Fiance thinks I cheated. He's angry and hostile.

[Kayasol15]

My fiance (45m) and I (40f) have been together for 9 years. We have been through a lot lately. Our wedding was supposed to be in May 2024, but we decided to postpone until October. We moved to a new home and he also had a job change. This has caused a lot of stress. In addition, he had a falling out with my family so they are working on their relationship.
 

Last week I had an argument with him over my family. They only want the best for us, but he isn’t taking responsibility for his behavior. I insulted him after he became defensive and angry. He said he didn’t give a you know what about anyone and he never did anything wrong. After the argument he slept in another bedroom. I got up the next morning and his comments kept ringing in my head. I was triggered that he wasn’t taking accountability. I decided to take some space. I didn’t want to get my parents involved, so I slept in a hotel for 3 days. In that time, he was raging at me, sending me very angry text messages.

 

Finally on Sunday he calls my mom. I’m not sure for what because it accomplished nothing. I told my mom everything. Even though I didn’t want to get them involved, I am now staying with my parents. He is convinced I created the fight to go cheat on him. The logic is concerning. None of it makes sense. There’s no reason why I would do that. We have been working so hard on the relationship with our therapist. He completely dismissed my reasons and the argument. It’s all about what his conclusions are. All the work we’ve done is down the drain. His emotions have taken over and the importance of harmony is not a priority right now. 

He’s so angry. He’s not calming down. It’s been a week of this. He’s saying the relationship is over. He’s not communicating or being rational. Everytime he does communicate it’s just anger. I don’t know what to do. I just resort to distancing myself more and more. I don’t understand why he’s doing this. More so, I don’t know what to do. 

Edited June 27 by Kayasol15
Added age and gender.

[Gaeta]

You know what to do, you just don't accept reality. This man is toxic and it's time to let him go. 

Working hard on the relationship with someone like him is useless. He has deep issues like anger, control, manipulation.

When he says the relationship is over it's a blessing in disguise, take it and run with it.

I suggest you have alone visits with the therapist to figure out why you want to run back to someone like this.

Don't your family tell you how crazy this is!!

[basil67]

I agree this is a blessing in disguise.  Married life with this man would be hell 😫

If you end things permanently, do you think you will be at risk?  Please start taking notes of any threats in case you need to engage the police

[Kayasol15]

I don’t feel I will be at risk. I don’t feel unsafe or anything like that. I felt very uncomfortable when I was staying in the hotel because I knew I was not being honest with my parents and I didn’t want them to get involved. I didn’t feel good about being dishonest, but I was protecting them from worrying about us. They’ve been through enough. I honestly thought I’d go to the hotel, take some space, give him some space, and then we’d be able to talk about things. That didn’t happen. Here we are a week later and things are not getting any better.

I just can’t wrap my head around how he can be so convinced that I am cheating just because I didn’t come home. I feel like if the situation was reversed, I’d be upset he was avoiding but I’d listen, communicate, and be solution based. Carrying on with this for this amount of time without any indication of resolve doesn’t make sense  

I met with him at my office yesterday in the parking lot. He brought my laptop. He asked me to come to our home to talk because my employees were looking at him. I declined. We left and then I received another text message about dropping off belongings. 
 

I’m not afraid to walk away, just taking a bit to understand what is going on here because it’s not like him. He would normally do everything in his power to sort out problems as quickly as possible. He’s convinced I am cheating so he is threatening to end the relationship. If that is what we are going to do, then I will accept that. I can’t deal with this treatment day after day much longer. 

 

Edited June 27 by Kayasol15

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, Kayasol15 said:

I just can’t wrap my head around how he can be so convinced that I am cheating just because I didn’t come home

This is a diversion, pure and simple. 

He doesn't want to look at his wrong doing so he turns the table on you with this ' you're cheating '. It's, again, another way to not take accountability for his wrong doing. Do you see this man does not want to get married? You've got big relationship issues big enough to end up in therapy, you've got to delay the wedding and now this big blow out. You are in a relationship with an emotionally immature man that does not want to get married.

You are 40 yo. It's time for you to clean your house as we say. This is the type of relationship 20 yo something endure because they have little experience and don't know who they are yet. 

Do not 'go to the house' to talk. Listen, half the women ending up on the 6 o'clock news that have been assaulted or killed by their bf/ex, were just supposed to drop by to pick up their stuff. If you need to get your things then bring someone with you. 

With his He’s so angry. He’s not calming down. It’s been a week of this. He lost his privilege to be alone with you. 

Edited June 27 by Gaeta

[Gebidozo]

OP, judging purely from your description, the man is toxic and you’re lucky if this relationship ends.

However, I feel that some context is missing. What exactly are the problems between your fiancé and your parents? Could you please provide as much detail as possible?

[semble]

Do you jointly own the home? If so you need to start thinking about the legal aspects that go along with voluntarily moving out.

 

 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like he's pushing you away and "turned against you" internally for whatever reasons, unfortunately.  He may be having a mental breakdown due to stress or similar.

There's a chance he might come to his senses, but in all honesty I think it's slim if he's called for a break up. Part of this may be that folks are "pushing his buttons" by projecting their own situations or assumptions on to yours, e.g. his friends or other folks he talks to or in online forums.

The fact that you've been going to couple's counseling suggests that things have been rocky for a while, and this may be the culmination of that.

Sorry you are going through this.

Edited June 30 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

He's probably the one who is cheating and projecting it on you.  If you have to go through relationship counseling before you're even married, forget it.  It's different if you're trying to keep a marriage together and want to fight for it.  Sounds like something or someone has made him change his mind about the marriage.

[BaileyB]

On 6/27/2024 at 2:59 AM, Kayasol15 said:

I don’t know what to do. 

Don’t marry this man. 

Healthy relationships don’t have this kind of conflict. He is not a good or healthy partner for you right now, definitely don’t marry this man. 

[Els]

On 6/27/2024 at 6:59 PM, Kayasol15 said:

In addition, he had a falling out with my family so they are working on their relationship.
 

Last week I had an argument with him over my family. They only want the best for us, but he isn’t taking responsibility for his behavior. I insulted him after he became defensive and angry. He said he didn’t give a you know what about anyone and he never did anything wrong. After the argument he slept in another bedroom. I got up the next morning and his comments kept ringing in my head. I was triggered that he wasn’t taking accountability.

What exactly happened between your family and him, and why do you think he needs to "take responsibility" for it? What exactly did you say when you "insulted him"? Why was the wedding postponed and who asked to postpone it?

Sorry, but the whole situation just sounds really vague to me, so it's difficult to offer any advice. Just based on what you've said, it does seem like he has anger issues and you would be better off without him. However, it really sounds like there's a lot lying under the surface that we don't know anything about.

[1HappyGoLucky]

I'm sorry that you're going through this rollercoaster right now.

I think you need to step back and reassess whether this relationship is one you want to move forward with.

I can understand that your partner is hurt that you took off for 3 days without communication, in the midst of a tough time for your relationship. I can also understand the need for space from an aggressive and accusatory situation.

If it were me, and if I wanted to continue the relationship, I'd be very clear in my communication to him on why you needed space, and what you were doing in that time. I would let him know that if you need space like that again, you will better communicate what is happening, so it doesn't leave him thinking the worst.

Asking your partner to recognise that his behaviour is irrational and destructive is also important. Whilst you want the relationship to continue, it cannot without trust, and if something that is not based in reality is going to be a continued issue, then the relationship cannot move forward.