JessicaJames Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 Before I get demolished, and hated on. Please understand I acknowledge I was wrong. Years ago. 2001 I slept with my best friends husband. We were 25 she had just had a baby with him the year before. I was always attracted to him, one night while she was out, I dropped something off for her after work, and I talked, had a few drinks one thing led to another, and we had sex. We were very infatuated with one another. I became pregnant, I refuse to have an abortion. He was devastated. I know he was still crazy about her, and their son, but he was always a man as in he took care of his responsibility. He manned up and we told her. She was heartbroken and she with every right hated me. She divorced him, he was a wreck, he began drinking and was doing drugs recreationally and he was a shell of a man. She never kept their son away, but I know he was torn because he was still in love with her. Years passed and she moved away for graduate school. His son was always in his life and would visit during summers, but he NEVER had any contact with her. His Ex. I hurt to she was my best friend and I loved her. I grew older, had a daughter and I grew up, but the pain of the betrayal was deep. There was guilt. It often causes fights between my husband and I. I know he married me out of obligation. I don't think he ever really loves me. I've always been considered a Sex Symbol type. I see now. He just liked me for my looks. His Ex, my ex best friend is has always been very open minded and kind. She's just a really good person. After all these years, their son is graduating Medical School! she hosted a big dinner and celebration. This was the first time in years Either my husband or I have seen or spoken to her. She sent an invite out of respect for her son. We went to the celebration, it was held over a weekend, we all had separate cabins it was on a lake very beautiful. She was so kind and forgiving the three of us, had great conversations and we even hashed out the past. I apologized. My husband however, found a way to run into her, alone. They talked. He told me he apologized to her for the pain and shame he caused. I took it as she was in good terms with him. But I noticed his energy towards me shifted. He was cold. He was coming constantly talking about her, and if we were around her, during the festivities, he was staring at her. Not in a discrete manner. But with a blatant sexual look in his eyes. I just ignored it. Maybe I felt, who am I to say ANYTHING! I'm the worst person ever. We've met up once again for dinner at the sons home and my husband was just smitten by her. Telling her she was absolutely beautiful. She hasn't aged a day. I asked him about it. He said, he feels like he never fell out of love with her. I caught him masturbating to a Photo he has of her on his phone. He took from his sons social media page. Which was a first, because he never posted photos of his mom, until now, because he assumes that everyone is attempting to make amends. I called my husband out on it. He apologized but it seems fake. I just found out that this past Saturday my husband was at the sons home, she was there, she has moved back to the area, not far from their son. I was working and their son had people over a backyard barbecue. Our daughter was there, and she saw her father my husband. Corner his ex-wife and kiss her. My daughter sent me a text telling me. It was all him, unprovoked by her, he doesn't even know her anymore and he did this!!! She's not 25 anymore! She was upset, she apparently made some excuse, told her son she's on call had to leave. I just found out, she cancelled coming to the Fourth of July celebration next weekend and her son is puzzled as to why. I confronted my husband and he said he was in love with her??? How? He doesn't even know her! It's been over 20 years. I asked him what this means. He said he has to get her back? He also claims that he ran into her at the beachwood cafe one morning and they ran together and they ended up having sex?!! I don't believe him. I don't believe she would do this. It's not like her. I don't have the nerve to ask her. She always seems to acknowledge him looking at her and I could tell it made her uncomfortable. My husband is saying he's In love with her. Wants her back. I'm just confused. I don't know what to do or think. Should I speak to her, but I feel I would be pathetic bringing this to her. I feel my husband is dealing with a midlife crisis. Seeing her again has made it worse. He's a Very Very attractive man who is not taking it well that he's aging. I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't have a right to say anything. After all the pain and hurt I caused her. I tell myself this is Karma. But I just feel confused. Any advice or suggestions for what my next move should be. I'm in a mental state of paralyzed I've lost so much sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 (edited) What point would it serve to bring it up to her? It won't change anything. Your husband is very much still in love with her and it's an issue with him if she even believes it. Obviously, your husband is having some unresolved feelings for his ex-wife and it seems like he is letting lust or regret take over his emotions. However, it is not your place to talk to his ex-wife about this. Bringing it up to her will only cause unnecessary drama and it is not your responsibility to meddle in their past relationship. I'm not sure what you can do in terms of your marriage, but it seems like your husband is struggling with some deep emotions and he needs to figure them out on his own. If you choose to stick around, you need to be prepared to possibly deal with him wanting to leave and possibly seeking a relationship with his ex-wife. I can't imagine wanting to stick around through all of this if I were you with someone who is constantly flip-flopping and causing emotional turmoil. Edited June 30 by Alpacalia 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 He never got over her, he married you because he felt he was forced to, due to the unplanned pregnancy that you refused to terminate, and he always has had resentment towards you because of it. That's the summary and there's not really all that much you can do about it except hope she keeps her distance and he finds a way to get over his obsession with her and his resentment of you. Some would say this is karma taking a delayed response. