Rejected

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

I guess he probably has done me a favour.

This is very true. 

He knows that he still gets to you because you tell him what to do to upset you! I mean, he doesn’t even have to think up the ways himself… you basically tell him exactly how to push your buttons and then you are SHOCKED!! when he does it. 

It’s time to let this go… how can you ever begin to walk forward when you are constantly looking behind you…

[happyhorizons]

4 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

So a quick update - before we broke up I had said to him that I look for him online (active status) to make sure he is safe and well every day, even if we dont speak. Yesterday he turned of his active status to me so I couldn't see him. He knew it meant a lot to me to see him and know he is well. 

He has intentionally done this to hurt me and I guess he probably has done me a favour. All he is doing is post, post,post photos of his happy family -  Still feel rubbish today though! 

You are so much better off without him. You will look back and realize this clown 🤡 was not worth your time and energy 

[Gebidozo]

On 6/27/2024 at 3:22 AM, mark clemson said:

for many (not all) women being willing to cheat IS an attractive quality in a man.

Definitely not. Speaking as a former cheater myself, I can only say that cheating kills off attraction in the partner who is being cheated on, and sows the seeds of mistrust in the partner who is being cheated with.

I think you might be seeing causation where there is just some correlation. Some cheaters do have those attractive traits you described, specifically passionate nature, willingness to woo a woman, and a romantic (however misguided) mindset. But if such a man does not cheat, he’ll become even more desirable. 

 

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Maybe he's done it to be through with this affair as you requested.  You were the one to break it off - Remember?  No longer letting you snoop on his life is what he should be doing.  That will help you get over him faster by not seeing what he's up to.  Get involved in other things to take your mind off him.

That's all true! Completely right ✅️ 

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is very true. 

He knows that he still gets to you because you tell him what to do to upset you! I mean, he doesn’t even have to think up the ways himself… you basically tell him exactly how to push your buttons and then you are SHOCKED!! when he does it. 

It’s time to let this go… how can you ever begin to walk forward when you are constantly looking behind you…

Yes - I have already said that he uses the information given to him by myself against me. I feel better about this today so putting him behind me.

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You are so much better off without him. You will look back and realize this clown 🤡 was not worth your time and energy 

I'm getting there!!!

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

Thank you for your kindness and not making me feel like an idiot - which I firmly believe I am.. 

You are not an idiot.

 

You just fell in love with the wrong person.

If you want to blame yourself, you may state that you had your guards down when you met your AP, and you were responsible to keep those guards up in that situation.

Does that make an idiot? I don’t think so. 

[Jane Grey]

Just now, Will am I said:

You are not an idiot.

 

You just fell in love with the wrong person.

If you want to blame yourself, you may state that you had your guards down when you met your AP, and you were responsible to keep those guards up in that situation.

Does that make an idiot? I don’t think so. 

He did dis-arm me when he first contacted me. I never thought I'd be attracted to him so I let him in...it all started with a message and laughs ...as do most affairs

[Jane Grey]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Definitely not. Speaking as a former cheater myself, I can only say that cheating kills off attraction in the partner who is being cheated on, and sows the seeds of mistrust in the partner who is being cheated with.

I think you might be seeing causation where there is just some correlation. Some cheaters do have those attractive traits you described, specifically passionate nature, willingness to woo a woman, and a romantic (however misguided) mindset. But if such a man does not cheat, he’ll become even more desirable. 

 

I agree - I absolutely didn't trust my AP. I always thought that he was hitting on other women. (with very little proof or causation) except when I asked him did he chat to any other women, he did name a female friend who he glorified but swore that they were just friends. So maybe I did have some cause...maybe not..I'm not sure..I don't know my own mind anymore 

[Jane Grey]

7 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You are so much better off without him. You will look back and realize this clown 🤡 was not worth your time and energy 

We have ended before for a long period of time and I became indifferent to him and did see that he was quite unattractive and a clown but again, I let him back in slowly.  He always comes back! 

[Jane Grey]

1 hour ago, Jane Grey said:

That's all true! Completely right ✅️ I guess I'm forgetting this is what I asked for. But my first question was about why he'd come back one week after it ended to emotionally attack me. That was my question! I guess this does help in moving forward..

 

[Jane Grey]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is very true. 

He knows that he still gets to you because you tell him what to do to upset you! I mean, he doesn’t even have to think up the ways himself… you basically tell him exactly how to push your buttons and then you are SHOCKED!! when he does it. 

