Gf says she's going to cheat on me because I was being unfaithful to her even though I've been trying to prove my loyalty to her for over a year

[pachinko2124]

I'm sorry I am currently crying as I type this right now. I genuinely don't know what to think or feel anymore. Context my gf is telling me she's going to cheat on me that she's going to take revenge for everything I did while we were dating. She's been saying that I've been unfaithful to her that I was never honest with her.

Early on in our relationship I noticed how she was very insecure and sensitive about me using social media and texting even my friends or sometimes a few girl classmates I used to go to school with. Once I had a conversation with one asking a shop to buy a plushie for my gf, she saw that conversation and she suggested that I had feelings for that girl. Afterwards she would start throwing tantrums whenever I use twitter facebook telegram even when my discord icon was online. She would start asking me things like why were you online on facebook at x time. I tell her that I was just using facebook and blah blah blah she just won't accept it sometimes it feels like an interrogation  that it makes me very frustrated. At this point I couldn't handle it so I just gave all of my social media accounts to her I cut off all contacts with any girl classmates or acquaintances that i knew from every social media. And whenever I would use facebook I would have to tell her and I was only allowed to use it if it was necessary when I'm trying to contact a family member. One day we had a fight and she just left me and ghosted me. While I was waiting for her I was just thinking about my high school years and I remembered a few friends and I wanted to find their accounts. I wanted to see what they were up to now and I just looked for one of them a girl first because she was friends with all of them but when I looked for her her account wasn't there but just an old unused account of hers. so I just gave up at that. My gf found that in the search history and started accusing me of wanting to cheat and everything. I explained it to her we had another fight about it then i got her to calm down. I promised that I wouldn't do anything like that again and we started working on ourselves again but she would always bring it back up and each time it gets worse. I know I'm a man but I've cried at least 5 times begging her telling her to trust me and to stop everything. We haven't had that sort of fight for a couple of months now but she brought it up again this morning and it has been the worst ever since. She started saying things like she's going to hurt me she's going to make me feel what i made her feel she called me trash a pieces of s*** that I wasn't worth one bit. She literally said that she would rather sleep with 10 other dudes than be cheated on and this like that. I don't know what to do anymore why does she think that i'm unfaithful I've been giving her everything i've been trying to get her to trust me for so long why can't she trust me what should i do what do I do please help me

[basil67]

To be clear, she thinks that having other girls on your FB feed is cheating?   And she's now calling you trash and a piece of s*** and that you're worthless...and says she's going to cheat on you.  Her behaviour is controlling and abusive.

You need to dump her today and get away from this.  As for what you tell her as a reason, that's easy: Tell her that as she sees you as being all those horrible things, you will do her a favour and leave.  I'm sure that she'll suddenly cry and tell you that she didn't mean it, but stick to your guns and tell her that it's too late.

You sound quite young.  Have you told your mates what's going on?  Have you told your parents?  Please gather those who care about you so that they can support you in this time.  You're going to cry more, but then you'll move to a sense of relief and you'll be OK

[Gebidozo]

OP, you need to break up with that woman now.

She has severe control issues and she is emotionally abusing you. Break up and stop all contact with her.

Chatting with girls on social media is not cheating. You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t have to prove her anything. She’s going to turn your life into hell regardless of what you do. Run away.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get rid of this abusive woman. 

 

[semble]

You'll never be able to satisfy her, she's got severe trust and insecurity issues.

No one is worth that much trouble.

[Nellea]

She is being very immature and she said a lot of things out of anger. I don’t think she will actually do what she threatened to do. She’ll probably move on.
 

I’m guessing this was an outburst on her part, rather than an actual plan to start cheating on you. Either way, you can’t control what others choose to do. But you can ignore her instigating behaviour and focus on your own emotional and mental health. By the sounds of things she’s not the right person for you at all. I think you need some space from her - for your own mental sanity and clarity…

[pachinko2124]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be clear, she thinks that having other girls on your FB feed is cheating?   And she's now calling you trash and a piece of s*** and that you're worthless...and says she's going to cheat on you.  Her behaviour is controlling and abusive.

