New here, my boyfriend left me for reasons I cannot understand

[Coffeelove620]

I've been in madly in love with this man, we've been dating for 5 months.  I moved in with him pretty fast and we got along great.  For my birthday he even took me on overseas trip and we had a great time together.

Last week he comes home from work and sits me down and says "I think it's best we go separate ways", and this was out of no where.  I was shocked and started to get a panic attack, I asked why.

He said he's mentally not stable and that he's been holding in his urges and that he can no longer endure to hold and he doesn't want to bring me down his rabbit hole.  I didn't understand so I asked him to elaborate.

He states that he's been diagnosed with BPD, NPD, and he feels that he's absolutely crazy.  He says that he feels urges to start a fight with me because I'm too peaceful and kind, and he can't understand himself why he wants to.  He says without chaos and turmoil, he feels foreign.  He states that he knows how crazy this is but yet he cannot help himself.  He understands and knows I've done nothing but he gets uncontrollable urges to start a fight and drama because that's what he craves.  He told me that he feels insane and that he doesnt want to drag me through this and he needs intense therapy to fix this.

Then he told me he has controlling issues.  This I understood a bit because he lives his life like military drill sergeant.  He eats super healthy, is in the gym every day, and works 15 hours per day on his computer, he is very successful at what he does.  He says that in his mind he thinks he knows everything and that he's better than most people.  He said that he knows how narcissistic it is but he cannot help but to feel this way.  

He told me its like looking in the mirror knowing that the behaviors are completely out of line but he cannot control himself.  He says he's been trying his best to control them but it gets to his head and he builds resentment towards me eventhough he knows all of this is his doing.

He was tearing and telling me to pack my stuff and just leave him because he refuses to drag me through what's coming.  He says that maybe his past relationships were all of his fault as well, and he just realized now just how toxic and crazy he is.

He says he loves me and refuses to bring me where he's about to go and that he will start a therapy called DPT and that he should probably just be alone and not bother anyone.  I told him I dont want to leave him but he told me that I don't deserve this, and he knows that he will destroy me mentally and he cannot do this to anyone else because he says he's done that to everyone he's ever been with and thsi entire time he thought it was them but slowly self reflecting that it's him.

Is this an excuse? I never seen this man even show slight emotion to anything and he had literally tears rolling down his face and I was shocked.

[NuevoYorko]

An excuse for what?  I'm sorry to be blunt but he wants to end the relationship and if he needs to make up a crazy wild excuse, or just say "I'm done,"  doesn't get a different end result than if this is all true.

You don't need or want to be with a guy who's a mental basket case, OR with one who would tell you a tall tale to get out of what he's started with you.

Right?

[Coffeelove620]

I wanted to know if this is some sort of lie or not.  I'm just confused and very sad at the moment because I deeply love this man.  But he's pushing me away telling me that he has these urges and while he knows they are bad he cannot seem to keep them under control.

He says that from his previous relationship and how they ended, he doesn't want me to a victim, he says he needs time to fix himself and that he'll do some special therapy called DPT.  I know he's spending alot to do this, I hear him in his office talking to therapists 2x a week, I try not to eavesdrop too much but I do hear him.  

I agree with what you're saying but the meaning means alot to me.  It would put me at ease if this is some legit reason, although I have a hard time understanding he keeps saying he will ruin me as well and he cannot do that to me.

Edited June 27 by Coffeelove620

[flitzanu]

that's just an elaborate excuse of "it's not you, it's me" 

 

he's just trying to let you down easy, so i wouldn't read much into the story other than he doesn't want to be with you.

[ShyViolet]

Either everything he told you is true, or it is some really elaborate lie as an excuse to break up with you.  If it is some elaborate lie, then it sounds like he's an oscar-level actor and he has gone through great lengths to end this relationship.  We can't tell you whether this is a made-up story because we do not know him and can only go based off what you are telling us.  Either way it doesn't matter.  The fact is that you need to move out and respect his wishes.  He's done with this relationship.  You can't change that.

It was a red flag that you have only been dating for 5 months but you moved in with him already.  So how long had you been dating when you moved in, two months?  Less?  That was an extremely poor decision.  You never move in with someone that fast, it doesn't matter how "madly in love" with them you are.  When you are in a brand-new relationship with someone and infatuated with them, you aren't seeing the relationship clearly and rationally.  You are just high on endorphins and excited about this new relationship.  You do not truly know the person at that point.  And obviously there was A LOT you didn't know about this man.  All this serious stuff is coming out about him.... this is stuff you would have learned about him if you had waited the appropriate amount of time before moving in together.

