mortensorchid Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 (edited) RI have been with my bf for almost 2 years. I fear that he is reaching that "fish or cut bait" moment and is ghosting me ... His health has been bad for the last few weeks (see other threads on this). He went from being a healthy, vibrant person to being a slug that sits around the house. He is in so much pain he can barely move - he has IBS, his belly got rock hard. He told me he has financial problems - is unable to work a summer job - and had to borrow money from his father. I tried to help him out - I took his car to a shop to get a tire fixed, then I grocery shopped for him. He said he'd pay me back for it. I took him to the ER and they were unsure of what to do. They had him go to a gastro for a colonoscopy, but it was canceled as the stuff they make you drink to clean you out would have dehydrated him too much. I was outraged. I went to the doctor for a physical and got the names of other gastros for a 2nd opinion. I called many times and he's not answering his phone. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. On my last message I said to him I am concerned about your health which is why I called so often and I will back off now. Call me when you are ready. That was 3 days ago... I am afraid I am being ghosted. What do others think? Edited October 12 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 Are you sure he's not in the hospital? Sounds like 2 weeks is too long for IBS. Outside of that, he's borrowing money and not paying it back, so maybe he's embarrassed? I don't want to raise a red flag, but something's not right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 OP, if I recall correctly, you’ve described your current BF as an “Earl” (solid, dependable, nice guy you don’t have a strong passion for), and you’re still missing your “Bucket” (an unreliable man you were deeply in love with). Of course I can only speak for myself, but the slightest suggestion of the idea that I’m only an “Earl” for my partner would drive me far away. Personally, I don’t think that a man can be truly happy when he’s been relegated to the status of an “Earl”. I’m fairly sure your BF feels and knows that he isn’t your greatest love. That alone may account for his mental (and possibly even physical) problems. I don’t think it’s normal to ignore your partner for such a long time. One can deduce from your previous posts about these issues that your problems with your BF go way beyond his IBS. Perhaps it’s time for you to seriously reconsider whether you want to be in this relationship at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 (edited) I'm going out on a limb here: The way this guy acts and how you have to step in to be like his mother has made me feel like there's something wrong with him all along. From helping him get work in the beginning right through to managing his health for him now. You're doing stuff for him which any adult should be able to do for themselves. It could be that he's annoyed at you for forcing him to get medical help and in typical fashion, is now ignoring you AND his health. To be clear, you're not the bad guy. And I'm not criticising you for stepping in and helping your partner when he's in need. Of course, you don't want to see him get sicker! But what does his own inaction tell you about him? Honestly, the guy sounds like he couldn't put his own arse out if it was on fire. Edited July 1 by basil67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 Do you have a key to his place? Given the state of his health, I don't think it would be unreasonable to let yourself in if he doesn't answer to your knocking Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 I think you oughta go by his place, look through some windows and see if he's laying on the floor. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 I was driving around today and thought "you haven't heard from him in 11 days... He wouldn't mind if you popped by." So I went to his apartment building, then unlocked the door and the chain lock was still on. I thought "I don't like that". I went down to thr manager's office and said I am concerned about someone who lives in thr building. They said they couldn't do anything unless I called the police so I did. The police came, then an ambulance and fire truck I thought "Oh my God...". They took him away and I followed them to the hospital. I parked and came in to the ER. His eyes were open but he wasn't there. He was twitching somewhat. The nurses asked him of you can hear me, wiggle your fingers and toes, and he kind of did. They took him away for a CT scan, chest x rays, labs, etc. He was making sounds like grunts. They left me in the room with him for a while. I put my face doen near him and said "It's me... Can you hear me?" He made a grunt sound but his eyes were closed and he moved a bit. I put my hand in his and said "if you can hear me squeeze my hand". He kind of did. I called his brother to let him know of this. He said he was on his way to see him. I left the hospital then his brother told me that they put a tube down his throat and he's going to the ICU. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 I’m so sorry to hear this update. You did the right thing by checking on him and calling 911. He is getting the care that he needs now… I hope he has a good recovery. Do you have a friend or someone that you can call to offer you some support. This is really difficult - please take care of yourself. (((Hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 Oh how frightening! You did exactly the right thing - please keep us updated. (((hugs))) from me too Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 That was good thinking on your part, thank goodness. You've seen him twice in 'weeks". That's what you said in your last thread. It's not like he was ghosting you, it's more like you were ghosting him. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 Does he have any mental issues (depression or the like)? It seems that he is just retreating and locking everyone out as he deals with both his physical and mental issues. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 To be fair, the stress of a physical illness can cause a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety. It’s not uncommon for people to withdraw when they are not feeling well and very anxious about their situation - even more so when they are underinsured and/or having difficult accessing care. Is there any update today Mortensorchid? