Dating When Moving Out of State

[kiwistwbry]

Looking for any feedback.

I met a guy on a dating app and things were going well for a month with weekly dates. First date he mentioned looking at houses in Washington State where we live. Third date he mentioned looking at houses in Texas where he’s originally from. He’s 46 and has been in Washington State for 25 years. I’m 38 and it’s been 13 years for me.

He said if he moved it wouldn’t be for at least another year because he just signed a one year lease for his place. I was a bit confused but didn’t ask further questions and did some thinking afterwards. That date went really well and we ended up kissing.

Fourth date came around and we were having a great time. But towards the end I asked based on percentage how likely he was to move to Texas at some point. He couldn’t answer. Then I asked if we were still dating when his one year lease ends and if he decides to move to Texas then what would he do, and he said he would give me notice. I asked what the options would be if things were going well between us and he couldn’t answer.

I listed off options hypothetically like we could do long distance, move together, or break up, and then he actually said he might not even move at all. I made it clear he didn’t have to make a choice now and that I just wanted to see if giving notice would involve at least a discussion. He said he can’t predict the future, so the only option now is give notice.

When I started getting upset he said he thought I was trying to pin him down, and that we had only been dating for a month. I told him I just needed reassurance that there would at least be a discussion if we were still dating and things were going well by that point.

I was trying to gauge his intentions with dating since he brought up the possibility of moving in a year and just giving notice. When he saw I wasn’t budging he asked if I wanted to just ended things and part ways right now. I told him of course not, I just need to know there will be a discussion, so that’s when he said he had to think and there’s no 5th date planned.

We agreed to give it one week and it’s been 5 days so far. Meanwhile he’s been going on the dating app and making profile updates by adding he’s looking for a life partner / long term relationship. Before our conversation his profile just had long term relationship listed.

Looking for any feedback.

Edited June 28 by kiwistwbry
Typo

[Alpacalia]

One month is a fairly short period of time to be planning a future with someone. The first month is supposed to be about getting to know each other and seeing if there's a connection worth pursuing. It seems like this guy may have jumped ahead of himself by bringing up the possibility of moving to different states and looking at houses after only three dates.

It's one thing if he's already had these plans and was just mentioning them, and if he's actively planning to move, that could complicate things.

I get your concern but it's a bit too heavy. I would just back off at this point. 1 month is nothing.

Edited June 28 by Alpacalia

[kiwistwbry]

I hear you. I would’ve never approached such a deep conversation otherwise. Just didn’t know what to do after he mentioned that, because I agree it would complicate things. He said he’s been looking at houses in WA for the last year and Texas just recently because they're cheaper. What do you think about him only being open to the option of giving notice? And what do you mean by backing off?

Edited June 28 by kiwistwbry

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

I hear you. I would’ve never approached such a deep conversation otherwise. Just didn’t know what to do after he mentioned that, because I agree it would complicate things. He said he’s been looking at houses in WA for the last year and Texas just recently because they're cheaper. What do you think about him only being open to the option of giving notice? And what do you mean by backing off?

When he said you're trying to "pin him down" that was your cue to back off. Having said that, I wouldn't pursue anything further romantically thinking long term with him given his 1 year limit. You shouldn't have to deal with that or try to figure him out. That's not your job. I would've walked away to be honest. Sorry.

[introverted1]

It was too soon to bring up the various scenarios that could play out after a year. I don't blame him for being unwilling to be "pinned down," as he put it.

That said, you are also within your rights to choose not to date someone who has stated his intention to move in a year's time.  

Ideally, if you had the temperament for it, you would date him for ~3 months and then have the conversation.  At that time you both have enough exposure/experience to discuss what the potential options might be, while at the same time not being so invested that you couldn't walk away if you needed to. 

[smackie9]

walk away and move on with your life. 

[ShyViolet]

It's cringey that you brought up a future together with the possibility of moving to another state together in a year, with a man who you have been on four dates with.  That is not something you should ever be bringing up when you have been on four dates with someone.  No wonder you seem to have scared him off.  