[Gaeta]

I always wonder who are these people moving in together after 5 months dating!!! 

Whether it's true or not bottom line is he does not wan to be in this relationship anymore. Please pack up and leave, don't wait to discover that he's also violent. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry but I question how "deeply" you can be in love with a guy you've only known for a few months, and also who you appear to not know very well at all ... if he's been able to hide all these urges and personality disorders from you so completely.  Or, if he's capable of making up such a flamboyant lie in order to figure out how he can break it off with you.

You've got to move on.  That's the important thing.  If you want to talk about his weirdnesses, that's fine - but you should find a new place to live, or prepare to take on the place you now live on your own, as your first priority.  He's out of there.

[Coffeelove620]

9 hours ago, flitzanu said:

that's just an elaborate excuse of "it's not you, it's me" 

 

he's just trying to let you down easy, so i wouldn't read much into the story other than he doesn't want to be with you.

He's not the type to lie, I've known him since last year summer.  He wasn't really into me and he was single for a long time.  I've always liked him because he was my type of man physically and mentally.  He was always so kind and respectful to everyone around him.  Even when I confessed i liked him last year he said you don't know me well enough to know me so how about we get to know each other first before you claim such things.  

He never even tried to sleep with me fast, we talked and got to know each other for 6.5 months before he even took me on a date. He took his time to get to know me, so I never questioned his morals much.  

[Coffeelove620]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Either everything he told you is true, or it is some really elaborate lie as an excuse to break up with you.  If it is some elaborate lie, then it sounds like he's an oscar-level actor and he has gone through great lengths to end this relationship.  We can't tell you whether this is a made-up story because we do not know him and can only go based off what you are telling us.  Either way it doesn't matter.  The fact is that you need to move out and respect his wishes.  He's done with this relationship.  You can't change that.

It was a red flag that you have only been dating for 5 months but you moved in with him already.  So how long had you been dating when you moved in, two months?  Less?  That was an extremely poor decision.  You never move in with someone that fast, it doesn't matter how "madly in love" with them you are.  When you are in a brand-new relationship with someone and infatuated with them, you aren't seeing the relationship clearly and rationally.  You are just high on endorphins and excited about this new relationship.  You do not truly know the person at that point.  And obviously there was A LOT you didn't know about this man.  All this serious stuff is coming out about him.... this is stuff you would have learned about him if you had waited the appropriate amount of time before moving in together.

This is true, I saw that at times he would have these "moments" where he becomes verbally aggressive debate like manner and later he apologizes.  He told me when things are too peaceful and calm, he feels out of place and that he has uncontrollable urges to create chaos.  He says he knows how insane that is but that's who he is and he has only realized it recently and looking back he says all of the relationships where he thought the girl was toxic, it was actually him who was toxic and drove them insane.

You're right, if he's acting then he is an oscar level actor because I've known him for almost a year now and he's a very stoic man.  He even scheduled a joint call with this therapist to explain what bpd and npd is to me so I will hear that this weekend.  He says he doesn't want me to go through it with him because from past history he knows he drove normal people into madness over time and he can't do that again due to guilt and shame.

I moved in with him few months into dating, and he told me he loves me very fast.  He said that I brought peace into his life and that he cherished that the most.  But he says he gets urges to fight, gas light, and those intrusive thoughts he has to fight off all of the time.  He also becomes extremely insecure and controlling which I don't understand because he has everything from looks to financial success.

[Coffeelove620]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry but I question how "deeply" you can be in love with a guy you've only known for a few months, and also who you appear to not know very well at all ... if he's been able to hide all these urges and personality disorders from you so completely.  Or, if he's capable of making up such a flamboyant lie in order to figure out how he can break it off with you.

You've got to move on.  That's the important thing.  If you want to talk about his weirdnesses, that's fine - but you should find a new place to live, or prepare to take on the place you now live on your own, as your first priority.  He's out of there.

He said he didnt even know he had this issue until recently because we got into a few arguments and he realized that I didn't do anything wrong and that he just believed in something and fought for it like his life depends on it.  He told me he thinks his opinions matter more than anyone elses, and that sounds ridiculous to him but his brain is convinced he knows better than everyone and that he matters the most.  He says that he hates the fact that he thinks like this but he can't help it.  