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JessicaJames Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 1 hour ago, semble said: He never got over her, he married you because he felt he was forced to, due to the unplanned pregnancy that you refused to terminate, and he always has had resentment towards you because of it. That's the summary and there's not really all that much you can do about it except hope she keeps her distance and he finds a way to get over his obsession with her and his resentment of you. Some would say this is karma taking a delayed response. I am seeing this now. I believe that the resentment has always been there. I take blame, but not all of the blame. I admit I was terrible. But he was married to her, had a baby, we slept together and he kept sleeping with me. When we told her about the affair and the fact I was pregnant, I was too far along for abortion. He knew it was going to end the marriage. If he loves her so much, why did he cheat?! I don't believe he has ever cheated on me. So he must have Love me to some extent. He never spoke of her, never tried to see her. Now suddenly he's in love? She's not the same person. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 I know it hurts but you just have to remember she will always hold a special place in his heart but you have been his wife for years. It's scary that he wants her back 20 years later, that tells me he was really hurting all those years but he didn't break the vow he made to you. You need to talk to your husband and ask him what he really wants and if it's her you can't force him to stay. Why would you want to be with a man that is not 100% yours? You will never be at peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 2 hours ago, semble said: Some would say this is karma taking a delayed response. I was thinking the same thing.....and also, karma (or consequence) has no time frame. Thing is he left her not because he wanted you, but because you got pregnant and she threw him out. He "did the right thing" by you, but never stopped loving her. You ask how he could cheat on her if he loved her so much....I guess it's the same thing as you doing the dirty on your dearest friend. Do not speak to her about this - you have no right to do so. Let the guy make his own choice 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 (edited) As they say, turnabout is fair play… Edited June 30 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 I think you should let your husband go. He is in love with another woman. You said yourself that he never truly loved you and only married you out of obligation. There is no reason for you to stay married to him. You’ll just become more and more miserable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 8 hours ago, JessicaJames said: I don't believe he has ever cheated on me. Most betrayed partners say that. Often they believe it even when there are obvious red flags. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Why would they do this if they love you? Because their definition of love isn't the same as yours. Then again, did you "love" your best friend? If so, why did you mess around with her guy? The question is rhetorical meaning it's not looking for an answer, just designed to make you think. My answer would be "because people are selfish and impulsive and driven by emotions". At the time you messed around with him, her wants, her needs, her "possessions" were of no consequence to you. You wanted what you wanted, it's all about you. That's the cheater mentality as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JessicaJames Posted July 1 Author Share Posted July 1 On 6/30/2024 at 3:10 PM, basil67 said: I was thinking the same thing.....and also, karma (or consequence) has no time frame. Thing is he left her not because he wanted you, but because you got pregnant and she threw him out. He "did the right thing" by you, but never stopped loving her. You ask how he could cheat on her if he loved her so much....I guess it's the same thing as you doing the dirty on your dearest friend. Do not speak to her about this - you have no right to do so. Let the guy make his own choice Well I agree with maybe not saying anything about it to her. My plan wasn't to confront her in a accusing way. He doesn't have a simple choice we have kids and liabilities and responsibilities. She has none! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 8 minutes ago, JessicaJames said: He doesn't have a simple choice we have kids and liabilities and responsibilities. It doesn’t seem to be stopping him… You need to decide what is acceptable to you and what is not. I would not be trying to hang onto a man who has feelings for/is involved with another woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 7 minutes ago, JessicaJames said: Well I agree with maybe not saying anything about it to her. My plan wasn't to confront her in a accusing way. He doesn't have a simple choice we have kids and liabilities and responsibilities. She has none! Her having family responsibilities with him didn't stop you from destroying their family by having his child. She owes you nothing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 (edited) 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: She owes you nothing! Nothing. It is interesting how OP expects that he/they should respect her and the family they have built together when she clearly did not respect relationship boundaries in the past… It’s the old saying - if he will do it with you, he will do it to you… Edited July 1 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 Honestly @JessicaJames, you know he's never loved you like he loved her, and you know he married