If you are looking for a stable, long term relationship, and this man is telling you he might move out of state in a year, you might come to the conclusion that this isn't a good prospect for you.  It would be your decision to make whether to walk away.  Or you could continue seeing him for another few weeks/months, get to know him better, and then bring up this conversation at a more appropriate time.  But bringing this up after four dates was so inappropriate and a surefire way to scare a guy off.

[kiwistwbry]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

It's cringey that you brought up a future together with the possibility of moving to another state together in a year, with a man who you have been on four dates with.  That is not something you should ever be bringing up when you have been on four dates with someone.  No wonder you seem to have scared him off.  

If you are looking for a stable, long term relationship, and this man is telling you he might move out of state in a year, you might come to the conclusion that this isn't a good prospect for you.  It would be your decision to make whether to walk away.  Or you could continue seeing him for another few weeks/months, get to know him better, and then bring up this conversation at a more appropriate time.  But bringing this up after four dates was so inappropriate and a surefire way to scare a guy off.

Hmm I wonder why I’m being labeled as cringey and inappropriate when I was just responding in a serious manner to the serious topic HE had brought up on the 3rd date. I actually waited until the following date to ask further questions. He asked why I was bringing it up after I seemed okay when he mentioned it on the 3rd date. Then when I wasn’t he was willing to just end things right there. Red flag?

And I guess you didn’t read my entire post, or just chose bits and pieces of it, because moving together wasn’t the only option I gave. It was a hypothetical scenario that included all possibilities like long distance, moving together, or even breaking up. So if he really is looking for a “life partner” like he updated his profile to after our conversation, and not just long term relationship like he had before, then why not be open to a discussion of these options in a year IF we’re still even dating.

So yes, I didn’t just cut my losses and walk away, I was actually trying to come to a resolution that could work for both of us moving forward. Because everything else seemed to be going great otherwise. Isn’t that a quality to have if your goal is a commitment when it comes to dating ANYONE?

And if it is then I might question the qualities someone would have in a relationship if they can’t even be open to a FUTURE discussion on a topic that they brought up about the FUTURE. Depends on motives for bringing it up at all.

[kiwistwbry]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

walk away and move on with your life. 

I understand, but curious to hear your reason?

[Alpacalia]

I think you were right to question/say to yourself like "hey, this guy is all over the map, do I want to stick around for it?"

And if it didn't work for you, the best thing would be to end the relationship. Since he has a year to think about it, and you only 5 days, he's ultimately in control. I think he led with his heart and wishful thinking when he met you. 

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Fourth date came around and we were having a great time. But towards the end I asked based on percentage how likely he was to move to Texas at some point. He couldn’t answer. Then I asked if we were still dating when his one year lease ends and if he decides to move to Texas then what would he do, and he said he would give me notice. I asked what the options would be if things were going well between us and he couldn’t answer.

I listed off options hypothetically like we could do long distance, move together, or break up, and then he actually said he might not even move at all. I made it clear he didn’t have to make a choice now and that I just wanted to see if giving notice would involve at least a discussion. He said he can’t predict the future, so the only option now is give notice.

I would literally freak out if someone said these things to me on the 4th date.  Way too soon and too bold and demanding, and then to get upset because I couldn't give them an answer.  I wouldn't go on the 5th date or plan one.  If he's back on the dating apps he probably feels the same way as me.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Hmm I wonder why I’m being labeled as cringey and inappropriate when I was just responding in a serious manner to the serious topic HE had brought up on the 3rd date. I actually waited until the following date to ask further questions. He asked why I was bringing it up after I seemed okay when he mentioned it on the 3rd date. Then when I wasn’t he was willing to just end things right there. Red flag?

But he only casually mentioned that he might move to another state. And you basically gave him a form, pressured him to fill it, and got upset when you realized he didn’t want to do it.