I asked him what makes you think this? he said that he's had such a hard life as a kid, had everything going against him.  His father abandoned him shortly after moving to another country and left him homeless with his brother and his mom and they had no money, friends, or anything.  They lived in a shelter from buddhist temple for years until he was able to work at 16 and he worked at supermarket while going to school.  To make a long story short, he made it pretty big now and that he thinks nobody's opinions matter unless someone went through something like he did and survived.  He also said that every single time he listend to other people's advice things went side ways and when he did it his way things worked out.

He's in his 30s and he supports his entire family including his parents, grand parents, he even gives me money, volunteers at a dog shelter and he takes great pride in doing these things.  Maybe his ego is inflated because of these things and makes him a narcissist.  He tries to be humble but I see when he talks to anyone it usually turns into a debate if opinions are different and this man speaks without a single stutter like a trained speaker and he does this to me as well. 

I wanted to goto a festival where you bring water guns and he became visibly upset saying that he doesn't want me getting wet with other men and that those events are peasants and that he doesn't want me to go.  He is opposed to me taking girl vacations with my friends because he thinks that we will mess around with other men.  He says if I want to do single activities like go party, drink then go be single, he's always had a very hard boundaries on this and I knew this before getting with him because he's always stated this ever since I knew him.  We've had talks in groups before we got together and some of us would say he's very controlling and strict but he defended saying that he has boundaries, and that he will not control anyone but he can choose to leave and not stay with the person if they cross the boundaries.

Edited June 28 by Coffeelove620

[happyhorizons]

I am willing to bet that he has met someone NEW.  He comes up with this story to lessen the blow and give himself an OUT. 

[NuevoYorko]

Whatever.  He's obviously about the worst possible choice for a "boyfriend" you could find.  Sounds like a complete tool.  

[Coffeelove620]

12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Whatever.  He's obviously about the worst possible choice for a "boyfriend" you could find.  Sounds like a complete tool.  

I wouldnt' say he's a tool he's a very nice man.  Very respectful to everyone and is adored by all of his friends.  He is just a bit traditional but also comes with good sides.

[Gebidozo]

On 6/27/2024 at 1:06 PM, Coffeelove620 said:

Is this an excuse? I never seen this man even show slight emotion to anything and he had literally tears rolling down his face and I was shocked.

If this is an excuse, then he lied and broke up with you because he doesn’t love you.

If this is not an excuse, then he has severe mental issues and it’s a good thing that he broke up with you.

In either case, it’s a good thing that you aren’t together with him.

OP, in the future, please don’t move in together after such a short time of acquaintance. A few months is nothing. Also, perhaps try not to apply very strong expressions such as “madly in love” to people you’ve just met and barely know. 

[BreakOnThrough]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I always wonder who are these people moving in together after 5 months dating!!! 

Whether it's true or not bottom line is he does not wan to be in this relationship anymore. Please pack up and leave, don't wait to discover that he's also violent. 

Why say he's violent?  There is no proof of that, and that's how rumors and suggestions get started, before long, she'll be doxing the guy on other forums.

[stillafool]

On 6/27/2024 at 1:06 AM, Coffeelove620 said:

Is this an excuse?

You ask this and then:

12 hours ago, Coffeelove620 said:

He's not the type to lie, I've known him since last year summer.

You say this.  So you obviously must know that he is not lying to you.

 

My opinion:  He now knows that moving in together was a mistake after only 5 months. He's tired of it and wants his life back so he asked you to leave.  He's trying to let you down easy with the "it's not you, it's me". This is a very common excuse when someone wants to break up gently.  People who are struggling mentally and physically want and need their partner with them if they are in love.  He's fallen out of love with you.

 

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, Coffeelove620 said:

I wouldnt' say he's a tool he's a very nice man.  

You just spent many sentences describing a person who would not ever be described by anyone as "very nice."  

[NuevoYorko]

56 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Why say he's violent?  There is no proof of that, and that's how rumors and suggestions get started, before long, she'll be doxing the guy on other forums.

Well, the poster didn't say he IS violent. 

On the other hand the OP  said he's verbally aggressive.  And then there's: "He said he's mentally not stable and that he's been holding in his urges and that he can no longer endure to hold."     Not to mention he has "uncontrollable urges to start a fight."   And he's controlling.

Top it all off with him dumping the OP because he's certain that these traits are going to bring him down to some bad place ... and it's not a stretch to anticipate that some violent behavior might be in the cards.  

Anybody will tell a woman to run, run, run from a guy who displays these characteristics.  

