Can you relate? What did you do to heal.

[11yrshealingstill]

Hello to anyone that reads this an much advance thank you! I have for sure been searching for healing, my best friend (husband) of 25 yrs left 11 yrs ago,  I lost/left the house we owed all the yrs, raised our kids (now adults in), I know I for sure have over come alot, I bought my own house 2 yrs ago, I have hung on because that what we are to do, right??? 2 crappy crappy bfs an now single 2 yrs, no dating meeting a male, nope, I want to be clear, I am ok y ex hubby moved on he remarried an I want good for him, 100%, it not really about him or how things played out, I just can not seem to not be bitter or broken, I do not play the feel soory card with me to any 1, I just do not seem to think the few I am close with my sister, son an daughter know the dept of unhealed pain I carry, an it is not there job, matter fact I am very tight lipped about it, but it seems when an the rare times I open up maybe 2 times a yr they in genral seem annoyed a bit, not my son, but again we all have our own lives an I try very hard to not let on, I feel I am coming to a point I see no matter what I do or achive or do not, I am truly losing desire to even try....... I been ever an now an then mentions I am doing this lets say go see the Ocean, had not seen in 30 yrs went alone, kinda last min. so glad I did but telling them an a newer friend I have made about 9 months ago at work, we both have a horse, we go riding together but I keep dropping hints to ppl about y bucket list and if I die an I will you this do you want it, I state it in a joking way but I just do not think there seeing my thinking.  My frame of mind is not supper great, no matter what I may do, I keep giving things to ppl, how many red flags can you put out there before.  Please do not get me wrong only I can save myself, but I just do not care like I did for myself at all, now 1 of my cicrle needs me it keeps me going, I want needed an sadly I know I need more needed by me an I do not even care about myself whats so ever, I have 3 kitties an 1 horse an bunny that need me so that balances me........ I worked hard to get back into to healthcare, an finally accomplished that, taking care of ppl is my hearts desire, an took an off shift so it take up the free time in evenings an weekended to hopefully fill this void, but again I just do care in the sense of myself at all, or seeking validation from a partner I can not seem to heal myself or even care if I do like I should, no grand children, so what do you do, yes I believe I pray, I been to a few counselor over the last yrs, it was just like a band aid, pain still there , I just do not care if I stay here I really do not, so if I am deemed selfish ok but I reached out when I thought was a stress free time for the few in my circle an it was like ahh ok, but not my son he is very like his Momma an cares so much, he getting married soon, an no how my thoughts are have noting to to do with that I assure you, I do not an will not burned him with my BS ever, that not fair to him! I am so happy for him! 

[stillafool]

Welcome to LS.  I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way.  It sounds like you've dropped a lot of hints to your family about how you're feeling and they're not getting the message.  I would stop hinting and just come right out and tell them your thoughts and that you need support.  People get so caught up in their lives they don't see or sense when someone is struggling in silence and reaching out for help.  My brother committed suicide and we, his family, didn't have a clue.   We were floored and devastated.  That was 30 years ago and we still aren't over it and will never get there.  Please don't do that to your son and the rest of your family.  I promise you life will get better.  Another chapter is getting ready to unfold in your life with your son getting married.  You will now have a daughter and soon grand children who will be the loves of your life and will take up a lot of your time and love you so much.  You have a bright future, please hold on for it.  We are here for you anytime you want to talk and just let it all out.

[11yrshealingstill]

Thank you so much for your reply, I am so sorry for your brother loss I do understand in a sense the best poss. I had a very dear friend that made this choice. an yes its such a struggle within a person to know an wondered what you yourself could have done at that time to help them, an your left with empty unanswered what if's, I myself can not ever wrap my soul around there choice, but again I do not think my friend is a terrible person deemed to hell bc that was choice, it is wrong yes, We as ppl continue to battle survival in the economy we have currently its just not a good. I love helping ppl. I just think I bought y house to succumb to it, oddly I had this Idea well before even my closing date, it makes not sense to me at all....... Again thank you for repling an your hope I surly an grateful to you for it!

[stillafool]

One other thing, it's okay to feel sorry for yourself for a little while after losing your husband and best friend after 25 years of marriage.  You deserve a bit of pampering.  You have a home and it can still be filled with joy and laughter, also just because you've had 2 crappy boyfriends doesn't mean that's the end for you.  You sound like a lovely lady and you have a horse, and own your own home.  You have a lot to offer.  Have you thought of joining some riding groups to meet new people?  