I think you were definitely too pushy, too much and too soon.

[kiwistwbry]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But he only casually mentioned that he might move to another state. And you basically gave him a form, pressured him to fill it, and got upset when you realized he didn’t want to do it.

I think you were definitely too pushy, too much and too soon.

Not sure what’s casual about telling someone on a 3rd date they’re thinking of moving to Texas while also showing them the app and houses they’re looking at, and saying they would move because it’s cheaper and family is there, but okay, you’re free to your opinion. 

But him saying it’s give notice only isn’t applying pressure to me. That’s an ultimatum as far as I’m concerned. Versus me giving 3 hypothetical options for a scenario that he brought up in the first place. I didn’t make him choose anything or make any decisions. So no form to fill out. Just being open to a future discussion if we’re still dating at a year when his lease ends and he would give notice. 

[kiwistwbry]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I would literally freak out if someone said these things to me on the 4th date.  Way too soon and too bold and demanding, and then to get upset because I couldn't give them an answer.  I wouldn't go on the 5th date or plan one.  If he's back on the dating apps he probably feels the same way as me.

Gotcha. Imagine how freaked out I was when he told me about all this (showing me the houses and everything) after he had told me on the first date he was looking at local houses. 

And yes, he is back on the dating app. And updated his profile to looking for a life partner. Sounds pretty clear to random women he hasn’t even dated. But he couldn’t do the same for me who he dated for a month. Totally throws “being too soon” out the window, don’t it? If he doesn’t continue with me because of this I would consider it a red flag and count myself lucky I caught on to his game playing sooner.

Edited June 29 by kiwistwbry

[kiwistwbry]

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

It was too soon to bring up the various scenarios that could play out after a year. I don't blame him for being unwilling to be "pinned down," as he put it.

That said, you are also within your rights to choose not to date someone who has stated his intention to move in a year's time.  

Ideally, if you had the temperament for it, you would date him for ~3 months and then have the conversation.  At that time you both have enough exposure/experience to discuss what the potential options might be, while at the same time not being so invested that you couldn't walk away if you needed to. 

I appreciate your neutral response that’s giving helpful advice and I will definitely take it into consideration. Thank you!

[basil67]

I don't think he's playing games.  I just don't think he's thought through the complications of him dating for a life partner while also thinking of moving away. 

I'm with the others who would have wished him good luck with his endeavours and stopped seeing him.  I would do this because at only a handful of dates in, I'm not invested yet and I wouldn't want to fall in love with someone who's looking at moving away in the future which would create a whole lot of complications. 

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Not sure what’s casual about telling someone on a 3rd date they’re thinking of moving to Texas while also showing them the app and houses they’re looking at, and saying they would move because it’s cheaper and family is there, but okay, you’re free to your opinion. 

But him saying it’s give notice only isn’t applying pressure to me. That’s an ultimatum as far as I’m concerned. Versus me giving 3 hypothetical options for a scenario that he brought up in the first place. I didn’t make him choose anything or make any decisions. So no form to fill out. Just being open to a future discussion if we’re still dating at a year when his lease ends and he would give notice. 

What I meant was that he only mentioned what he might do. He didn’t ask you to do anything. It’s totally your right to think that it’s weird, unattractive, etc. to show you house-buying apps and such, but he didn’t put any pressure on you by doing that. You, on the other hand, gave a list of options to him. You prompted him to give you a response, to make an important choice, which I think was way too early, and I understand that he felt stressed out. Even I would feel stressed out, and I’m an obsessive planner and order freak.

Edited June 29 by Gebidozo

[kiwistwbry]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't think he's playing games.  I just don't think he's thought through the complications of him dating for a life partner while also thinking of moving away. 

I'm with the others who would have wished him good luck with his endeavours and stopped seeing him.  I would do this because at only a handful of dates in, I'm not invested yet and I wouldn't want to fall in love with someone who's looking at moving away in the future which would create a whole lot of complications. 

