Am I wrong ?

[Kittens208]

Okay , so if you have read my previous  story you would know that i was in a relationship with my child’s father and we broke up and stuff like that , but we came to an agreement that we wanted to try it again so we did that. but now our relationship is spiraling again mainly for money reasons i guess you can say. he kinda pays everything. i make money and he knows i make money and when bills and things of that sort come up and need to be paid, he gets frustrated and he never asks me to contribute or even if i’m trying to contribute he tells me “ no i can pay it “ so i don’t worry about it since he says he doesn’t need help. He goes to work every day and makes salary, we stay in a 2 bedroom apartment.  When we initially moved together he was paying all the bills and i wasn’t paying anything but now he’s added things to his life that he cannot afford like paying car notes for 2 cars , taking out several loans and paying them back , just things of that nature and so he’s overwhelmed i guess you can say but these are things he’s done over the course of the years .. we have been together for really 7 years overall , we are both 26 now. I get food stamps and stuff like that but as far as paying anything he acts too prideful like he doesn’t want me to help and then when things are hittin him and he doesn’t have money left to do anything he takes it out on me … he’s terrible with his expenses . i am not the best but i don’t spend my money and waste large amounts like he does and he doesn’t listen to me. so now he’s so frustrated that now he wants to split up since he says he doesn’t have any help but it’s not like i’m not trying to contribute. He says hed rather “ struggle by himself “ and he’s ready to move on . the lease is up in november and he says he will be moving by himself , mind you , our daughter lives with us and she is 5 years old …  he is just giving up on his family and basically throwing us to the side because he cannot cope with his financial struggles and i’m tired of trying to tell him if he needs help to just ask me for help . when i offer , he tells me no he doesn’t want to take any money from me. he’s been giving me the silent treatment for some days now and says he is not talking to me until november. we have been sleeping in separate rooms. It is very exhausting living with someone who takes all of their problems out on me when i have not did anything but offer my help in the best way that i can. I have a custody court case open currently with my son so he is not in the house with us, right now ,and i’ve been going through it with that and have nobody else to really talk to about that situation and he’s always ignoring me so i’m left always crying because i don’t have anyone there for me even tho he knows i am going through these things as well. my son is not his child, my son has a different father that is incarcerated and has been since he was 1 years old, my son is currently 8. but that court situation is a whole different story . But abandoning his family for financial reasons is weird to me , idk it makes me regret giving him a second chance or even trying to fix the relationship. let me know y’all thoughts on this ? 

Edited June 27 by Kittens208
missed some things

[stillafool]

Why don't you get a job and just start paying half the bills without asking?

Edited June 27 by stillafool

[Kittens208]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Why don't you get a job?

i have a job i own a business! and have had this business for a minute and it’s going great i work from home .. he doesn’t want to ask for help even tho i am able to help him . he just turns my help down 

[stillafool]

Well don't ask him if he needs help. You see when the electric bill or gas bill comes in the mail, just pay it for him.  Don't ask, just do.

[stillafool]

Do you buy the groceries?  If not, start paying for that too.  His pride won't let him ask you for money, so don't put him in that position.  Just do it.

[Kittens208]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why don't you get a job and just start paying half the bills without asking?

 

 

Just now, stillafool said:

Do you buy the groceries?  If not, start paying for that too.  His pride won't let him ask you for money, so don't put him in that position.  Just do it.

I do pay our phone bills and i do provide the groceries . i always have done that , but it still doesn’t make sense to me how he makes almost 90k a year and not using his money correctly.  i’m not saying i shouldn’t help him but he pays for things he doesn’t need and then he complains later when he doesn’t have money for a bill and takes his anger out on me and our relationship. 

[NuevoYorko]

23 minutes ago, Kittens208 said:

i have a job i own a business! and have had this business for a minute and it’s going great i work from home .. he doesn’t want to ask for help even tho i am able to help him . he just turns my help down 

Why are you getting food stamps if you have a job / own a business?   That seems sketchy.  Between this and not taking a strong position on part of your financial responsibility for the household gives the impression that you might be a bit of a "taker."  Is this the case?

You are behaving in a very immature fashion about finances.  Both of you - but this is you posting so I am talking about you:

YOU need to contribute financially to your household without being "asked."   The two of you are adults with a child.  You need to make a plan TOGETHER to share financial responsibilities.   

If you are unable to do this then you really are not in a position to be in a relationship with each other.  

As for you personally, if you are not willing or able to work this out with your boyfriend,  you'd be better off on your own and paying for ALL the expenses of life by yourself.  Then you could learn what that kind of financial responsibility is like.  It's an important lesson to learn.

 

[Kittens208]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why are you getting food stamps if you have a job / own a business?   That seems sketchy.  Between this and not taking a strong position on part of your financial responsibility for the household gives the impression that you might be a bit of a "taker."  Is this the case?

