Author kiwistwbry Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: He doesn't want to commit to a decision right now. You've only been dating for one month and he feels like you're pushing him to make a choice about his life plans before he's ready. He has a year before his lease is up and anything could happen in that time. Maybe he'll meet someone else, maybe he'll decide to stay in Washington, maybe he'll move to Texas. He said himself that he feels like you're trying to "pin him down." That's a pretty strong indication that he's not ready for something serious just yet and he's feeling pressured. Further, he's back on dating apps and updating his profile which screams that he wants to keep looking for now. Right. All of my hypothetical options included those. I didn’t need a choice, just his willingness to be open to a discussion in the event we were still dating after a year. I think he just wanted to see early on if I would be okay with it, and when I wasn’t he moved on to the next. And yet he updated his profile to looking for a life partner. Makes total sense… Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 15 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: Options with dating around? Or when it comes to the future and moving? Both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 (edited) 6 hours ago, stillafool said: Both. Makes sense he’s keeping his options open for someone who’s okay with his option free future for possibly at least a year. Meanwhile updating his profile to looking for a life partner. Hmm… Edited June 30 by kiwistwbry Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 (edited) 2 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: Makes sense he’s keeping his options open for someone who’s okay with his option free future for possibly at least a year. Meanwhile updating his profile to looking for a life partner. Hmm… Perhaps his ideal life partner has no ties and would be happy to follow him anywhere. Or she just wants something casual. At any rate, he's not a good option for someone who has a stable life and has no plans to uproot herself. I certainly wouldn't up and leave my job, friends and family for someone I'd known for less than a year. I wonder how he'd react if he found the love of his life but she refused to move with him. Would he cancel his plans? Edited June 30 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Perhaps his ideal life partner has no ties and would be happy to follow him anywhere. Or she just wants something casual. At any rate, he's not a good option for someone who has a stable life and has no plans to uproot herself. I certainly wouldn't up and leave my job, friends and family for someone I'd known for less than a year. I wonder how he'd react if he found the love of his life but she refused to move with him. Would he cancel his plans? One of my hypothetical options was moving together. If we had been dating for a year and things were going well. As well as long distance. So I was willing to be open to a discussion at that time, he wasn’t. I don’t think he wants a casual situation or he would have that on his profile. Dating apps have several options for intentions and his should be “figuring it out.” But I don’t think he would get many women with that option which he knows. Probably why he waited a month to tell me and played up local houses first date. And no, he would definitely not cancel his plans for “the love of his life”. He’s been divorced for 6 years and was married for 15 years. When I asked how his ex wife felt about the dog they had he said “she didn’t want one. But I said oh well, I do so we’re getting one.” I thought it showed their rocky relationship, but after he did the same thing to me I can see he just prefers things all his way. He can’t even compromise. And it has nothing to do with how long he’s known someone. Edited June 30 by kiwistwbry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 14 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said: One of my hypothetical options was moving together. If we had been dating for a year and things were going well. As well as long distance. So I was willing to be open to a discussion at that time, he wasn’t. I don’t think he wants a casual situation or he would have that on his profile. Dating apps have several options for intentions and his should be “figuring it out.” But I don’t think he would get many women with that option which he knows. Probably why he waited a month to tell me and played up local houses first date. And no, he would definitely not cancel his plans for “the love of his life”. He’s been divorced for 6 years and was married for 15 years. When I asked how his ex wife felt about the dog they had he said “she didn’t want one. But I said oh well, I do so we’re getting one.” I thought it showed their rocky relationship, but after he did the same thing to me I can see he just prefers things all his way. He can’t even compromise. And it has nothing to do with how long he’s known someone. Lucky you found this out early. Had he not been planning to move, you may have gotten much further in before you discovered this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted July 1 Author Share Posted July 1 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Lucky you found this out early. Had he not been planning to move, you may have gotten much further in before you discovered this I agree. When it comes to the possibility of moving I think he wants someone willing to go along for the ride while hoping for the best. I wouldn’t be surprised if his stance stayed the same even after a few months of dating and we were approaching the exclusive relationship stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 Way too early to have such a heavy discussion about future plans IMO. Personally I would just make it clear to him that I do not ever intend to move to Texas (if I understand correctly where you are heading with this), and then let it be and see how things pan out. However, if you want to end things here, that is also a perfectly valid decision. It's only been a month, if you feel this isn't right for you, then end it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 On 6/28/2024 at 8:44 PM, kiwistwbry said: Quote Gotcha. Imagine how freaked out I was when he told me about all this (showing me the houses and everything) after he had told me on the first date he was looking at local houses. I wouldn't have freaked out in the least, It was a 4th date and I wouldn't be so invested that I'd need to lock down what would happen between us two in a year. I certainly wouldn't pressure him with options. I would enjoy the time we have together and see what happens. If what he told you doesn't sit well with your life plans, then just stop seeing him and find a man who will be around in the coming years. Quote And yes, he is back on the