why did I stop finding dates and lovers? or rather how to now :

[cigsandcaffeine]

Ive been dating since I was like 17, now I am 26 and I never get dates for like a year now. 

Long story short, I broke up at 21 from a 4 years old relationship, and ever since dates kept flowing in, every year, one after another (im ashamed to admit but sometimes i dated multiple people at once like wtf everyone wanted me)

Recently I'm transitioning into male. I stopped socializing, I stopped talking to people and everything. Maybe thats it, thats the answer.

 

I dont even leave the house, just for grocery shopping with my mom. But man when I do leave on my own, all the men, all the women stare in awe like holy s*** man, everyone is devouring me with the stares. I kinda make the difference that men look at me more like "ah thats a fine lad cheers man" type of look while women get super shy and smiley idk lmao.

I dont even look like a female, i never did. Even when I was female people kept commenting that ur a guy and whatever they be like that idk. i used to get thousands (no joke or metaphor) of matches on every dating site I ever accessed. Even when I signed up as a guy I got a decent amount. Same face, same photos, just my trans name. And people still talked to me, and it was cool. I'm impressed honestly.

 

I have literally no one. I lost every phone number of all my friends and eveything, and my phone broke. And now I'm a male. Idk how to do this. I always dated guys, i mean men, males. Now I'm like i dont really care anymore ok, gimme all you got, and ill take it. Men or women, the same. Should I approach people on the streets? I'm done with dating sites.

p.s.: sorry if my whole story sounded like bragging, i just read it but im more like feeling grateful to what i had idk how to elaborate about it. I mean who cares, im starting from literal 0 now, please help im lost. I never really approached anyone on the street.

I need some solid advice. Remember that I am 26, but I am transitioning male. It's like I'm a new person. Like it's still me but it hurts so much to think back of the time i was a feminine female. Should have known it and transition early. I tried to tell my therapist at 22, but she told me after a few sessions that it was a teen fling. Well NO, right now I'm pure man and that's that. How dare anyone treat transgenderism as a phase honestly?. I battled with myself from like 5 years old, kid to adult, and wtf did it take 11 years to do this?? Ok.

I wont go off topic but my transitioning is really recent, I dont want to give details on how far im on insofar my looks and parts and all, but just asking for some honest dating advice. I feel gay but will take females. It would feel a lie to say im bisexual, I'm kinda asexual, but I'm equally attracted to men and women. BECAUSE I DONT CARE LMAO but I honestly really want a decent fulfilling relationship with a loving individual. :)

How do I start?

 

 

[basil67]

As an old cis woman, I can't give you first hand advice and what I say may not be what you need.  However I do have a number of young people around me who've transitioned and what works for them is building up a network of people who are also trans.  Having walked in your shoes, you are able to support each other....and quite often, this where the dating happens.  Are you able to access  LGBTQIA+ social groups?   Learn from what works for them. 

And I think you're right that the fact you stopped socialising is a large part of the problem.   About your old friends, are they allies?  If so, could you reconnect with them?   It's perfectly OK to reach out and explain your journey and that you were in a bad place for a while and disconnected, but you really miss them and would love to reconnect

Edited June 30, 2024 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

How does anyone start, you just start!  Public or on-line, there are no magic answers to getting dates. The more interesting you are, engaging, passionate the more people are going to be drawn to you. Good personal hygiene, dress nice, be open to trying new things and have a good time. If you're not doing any of these things now, make small changes and work toward building connections with people. 

Also, don't let fear stop you from reaching out to potential partners. Be honest with them about who you are and where you are at in your transition process. If someone says they are not interested, don't allow that to deter you from your goals, it's hard out there so you have to be tough when dating.   

[MsJayne]

I’d assume this is something that many people going through gender transition experience, it’s not like you’re just changing your hairstyle. Maybe find a counsellor within the LBGTQ community and allow them to support you through the awkward social aspects of transitioning so you don’t feel quite so alone. From the POV of someone potentially dating you, it’s a lot to ask from a new person to get involved with someone who’s actively changing, so maybe you’d be best to focus on building friendships rather than looking for a partner until you’re fully transitioned and your new identity is firmly established. Regarding finding a counsellor, I really do recommend this, as the two people I’ve personally known who transitioned, (both male to female), I saw one cope really well because she had the specialist support, but the other, (in a small country town full of bigots and bullies), ended tragically. So please do look for that support even if you feel you’re doing OK aside from the dating issue, as having a sense of belonging is vitally important for your long-term wellbeing. 

[cigsandcaffeine]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

As an old cis woman, I can't give you first hand advice and what I say may not be what you need.  However I do have a number of young people around me who've transitioned and what works for them is building up a network of people who are also trans.  Having walked in your shoes, you are able to support each other....and quite often, this where the dating happens.  Are you able to access  LGBTQIA+ social groups?   Learn from what works for them. 

And I think you're right that the fact you stopped socialising is a large part of the problem.   About your old friends, are they allies?  If so, could you reconnect with them?   It's perfectly OK to reach out and explain your journey and that you were in a bad place for a while and disconnected, but you really miss them and would love to reconnect

I don't think so, not in my town at least. It's such a small town... Groups online yes. Locally to hang out and all not so much.

Hm idk about old friends, but my stepmom attacked me on facebook calling me out on how I lost my mind and oh how it must be my mental health meds that are driving me mad to talk stuff like this. Because I came out on facebook and she immediately attacked me and blocked me. Like I deserve to be hospitalized and all. IT was very rude of her.

