Am I Being Irrational for Feeling Upset and Rejected?

[lilibeth]

I''ve been in a serious relationship with a divorced man ("Bob") for almost five years. He has two kids (20 and 15). The kids have known me for 4 years. I am closer to the 15yr old than the 20yr old because she attends college out of town. I happily play "step-mom" to the 15yr old when his father is busy or on travel for work. All 4 of us spend time together whenever the 20yr old is home and have gone on vacation together as well. Bob tells me I am family and in his life 100%.

I know and accept that the kids are the 1st priority to their father. I understand that the kids also need time alone with their father and give them their space, as well as, encourage them to spend time together without me.

This summer, we started planning a trip to Maui with the kids. Bob told the kids this could be the last family vacation for a very long time because the 20yr old is graduating from college soon and will go out into the work world and may not have time for family vacations anymore. Out of the blue, I could no longer go on this trip because I received a job opportunity and didn’t feel right taking time off as a new employee. However, within a few days the job fell through and I could go again. In the middle of this, Bob told the kids I couldn't go. The 20yr old got really excited that the trip will be just the 3 of them. Instead of telling the kids my new job fell through and I can go again, Bob rescinded my invitation because the 20yr old wanted the trip to be just the 3 of them. I am more than hurt by this rejection. I told Bob that part of the reason for this trip is for me to be closer to the kids and because it's our last summer together (like he advertised) I want to spend time with them. Also, if I'm 100% in his life, his daughter needs to respect that. I told him that he's letting his daughter define our relationship. I know she and I are not close, but life hasn't stopped for him and his son just because the daughter has been away. Bob started defending his daughter saying they have never gone on a long trip together and that I don't know how hard the divorce has been for the kids, and is it too much for them to ask to spend alone time with their dad. He has been separated and divorced for 6 years now. He has moved on with me and his ex has a boyfriend as well. He now said that I have ruined the trip for him. He said it's my fault that the kids got excited about it being just the 3 of them because of the new job. I have been excluded from other important events in their lives in the past like their graduations because the ex will be there and he didn't want it to be awkward for the kids. I understood. However, this trip has nothing to do with the ex but about us spending quality time together. He said me being there will remind the kids that Bob and their mother are no longer together. He obviously is giving in to his daughter out of guilt, but how long is this going to go on? I feel like he will always give in to her at my expense.

Sorry for the long backstory. Am I wrong to feel hurt and rejected? What would you do in this situation?

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, lilibeth said:

Sorry for the long backstory. Am I wrong to feel hurt and rejected? What would you do in this situation?

Your feelings aren’t wrong.

I would however try to understand his perspective. He tells the kids you’re all going on the trip, then when you tell him you can’t go and he relays that to the kids, they get really excited that it will just be the 3 of them. As a parent, having a 20 year old and a 15 year old excited to be going on vacation with you is huge. And they were excited specifically to have that time alone with their dad. So when things fell through, he understandably doesn’t want to disappoint them. And he’s probably excited to spend this time with his kids too. 
 

In this situation, it’s best to let it go. Let them have their trip and have a great time. If you force the issue, it will come across like you’re making him choose between what you want and what his kids want. Which will drive a wedge between you and him (if you haven’t done that already).
 

So apologize. Let him know in the moment you felt rejected, but now understand that this is an important and exciting trip for him and his kids to bond. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, lilibeth said:

Am I wrong to feel hurt and rejected?

You aren’t wrong to feel anything. Feelings can’t be right or wrong. It’s what we do about them that can be controlled and hence evaluated ethically. 

Try to remind yourself that these are his children, and his refusal to take you on the trip has nothing to do with rejecting you and everything to do with pleasing them. 

6 hours ago, lilibeth said:

What would you do in this situation?

I’d probably feel hurt and rejected just like you did, then I’d try to calm down, analyze the situation rationally, realize that there was no intention to hurt, try to gather more understanding and generosity towards my partner, apologize for my outburst, and wish them a great trip.

[FMW]

I would feel hurt and rejected too, but I understand why his wanting to have this time alone with his kids is important.  It would be great if partners that come along later in life could simply be absorbed into existing family relationships as if they had always been there, but that's usually not the reality.  His children wanting time alone with him and him wanting to have that time as well is not a reflection on his feelings for you.  It's natural that it stings a bit, but we have to deal with the reality of the situation.  In this case I would try to deal with my own feelings and let him have this time.  Do something special for yourself while they are gone, enjoy the opportunity to spend time with your family and friends on your own.    

[stillafool]

No your not wrong for feeling rejected because you were.  However, I would let it go since this is their last opportunity for the 3 of them to have alone time on a trip.  If you and him are as close as you say, perhaps he'll marry you in the future and you can go on plenty of trips alone with him.  Right now the daughter doesn't view you as family because technically, you're not.  I would let them have their time together without being upset.  It sounds like he too is looking forward to alone time with his kids.

[ShyViolet]

You are entitled to your feelings, and your feelings are not "wrong".  But I really think you should have backed off and respected their desire to have a trip just Dad and the kids.  That's what the kids wanted and that's what their Dad wanted.  It was a little pushy of you to insist that you go with them.  They have a right to spend time together without you once in a while.  Being pushy isn't going to get you what you want.... it will have the opposite effect.  They will start to resent you for not respecting their wishes and their time together.  Yes you are in a relationship with this man but that doesn't mean you have the right to interfere in everything.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think your feelings are quite understandable. The problem in my view is that your bf is immature. 

