Broke up 6 months ago: What's wrong with me and what's happening to me?

[HopelessNick]

I'm 28, had always been a loner, stayed home all day, was a virgin and had zero friends. I was actually never interested in getting friends for some reason. I only wanted a girlfriend. I never looked after myself, never brushed my teeth, never showered, but no one every noticed for some reason. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I never ever felt lonely.

Anyway, I would fall in love with any girl who payed any attention to me, spoke to me and wasn't ugly and fat. They only came in the form of college dorm members back in the day and now only colleagues. However, I was always too scared to do or say anything except talk about important stuff and be humorous. The only reason I'm comfortable with making jokes is because I've been told my many I'm a humourous guy. Otherwise, I would just be quiet and be happy to get any attention from them. I would then go home, imagine myself in a relationship with them and cry myself to sleep imagining them rejecting me. I didn't care about myself, I only cared about those girls.

Anyway, one of them became my girlfriend. I only managed to get her because I snooped through her Instagram messages at work and read up on how guys flirted with her and I did something similar. I also noticed she was involved in an affair (the mistress) with a married man in a different state but I didn't care. (She never knew I snooped). I purposely called her out on it and pretended to be upset. She begged me to stay twice and of course I was never going to leave. I would also only brush my teeth and shower when I knew I would spend time with her.

Anyway, she and I were together for 6 months. She would always tell me I was one of the sweetest, caring and loving people she had ever come across. I put so much effort in with her and tried to love her so much to help her get rid of the married man (I would have done so even if there was no affair). I tried to get rid of him because it didn't feel right having another person there. We broke up 6 months ago because I cried saying the affair (which was still happening but she didn't know I knew) was too much for me and she broke up with me because she said she couldn't keep seeing me this hurt.

In the first 2/3 months we were together, I was so in love with her. I cared about how her day was and what she was up to. I wanted her to be happy and wanted to make her feel better and be there for her. I cared that she was safe and always told her to tell me when she got home safe.

For the next 3 months until the end, I felt lulls for some reason (a couple of times after sex) and started to care less about those things I mentioned above.

After we broke up, we stayed in contact for 6 months and we still loved each other. I was still in loved her so much and we saw each other less and less, but still spoke most days. As time went on I missed her more and more and just wanted to be with her so badly it hurt so much. Every time I had her, it just felt my world was back in place. She then said she stopped being in love with me romantically 3 months or so after we broke up but said she she still loved and cared about me. The last time we saw each other in person was 7 weeks ago.

Last week, she messaged me that she was going to stop talking to me because she had a new boyfriend, but would always still love and care about me, just in a different way. I felt I lost her completely so, I thought I'd tell her the truth about the snooping. I sent her a confessions email. She thanked me for telling her, wished me the best, but said I exploited her and would never trust me again for the rest of her life. She was happy to be on talking terms and civil one day though.

I didn't care though. I was just devastated to not have her anymore. One thing I've always done is self sabotage and she know that. Anyway, I was so devastated, I started lying about never loving her, just there for the sex, can't stand her for the cheating (which stopped a couple of months back and told her I forgave her which I did). I hurt her purposely and said horrible things to her and threatened to reveal the affair to her sister if she didn't send me nudes (I didn't want the nudes, just wanted to hurt her). I did everything I could to make her hate me and never want to speak to me again which hurt me so much doing it, but I thought it would be easier getting over her when she hated me.

I want to apologise to her so much, and explain why I did what I did, but I think the damage is done and she'll hate me forever. I really do to love her so much and maybe I'm so still in love with her.

BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ME NOW.

This has been going on for about 1/2 months. I don't care about how her day is and what she's up to, I don't care if she's happy or not, I don't care if she's safe or alright, I stopped getting her to tell me when she got home safe a long time ago. I don’t care if I find out she’s terminally ill, if she's alive, I want her in my arms. I could see her being bashed up and I wouldn't feel a thing, I just want her here. I wish we were still together, because I could have her here. I don’t want just anyone here, I want it to be her.

Today, I saw a post of her in the arms of her new boyfriend. I wish I was him because he’s got her company whenever he wants. I just wish I could have sex with her and cuddle up with her in bed both smiling.

I JUST WANT HER IN MY ARMS BECAUSE EVERYTHING JUST FEELS SO RIGHT AND GOOD AND COMFORTABLE.

What is happening to me? I still feel like I'm so in love with her. I love her so much. I want to apologise to her and be with her again. Can I reach out and apologise after her birthday in November?

[Gebidozo]

Nick, you’ve already posted about this in your earlier thread, but this one sums up everything nicely and I’m going to tell you very bluntly what’s wrong with you.

Here is what’s happening to you: you got together with that girl while having very little self respect and essentially seeking a codependent relationship. You never loved her. As you put it yourself, quite honestly:

26 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

I would fall in love with any girl who payed any attention to me, spoke to me and wasn't ugly and fat.

This, alone, is already reason enough for your current misery. You can’t be together with people because you just want to be together with someone. It’s humiliating, harmful, and has nothing to do with love. I repeat: you never loved that girl. You don’t love her now. It’s just your insecurity and weakness talking. You still need to learn how to love someone.

There is more. She never loved you. You must understand that. If she had loved you, she’d never be together with that married man while still being in a relationship with you.

Repeat this to yourself like a mantra: this wasn’t love.