You need to dump her today and get away from this.  As for what you tell her as a reason, that's easy: Tell her that as she sees you as being all those horrible things, you will do her a favour and leave.  I'm sure that she'll suddenly cry and tell you that she didn't mean it, but stick to your guns and tell her that it's too late.

You sound quite young.  Have you told your mates what's going on?  Have you told your parents?  Please gather those who care about you so that they can support you in this time.  You're going to cry more, but then you'll move to a sense of relief and you'll be OK

I haven't seen my mates for a long time now because she got mad over a couple of times when I went out with my mates all boys. She would say things like I always pick my friends over her even thought I only see them once a few months when they're free. Even if I do go I always try to make it up for her. I don't understand why things are like this

[pachinko2124]

3 hours ago, Nellea said:

She is being very immature and she said a lot of things out of anger. I don’t think she will actually do what she threatened to do. She’ll probably move on.
 

I’m guessing this was an outburst on her part, rather than an actual plan to start cheating on you. Either way, you can’t control what others choose to do. But you can ignore her instigating behaviour and focus on your own emotional and mental health. By the sounds of things she’s not the right person for you at all. I think you need some space from her - for your own mental sanity and clarity…

I don't understand why she's being like this. She's been good to me as well aside from all these trust issues control issues nonsense. Whenever it's not about loyalty or trust we're happy together

 

[pachinko2124]

3 hours ago, semble said:

You'll never be able to satisfy her, she's got severe trust and insecurity issues.

No one is worth that much trouble.

I don't understand why she has to be like this. I knew she had an ex of 3 years that cheated on her back in high school but it's not a valid reason to be doing this to me right?

[pachinko2124]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, you need to break up with that woman now.

She has severe control issues and she is emotionally abusing you. Break up and stop all contact with her.

Chatting with girls on social media is not cheating. You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t have to prove her anything. She’s going to turn your life into hell regardless of what you do. Run away.

I know that this whole thing is useless but I just don't know why I can't just leave her. 

I don't know what's wrong with me or her anymore.
I don't understand am I the problem is it something between us that's wrong

[semble]

You don't realize it now but as I read more of this story, you will ultimately be so much better off without her.

 

[pachinko2124]

3 minutes ago, semble said:

You don't realize it now but as I read more of this story, you will ultimately be so much better off without her.

 

I'm an idiot for this but I really wish she would change. I've been trying to find ways to make her start trusting me again for so long that I honestly lost my in a way. I think I'm just attached so much that I can't just leave.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, pachinko2124 said:

I know that this whole thing is useless but I just don't know why I can't just leave her. 

I don't know what's wrong with me or her anymore.
I don't understand am I the problem is it something between us that's wrong

What’s wrong with her is that she is an abusive control freak.

What’s wrong with you is that you allowed her to treat you like this.

You are now suffering from something akin to Stockholm syndrome.

[stillafool]

If you want any form of happiness in your future life you need to drop your girlfriend today.  She will never change.  She's got you by the balls and she knows it nor is she planning to ease up.  You crying and jumping through hoops for her is making her lose respect for you by the minute, so stop it now.  I promise you this, if you tell her you don't want her anymore and it's over, she will freak out and start chasing you.  Stop contact with her and tell her it's over.   There are much better girls out here than her.

[FredEire]

From someone who's been in this situation, albeit I didn't let it get this far, you can't ever satisfy this kind of control issue, as the problem is actually with them rather than your behaviour (which seems quite normal and acceptable assuming everything you said is true).

By appeasing them you are admitting your "wrongdoing" and it's only going to escalate from there, often as you said with her cheating on you as revenge for the cheating you were doing in her head.

Let her know it's not acceptable, break up with her and maybe she'll have the chance to reflect and realise she needs to do better with her next boyfriend. But it's absolutely not something you should tolerate in your life.