 

[Lotsgoingon]

The treatment he is going for (assuming he is telling the truth) is DBT, not DPT ...  Dialectical Behavior Therapy. This is a serious and intense treatment for people with serious and intense struggles to manage feelings and emotions and relationships. 

And if you look up BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) you will quickly see that it's no joke and you don't want to be a partner of someone with untreated BPD! 

Sounds like he's giving you the warning about who he really is. BTW: one reason you don't move in with someone at 5 months is because you want to know exactly this type of information he just gave you BEFORE you move in. 

Guessing here: though you apparently haven't seen some of his problematic behavior, likely he has displayed it at work and with others outside of work.

Definitely thank him and step away. 

 

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, Coffeelove620 said:

He even scheduled a joint call with this therapist to explain what bpd and npd is to me so I will hear that this weekend. 

Why on earth are you doing this?  You know he wants to break up, you know that the relationship is over and he's not mentally stable enough to continue this relationship (either that or he's lying about it, but it absolutely does not matter and doesn't change the outcome).  Why would you  do a joint call with his therapist?  Seems weird and inappropriate.  His mental issues are not your issue and frankly none of your business.  You won't be his girlfriend anymore so it's not your place to get involved in it.  The only thing you should be focusing on now are the logistics of moving out.  And then moving ON with your life.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't do it ... You get on that call and next thing you know, you'll be volunteering yourself for the rescuer hero. I'll be patient. I'll treat him so well, that he heals and everything is OK.

No, BPD is not that simple. Let him do the intensive therapy and then ... later ... meet with him if you want to .... and he was also diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality? OMG!

 

[NuevoYorko]

OP:  Why would you choose to be with a man who would go to such lengths to figure out how to break up with you?

Also, why would you choose to be with a man who is unable to function because of his mental illnesses, and knows it?

I'm not getting this.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You both exhibited poor judgment here, moving in too fast. 

But he knows himself better than you know him, and he knows this needs to end. If he is lying and trying to get rid of you, well, you need to go anyway. If he isn't lying, then he is warning you about a very dark side of him you haven't seen yet - and you still need to go. 

Next time, slow down. Way down. Moving in together after a few months was foolish of both of your, plain and simple. Wait and actualy date a while and see how the person is in a relationship first. You two went about this backwards, so now it hurts even more because you have to move out. Look out for yourself more in the future, and don't dive into something too quickly. 

[MsJayne]

I haven’t read all answers so please forgive me if someone else has already said this. If what he’s telling you is true, and it sounds like it could be, he’s giving you a get-out-of-jail-free card. You need to listen, and you need to act quickly and move out of his house and retreat to the periphery of his life. He’s warning you, which is out of character for someone with his traits, so to me it sounds like “being kind” to you may be an exercise his therapist has set for him. I highly recommend tuning in to broadcasts published by Dr Ramani Durvasula if you want to try and understand any aspect of narcissism as she puts things in lay terms, and there also are many other academically qualified broadcasters who produce content on serious mental health disorders. Whatever you do, don’t delude yourself that you can fix him with love and patience,  you can’t. Also, don’t try to cajole him into continuing with the relationship, you’d be asking for big trouble. If he’s been professionally diagnosed with NPD this is very serious, because Narcissistic Personality Disorder is often the last station before the train reaches Psychopath Town. These people are cruel to cute, lovable pets because cuteness makes them angry. Likewise for cute, lovable people.  Interesting that you say you’ve been attracted to him for a long time, are you normally drawn to men who aren’t emotionally available? 

[Coffeelove620]

On 6/29/2024 at 3:01 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

The treatment he is going for (assuming he is telling the truth) is DBT, not DPT ...  Dialectical Behavior Therapy. This is a serious and intense treatment for people with serious and intense struggles to manage feelings and emotions and relationships. 

And if you look up BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) you will quickly see that it's no joke and you don't want to be a partner of someone with untreated BPD! 

Sounds like he's giving you the warning about who he really is. BTW: one reason you don't move in with someone at 5 months is because you want to know exactly this type of information he just gave you BEFORE you move in. 

Guessing here: though you apparently haven't seen some of his problematic behavior, likely he has displayed it at work and with others outside of work.

Definitely thank him and step away. 

 

yes im sorry it's DBT.  I saw pain in his eyes as he was telling me this.  He said it's really hard to let go of someone you love but he feels he has no choice because he doesn't want to ruin us.  He said he will be back to me once he's better but he doesn't want me to wait for him because it's selfish for him to want that.