How do you spend your time when visiting a LDR partner?

[lovesfool]

I am in a long distance relationship for the past 6 months. In that period we have seen each other maybe 5 times which I consider to be pretty good considering the distance. On these trips we both take turns visiting and stay for a week. We both take some days off and go sightseeing and get to experience each of our city's. We also work remotely some of the days.

It's all very nice and it's great seeing each other, but I'm worried it's not a real reflection of dating. You get the highs of it being like a vacation where we are experiencing new things in a different country as well as neither of us partaking in our usual weekly routine.

In your opinion, what's the best way to spend the time together? I feel like we don't truly get to experience what it's like to date one another in a normal setting. It's usually 5 or 6 weeks of where we don't see each other and then a week of where we both effectively live together and see each other almost 24/7.

I am a bit of an independent woman and the week where we are spending lots of intimate time together is great for the most part, but some times I feel like I need my own space. But to ask for alone time while both of us have made the long journey and effort to see each other seems a bit counterintuitive. The last time he visited I shamefully felt a small bit of relief when he left as I was able to recharge my social battery. I got to read a book, listen to podcasts, exercise and listen to music, do some chores, all of which I couldn't do when we were together out of guilt.

It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with him but if I was dating someone in my own city I would feel I also need some alone time. When we're together I feel like we always have to be "on" and we have to entertain each other to make the most of the time. How do you manage this when you're in a long distance relationship? Do you just accept that this is how it is until one of us moves country to live with the other or do you try and reflect a "normal" dating experience in some capacity?

[basil67]

I'm not in a LDR, but it doesn't take much imagination to get an idea of what you are feeling and what your needs are.  Even with someone I adore - the whole time together would do my head in. 😮  You have my sympathies!   

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask for some 'me time'.  Something along the lines of "I dearly love spending time with you, but I also need a break and some 'me time' just like we would have if we were living close to each other.  I hope you don't mind if I take a bit of time out here and there to do (whatever).   

How long is the travel time?   I'm wondering about shorter, but more frequent visits.  What are the plans for closing the gap should things work out?

[Gebidozo]

The amount of time you spend with your SO varies significantly from person to person. 

It’s absolutely understandable that you need some alone time, even when meeting while in a LDR. Being together 24/7 can be incredibly exhausting, especially when the relationship is intense.

Just explain to your partner that you love him and love spending time with him, but you do need some space from time to time.

[lovesfool]

Thanks for your replies. It's good to know that I'm not alone in thinking this! I was worried that it would seem like I don't enjoy spending time with him, which is not the case at all.

The travel time is 8 hours each way so it's a big commitment to make these trips and it's why I would feel guilty if we didn't maximise our time together.

We have been able to do a small amount of "alone time" in the way that we both go to our workplace on the days we are working. Despite this, it's not really alone time as we are working with colleagues etc.

We typically spend 8 or 9 days for each visit and three of these days are us working apart. So around 90% of the total time (or maybe 80% of waking hours) we are together!

Maybe I'm worried about hurting him if I say "I know you've travelled half-way around the world, but I'd like to do something without you"!

[Gebidozo]

45 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe I'm worried about hurting him if I say "I know you've travelled half-way around the world, but I'd like to do something without you"!

If he loves you, he will understand and respect your needs.

Try to explain that to him as gently as you can, and keep reminding him that you love him and your need for space has nothing to do with your feelings for him.

 

[lovesfool]

I wish I could say that I love him, but I'm not there yet. I do think he loves me though which may be part of my fear - he is intense in his affection and tries to maximise his time with me both in person and when messaging. It's nice to know this, but at the same time a bit overwhelming when I can't match his energy.

I've been reading a little bit about attachment styles and I'm thinking we differ in this respect!

[Els]

On 6/25/2024 at 1:51 AM, lovesfool said:

I feel like we don't truly get to experience what it's like to date one another in a normal setting.