you because "it was the right thing to do". He's stayed with you while raising a family, but now it's time for him to make the choice he wants. That said, why would she ever take him back anyway? I suspect she will reject him and you'll spend the rest of your life married to a man who has never loved you like he loves her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: That said, why would she ever take him back anyway? I suspect she will reject him and you'll spend the rest of your life married to [him] +1 on this. One never knows but I think she might sleep with him to "try it out"(possibly has already) but overall this is too weird to be overly likely to work out. They will have both changed over the 2 decades spent apart and once he (possibly they) get over the initial romanticization of it, they will be about as compatible as any set of new partners. Your past actions 20+ years ago doesn't make his actions now "right" but perhaps he's simply "done". (Unless/until she doesn't accept him, probably - funny how that is.) I suppose you will or won't tolerate whatever you will or won't tolerate to stay married - that's of course up to you... Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 I am wondering if you have some kind of ax to grind with your ex-best friend or something? What you write about her is completely incoherent. Apparently it's her fault that your husband, a grown ass man, can't get over her after 20 years? It is understandable that you feel remorse for your actions, as you should, but it seems like you are deflecting responsibility by blaming your husband's infatuation with your ex-friend on your past mistake. Ultimately, your husband's actions are his own and you cannot control them. However, it is important for you to take responsibility for your own actions and not continue to harm others in an attempt to "get even" or ease your guilt. How does it feel that your husband is still in love with someone else, after all this time? This is your reality, tough as it may be to face. Things have a funny way of coming back full circle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: now it's time for him to make the choice he wants. Yes. If ever he is going to make the decision and chose the relationship that he truly wants for himself, this is the time. 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: why would she ever take him back anyway? I suspect she will reject him That is exactly what I would do if I was her… which again, I think you need to decide what is acceptable to you. I would not be taking him back if he makes a failed attempt to be with this other woman and choses only to be with me because it didn’t work out with her - again… Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Apparently it's her fault that your husband, a grown ass man, can't get over her after 20 years? It seems like you are deflecting responsibility by blaming your husband's infatuation with your ex-friend on your past mistake. I think that’s the easiest thing to do - it’s far easier to deflect the blame than accept the fact that your husband settled after he lost the relationship that he may have chosen for himself… It likely comes from a place of fear and insecurity. Edited July 2 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OKtoday Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 Did you end up getting married? You referred to him as your boyfriend in the title of this thread but then later, I saw “husband” in your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 On 6/30/2024 at 2:17 PM, Alpacalia said: What point would it serve to bring it up to her? It won't change anything. Your husband is very much still in love with her and it's an issue with him if she even believes it. Obviously, your husband is having some unresolved feelings for his ex-wife and it seems like he is letting lust or regret take over his emotions. However, it is not your place to talk to his ex-wife about this. Bringing it up to her will only cause unnecessary drama and it is not your responsibility to meddle in their past relationship. I'm not sure what you can do in terms of your marriage, but it seems like your husband is struggling with some deep emotions and he needs to figure them out on his own. If you choose to stick around, you need to be prepared to possibly deal with him wanting to leave and possibly seeking a relationship with his ex-wife. I can't imagine wanting to stick around through all of this if I were you with someone who is constantly flip-flopping and causing emotional turmoil. Your husband really has some deep rooted issues. Sadly, it seems that he is going to drag you along as it copes or attempts to cope with them. It does seem he loves his first wife 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 Also, I do think that your Thread Title is spot on..........he yearns for his First Wife (the one he let GETAWAY). Be Careful OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 boyfriend or husband? which is it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 5 hours ago, serial muse said: which is it? All too likely to be more fan-fiction, unfortunately 😞 . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 23 hours ago, serial muse said: boyfriend or husband? which is it? Good catch! 20 years ago that wouldn't have slipped by me. It's so amusing when they out themselves with stupid mistakes.. 😄 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 On 6/30/2024 at 4:47 PM, JessicaJames said: He never spoke of her, never tried to see her. Now suddenly he's in love? She's not the same person. No, he's always been in love with her but has been suffering in silence all these years. He probably was too filled with guilt and embarrassment about what he did to her to try to see her. Now the lid is off and he can't control his emotions because all of those feelings have come to a head. He's not going to get over her. Why would you want to be with a man who is in love with another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
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