My wife is leaving me

[ecprior89]

My wife and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. We have 2 girls, 6 and 2. My wife has always been very insecure, has depression, anxiety, body confidence issues, the lot. 2 months ago she told me she wasn't happy, that it wasn't the same anymore and she wanted to separate. I was devastated but agreed to move out to give her her space. It lasted 2 days, our eldest took it so hard the wife broke down and asked me to stay and promised we would work hard to get back what we had. Since then she has been having an affair. Her affair partner she has known for no longer than 4 months, since they started working together. I believe nothing happend until after we tried to separate 2 months ago but her feelings for him was the driving force of why she wanted to get away from me. So for the last 2 months I've been trying hard to work on our marriage, which she has acknowledged, but she kept saying her feelings hadn't changed, she still loved me, but as a friend, not as a wife should love a husband, she says she is no longer attracted to me and is frustrated that I haven't gotten help with my own anxiety and issues when she asked me to. When I discovered the affair she told me she needed to end things with me and him so she could be on her own and be her own person. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then I have begged her to give our marriage another go, that I really would change this time, and I mean it, my eyes have been opened. I shouldnt have let things get this bad granted. But now she tells me she loves her affair partner and she sees a future with him. He is also in a relationship but has continuously not broken it off with her, apparently he has now set a date. From what little I know of him he is 7 years her junior, his pride and joy is his boy racer car and likes to spend the weekends going to car shows. A far cry from my wife who enjoys days out with the kids and crotcheting. From what little I know of their affair it revolves around her sending him endless selfies and dirty pictures, they have had sex at work on her desk and messed around in the office. They regularly meet up on the way home from work in the forest under the guise of going for a run but actually have sex in the car. From my perspective, and I've read up so much on the internet, she felt things were missing from our marriage, kids and day to day life take so much of our lives up and lead to us neglecting each other. But from my perspective she's found that in her affair partner, the thrill and excitement of having an affair and sneaking around, she's caught up in a fog. She insists they really do love each other, but in a relationship that's only been going 3 months and is based on deception I feel she's completely clouded her mind. Am I just being hopeful or is her affair doomed to fail? She tells me she's worried she's making a mistake, she doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't know what will happen in the future. Is there any hope that we will rekindle our marriage?

[ecprior89]

My wife and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. We have 2 girls, 6 and 2. My wife has always been very insecure, has depression, anxiety, body confidence issues, the lot. 2 months ago she told me she wasn't happy, that it wasn't the same anymore and she wanted to separate. I was devastated but agreed to move out to give her her space. It lasted 2 days, our eldest took it so hard the wife broke down and asked me to stay and promised we would work hard to get back what we had. Since then she has been having an affair. Her affair partner she has known for no longer than 4 months, since they started working together. I believe nothing happend until after we tried to separate 2 months ago but her feelings for him was the driving force of why she wanted to get away from me. So for the last 2 months I've been trying hard to work on our marriage, which she has acknowledged, but she kept saying her feelings hadn't changed, she still loved me, but as a friend, not as a wife should love a husband, she says she is no longer attracted to me and is frustrated that I haven't gotten help with my own anxiety and issues when she asked me to. When I discovered the affair she told me she needed to end things with me and him so she could be on her own and be her own person. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then I have begged her to give our marriage another go, that I really would change this time, and I mean it, my eyes have been opened. I shouldnt have let things get this bad granted. But now she tells me she loves her affair partner and she sees a future with him. He is also in a relationship but has continuously not broken it off with her, apparently he has now set a date. From what little I know of him he is 7 years her junior, his pride and joy is his boy racer car and likes to spend the weekends going to car shows. A far cry from my wife who enjoys days out with the kids and crotcheting. From what little I know of their affair it revolves around her sending him endless selfies and dirty pictures, they have had sex at work on her desk and messed around in the office. They regularly meet up on the way home from work in the forest under the guise of going for a run but actually have sex in the car. From my perspective, and I've read up so much on the internet, she felt things were missing from our marriage, kids and day to day life take so much of our lives up and lead to us neglecting each other. But from my perspective she's found that in her affair partner, the thrill and excitement of having an affair and sneaking around, she's caught up in a fog. She insists they really do love each other, but in a relationship that's only been going 3 months and is based on deception I feel she's completely clouded her mind. Am I just being hopeful or is her affair doomed to fail? She tells me she's worried she's making a mistake, she doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't know what will happen in the future. Is there any hope that we will rekindle our marriage?