[Gaeta]

Have you talked to your doctor about it? It sounds like depression that's never been properly treated and then you drag that sorrow with you every day. There is no shame in accepting medication to get you through this tough phase. 

On those negative days count your blessings. You have raised beautiful grounded children to adulthood, you have your home and animals, you're healthy, you work in the field you love. You do have a lot to be grateful for. 

I lost a house twice to divorce, then stayed single almost 10 years, then got 2 long term boyfriends that cheated, and finally here I am at 58 and in love again. There was one thing that helped me through it all and it's every day I counted my blessing. Even the morning after my last breakup, I was completely destroyed by the betrayal, I looked in the mirror and told myself outloud: I have my health, I have my home, I have my daughters, I am surrounded by loving family, I have a job I love, I will be happy again. And I told that to myself as often as needed until things got better. 

Years ago I read a book titled : Awaken The Giant Within. What I have learned in that book has helped me to this day to push through the bad stuff. 

[tzorno]

It will get better.  Time is different for all of us.  I had a thread here not long ago about letting go of hate and bitterness so i'm aware of what you are going through.  I accepted the fact that i'll never truly let go of it, but I don't concentrate on it now.  I put it aside for days i'll need or use it.  Honestly, i've been in a better place even since that thread was created by just concentrating on all the blessings I do have and realizing that it's going to keep getting better.  

Life has a strange way of working stuff out.  I believe you will find a worthy partner when you least expect it and find the happiness you crave.  It's never to late.  Always remember that.

[Lauriebell82]

Everyone heals at a different pace and there is no timeline! I have been divorced for 8 years from my ex husband whom I share custody of my two boys with. I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years, we each own our own homes and live seperately and have no plans for marriage and are happy with that! My ex husband is engaged to be remarried with a wedding date set for next year. We had a pretty bad marriage, he was really narcissistic and emotionally abusive and it took a LOT of therapy and hard work on my part to heal and forgive him in order to be able to even coparent with him amicably. I/we are in a much better place today! My boys really like their future stepmom and I have talked to her several times and she seems to really care about my kids (she has no bio kids of her own). I think my ex made a good choice! I realized through my therapy that a live in partner/remarriage is not the right decision for me (or my boyfriend) and a lot of why I got married the first time was in order to have children/fullfill social norms rather then because i wanted to be married. I found out that I am more fullfilled just having a partner and living independently and this works for me! It was through all my healing that I found so much self discovery and forgiveness for me ex husband for divorcing me. It will get better as others have said, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if needed. Focus on goals that you have for yourself and what you want-I believe through that you will not only find your own healing and self discovery but you will find the strength to forgive and move on as well! 

[happyhorizons]

On 7/15/2024 at 2:58 PM, Lauriebell82 said:

Everyone heals at a different pace and there is no timeline! I have been divorced for 8 years from my ex husband whom I share custody of my two boys with. I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years, we each own our own homes and live seperately and have no plans for marriage and are happy with that! My ex husband is engaged to be remarried with a wedding date set for next year. We had a pretty bad marriage, he was really narcissistic and emotionally abusive and it took a LOT of therapy and hard work on my part to heal and forgive him in order to be able to even coparent with him amicably. I/we are in a much better place today! My boys really like their future stepmom and I have talked to her several times and she seems to really care about my kids (she has no bio kids of her own). I think my ex made a good choice! I realized through my therapy that a live in partner/remarriage is not the right decision for me (or my boyfriend) and a lot of why I got married the first time was in order to have children/fullfill social norms rather then because i wanted to be married. I found out that I am more fullfilled just having a partner and living independently and this works for me! It was through all my healing that I found so much self discovery and forgiveness for me ex husband for divorcing me. It will get better as others have said, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if needed. Focus on goals that you have for yourself and what you want-I believe through that you will not only find your own healing and self discovery but you will find the strength to forgive and move on as well! 

THIS ^ is a great post.  EVERYONE DOES HEAL DIFFERENTLY and in his/her own time. It is important to realize that EVERYONE has experienced disappointment, broken dreams, or sorrow at some point during their lives.  So, you ARE NOT ALONE but you determine how YOUR STORY will be written moving forward.  You control your own path today and tomorrow.  Good Luck.