You are behaving in a very immature fashion about finances.  Both of you - but this is you posting so I am talking about you:

YOU need to contribute financially to your household without being "asked."   The two of you are adults with a child.  You need to make a plan TOGETHER to share financial responsibilities.   

If you are unable to do this then you really are not in a position to be in a relationship with each other.  

As for you personally, if you are not willing or able to work this out with your boyfriend,  you'd be better off on your own and paying for ALL the expenses of life by yourself.  Then you could learn what that kind of financial responsibility is like.  It's an important lesson to learn.

 

In the state of ga , even if you have a job you can still qualify for food stamps so there’s nothing sketchy about that.. it doesn’t matter if i’m working , I have 2 kids so i was eligible to get food stamps . and how is that immature , i stay in an apartment with him , i just help him pay things like his car note , our phone bill and i pay for groceries. I have bills and i help the best i can but he makes so much more money than me . so with my name not being on the lease at all , he has to let me know when bills are due. and he doesn’t let me know but when i ask him is there something that needs to be paid he tells me no he got it  and not to worry about it even when i’m trying to help, so there’s no way i can “ go around “  and not “ ask “ to pay anything. it isn’t set up like that. 

[Kittens208]

1 minute ago, Kittens208 said:

In the state of ga , even if you have a job you can still qualify for food stamps so there’s nothing sketchy about that.. it doesn’t matter if i’m working , I have 2 kids so i was eligible to get food stamps . and how is that immature , i stay in an apartment with him , i just help him pay things like his car note , our phone bill and i pay for groceries. I have bills and i help the best i can but he makes so much more money than me . so with my name not being on the lease at all , he has to let me know when bills are due. and he doesn’t let me know but when i ask him is there something that needs to be paid he tells me no he got it  and not to worry about it even when i’m trying to help, so there’s no way i can “ go around “  and not “ ask “ to pay anything. it isn’t set up like that. 

To say i’m “ taking “when my name isn’t even on the lease at all is crazy if anything i’m giving 

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

In the state of ga , even if you have a job you can still qualify for food stamps so there’s nothing sketchy about that.. it doesn’t matter if i’m working , I have 2 kids so i was eligible to get food stamps .

According to your original post, your daughter is also the child of your boyfriend or whatever he is.   And the 3 of you live together.  The maximum household income for 3 people in GA allowed to qualify for SNAP is $33, 566.  

You said your bf - father of your daughter - earns $90,000.  And you "have money" and own a business.

You also said in your OP that your son is not living with you because of custody issues.   So you should not be getting assistance to feed him.  In any case, even if he lived with the you, your bf and your daughter, you'd still be bringing in more than the maximum allowed for a household of 4 people to qualify for SNAP in your state ($40, 560)

So, yes, sketchy.  On the part of both you and the bf.   He's supposed to be supporting his own child, along with you, rather than allowing you to get food stamps and "stuff like that" (which sounds like you're on other welfare programs as well)  while he buys cars or whatever.  

5 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

 

and how is that immature , i stay in an apartment with him , i just help him pay things like his car note , our phone bill and i pay for groceries. I have bills and i help the best i can but he makes so much more money than me . so with my name not being on the lease at all , he has to let me know when bills are due. and he doesn’t let me know but when i ask him is there something that needs to be paid he tells me no he got it  and not to worry about it even when i’m trying to help, so there’s no way i can “ go around “  and not “ ask “ to pay anything. it isn’t set up like that. 

As I said, it's immature to be living this way.  The two of you would talk about how to handle finances appropriately and do that, if you wanted to be "living right."  And get off the food stamps, of course.   

In any case, it sounds like he's done with you.  Ready to move on.   

What's your plan?

[NuevoYorko]

I looked at your past threads.  I'm sorry that I came down on you hard.  I believe you are in a tough situation.  The only way to improve on the state of affairs is to be realistic and take a good honest and straightforward look at the problems you have that you need to resolve.  You're trying to hold your life and the lives of your kids - especially the one who lives with you - together by a thread.   

Your boyfriend is not in it with you for the long haul, if you've been fully honest in your posts.   He should be supporting his child and you probably should be figuring out how to make it without him.   You are 26 years old and the mother of two kids.  

Is your son still with your parents?   

What's going on with your heart condition?

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

In the state of ga , even if you have a job you can still qualify for food stamps so there’s nothing sketchy about that.. it doesn’t matter if i’m working , I have 2 kids so i was eligible to get food stamps . and how is that immature , i stay in an apartment with him , i just help him pay things like his car note , our phone bill and i pay for groceries. I have bills and i help the best i can but he makes so much more money than me . so with my name not being on the lease at all , he has to let me know when bills are due. and he doesn’t let me know but when i ask him is there something that needs to be paid he tells me no he got it  and not to worry about it even when i’m trying to help, so there’s no way i can “ go around “  and not “ ask “ to pay anything. it isn’t set up like that. 