It’s time to let this go… how can you ever begin to walk forward when you are constantly looking behind you…

I guess you don't expect that those who you think love you will use your own thoughts against you! 

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, Jane Grey said:

I guess you don't expect that those who you think love you will use your own thoughts against you! 

Respectfully, you're talking about a guy who's been cheating on his wife for 8 years.  He's hardly the poster boy for acting morally

[Jane Grey]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Respectfully, you're talking about a guy who's been cheating on his wife for 8 years.  He's hardly the poster boy for acting morally

Hahaha! So true!!! I'm happy I'm beginning to see the ridiculous side of this situation that I got myself into..

[happyhorizons]

6 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

I'm getting there!!!

And you will continue TO GET THERE. Hopefully, you will meet a wonderful guy who is worth your time.

[Alpacalia]

I get that trashing this guy is par for the course but in the future you need to take some responsibility for the fact that he did not want a romantic relationship with you and you willingly engaged in an affair with a taken man who has a wife.

You knew what this was from the start and you chose to engage in it anyway. You both made a decision to end it, which is great and you should be proud of yourself for finally doing the right thing.

[Jane Grey]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I get that trashing this guy is par for the course but in the future you need to take some responsibility for the fact that he did not want a romantic relationship with you and you willingly engaged in an affair with a taken man who has a wife.

You knew what this was from the start and you chose to engage in it anyway. You both made a decision to end it, which is great and you should be proud of yourself for finally doing the right thing.

I don't think I'm thrashing him - I love him. He has many qualities that make me love him. I just stated what happened last week and I guess it snowballed from there. I still love him and I don't see that changing ever right now. But it is clear that he doesn't feel the same way or at least to the same level.

I loved him enough to ask him to stay with me and we could make it work. We broke up on good terms and then he returned the following week and emotionally attacked me from every angle he knew how to do (he knows me well) that's where I take up issue! Why did he do that...it was an awful thing to do and I was already hurting hugely. 

Again - I cannot reiterate enough that I love this and would have moved mountains to be with him..

I would never take up with another married man again. Rest assured! 

[Jane Grey]

1 hour ago, Jane Grey said:

I don't think I'm thrashing him - I love him. He has many qualities that make me love him. I just stated what happened last week and I guess it snowballed from there. He most definitely wanted a romantic relationship with me. We did have huge loving feelings for each other. I still love him and I miss him and I don't see that changing ever right now. But it is clear that he doesn't feel the same way or at least to the same level.

I loved him enough to ask him to stay with me and we could make it work. We broke up on good terms and then he returned the following week and emotionally attacked me from every angle he knew how to do (he knows me well) that's where I take up issue! Why did he do that...it was an awful thing to do and I was already hurting hugely. 

Again - I cannot reiterate enough that I love this and would have moved mountains to be with him..

I would never take up with another married man again. Rest assured! 

 

[happyhorizons]

Just now, Jane Grey said:

 

The sad part is that the feelings were not mutual (the moving the mountains part). JG, this deal is behind you and the future is bright ☀️

[Jane Grey]

8 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

The sad part is that the feelings were not mutual (the moving the mountains part). JG, this deal is behind you and the future is bright ☀️

Exactly that's! 😪 sorry - I'm feeling it hard today! 😔 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

I guess you don't expect that those who you think love you will use your own thoughts against you! 

 

7 hours ago, Jane Grey said:

I absolutely didn't trust my AP.

I’m sorry, but you have got to be a better judge of character than this. 

You know the man is cheating on his wife, you didn’t trust him and suspected that he was flirting with other women than you (his affair partner), and then you say - but I trusted him not to hurt me. I trusted him not to take what I said and use it to hurt me. This man who is pursuing his own agenda, lying and cheating as it suits him to do… 

There is some personal responsibility here. It always astounds me when people expect strong ethics from a man who is acting unethically. In other words, a woman expects to be treated with respect and consideration by a man who is behaving in a disrespectful, inconsiderate, and hurtful way toward the women (plural) in his life. 

The bottom line - stop giving the supply that he is looking for to hurt you. Don’t tell him that his text confuses you. Don't tell him that you like to check up on him online to be sure that he is ok… he has proven himself to be capable of using this information to hurt you. This is exactly what he wants - so protect yourself and stop the supply. 

[Jane Grey]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

I’m sorry, but you have got to be a better judge of character than this. 

