Gf says she's going to cheat on me because I was being unfaithful to her even though I've been trying to prove my loyalty to her for over a year

[basil67]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

This seems like a very unhealthy relationship.  You hurt me, I hurt you?????? 

I think I missed something....when did OP hurt his girlfriend?

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, pachinko2124 said:

I talked to her last night about the whole ordeal. I told her how I didn't like the way she was handling it and that I wanted a healthy relationship where we at least try to trust each other to a degree. She started crying saying that she felt like she was losing me. That I didn't care anymore. She also said how she missed the old me who would listen to him. She said that we were happy and she didn't want what I am right now. I don't get it one moment she was crying because she thought I didn't care and now she's saying that she hates me. Why can't she just pick the let's work on this together approach that i keep asking for her.

 

To top it all up while we were talking she started talking about her first bf who cheated on her after 3 years. Saying things like things were pure back then. While the memories she had with me weren't sincere. Honestly that hurt me. I wasn't yelling or being sarcastic. I just kept my mind calm and I told her that I wasn't in the relationship for just sex we have genuine memories that I care about and she just dismissed it by saying that I always forget them anyways. I asked if she wasn't over her ex. She told me that she did because of me. But things aren't the same things like that. I feel minimized... I don't understand I know it's first love and everything but that doesn't mean I should be anything less right... shouldn't I have equal significance or at least my own value..

I think this is exactly what what predicted by people in this thread. You asserted yourself and she tried to reign you back in with backhanded platitudes. Its only purpose is to confuse, "I feel like I'm losing you and I feel so sad but it's because YOU don't care any more and it's not the same as it used to be".

I went through something very similar to this with my ex, a lot of love bombing followed by accusations that I didn't care and I was cold an unloving compared to the guys she'd been with before.

My guess with her as with your situation is that she's stuck in the hurt of past relationships, stretching back most likely to her father. Because of this she's not able to give herself fully and unconditionally to you and her way of dealing with the deep subconscious guilt is to project malice on to you.

For your own sake it's time to let go. It's not going to get better and will just lead most likely to constant fighting and infidelity on her end as a way to lash out, as she's already mentioned.

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@pachinko2124 her lack of personal insight is astounding.  You can talk all you want about your feelings, but she's always going to make you the bad guy.   She's toxic AF

I think it usually is where jealousy is concerned. If a healthy partner seriously suspects their partner is cheating on them they confront them calmly and if their suspicions are confirmed they leave.

This kind of hot and cold at the same time love-bombing/accusation cycle isn't about suspicion of infidelity in this relationship but a deeply held personal insecurity that they are unlovable and everyone in their life just wants to leave them. It's unfixable because the root of it lies with her and she's not even aware of it.

OP I think your only mistake is tolerating it, she may have chosen you because sub-consciously she knows you might be willing to indulge this kind of behaviour. You'd be doing her a favour by leaving and giving her a chance to reflect on her own actions.

She might not learn from it regardless but that's her cross to bear. You're better off without that kind of thing in your life.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, pachinko2124 said:

She started crying saying that she felt like she was losing me. That I didn't care anymore. She also said how she missed the old me who would listen to him. She said that we were happy and she didn't want what I am right now. I don't get it one moment she was crying because she thought I didn't care and now she's saying that she hates me.

Typical emotional abuser talk.

They cry, play the victim card, try making you feel like a piece of s***, blame you for their own problems.

OP, run away from her. She isn’t willing to change at all. Stop asking all those “whys” and “hows”, just leave.

[basil67]

@pachinko2124 Have you told your family yet?  And reestablished contact with your mates?  With regards to your mates, if you tell them about your situation, I'm sure they'll have your back.  Further, if she finds out you've been in contact with them, tell her that she can accept your mates as part of the deal or leave

[BaileyB]

You should leave. Don’t waste your time with someone who would manipulate and threaten you with infidelity in this way… Thats brutal. 

[FredEire]

I split up with my ex twice. When I made the mistake of getting back with her the first time she told me that me that while we'd been apart she'd "thought she should probably go out and hook up with someone because that's what I'd be doing".

I see a lot of this kind of thing in your story, it's like taking your hand and then using it to slap you. I'd been devastated after the breakup and sleeping with someone else was probably the furthest thing from my mind, but the desired effect was to twist me into an emotional pretzel and it worked.

Don't be fooled, she's not doing any of this because she cares about you. In fact she probably recognises on some level that she's emotionally unavailable and she wants you to be at fault for the end of your relationship.

[mark clemson]

Agree with most if not all of what's been written above.

OP, this person is indeed quite toxic at this point in her life. It's good you came here and are getting advice rather than potentially getting reeled back in or similar.

Time to bite the bullet and let her go completely if that wasn't the plan already. You are, TBQH better off alone. And know that it's overwhelming likely you'll be MUCH better off with a different partner.