So if you're helping him with his car note, paying the phone bill and buying the groceries what do you mean by he won't accept your financial help?  Then you go on to say you have your own bills to pay, so there must not be much left over so you can help.  You mean to tell me you have no idea when the rent is due?  It's the 1st of each month.  

[Kittens208]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So if you're helping him with his car note, paying the phone bill and buying the groceries what do you mean by he won't accept your financial help?  Then you go on to say you have your own bills to pay, so there must not be much left over so you can help.  You mean to tell me you have no idea when the rent is due?  It's the 1st of each month.  

that’s what he doesn’t want me to help with. he gets mad at me when i try.  usually he pays the rent and i don’t really have to help because he’s got it covered it’s always been that way since we first moved together he never wanted me paying anything. even when we first moved together he wouldn’t accept money from me or he would always view it as a issue if i was trying to help him pay anything. but lately he’s been needing help to pay it since bills are higher and rent went up. and so i’d try to give him my portion to help pay the rent and he would always tell me to just keep it. he usually only pays that alone. His car note sometimes i help pay it , but majority of the time he doesn’t want me to help him pay anything even knowing he needs the help, and i don’t mind helping him it’s just that when i try to pay it he gets mad or frustrated with me that i’m trying to help with certain bills ,. our phone bills and half of his car note is what i help him pay. when it comes to rent it’s what he doesn’t want me to contribute anything to but that’s what he needs help with the most . he always tells me that he “ doesn’t feel right taking money from me  all the time “  so when i am trying to help with rent , he is always getting angry with me that i’m trying to help. then he takes his frustration out on me . the other bills i have to pay is my car note and my insurance 

[NuevoYorko]

10 minutes ago, Kittens208 said:

that’s what he doesn’t want me to help with. he gets mad at me when i try.  

And, again:  This is not how adults behave and not how functioning adult relationships work.   You have expenses, you are getting welfare, he makes $90,000 per year, he is mad, you don't bother "adulting" because it makes him mad ...  This is ridiculous.   

You do not need to have your entire financial life hinged on whether he's gonna be "mad" if you try to pull your weight.

But maybe this is all beside the point because he said he's "moving on" now, and you've said that he always has a bunch of stuff going on with other women.  

So you better get to CPS and figure out how to file for child support and how you're going to be responsible for yourself and your daughter.  Maybe your son too.

[IrinaM]

You and your bf are supposedly running a household together. Yet the way you two are dealing with normal monthly bills and finances reminds me of the dialogue of a party of ten at Olive Garden when the waitress drops the tab on the table. Totally disorganized and chaotic. It sounds exhausting. No organized system in place, just wait till a bill shows up. You don't pay any rent, but you "help" him with his car note? That doesn't make a lot of sense. You don't seem to use any hard numbers or percentages ("we split that bill 50/50" or "I contribute 400 towards the rent") just a lot of "I helped with..." and "I offered to..." Vague and noncommittal. You say he won't let you contribute, but then you also claim that you do in fact contribute. And I don't think it's because you're trying to be deceptive, I think it's just a symptom of this chaotic informal undefined living situation. How can you live with someone and have no idea what you each contribute?

Fwiw, I likely have more traditional values than most. I have no issue with SAHM agreements where the man pays for everything. The difference is, that needs to be an agreement that is mutually beneficial to both parties and agreed upon by both parties. It seems the two of you have no working agreements in place.

Also- I agree with a PP, your household makes too much money for govt assistance. You know this.

[MsJayne]

Why is he paying car notes, (car loan repayments?), for two cars? And why is he taking out "several loans" and paying them back? If you're offering to pay for half of everything and he's saying, "No, I'll take care of it", what he's really saying is, "If I let you contribute half then that makes you my equal, and I don't want that", and it kinda becomes about his ego. Instead of offering him money maybe you should start saving like mad so you can afford a place for you and your kids when November comes around.

[Kittens208]

2 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Why is he paying car notes, (car loan repayments?), for two cars? And why is he taking out "several loans" and paying them back? If you're offering to pay for half of everything and he's saying, "No, I'll take care of it", what he's really saying is, "If I let you contribute half then that makes you my equal, and I don't want that", and it kinda becomes about his ego. Instead of offering him money maybe you should start saving like mad so you can afford a place for you and your kids when November comes around.

because he has tried to start several businesses and was taking out loans and now he owes a lot back so they are garnishing his checks which is why he is frustrated now.. all those decisions he made with his money is why he is like he is today. and he is too prideful he doesn’t want to accept my help, when i try to help we often just get into arguments about things because he feels some type of way if i am equally contributing money, and yeah i have been saving  

[IrinaM]

33 minutes ago, Kittens208 said:

because he has tried to start several businesses

Are you both self-employed? Does he make a salary or hourly wage paid by an outside source (private company, government agency, etc)? Or does he make money with these various businesses?