Unfortunately, it's not possible to experience what it's like to date in a "normal" setting when you're in a LDR, due to the nature and requirements of LDRs. It's just one of the downsides - we typically mitigate it by closing the distance as soon as possible and then having an adjustment period after closing the distance, where you actually get to experience what it's like to date this person in the same location. There are definitely couples who have survived the LDR but then collapsed when they closed the distance, because it's a huge adjustment.

That being said, if you are spending 1 week a month together, I'd consider that to be more of a hybrid than long distance specifically. Most people in LDRs don't get to see each other that often. When H and I were long distance, we spent as much time as we humanly could together during visits... but we weren't able to visit each other nearly as often as you did, and the visits were a huge financial investment. In your situation I think it makes plenty of sense to ask for 1 or 2 evenings for each of you to do your own thing.

[Els]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I wish I could say that I love him, but I'm not there yet.

It's been 6 months, though. I don't necessarily believe that saying the words is an indicator of anything, since some people are more vocal than others... but if you don't even FEEL it, may I ask why you are still going through the whole LDR and traveling to each other thing? That's usually not something that most of us are willing to do for a person that we feel lukewarm towards...

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Els said:

but if you don't even FEEL it, may I ask why you are still going through the whole LDR and traveling to each other thing? That's usually not something that most of us are willing to do for a person that we feel lukewarm towards...

I agree, that's way too much time and work to put in to someone you aren't even in love with.  6 months is long enough to know if you can fall in love with someone and your feelings aren't there, maybe you should just let this guy go and look for someone nearby to date.  That way you can have the alone time you want.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I wish I could say that I love him, but I'm not there yet. I do think he loves me though which may be part of my fear - he is intense in his affection and tries to maximise his time with me both in person and when messaging. It's nice to know this, but at the same time a bit overwhelming when I can't match his energy.

I've been reading a little bit about attachment styles and I'm thinking we differ in this respect!

People with different attachment styles can still have a good relationship. I’m an anxious attacher, my fiancée is a distant attacher. We’re making it work.

The “not there yet” part is a bit more concerning. I understand that you haven’t defined this feeling as love (and that’s ok, people have very different ways of naming degrees and levels of attraction), but do you feel closeness, deep affection, strong chemistry with him?

 

Edited June 26 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

I agree that doing all this work without actually loving him is problematic.   However, more problematic is that you know your feelings don't match his...and perhaps they never will.    Does he know how you feel?   Six months is an awful long time to not know if you love him.   Do you have any strong feelings towards him at all?

I'm worried that in your efforts to not bail out quickly, you're taking the risk of stringing him along.

[Gaeta]

I think you find it exhausting to spend one week with him because you are not in love. I'm pretty independant and l can't imagine wanting time apart from my bf if l see him 1 week per month.

You should let this man go. At 6 months if you can't tell if you're in love you won't ever be.

[NuevoYorko]

Your name was familiar so I checked back.   I weighed in on your last thread where you described this relationship as a "one sided infatuation."  His side.

So you're still in the same situation.

What are your motivations for keeping on with this?   I can understand that it might be fun and romantic to have a bf who lives abroad.  But by this point it seems clear that you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you.   

Rather than concerning yourself with what to do when visiting ... I'd suggest really being honest with yourself about what you are doing visiting in the first place.

You like him and you have been giving it a fair shot but by now you definitely know at the very least that he and you are not on the same page.

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree that doing all this work without actually loving him is problematic.   However, more problematic is that you know your feelings don't match his...and perhaps they never will.    Does he know how you feel?   Six months is an awful long time to not know if you love him.   Do you have any strong feelings towards him at all?

I'm worried that in your efforts to not bail out quickly, you're taking the risk of stringing him along.

I'm glad your previous post has been raised as it cements my concern that you're stringing him along.   In Feb, it was early days and can be argued that you could give it more time.  But It's now June and he's in love with you and you're not feeling the same way.  

Please let him go so that he can find a woman who truly loves him as he deserves