things to take your mind off him.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

I guess he probably has done me a favour.

This is very true. 

He knows that he still gets to you because you tell him what to do to upset you! I mean, he doesn’t even have to think up the ways himself… you basically tell him exactly how to push your buttons and then you are SHOCKED!! when he does it. 

It’s time to let this go… how can you ever begin to walk forward when you are constantly looking behind you…

[Gebidozo]

On 6/27/2024 at 3:22 AM, mark clemson said:

for many (not all) women being willing to cheat IS an attractive quality in a man.

Definitely not. Speaking as a former cheater myself, I can only say that cheating kills off attraction in the partner who is being cheated on, and sows the seeds of mistrust in the partner who is being cheated with.

I think you might be seeing causation where there is just some correlation. Some cheaters do have those attractive traits you described, specifically passionate nature, willingness to woo a woman, and a romantic (however misguided) mindset. But if such a man does not cheat, he’ll become even more desirable. 

 

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Maybe he's done it to be through with this affair as you requested.  You were the one to break it off - Remember?  No longer letting you snoop on his life is what he should be doing.  That will help you get over him faster by not seeing what he's up to.  Get involved in other things to take your mind off him.

That's all true! Completely right ✅️ 

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is very true. 

He knows that he still gets to you because you tell him what to do to upset you! I mean, he doesn’t even have to think up the ways himself… you basically tell him exactly how to push your buttons and then you are SHOCKED!! when he does it. 

It’s time to let this go… how can you ever begin to walk forward when you are constantly looking behind you…

Yes - I have already said that he uses the information given to him by myself against me. I feel better about this today so putting him behind me.

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You are so much better off without him. You will look back and realize this clown 🤡 was not worth your time and energy 

I'm getting there!!!

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

Thank you for your kindness and not making me feel like an idiot - which I firmly believe I am.. 

You are not an idiot.

 

You just fell in love with the wrong person.

If you want to blame yourself, you may state that you had your guards down when you met your AP, and you were responsible to keep those guards up in that situation.

Does that make an idiot? I don’t think so. 

[Jane Grey]

Just now, Will am I said:

You are not an idiot.

 

You just fell in love with the wrong person.

If you want to blame yourself, you may state that you had your guards down when you met your AP, and you were responsible to keep those guards up in that situation.

Does that make an idiot? I don’t think so. 

He did dis-arm me when he first contacted me. I never thought I'd be attracted to him so I let him in...it all started with a message and laughs ...as do most affairs

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Definitely not. Speaking as a former cheater myself, I can only say that cheating kills off attraction in the partner who is being cheated on, and sows the seeds of mistrust in the partner who is being cheated with.

I think you might be seeing causation where there is just some correlation. Some cheaters do have those attractive traits you described, specifically passionate nature, willingness to woo a woman, and a romantic (however misguided) mindset. But if such a man does not cheat, he’ll become even more desirable. 

 

I agree - I absolutely didn't trust my AP. I always thought that he was hitting on other women. (with very little proof or causation) except when I asked him did he chat to any other women, he did name a female friend who he glorified but swore that they were just friends. So maybe I did have some cause...maybe not..I'm not sure..I don't know my own mind anymore 

[Jane Grey]

7 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You are so much better off without him. You will look back and realize this clown 🤡 was not worth your time and energy 

We have ended before for a long period of time and I became indifferent to him and did see that he was quite unattractive and a clown but again, I let him back in slowly.  He always comes back! 

[Jane Grey]

1 hour ago, Jane Grey said:

That's all true! Completely right ✅️ I guess I'm forgetting this is what I asked for. But my first question was about why he'd come back one week after it ended to emotionally attack me. That was my question! I guess this does help in moving forward..

 

[Jane Grey]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is very true. 

He knows that he still gets to you because you tell him what to do to upset you! I mean, he doesn’t even have to think up the ways himself… you basically tell him exactly how to push your buttons and then you are SHOCKED!! when he does it. 

It’s time to let this go… how can you ever begin to walk forward when you are constantly looking behind you…

I guess you don't expect that those who you think love you will use your own thoughts against you! 

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, Jane Grey said:

I guess you don't expect that those who you think love you will use your own thoughts against you! 

Respectfully, you're talking about a guy who's been cheating on his wife for 8 years.  He's hardly the poster boy for acting morally

[Jane Grey]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Respectfully, you're talking about a guy who's been cheating on his wife for 8 years.  He's hardly the poster boy for acting morally

Hahaha! So true!!! I'm happy I'm beginning to see the ridiculous side of this situation that I got myself into..

[Alpacalia]

I get that trashing this guy is par for the course but in the future you need to take some responsibility for the fact that he did not want a romantic relationship with you and you willingly engaged in an affair with a taken man who has a wife.

You knew what this was from the start and you chose to engage in it anyway. You both made a decision to end it, which is great and you should be proud of yourself for finally doing the right thing.