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, ecprior89 said:

Is there any hope that we will rekindle our marriage?

Why would you want to? Do you want to be with someone that isn’t attracted to you? 

[ecprior89]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why would you want to? Do you want to be with someone that isn’t attracted to you? 

We've both admitted that we haven't prioritised each other for a long time, like I said, 2 young kids and the day to day get in the way and we're both to blame for that. But I still love her, I still want to have a happy stable home for our 2 kids. I feel like all we've done is lost that spark, don't get me wrong, we still had sex, and it was fantastic, just not often enough. I don't think it would take much to find that again, but she's not interested while she's with this other guy

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, ecprior89 said:

I don't think it would take much to find that again, but she's not interested while she's with this other guy

I think then, you need to start divorce proceedings. The only way she’ll gain any respect for you is for you to be fine with ending the relationship. Get your ducks in a row. See a lawyer. She might then realize how foolish she’s being. But she also might not and really choose the new guy over her family. Either way, making sure you’re on track with the divorce will be in your best interests.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ecprior89 said:

Am I just being hopeful or is her affair doomed to fail?

You’re just being hopeful. And you shouldn’t. As hard as it is to admit, your wife wants another man now. All you can do is walk away. 

1 hour ago, ecprior89 said:

She tells me she's worried she's making a mistake, she doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't know what will happen in the future.

Nobody knows what will happen in the future. What’s happening in the present, however, is something incompatible with marriage. She has feelings for another man and she is with him. Regardless of whether their relationship ends in a horrible crash or in a happy second marriage, your relationship with your wife is currently unhealthy. I agree that divorce is the least terrible option here.

[semble]

This is one of the most cringeworthy posts I've read in a long time.

Wife wants space so you get up and leave. Wife has an affair and wants to divorce and you beg her to give you another chance.

Dude, desperation is unattractive, and not only does it send your remaining self respect and self confidence down the sewer pipe but it virtually eliminates any chance whatsoever that your wife will consider reconciling because women instinctively are drawn towards strong, independent, protective men not sniveling weaklings.

 

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, semble said:

This is one of the most cringeworthy posts I've read in a long time.

Wife wants space so you get up and leave. Wife has an affair and wants to divorce and you beg her to give you another chance.

Dude, desperation is unattractive, and not only does it send your remaining self respect and self confidence down the sewer pipe but it virtually eliminates any chance whatsoever that your wife will consider reconciling because women instinctively are drawn towards strong, independent, protective men not sniveling weaklings.

 

That was harsh, but I totally agree.

[Lotsgoingon]

From what little I know of him he is 7 years her junior, his pride and joy is his boy racer car and likes to spend the weekends going to car shows. A far cry from my wife who enjoys days out with the kids and crocheting.

Dude, your wife likes more than days with the kids and crocheting.  Start there. Don't be fooled. You're portraying her as someone out of a fantasy 1950s sitcom. She has a dark side and a  sexy side--maybe those were suppressed and hidden but those sides are there.

She has been depressed and insecure and had deep body insecurities. Sounds to me like she needs to do some work on herself. I'm not sure why you want to be with her still. There are horrible marriages that indeed can be improved--but it's hard to see that path here. I do think your wife is rebelling against your sense (maybe society's sense and her own sense) that she should be asexual and all Madonna motherly. There is possibly some good news but she needs to own her rebellion and bring it into the marriage with you. 

But you need to stop taking care of her and trying to fix her and all that. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ecprior89 said:

Is there any hope that we will rekindle our marriage?

Not if your wife is pursuing a relationship with another man.

You can work on your marriage all you want, and you can be the best partner that she could ever hope to have, but it means nothing if your wife has turned away from your marriage. 

To be very honest, your wife sounds like she doesn’t know if she is coming or going right now - to quote one of my mother’s favorite phrases. She is messed up, she doesn’t know what she wants, and unfortunately - the people who are icking up the tab for her poor decision making are you and your children. 

As sad as it is, if it was my marriage it would be over. I’m not interested in being in a relationship with another who tells me they don’t love me, they don’t find me attractive, and they don’t want to be in a. Relationship with me. She could change her mind and beg me to give her another chance and it wouldn’t matter in any way - she has already proven that she is making decisions based on her own best interest and as her husband, the father of her children, I would have a HUGE problems with that. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ecprior89 said:

We've both admitted that we haven't prioritised each other for a long time, like I said, 2 young kids and the day to day get in the way and we're both to blame for that.