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 (edited) I am honestly alarmed and perplexed that it took LS posters to convince you to drop by his apartment to check on him, when you have been dating this person for 2 years and haven't heard from him in 11 days. Your first thought was that he was ghosting you, despite the severe health problems leading up to this, and the fact that you've been together for, again, 2 years. How did this happen?! I'm sorry to hear about the incident and I hope he makes a full recovery. That being said, after this blows over, I think you need to have a serious think about your self-sabotaging attitude in relationships, whether it's based on the context of this relationship (and therefore means that it was justified and the relationship isn't right for you) or your past history (which means that you're being unfair to this guy). If I was him and my partner of 2 years hadn't bothered to check on me for 11 days, especially during a serious health episode, I would have been extremely disappointed (and terrified, while lying alone on the floor unable to move), and it wouldn't be something that I'd be able to come back from. Most people would expect their long-term partner to have their back during times like this - it's not like you were dating for 2 months. Edited July 2 by Els 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 (edited) 4 hours ago, Els said: If I was him and my partner of 2 years hadn't bothered to check on me for 11 days, especially during a serious health episode, I would have been extremely disappointed (and terrified, while lying alone on the floor unable to move), and it wouldn't be something that I'd be able to come back from. Most people would expect their long-term partner to have their back during times like this - it's not like you were dating for 2 months. Harsh, but true. Though in Mortens defense, I wonder if he was the kind who rarely reached out and was waiting for her to do it all ...it would be in keeping with her helping him finding work and in seeking healthcare. It's all very odd Edited July 2 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 I might be completely wrong and out of line here, so I apologize in advance, but I do think that all this is happening at least partly because the OP has never truly loved this man and has been longing for the ex from her youth all this time, as she mentioned in her earlier thread about “Bucket” and “Earl”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 I went to the hospital twice today. He is improving according to the nurses. He could open his eyes and blink on command, he could squeeze someone's hand on command. I came by and laid my face down near his and said "Hi there, it's me". He didn't open his eyes because they had given him some drugs and he was under. The nurses tried to get him to wake up but it didn't happen. They are doing an MRI of the brain tomorrow, he has cirrhosis and possibly meningitis (they did a spinal tap). They are treating him as if he has meningitis- loading him up with antibiotics. I asked the nurse what are his chances? She said she has seen 50/50 - one day they wake up and they are back to normal, the others crash and that's the end. I have not shed a single tear and I have not faltered. If I give up on him, he dies. And I won't give up on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 14 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I went to the hospital twice today. He is improving according to the nurses. He could open his eyes and blink on command, he could squeeze someone's hand on command. I came by and laid my face down near his and said "Hi there, it's me". He didn't open his eyes because they had given him some drugs and he was under. The nurses tried to get him to wake up but it didn't happen. They are doing an MRI of the brain tomorrow, he has cirrhosis and possibly meningitis (they did a spinal tap). They are treating him as if he has meningitis- loading him up with antibiotics. I asked the nurse what are his chances? She said she has seen 50/50 - one day they wake up and they are back to normal, the others crash and that's the end. I have not shed a single tear and I have not faltered. If I give up on him, he dies. And I won't give up on him. Oh my goodness, this is truly heart-wrenching to read. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to be there for them and be their rock, and that is so admirable. I can only imagine how much strength and courage it must take to stay strong and hopeful in the midst of such uncertainty. While it's hard to say what the outcome will be, I agree with your mindset of not giving up. Every day is a new day, and the fact that the nurses are seeing improvements is a good sign. Keep holding onto hope and staying by your loved one's side through this journey. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 3 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I have not shed a single tear and I have not faltered. I’m sure that he know you are there. Sending positive thoughts of healing, please get some rest when you can. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 This is terrible news. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 This is really sad to read. I am sure that there is much else you can do. Hopefully, he will come to his senses 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 4 Share Posted July 4 That is a shocking update! I hope all goes well for him. I will keep both of you in my thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted July 6 Author Share Posted July 6 I am the only one who comes to see him. I am known now as The Girlfriend in the ICU. Everyday is a struggle but we'll get through this, I tell him. Ruled out some things after a spinal tap and did an MRI on his brain : Encephalitis not meningitis, bedsores are getting better (he was laying still for days), he has cirrhosis, still determining his mental status. I laid my head on his chest and said "I miss you". I know this won't be like in the movies where he will look in my eyes and then rise and I'll say "Come on, baby, come back to me" and he will. I tell him everyday of things that I am doing and fight this so that we can have a future together. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 You've been together for 2 years - surely you know friends or family of his who would come to visit if they knew he was in the hospital in this condition? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 Is he actually in contact with his friends and family? I can't help but wonder if he's alienated himself Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 7 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I tell him everyday of things that I am doing and fight this so that we can have a future together Morten: You are not in love with this man, don't confuse caring and loving. Don't lie to him or to yourself. Why he has cirrhosis? Is he an alcoholic? Link to post Share on other sites
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