dating app. And updated his profile to looking for a life partner. Sounds pretty clear to random women he hasn’t even dated. But he couldn’t do the same for me who he dated for a month. Totally throws “being too soon” out the window, don’t it? If he doesn’t continue with me because of this I would consider it a red flag and count myself lucky I caught on to his game playing sooner. Maybe his idea of a life partner is a woman who likes to take it slow and is not in a hurry to get into locked down. Most people date to find their life partner and when it becomes clear early on, this one isn't it, you tend to get back on the dating apps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 On 6/29/2024 at 2:50 PM, kiwistwbry said: Options with dating around? Or when it comes to the future and moving? Dating others 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 9 hours ago, Els said: Way too early to have such a heavy discussion about future plans IMO. Personally I would just make it clear to him that I do not ever intend to move to Texas (if I understand correctly where you are heading with this), and then let it be and see how things pan out. However, if you want to end things here, that is also a perfectly valid decision. It's only been a month, if you feel this isn't right for you, then end it. I agree this topic was way too early, including him telling me about Texas in the first place. And he knew it as soon as I started to not like the idea, because then he began to backtrack and downplay the idea of moving. Moving together was one of my hypothetical options. Didn’t require him to make a choice right now. He wasn’t open to the idea of a discussion in a year if we were still dating and things were going well when his lease ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 (edited) 9 hours ago, stillafool said: My request for him to be open to a discussion a year from now if we’re still dating and all is going well by the time he might move to Texas is not trying to lock him down. Especially when one of my hypothetical options was to break up. I wanted to see if he’s at least willing in order to gauge his intentions with dating. What I think is he’s making it seem like he’s looking for a life partner so that women don’t ask questions like I did when he brings up Texas. Which is why that update to his profile was AFTER this happened. Before it was just looking for a long term relationship. And not sure where you live or what experiences you’ve had on dating apps, but what I’ve learned is most people are NOT looking for a life partner. It’s long term relationship at best and even that’s subjective. He was clear about me early on. Inviting me to his place 2 months ahead for August. Which shows he can plan in advance when it’s good for HIM. Wanting to continue seeing me and asking why Texas was an issue now versus third date when he first told me. Even backtracking after he saw I was upset. When I was okay with it he planned the 4th date. He just needed time to think once he knew I wasn’t willing to go along blindly with his uncertainty. Then there was no 5th date planned. Maybe that’s the kind of “life partner” he wants. Edited July 2 by kiwistwbry Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 (edited) I can appreciate that by asking the questions you did, you were attempting to clarify his intentions… And it was perceived as a little too soon to do so, perhaps. I would take a different slant - if you see him again, I would clarify your intentions… “I am at a stage in my life where I am looking for a life partner - someone with whom I can share my life. I don’t plan on moving at this time because my job and/or friends and family are here. I don’t expect anything from you in terms of the future of this relationship or your decision to move out of state - but, having told you what I want for my life, I would expect that you would tell me honestly if you are not looking for the same things… Edited July 2 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 (edited) 17 hours ago, BaileyB said: I can appreciate that by asking the questions you did, you were attempting to clarify his intentions… And it was perceived as a little too soon to do so, perhaps. I would take a different slant - if you see him again, I would clarify your intentions… “I am at a stage in my life where I am looking for a life partner - someone with whom I can share my life. I don’t plan on moving at this time because my job and/or friends and family are here. I don’t expect anything from you in terms of the future of this relationship or your decision to move out of state - but, having told you what I want for my life, I would expect that you would tell me honestly if you are not looking for the same things… Thank you! Great response along with introverted1. I’m going to combine both if he and I end up talking again. Will keep everything in mind for possible future guys too. Edited July 2 by kiwistwbry Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 On 6/28/2024 at 5:45 PM, kiwistwbry said: So if he really is looking for a “life partner” like he updated his profile to after our conversation, and not just long term relationship like he had before, then why not be open to a discussion of these options in a year IF we’re still even dating. Maybe he realized you weren't the partner he was looking for and that is why he didn't want to discuss it with you, and also why he was back on the dating site looking for a life partner this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwistwbry Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 (edited) 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Maybe he realized you weren't the partner he was looking for and that is why he didn't want to discuss it with you, and also why he was back on the dating site looking for a life partner this time. I guarantee if I had remained nonchalant to the possibility of him moving in a year we would still be dating. It’s clear this was the deciding factor for him to continue or not and why he told me early on. Will never know whether his profile would’ve been updated to life partner along the way. He also told me during our first phone call before the first date he doesn’t try to work things out anymore and just ends it. Exactly what he did in this situation. 🚩 Edited July 3 by kiwistwbry Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4 Share Posted July 4 19 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: He also told me during our first phone call before the first date he doesn’t try to work things out anymore and just ends it. Exactly what he did in this situation. 🚩 A lot of people don't these days because it's too easy to get online and get involved with someone new. Oh well, at least you know and that's closure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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