Need to change jobs now After a 30+ minute engaging conversation, a female colleague reported me to HR afterwards

[Iknownothing]

Today I engaged in a conversation with a female at our company event for 30+ minutes, in a well lit area with 4+ people within earshot, and 50+ nearby

I had seen this person here and there for 1 year , but today was the first and only time we talked. 

I waved at her and asked her a question about her job

She voluntarily answered and then she talked about her past fitness experience, career goals, past relationships, music and animals interests and life in general, i asked follow up questions and participated in what I thought was a fun engage talk. 

Several times i thanked her for her honesty and candidness and being so cool. I made zero comments about her physique or appearance 

Later I was told by HR " a person" reported me for inappropriate conversation. 

At no point did she verbalize reluctance to talk about anything, and she maintained direct eye contact and I thought it was a phenomenal 2 way conversation. I offered her a high five several times when she spoke about wins, ( and she hive fived me) and we shook hands twice. 

I personally did not see non-verbal cues, + we talked for 30+ minutes. + I even introduced her to 2 other female colleagues in a group of 4 and we stood around and talked a bit more until she said she had to leave. 

Clearly I missed something,  Why didn't she just leave if she didn't like the conversation or me?  

I generally only talk to males conversationally because there is almost no chance of anything i say to be mis-interpreted.  Regret taking a chance to talk to this female.

 

[basil67]

I can't really give feedback because I didn't hear the conversation or her side of the story.  I do think that multiple high fives were a bit much....but also not reportable.  I do find it odd that you're hyper aware of talking to women for fear of being reported and the one time you do have that conversation you get reported.  Neither of these things make sense.

Anyway, did HR ask you for your side of the conversation?  Did they listen?  Are they going to take action or let it go?

Edited June 27, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Are you being terminated because of this?  I don't think that would be likely.   Do you feel like you need to look for a new job because you're embarrassed?  

Your post gives the impression that you have had some similar issues before; otherwise why do you feel like it's only safe to talk with other men?   Are you aware that you miss "non verbal cues" sometimes?

[BaileyB]

I think anytime you ever I to past relationships, interests, and life outside work the conversation becomes personal - not work related. I agree, multiple high fives is not particularly appropriate given that this is a work colleague that you do not know. 

That said, based on what you have shared, I would not have reported anything to HR. The fact that she did may signify that she felt pressured by what you thought was a mutually engaging conversation…

I wouldn’t say that this is a reason to find a new job as much as a potential for learning… it’s important that you try to understand her perception of the interaction before you dismiss her concern.

I’m sorry that this has happened, I will you well in the future. 

Edited June 27, 2024 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

How do you know it was this girl that went to HR and not someone else?

[Gaeta]

What  makes you think it's her? You may have exchanged 2 words with another woman and she jumped the gun and reported you. Did you ask HR what exactly was innapropriate in the conversation?

[Mrin]

Dude here. This is so weird. I have completely off the rails conversations with women colleagues all the time. Have never had anything reported to HR (or anyone else for that matter). Now granted, the women with whom I am bantering are typically close-ish work colleagues and fairly senior in their positions. 

Honestly, as you reflect on this perhaps focus less on about what you said and more about how you said it. Body language, eye contact and proximity oftentimes matters more... 

[smackie9]

When these complaints arise, you should be told what was the actual conversation that took place that was inappropriate. HR is just a mediator between two parties. They should be investigating both sides and talking to other staff member that may have been present. If you are very confused, and none of this makes sense, you better fight it.

A female friend of mine was accused by another female coworker of causing her distress over an off colour joke and wanted to sue. Well it turns out this employee had a past of trying to sue people over silly stuff...and has mental illness...cuckoo for coco puffs. S&*^ disturber. 

[Sony12]

You have to be extremely careful with how you engage in social conversations with people in the work place as businesses generally have a zero tolerance policy for harassment and everyone has their own interpretations over what is crossing the lines and what isn't. Some enjoy getting to know coworkers and perhaps occasionally flirting with them a bit at times and others don't feel comfortable with that type of interaction with coworker at all. 

In this situation the High five's were probably a little much and talking to her for half an hour was a little much. It's better to make communication with coworkers short until they make it clear they want more than that.

I have gotten involved with coworkers in the past and I developed the policy that they are the ones who are going to do the asking. Flirting with coworkers the way I flirt with ladies from match.com is something I am not going to do unless they pretty much tell me that they want to see me outside of the office.

You having a thirty minute flirting session with this lady while at work was a no no.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/28/2024 at 12:22 AM, Iknownothing said:

I generally only talk to males conversationally because there is almost no chance of anything i say to be mis-interpreted

We need to be mindful when we speak to people, yes, but to make a point of talking only to men suggests this is not the first time your words have been misinterpreted by a woman. Has this sort of thing happned before?

 

[semble]

I'm thinking it's the stuff you weren't aware of- you know those subconcious gestures, maybe you inadvertently brushed your hand against her, or she caught your eyes looking down her blouse, that sort of thing. Perhaps she was very uncomfortable the entire time but you were unable to pick up on it because you were so engrossed in the conversation, really attracted to her or you're "on the spectrum" which is characterized in part by being unable to properly interpret social signals when having verbal exchanges with others.

[Sony12]

Yep if this was the lady that reported you I imagine she spent most of the conversation trying to get away and you didn't pick up on the hints that she was wanting to end the conversation.

[ShyViolet]

30 minutes seems like a long time to keep a coworker engaged in a conversation while at work.  Maybe she didn't want to be in the conversation and would have preferred to get away, but you just kept talking and keeping her there.  Is that possible?

[basil67]

Meh...OP hasn't logged in since the day he made the thread