Thank you for your neutral response. I didn’t walk away because he had a lot of the qualities I was looking for up until this point. And we were having great dates together. So I thought there could be an open ended solution. But I definitely hear what you’re saying.

[kiwistwbry]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What I meant was that he only mentioned what he might do. He didn’t ask you to do anything. It’s totally your right to think that it’s weird, unattractive, etc. to show you house-buying apps and such, but he didn’t put any pressure on you by doing that. You, on the other hand, gave a list of options to him. You prompted him to give you a response, to make an important choice, which I think was way too early.

I never said anything of the sort with him showing me the house-buying apps. I was making a point to what you said about him mentioning it casually. Like it was no big deal. It wasn’t. It was planned out with the reasons and everything. He only started to downplay it after I wasn’t going for it. And after he had mentioned local houses the first date with details as well, showing me the same app with locations. I felt blindsided. His option was an ultimatum. Mine would require him to be open to several possibilities in the future if we were even still dating. Not a choice. I think it would’ve been nice to see if he could compromise, would be a good quality to have if we got into a relationship, don’t you think? But it was all his way.

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I never said anything of the sort with him showing me the house-buying apps. I was making a point to what you said about him mentioning it casually. Like it was no big deal. It wasn’t. It was planned out with the reasons and everything. He only started to downplay it after I wasn’t going for it. And after he had mentioned local houses the first date with details as well, showing me the same app with locations. I felt blindsided. His option was an ultimatum. Mine would require him to be open to several possibilities in the future if we were even still dating. Not a choice. I think it would’ve been nice to see if he could compromise, would be a good quality to have if we got into a relationship, don’t you think? But it was all his way.

If you felt that it was weird / inappropriate / pushy of him to start talking about houses and such, why did you take it to the next level (or just stayed with him on the same level, doesn’t matter really)? You could’ve just said, “Look, I feel it’s way too soon to discuss such things, I feel pressured”. 

 

[kiwistwbry]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

If you felt that it was weird / inappropriate / pushy of him to start talking about houses and such, why did you take it to the next level (or just stayed with him on the same level, doesn’t matter really)? You could’ve just said, “Look, I feel it’s way too soon to discuss such things, I feel pressured”. 

 

I have never said any of that on this post, it has been other people including you to describe myself simply because I offered hypothetical options that didn’t require a choice but him being open to a discussion in the future if we were still dating and he ended up giving me notice for moving to Texas.

I was not put off by him bringing it up, but thought about it, and had my follow-up questions.

He took me to the future with his possibility, so I did the exact same thing with my options that include continuing or not. He wanted me to be okay with giving notice. And I wanted him to be okay with doing that PLUS a discussion to see his intentions with dating.

Edited June 29 by kiwistwbry

[basil67]

I know you're being given "could have said" or "should have done differently" options, but my own life is punctuated with thoughts of things I could have handled differently.  Now, even if you do agree with that advice in hindsight, I honestly doubt that there is a single person here who has never handled things right all the time....so suggestions of what you should have done are pointless with respect to this conversation because it can't be undone anyway

All that said, I don't think you did anything wrong.  He opened the future discussion, it blindsided you and you were just trying to make sense of it and how it would affect you. 

[smackie9]

20 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

I understand, but curious to hear your reason?

Because he's keeping his options open.

[kiwistwbry]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Because he's keeping his options open.

Options with dating around? Or when it comes to the future and moving?

[Alpacalia]

He doesn't want to commit to a decision right now.

You've only been dating for one month and he feels like you're pushing him to make a choice about his life plans before he's ready. He has a year before his lease is up and anything could happen in that time. Maybe he'll meet someone else, maybe he'll decide to stay in Washington, maybe he'll move to Texas.

He said himself that he feels like you're trying to "pin him down." That's a pretty strong indication that he's not ready for something serious just yet and he's feeling pressured. Further, he's back on dating apps and updating his profile which screams that he wants to keep looking for now.