az_cot Posted June 27 Share Posted June 27 Hello, I am a male in my early mid 50's and I have been communicating with a woman through an online dating platform who is also in her early 50's. The communication via the dating platform has been going on for about a month and has been very good. It seemed as though we were really connecting with one another. Well, since we had been messaging each other for a month I thought it was time for us to talk on the phone so I had asked her if I could call her sometime so that we can get to know each other better as there is only so much you can learn from each other through message. When I asked if I could call the woman I have been communicating with she went completely quiet on me about the subject. Her first response was partly from what I included with the request but still no mention of us talking on the phone. I sent her another message asking her if I could call her sometime to talk on the phone and I got no response. I don't think I was being unreasonable wanting to talk on the phone as I am pretty old fashion in regards to calling a woman up to get to know her better but I think I am have driven her away. Did I move to fast in wanting to call her up after one month of messaging via our dating platform we met on? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 27 Share Posted June 27 It sounds like she just wanted a penpal You weren't too fast at all! A month is actually a really long time to wait to talk on the phone. It it were me and the writing was going well for a few exchanges, I'd be wanting a call or a date. Best to move on and find someone who actually wants to date Link to post Share on other sites
Author az_cot Posted June 28 Author Share Posted June 28 Thanks for your response. That's one of the things I thought with her just wanting a pen pal but I also considered that maybe something was going on that prevented her from responding back so I had decided to message her through the online dating platform we been communicating on today. When I logged on to try to send her a message, she had deactivated her account so definitely wasn't serious about building anything with me or she could have been talking to someone else and instead of just telling me she decided to take herself off the platform. Just one of those lessons learned with online dating which I pretty much hate. Again, thank you for your response. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 44 minutes ago, az_cot said: Thanks for your response. That's one of the things I thought with her just wanting a pen pal but I also considered that maybe something was going on that prevented her from responding back so I had decided to message her through the online dating platform we been communicating on today. When I logged on to try to send her a message, she had deactivated her account so definitely wasn't serious about building anything with me or she could have been talking to someone else and instead of just telling me she decided to take herself off the platform. Just one of those lessons learned with online dating which I pretty much hate. Again, thank you for your response. I haven't done OLD because I've been married forever, but I've watched our daughter do it and it seems that one needs to be fairly ruthless in order to get rid of the time wasters. (Also, she had success so don't give up!) Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 You messaged back and forth for a month, then finally suggested you take it to the phone, she went dark and you're asking if you moved to fast? Seriously? You're doing it wrong. After the first contact on a dating site, throw a handful of messages back and forth over maybe 2-3 days. THEN take it to the phone, or completely bypass the phone and set up a first quick meeting- you can always extend if there's a spark but typically there isn't or worse, the person you meet doesn't look anything like their photos or profile description. A month of messages is a complete and utter waste of time. Why do you need to even be told this? Why are you asking if you "moved to fast" when you're clearly moving way too slow? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author az_cot Posted June 28 Author Share Posted June 28 3 hours ago, semble said: You messaged back and forth for a month, then finally suggested you take it to the phone, she went dark and you're asking if you moved to fast? Seriously? You're doing it wrong. After the first contact on a dating site, throw a handful of messages back and forth over maybe 2-3 days. THEN take it to the phone, or completely bypass the phone and set up a first quick meeting- you can always extend if there's a spark but typically there isn't or worse, the person you meet doesn't look anything like their photos or profile description. A month of messages is a complete and utter waste of time. Why do you need to even be told this? Why are you asking if you "moved to fast" when you're clearly moving way too slow? 3 hours ago, semble said: You messaged back and forth for a month, then finally suggested you take it to the phone, she went dark and you're asking if you moved to fast? Seriously? You're doing it wrong. After the first contact on a dating site, throw a handful of messages back and forth over maybe 2-3 days. THEN take it to the phone, or completely bypass the phone and set up a first quick meeting- you can always extend if there's a spark but typically there isn't or worse, the person you meet doesn't look anything like their photos or profile description. A month of messages is a complete and utter waste of time. Why do you need to even be told this? Why are you asking if you "moved to fast" when you're clearly moving way too slow? Thank you for your response. I don't think there is a right or wrong of doing it. The same thing could have happened if I was messaging her for just a few days. It goes back to the person and just how serious they are about really building a relationship with you if that is what they are truly looking for. Each person is different as I have seen people message each other for months before actually talking on the phone or meeting in person. I am not much of an online dater so I am not all up on how fast or slow I should take things as I am more traditional in meeting a woman in person at a social gathering which is why I am asking the question in this forum. I just wanted to get anyone else's take on this situation. again, thank you for your response. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 Tip: you don't chat, message someone for weeks. You have a few messages and ask them out. Those who hesitate after a month is likely married/not available and or are doing it for the attention. Only invest your time in those who want to meet you go on a date. This lady is a time waster. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 You did the right thing by asking if you could call her. She, for whatever reason, wasn't into moving things forward. Instead of picking up the phone and simply telling you this, or even asking if you two could continue messaging for a bit longer, she chose to just ignore your request. I'm sorry that this happened. It's not your fault at all. I don't think you drove her away, she just didn't want to take things to the next level. Just focus on finding someone who is more open to connecting and communicating with you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 2 hours ago, az_cot said: The same thing could have happened if I was messaging her for just a few days. True. But then you wouldn't have wasted a month. And I would venture to say that anyone serious about finding someone to date will not engage in a month-long text exchange. The whole point of OLD is to bring people into your orbit who otherwise wouldn't be there. You are still supposed to use face-to-face interaction to get to know the person and determine compatibility. Among the many negatives of OLD is this notion that you can select for the perfect partner without having to actually meet them first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 Some people do just want pen pals on these apps and aren't looking to take it any further than that. It's not uncommon at all for people to run into situations like this. There are lots of different reasons why people just want to message but not talk in person or meet. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 5 hours ago, az_cot said: Thank you for your response. I don't think there is a right or wrong of doing it. The same thing could have happened if I was messaging her for just a few days. Depends on how valuable your time is and what your goals are. If you are focusing solely on one person and ignoring other potential matches, and sending useless messages back and forth for a month then it could be considered "ineffective" if not "wrong". If you're not serious about meeting someone or you're not putting all your eggs in one basket by focusing on one individual then yeah, I guess swapping messages for a month isn't all that bad but still not the best way to meet someone. But that's irrelevant as far as the point of your thread goes, which is did you move to fast and, again it's ridiculous to even suggest that asking someone out after a month of messaging is moving too fast. If someone is serious about trying to find a partner they won't be put off by an offer to meet after only a handful of messages. If they ARE put off, or they go dark, then they weren't serious, or they were messing with you, or they've got some sort of serious mental disorder/phobia sort of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
cigsandcaffeine Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 Oh wow. People I talked to on dating don't even talk to me. They just leave their phone number after we match. Or their snap, insta, etc. Not even a hi or hello. But 1 month? Damn... Impressive on your part. I wish I had that type of connection. I'm sorry that she doesn't seem equally impressed by it as me here. Keep looking. Link to post Share on other sites
cigsandcaffeine Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 (edited) The longest I talked to someone was like 2 days. The second to third day they already want my socials. I keep refusing, and they keep begging me till either I accept or they block me instantly. But even if I accept their socials, they send me indecent pics until I have to block them. So um, what site did you find her at? I need some normal dating site like that. I doubt it was Tinder. Edited June 29 by cigsandcaffeine typo Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 8 hours ago, cigsandcaffeine said: The longest I talked to someone was like 2 days. The second to third day they already want my socials. I keep refusing, and they keep begging me till either I accept or they block me instantly. But even if I accept their socials, they send me indecent pics until I have to block them. You may find good advice on this if you update it on your existing thread Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 You most certainly did not move too fast. This was actually way slower than normal. It's not normal or recommended to just message each other for a whole month. Anyone who isn't willing to talk on the phone within a couple of days is not interested in anything more than a pen pal and is wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author az_cot Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 (edited) Thank you all for your responses. It has given me a lot to think about moving forward. Whether I will continue using online dating platforms remains to be seen. To clarify a little bit more with the person I was communicating with, it was more about me not rushing her as she did tell me a lot of things about her past relationships being abusive. I won't go into too much details but one being a marriage she had to escape from an abusive husband and another being a long term relationship she was in where she found out that the guy she was with did something to her daughter that she found out later on before marrying him. She was just getting back into the dating scene after a 3 year hiatus and was taking things slow in looking back. She did live in another city but within the same state. She was just a 2 1/2 hour drive away from me. I wasn't too keen about the long distance relationship but she wasn't too far away plus she seem to meet all the criteria of what I was initially looking for. I won't say what site I met her on but It was an interracial dating site. It just came down to her not really being serious about building a relationship or she wasn't ready given what she had been through before. Anyway, hopefully I can find the right woman out there that is ready to build a relationship. Again, thank you all for your responses. Edited June 30 by az_cot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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