[FredEire]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you want any form of happiness in your future life you need to drop your girlfriend today.  She will never change.  She's got you by the balls and she knows it nor is she planning to ease up.  You crying and jumping through hoops for her is making her lose respect for you by the minute, so stop it now.  I promise you this, if you tell her you don't want her anymore and it's over, she will freak out and start chasing you.  Stop contact with her and tell her it's over.   There are much better girls out here than her.

Correct. The only solution to this kind of s*** behaviour is to walk away.

And as @stillafool said if she starts apologising and saying she's so so sorry etc when you walk away don't fall for it. She'll soon go back to her old behaviours.

 

[Alpacalia]

Eeek gahd this woman cannot control her emotions—it seems that for her own pain relief (albeit temporary), she wants evenness, to have the score evened up (or to equalize the pain that she’s feeling)—otherwise she won’t be happy. Unfortunately for this girl, she’s probably going to experience this often in the future at the dawn of the power of manipulation she’s just recognized that she has over you.

She must have been badly hurt by an ex and so she deals with it in this way (though everyone has mentioned it’s NOT an excuse)—which is not how you should be dealing—I have been badly hurt in the past and I do not deal with it in this reckless way! And here’s another thing—you’re in the limelight when she gets this mad, right? Is it not in those moments that you seriously lose the belief that she loves you? She is calculating—very very calculating—she wants you to FEAR her—she wants you to feel uncomfortable and to pay attention when she is sending you those ryots over Facebook messenger. It’s not the best way to express yourself.

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, pachinko2124 said:

I'm an idiot for this but I really wish she would change. I've been trying to find ways to make her start trusting me again for so long that I honestly lost my in a way. I think I'm just attached so much that I can't just leave.

I think you both have insecure attachment styles. You to a moderate degree and her to a much more severe degree.

If it were me, I think it'd be high time to bite the bullet and move on. As others have mentioned - with this level of distorted thinking, you're better off on your own and MUCH better off with a more emotionally stable partner. Sometimes the way out is "through"...

[ShyViolet]

You can't possibly be serious?  There's no way that anyone with a healthy amount of self-respect would stay with a toxic, crazy girl like this.  This only goes on for as long as you allow it.  You should have ended this toxic relationship long ago.  This is not normal behavior.

On 6/30/2024 at 4:31 PM, pachinko2124 said:

While I was waiting for her I was just thinking about my high school years and I remembered a few friends and I wanted to find their accounts.

You mean you and her aren't in high school?  Her maturity level is maybe that of a high school freshman.  It's embarrassing how immature she is.  Have higher standards for yourself than this.

[smackie9]

I didn't bother to read your post....the title says it all. You don't teach someone how to love you, nor do you spend your entire time together proving your fidelity/loyalty towards them. When there is no trust, there is no relationship...this is done/over with. Breakup.

Edited July 1, 2024 by smackie9

[basil67]

Ugh, now I see that she's isolated you from your friends.   Yet another tick in the box for a partner being abusive.

Mate, there's a lot of information out there aimed at women who are in emotionally abusive relationships, but make no mistake, you are in the same situation.   And yes, I understand that it's not all bad, but with the far majority of abusers it isn't 100% bad and this is why people struggle to leave.  

Please, please tell someone else in your life what's going on.  Reach back out to your mates.  Tell your parents or a sibling.  Find some support to help you build the strength to get out. 

In the meantime, are you up for some homework?   Can you read this and work out how many boxes her behaviour ticks?   I'm going to guess that she invades your privacy, is possessive and controlling and dismisses your feelings when you express that this isn't OK....but it may be helpful to identify all of what she does

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is behavior from another person that makes you consistently feel badly about yourself, like you just can’t be you. Emotional abuse is not limited to romantic partner, but can be perpetrated by a family member, friend or coworker. Emotional abuse can make you feel guilty, ashamed, silenced, violated, uncomfortable or many other things. Emotional abuse can be harder to identify since no one else can necessarily “see” its effects like they can a bruise, cut, or a scar.