He said me being there will remind the kids that Bob and their mother are no longer together. Did he really say this? This thinking is positive idiotic. Like 3rd grade maturity. A divorce is NOT about “reminders" for the kids. Mom and dad ARE separated. That can hurt. That's genuine. He thinks having you on vacation will "remind" the kids that mom isn't there? For real?! Puh-lease! What level of maturity did this guy get stunted at? Like 15?

My question: are you sure this guy is mature enough to be in a relationship with you? And a step-family relationship with you? Yes, integrating a new partner into the life of a divorced family is hard. Almost always. Which makes doing gratuitously dumb things even more painful. 

BTW: I am assuming he will prioritize the kids, but if he wants love from you, he also needs to prioritize you--assuming you are kind and not a harmful presence around the kids. If you were mean, his job would be to not prioritize you or better yet, to dump you. But you don't seem mean at all. And prioritizing the kids doesn't mean you have to engage in fantasy-land thinking with the kids. 

How much has he reassured you about leaving you out of the trip? If he wants you in his life, he needs to pay close attention to you and not just dismiss your feelings in favor of the kids' feelings. On serious stuff you prioritize the kids. You don't help kids by prioritizing them in a stupid way.

If the kids are still in denial about the divorce, OK, I can see why he doesn't want you on the trip. Are they in denial? Has your bf kept them in some fantasy land of denial about their mom possibly returning? And is the 20-year-old psychologically fragile? That could change things.

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, lilibeth said:

I have been excluded from other important events in their lives in the past like their graduations because the ex will be there and he didn't want it to be awkward for the kids

That is some creative BS. You've been together 5 years, he and his ex have  moved on. Nowadays 50% of kids have divorced parents and deal with parents having gf & bf. 

I would let them go on their own and when he comes back I would have a conversation on what it means to be 100% in each other's life. By now you should have met the children's mother and be cordial with each other.

The very first time his 20 yo learn you were all going on that trip, if she had told him she prefered you don't come...would he have dropped you out? That's exactly what he's doing. 

[Lotsgoingon]

To build on Gaeta, yes, partners of divorced people are quite normal these days. It's not like our society has little experience with that situation. 

OP,  you are going to need to make sure this guy can parent in a way that includes you! You don't want to assume he really has that capacity. 

Also, there may be work you need to do with the 20-year-old to win her acceptance--that's up to you and I don't know the details of how and why the 20-year-old seems to not want you around. I work with young people from a range of family structures. Time after time, I've heard the young people I work with comment quite generously about a parent's new partner. Some will come out and say, "my dad is much happier with my step-mom" and so on. 

Now it could be that most of the time your bf will be fine and that there will also be times when he excludes you in ways that don't seem reasonable to you. Can you handle that?

Time for you to make a brutally honest assessment of the children and whether you can really win them over--and a brutally honest assessment of whether your partner is fully up to the task of skillfully managing what is for all intents and purposes a step family (I now you're married yet).  One of the smartest therapists I ever dealt with once said about step families that the step parent needs to basically "fall in love" with the children. You have to be brutally honest about how much you like them. 

[lilibeth]

22 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

To build on Gaeta, yes, partners of divorced people are quite normal these days. It's not like our society has little experience with that situation. 

OP,  you are going to need to make sure this guy can parent in a way that includes you! You don't want to assume he really has that capacity. 

Also, there may be work you need to do with the 20-year-old to win her acceptance--that's up to you and I don't know the details of how and why the 20-year-old seems to not want you around. I work with young people from a range of family structures. Time after time, I've heard the young people I work with comment quite generously about a parent's new partner. Some will come out and say, "my dad is much happier with my step-mom" and so on. 

Now it could be that most of the time your bf will be fine and that there will also be times when he excludes you in ways that don't seem reasonable to you. Can you handle that?

Time for you to make a brutally honest assessment of the children and whether you can really win them over--and a brutally honest assessment of whether your partner is fully up to the task of skillfully managing what is for all intents and purposes a step family (I now you're married yet).  One of the smartest therapists I ever dealt with once said about step families that the step parent needs to basically "fall in love" with the children. You have to be brutally honest about how much you like them. 

I love them because they are his kids. That's why I was excited to go on this trip - so that I can be closer to them. I tried explaining this to Bob. But now I need to understand that my feelings are not necessarily reciprocated and that it may never happen. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You love them because they are his kids. But look, lots of parents "love" their kids AND intensely dislike them.  Do you sense that they like you?

Five years is a lot of time--time enough for you to have already been accepted by the children. And your bf should have by now have figured out how to respect the kids and include you. 

Do you want to get married? What's taking so long? I'll guess an answer: it's your partner that has been going slow on marriage, not you. Just a guess. But I wonder ....

Edited June 28 by Lotsgoingon

[lilibeth]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You love them because they are his kids. But look, lots of parents "love" their kids AND intensely dislike them.  Do you sense that they like you?

Five years is a lot of time--time enough for you to have already been accepted by the children. And your bf should have by now have figured out how to respect the kids and include you. 

Do you want to get married? What's taking so long? I'll guess an answer: it's your partner that has been going slow on marriage, not you. Just a guess. But I wonder ....

We both do not want to get remarried. The younger one has said he loves me. The older one and I are friendly, but to be fair, we haven't spent much time together and I sense she feels an obligation to her mom. I know it takes time for relationships to build. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well you probably have to assume that sometimes your partner will get this wrong. And it's quite likely that the older kid (unless she's just plain mean) will open up as time goes by.