You and everyone else trying to work a job, pay the rent, and raise young children. It’s no excuse for her decision to have an affair.
 

4 hours ago, ecprior89 said:

But I still love her, I still want to have a happy stable home for our 2 kids.

Very sadly, your wife doesn’t feel the same way…
 

4 hours ago, ecprior89 said:

I feel like all we've done is lost that spark, don't get me wrong, we still had sex, and it was fantastic, just not often enough. I don't think it would take much to find that again.

I think you are not acknowledging that it’s a lot more complicated than this for your wife. She’s got a lot more going on, and a lot more that she needs to deal with in counselling before she is able to be a trustworthy and safe partner for you again. 

Your wife is walking her own path right now… because of this, you need to make decisions based on your own best interest, and more importantly - the best interest of your children. Neither you or your wife are helping your children at this time if she comes and goes from the home/marriage. That is very confusing and can be traumatizing for children. If she is not sure what she wants - you need to make the decision. You need to find the self respect to tell her that you will not accept this kind of uncertainty and disrespect - for yourself, and for your children. 
 

Edited June 27 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

People change over time. At this point in time, your wife is out of control and "all over the place" mentally, emotionally, etc.

Her affair may well be doomed to failure but, assuming you separate, that DOESN'T mean you should be interested in taking her back. People tend not to regain respect for someone they can "walk all over" at will. While I'm decidedly NOT a big fan of red pill thought patterns, as with most of these things there's some truth to some of it some of the time. Consider whether you may be a "beta buck". (And be careful when researching that online, you don't want to end up a deranged conspiracy theorist.)

At any rate, life has given you lemons. It might be time to start thinking about how to make lemonade.

Edit: oh yes, and you can consider researching "the 180" as it pertains to divorce situations as well. It's a good bit of applied cognitive behavioral therapy for folks in your situation.

Edited June 27 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

After reading your opening post OP I can't believe you still want your cheating wife after the way she's been giving herself to this younger guy anywhere, anytime and however he wants it.  Has she ever done that for you?  She's disgusting.  How can you look at her?  I would be down at the divorce attorneys office rather than on this board if I were you.

[semble]

On 6/28/2024 at 12:46 AM, stillafool said:

  I would be down at the divorce attorneys office rather than on this board if I were you.

I suspect once he's able to detach and accept reality he will do exactly that. Right now he's in the shock and awe stage and at some level of disbelief, you know that feeling when you've had a major trauma in your life and you wake up in the morning and for about 20 seconds you forget it ever happened then reality smacks you in the face.

[basil67]

On 6/27/2024 at 9:23 PM, ecprior89 said:

. From what little I know of their affair it revolves around her sending him endless selfies and dirty pictures, they have had sex at work on her desk and messed around in the office. They regularly meet up on the way home from work in the forest under the guise of going for a run but actually have sex in the car.

And how exactly do you know this? 🙄

[mark clemson]

^^ Good point. That's not "little", it actually sounds like a lot more than many BS's ever get, even after the divorce is final.

[pasa001]

Look up the 180, apply its principles, and detach from your wife immediately. Only talk to her about your children and their needs. She needs to wake up. Begging her to return to the marriage will only push her further away. Be strong. I'm sorry you find yourself in this mess. File for divorce and wake her up from her fantasy of love.

[SEASON_WINTER]

She said she is not attracted to you. This is a very harsh sentence and it is a wake up call for you. You can’t bear to let go 9 years relationship and everyone can under stand this. however, you have to think in your best interest, have a clear mind. 
 

[1HappyGoLucky]

You're wife misses her life before kids and marriage. Once having children, there is no way back. It's traumatic and life changing in the best and worst ways. You do not deserve the brunt of her frustration.

You and your children deserve a supportive loving stable person in your lives. 

You are so focused on making things work for her, you have forgotten that things have to work for you and your children as well.

I think you need to separate, work on yourself and supporting your kids and stop putting all your time and energy into someone that is trying to make others responsible for their behaviour.

You are not responsible for or capable of helping your partner work through her emotions here. You can only make good choices for yourself and your children's future for the sake of stability (being away from an unstable partner) and for building a future you do want, with someone emotionally capable of providing a healthy stable relationship.