We used to joke with my friends back in my old day that I;m gay. No matter the friend group, I was always that gay lol. So I mean, maybe they sensed? They must've. Dare I not tell anyone directly that I am a trans individual, that is too much.

[cigsandcaffeine]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

How does anyone start, you just start!  Public or on-line, there are no magic answers to getting dates. The more interesting you are, engaging, passionate the more people are going to be drawn to you. Good personal hygiene, dress nice, be open to trying new things and have a good time. If you're not doing any of these things now, make small changes and work toward building connections with people. 

Also, don't let fear stop you from reaching out to potential partners. Be honest with them about who you are and where you are at in your transition process. If someone says they are not interested, don't allow that to deter you from your goals, it's hard out there so you have to be tough when dating.   

I don't have any problems with hygiene and dressing, but I'm very shy and I hate leaving my comfort zone. That always dragged me back in life... I need to do some stuff again. Thank you.

Yes obviously, I don't care if someone says no, it's about them, not me. 

[cigsandcaffeine]

11 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I’d assume this is something that many people going through gender transition experience, it’s not like you’re just changing your hairstyle. Maybe find a counsellor within the LBGTQ community and allow them to support you through the awkward social aspects of transitioning so you don’t feel quite so alone. From the POV of someone potentially dating you, it’s a lot to ask from a new person to get involved with someone who’s actively changing, so maybe you’d be best to focus on building friendships rather than looking for a partner until you’re fully transitioned and your new identity is firmly established. Regarding finding a counsellor, I really do recommend this, as the two people I’ve personally known who transitioned, (both male to female), I saw one cope really well because she had the specialist support, but the other, (in a small country town full of bigots and bullies), ended tragically. So please do look for that support even if you feel you’re doing OK aside from the dating issue, as having a sense of belonging is vitally important for your long-term wellbeing. 

Oof I am genuinely sorry for her. I don't have problems with bullies because they're literally invisible to me. I don't even consider them, I just walk past and continue my life. Who cares.

But honestly I'm so ashamed to tell a psychologist about my transition process, like I'd just die of shame right there. But I need the papers to change my legal name so I will need it at some point... What do you mean by the lgbtq community? Is that a special counsellor? Or can it be anyone or idk this is so new to me honestly. I always did this all on my own so.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, cigsandcaffeine said:

 

But honestly I'm so ashamed to tell a psychologist about my transition process, like I'd just die of shame right there. But I need the papers to change my legal name so I will need it at some point... What do you mean by the lgbtq community? Is that a special counsellor? Or can it be anyone or idk this is so new to me honestly. I always did this all on my own so.

LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and I think it may have another couple of letters added by now. Why are you ashamed? In the mental health area there are counsellors who specialise in working with people of alternate gender, likewise for psychologists, etc, and if you reference them online usually they’ll include this info in the description of their practice. If you have a referral from a GP it should cost nothing, (that’s in Australia and UK, no idea about the US). When you say you did this all on your own, what do you mean exactly, have you had no input from medical people? Usually before a GP can start prescribing hormone medication in relation to transitioning the patient has to see a psychologist and get the all-clear to proceed with transition. It’s quite a process. 
 

[cigsandcaffeine]

21 hours ago, MsJayne said:

LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and I think it may have another couple of letters added by now. Why are you ashamed? In the mental health area there are counsellors who specialise in working with people of alternate gender, likewise for psychologists, etc, and if you reference them online usually they’ll include this info in the description of their practice. If you have a referral from a GP it should cost nothing, (that’s in Australia and UK, no idea about the US). When you say you did this all on your own, what do you mean exactly, have you had no input from medical people? Usually before a GP can start prescribing hormone medication in relation to transitioning the patient has to see a psychologist and get the all-clear to proceed with transition. It’s quite a process. 
 

yes i know what lgbtq is, i meant if there is a special counsellor for that purpose or just that one that is your basic everyday psychologist.

i meant on my own, like changing and styling myself on my own. I'm not on hormones on my own don't worry. (not on hormones yet)

Thanks for your advices and care.  

Edited July 1, 2024 by cigsandcaffeine

[cigsandcaffeine]

21 hours ago, MsJayne said:

If you have a referral from a GP it should cost nothing, (that’s in Australia and UK, no idea about the US).

I'm in Europe.

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, cigsandcaffeine said:

I'm in Europe.

Ok, I believe many euro countries are super advanced with regard to gender reassignment, so when you’re ready for the hormone business you should just be able to see your GP to start the ball rolling. But, back to your original question about why you’re not getting dates, it would largely be because you stopped socialising. It could also be age-related. I recall around my mid twenties that many friends suddenly started pulling back on the partying and began looking for their ‘settle down’ partner, and some even went so far as to start having babies. The older you get the harder the dating scene becomes, and if you think it’s bad now wait until you get into your late thirties. That’s when the date-market floods with bitter divorcées and other baggage handlers. It’s a sad state of affairs 😊. 

[cigsandcaffeine]

On 7/2/2024 at 12:41 AM, MsJayne said:

 It could also be age-related. I recall around my mid twenties that many friends suddenly started pulling back on the partying and began looking for their ‘settle down’ partner, and some even went so far as to start having babies. The older you get the harder the dating scene becomes, and if you think it’s bad now wait until you get into your late thirties. That’s when the date-market floods with bitter divorcées and other baggage handlers. It’s a sad state of affairs 😊. 

Aw man  Anyway I am so done with sexual encounters for now that I don't even mind. It just gets lonely you know...