surrounded by narcissists

[Scapegoat]

I'm in the process of trying divorce a narcissist that has spread rumors in my family about me.  My family seems to cater to my ex because he uses access to my kids as leverage.  My dad is also a narcissist, and we are estranged, yet he keeps in contact with my ex, who gives him access to my kids.  My ex does not give me access to my kids because he managed to convince the court I was crazy with a smear campaign.  My ex and father bring drama to the family and my aunt seems to keep me at arm's length because of their lies.  She also does not speak to my father because of his drama.  She won't tell me anything about my kids or give me any pics because she says she doesn't want to get caught in the middle.  Most recently she cut off my husband and no longer has access to my kids, despite my asking her to keep speaking to my kids so they have some connection to my family.  My husband most recently made up a lie that her husband molested me as a child.  He told my father this lie and then my father told my grandmother out of spite for me and my aunt.  My grandmother called me to ask if it was true, after she told my aunt.  I told her it was a lie.  Now my aunt hasn't spoken to me, despite me telling my grandma it's an utter lie.  I know they have spoken about it because my grandmother told me not to contact my aunt because she needed time to calm down.  My aunt never contacted me to see if I was upset or to speak with me directly.  She makes me feel like an outcast on my own family by not inviting me to family gatherings she is hosting in her home and hasn't offered for me to stay with her when I've mentioned I wanted to go back to my hometown for a visit.  This was even before this lie came out.  When I was married she and her family ALWAYS stayed with me, when they visited from out of town.  I feel as though I am being blamed and shamed for this drama with this looming divorce and all the drama my ex brings to the table. 

I'm having a hard time with all of this because I love my family, but they treat me like I'M the problems, rather than my ex-husband.  I'm so sad and lonely without being able to see my family, but I feel like I'm always getting dumped on and that they don't even care if I'm around.  I was homeless and destitute for nearly four years and have been trying to get back on my feet.  My aunt hasn't asked about what happened to me at all and doesn't seem to care as she's always focusing on her kids, grandkids and life.  She is always busy and doesn't seem to care if she sees me.  I'm trying to figure out if I should keep trying to be a part of this family, or let my ex win and alienate me from them all.  I feel as though they couldn't care less if I'm around because I bring all this drama from my ex even though I've had absolutely no contact with him for FIVE YEARS.

Please offer this scapegoat some advice on how to handle this.  I could keep trying or give up, but either way I feel alone and isolated, which is exactly what my ex and father are trying to achieve- to isolate and alienate the target victim...ME. 

[stillafool]

What happened that your husband took your kids away from you?  Has the court set up a visitation order for you to see them?  Why can't you stay with your grandmother or another relative instead of your aunt when you go back to your town?  Why were you homeless and destitute for 4 years?  Sorry for all the questions but I need more context before I can give an opinion.

[basil67]

I too have a lot of questions.  On top of @stillafool's questions

3 hours ago, Scapegoat said:

My ex does not give me access to my kids because he managed to convince the court I was crazy with a smear campaign

This does not make sense.  Plenty of exes maintain access despite having very volatile relationships and saying dreadful things or even after domestic abuse.   And they get granted supervised access if they have problems with addiction or mental health.  

And why do you only mention your father and aunt?  What of your mother?  Siblings?  Other aunts and uncles?  

 

[MsJayne]

While it's common for a narc to launch a smear campaign, it's not so common for them to get away with fooling an entire court system, so can you give us some context on how he managed to convince lawyers and other professionals that you're so unstable you should be denied access to your children? Normally there'd be an attempt at mediation in a child custody case, and any sort of coercion or bullying tactics by a narc will usually become apparent during that process, and, unless the people making the judgments are all incompetent, they would figure out what was going on. It's very rare for a mother to be denied access to their children unless the court has seen hard evidence, (stuff like drug or alcohol abuse, child abuse, evidence of neglect, etc), that the mother is unfit to care for the children. I'd leave your aunt out of it as it sounds like she's had enough of the toxic family dynamic. 

[basil67]

OP's info is no longer clickable.  Must be banned or abandoned thread