Abusive behavior is often motivated by a desire for power and control but the reasons why that need exists varies. Maybe the person who hurt you didn’t do so on purpose; maybe they did. While it’s helpful to understand the “why”, the reasons are not an excuse for harmful behavior- but they can make everything more confusing. Emotional abuse is complicated and disorienting. Below are 5 common signs of emotional abuse:

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse

 

They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards YouIt is human nature to critique or judge, but in emotionally abusive situations, someone takes it to the next level. This can look like someone is:

Putting you down in front of others

Humiliating or embarrassing you

Using sarcasm or “teasing” or “jokes” to make you feel badly about yourself

Having an opinion about a lot of what you say, do, or think

Upset if/when you don’t agree (e.g., how you dress, how you spend your money, who you spend time with, what you are interested in)

 

They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. We all have the right to our own space. Sometimes it can be tricky to distinguish between the rush and thrill of any new relationship or connection and a violation of your space because you may feel that you want to spend all of your time with this awesome person. This can look like your partner:

Wants to move a relationship faster than you are comfortable with either emotionally or physically (e.g. saying “I love you” very quickly and pressuring you to do the same, pushing you to engage in sexual activities, pushing you to move in together)

Checks your texts messages, email or social media accounts without your permission

 

They are Possessive and/or Controlling The abuser may try to restrict your behavior through unreasonable jealousy such as:

Monitoring your actions

Constantly calling or texting when you are not around

Getting upset when you want to spend time by yourself or with family or friends alone

Isolating you from other people in your life and/or activities you enjoy or work

Demanding access to your phone, email, or social media accounts

 

They are Manipulative. An emotionally abusive person may try many things to get you to do what they want or feel badly, such as:

Withdrawing affection when you’ve done something “wrong”

Ignoring or excluding you

Guilt trips

Making you doubt yourself

Denying something you know is true

 

They Often Dismiss You and Your FeelingsThe abuser might try to play down your emotions or feelings by:

Saying you are too sensitive or calling you crazy

Making fun of your achievements or hopes and dreams

Refusing to talk about or take responsibility for their actions

Blaming you or someone else for their actions (it’s never their fault)

Being indifferent to your feelings

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

She will never change. 

Well, she might some day. People do change. I know women and men who used to be insecure, jealous, paranoid freaks and eventually learned from the errors of their past and grew to be mature people and excellent romantic partners.

What’s certain is that she won’t change because the OP is trying to change himself. She won’t change with the OP around, enabling her folly. Breaking up with her might actually push her onto the path of self-reflection and spiritual growth. Perhaps she’ll understand that if she doesn’t change nobody will want to stay in a relationship with her.

 

[pachinko2124]

I talked to her last night about the whole ordeal. I told her how I didn't like the way she was handling it and that I wanted a healthy relationship where we at least try to trust each other to a degree. She started crying saying that she felt like she was losing me. That I didn't care anymore. She also said how she missed the old me who would listen to him. She said that we were happy and she didn't want what I am right now. I don't get it one moment she was crying because she thought I didn't care and now she's saying that she hates me. Why can't she just pick the let's work on this together approach that i keep asking for her.

 

To top it all up while we were talking she started talking about her first bf who cheated on her after 3 years. Saying things like things were pure back then. While the memories she had with me weren't sincere. Honestly that hurt me. I wasn't yelling or being sarcastic. I just kept my mind calm and I told her that I wasn't in the relationship for just sex we have genuine memories that I care about and she just dismissed it by saying that I always forget them anyways. I asked if she wasn't over her ex. She told me that she did because of me. But things aren't the same things like that. I feel minimized... I don't understand I know it's first love and everything but that doesn't mean I should be anything less right... shouldn't I have equal significance or at least my own value..

[basil67]

@pachinko2124 her lack of personal insight is astounding.  You can talk all you want about your feelings, but she's always going to make you the bad guy.   She's toxic AF

[basil67]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

This seems like a very unhealthy relationship.  You hurt me, I hurt you?????? 

I think I missed something....when did OP hurt his girlfriend?