You know the man is cheating on his wife, you didn’t trust him and suspected that he was flirting with other women than you (his affair partner), and then you say - but I trusted him not to hurt me. I trusted him not to take what I said and use it to hurt me. This man who is pursuing his own agenda, lying and cheating as it suits him to do… 

There is some personal responsibility here. It always astounds me when people expect strong ethics from a man who is acting unethically. In other words, a woman expects to be treated with respect and consideration by a man who is behaving in a disrespectful, inconsiderate, and hurtful way toward the women (plural) in his life. 

The bottom line - stop giving the supply that he is looking for to hurt you. Don’t tell him that his text confuses you. Don't tell him that you like to check up on him online to be sure that he is ok… he has proven himself to be capable of using this information to hurt you. This is exactly what he wants - so protect yourself and stop the supply. 

I love your candour! We are done! There will be no more supply..

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jane Grey said:

I love him. He has many qualities that make me love him. I still love him and I don't see that changing ever. I loved him enough to ask him to stay. I cannot reiterate enough that I love this and would have moved mountains to be with him..

I don’t know that you heard what Alpacalia said - she said, you need to understand that it was very unwise for you to make the decision to pursue a relationship with a man who was not available to you.

I would suggest that you did not really hear what she said because you replied with five statements that said - “but I love this man. I would have moved mountains to be with him. I love him and I don’t see that ever changing…”

Please read Alpacalia’s statement again - 
 

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You need to take some responsibility for the fact that he did not want a romantic relationship with you and you willingly engaged in an affair with a taken man who has a wife.

The most appropriate response to that statement is what you said at the end of your post - I made a poor decision. I see that now. Take the “feelings” out of it - It was very unwise for me to think that I could pursue a relationship with this man because he was never available to be in the kind of relationship that I wanted. Full stop. 
 

1 hour ago, Jane Grey said:

when he returned the following week and emotionally attacked me from every angle he knew how to do (he knows me well) that's where I take up issue! Why did he do that...

Again, I’m going to blunt here - 

You “take up issue” but continue to say, I love him, I can’t block him, I still want to follow him online… I think we all agree, this is not a good man and this is not a healthy relationship for you. The most appropriate response to the fact that he has “emotionally attacked” you is to say - this man is gone from my life, whatever feelings I may have had for him are done, I refuse to engage with him anymore or let him hurt me again. 

You have done this is half measure. You have ended the relationship and you say that you will not go back, but you still need your supply - you want to follow him online, you want to talk about/understand why he would do this, you continue to hold onto your feelings…

I would kindly suggest that this is a great topic of discussion with your counsellor. You need to firm up your boundaries and develop better instincts of self protection. You are relying on this man who has lied and hurt you to protect you and treat you with kindness and that is a real error in judgment. If you aren’t going to protect your own heart, you shouldn’t expect anyone else to do so…

Edited Friday at 02:50 PM by BaileyB

[Jane Grey]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t know that you heard what Alpacalia said - she said, you need to understand that it was very unwise for you to make the decision to pursue a relationship with a man who was not available to you.

I would suggest that you did not really hear what she said because you replied with five statements that said - “but I love this man. I would have moved mountains to be with him. I love him and I don’t see that ever changing…”

Please read Alpacalia’s statement again - 
 

The most appropriate response to that statement is what you said at the end of your post - I made a poor decision. I see that now. Take the “feelings” out of it - It was very unwise for me to think that I could pursue a relationship with this man because he was never available to be in the kind of relationship that I wanted. Full stop. 
 

Again, I’m going to blunt here - 

You “take up issue” but continue to say, I love him, I can’t block him, I still want to follow him online… I think we all agree, this is not a good man and this is not a healthy relationship for you. The most appropriate response to the fact that he has “emotionally attacked” you is to say - this man is gone from my life, whatever feelings I may have had for him are done, I refuse to engage with him anymore or let him hurt me again. 

You have done this is half measure. You have ended the relationship and you say that you will not go back, but you still need your supply - you want to follow him online, you want to talk about/understand why he would do this, you continue to hold onto your feelings…

I would kindly suggest that this is a great topic of discussion with your counsellor. You need to firm up your boundaries and develop better instincts of self protection. You are relying on this man who has lied and hurt you to protect you and treat you with kindness and that is a real error in judgment. If you aren’t going to protect your own heart, you shouldn’t expect anyone else to do so…

Absolutely correct 💯! I am going to re-read this later when I'm home from work and really dig into what you have said. I will read and re-read! Thank you!!

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You knew what this was from the start and you chose to engage in it anyway.

This is the bottom line and your refusal to block all avenues to him under the guise of "I still love him and need to see his face" and that you are hurt that he's blocked you from seeing what is going on in his life says you will still get back involved with him if he wants to.