You have to let it go. She never was truly yours, and she surely isn’t yours now. She is with another man. You must learn to be alone, to love and respect yourself. Please seek out a good therapist. You must work on your mental issues before you attempt to enter another relationship. 

[HopelessNick]

25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You never loved her. As you put it yourself, quite honestly:

It's humiliating, harmful, and has nothing to do with love. I repeat: you never loved that girl. You don’t love her now.

She never loved you. If she had loved you, she’d never be together with that married man while still being in a relationship with you.

You must work on your mental issues before you attempt to enter another relationship. 

Then why did it and does still very much feel like love? We always told each other we loved each other and I definitely meant it and it was quite emotional sometimes.

☆☆☆

Humiliating and harmful to who and how? 

☆☆☆

If she never loved me why did she be with me? Was she stringing me along the whole time? When I hurt her ( i still want to apologise and tell her I did it to self sabotage) she said she couldn't believe I'd do it to her when she loved me and looked after me so well. She said she always did everything she could to "make sure I knew I deserved to be loved" in her words.

After I hurt her she said "I always help people and let people help me. I put in the hard yards and now I have amazing friends, a job I love, a boyfriend who loves me and I'm very happy. That's all I ever wanted for you but you didnt let me. I was the first person in the world to take a chance on you and you didnt let me". She was right. I did try, but it was too hard and I was too focussed on loving her.

Affair aside, she really did treat me so well and was always there for me when I needed someone. She she taught me so much and a while after we broke up, her exact words were "I fell in love with the boy hoping to get the man". I was a boy because I had no life experience and I felt like one too, even before we met. 

Are you sure she never loved me?

☆☆☆

What mental issues do I have?

Edited July 2 by HopelessNick

[ExpatInItaly]

How is this different from your previous thread?

You need therapy, Nick. Your problems go beyond the scope of what anyone here can help you with. 

[basil67]

I agree, this question is way above our paygrade.   Do you hare a therapist?

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Then why did it and does still very much feel like love? We always told each other we loved each other and I definitely meant it and it was quite emotional sometimes.

 

Because you don’t know yet what love is, you’re too young and immature. I’m sure you meant it and it was emotional. At some point in your future you’ll understand that love is much more than just that.

6 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Humiliating and harmful to who and how? 

Humiliating and harmful to both yourself and your partner. 

You say you’d fall in love with any girl who’d notice you. You say you used some ruse to “get” this girl (by the way, this is a terrible expression. Women aren’t objects that you can “get”). You say you knew she was in an affair with another man while being with you and you still think she loved you. 

You can’t be in a relationship with anyone currently if any of the above is true. You need to work on these serious emotional and mental problems of yours first.
 

7 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Are you sure she never loved me?

Actually, who cares? This girl clearly has emotional problems of her own. None of the things she told you that you quoted here make any sense to me. She had an affair while being with you, and your relationship only lasted six months! If you want to believe she loved you, sure, go ahead.

But that’s really not the point anymore. It doesn’t matter how to call what she used to feel for you. She isn’t your girlfriend anymore, and she has another man. Now, please be a man yourself, step aside, stop humiliating yourself further, stop bothering her, and get some therapy, you really need it.

[HopelessNick]

The only thing I miss about her is the intimacy and her doing baby talk with me and kissing me and snuggling in tight and being silly with each other. And when I see her with her new bf, it makes me sad that he gets that now.

Does that show I never really loved her? Or is it normal to feel like that after a relationship?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

The only thing I miss about her is the intimacy and her doing baby talk with me and kissing me and snuggling in tight and being silly with each other. And when I see her with her new bf, it makes me sad that he gets that now.

Does that show I never really loved her? Or is it normal to feel like that after a relationship?

Yeah, it kinda does show that you never loved her.   What you're loving is having a girlfriend experience  There's nothing here about who she is as a person

[HopelessNick]

22 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

She messaged me that she was going to stop talking to me because she had a new boyfriend, but would always still love and care about me, just in a different way. I felt I lost her completely so, I thought I'd tell her the truth about the snooping. I sent her a confessions email. She thanked me for telling her, wished me the best, but said I exploited her and would never trust me again for the rest of her life. She was happy to be on talking terms and civil one day though.

I didn't care though. I was just devastated to not have her anymore. One thing I've always done is self sabotage and she know that. Anyway, I was so devastated, I started lying about never loving her, just there for the sex, can't stand her for the cheating (which stopped a couple of months back and told her I forgave her which I did). I hurt her purposely and said horrible things to her and threatened to reveal the affair to her sister if she didn't send me nudes (I didn't want the nudes, just wanted to hurt her). I did everything I could to make her hate me and never want to speak to me again which hurt me so much doing it, but I thought it would be easier getting over her when she hated me.

I want to apologise to her so much.

I don't think anyone's touched on this yet. I hurt her through a fake email because I'm a coward. Anyway, she eventually blocked the email, but all the damage was already done. I want to emphasise that all the things I told her to hurt her were not true and I was never after nudes. I just wanted to hurt her. I made things up to really hurt her and I know she was. 

I really do want to apologise with my real email so she knows I'm sincere, but maybe it's too early because it's only been 2 days? 

She said "Fine. Tell my sister, tell the whole word, I don't care anymore."

I don't want her thinking I'll tell her sister about the affair because I won't. 

Anyway, I want to apologise. And maybe be amicable one day in the future.  

Edited July 3 by HopelessNick

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

The only thing I miss about her is the intimacy and her doing baby talk with me and kissing me and snuggling in tight and being silly with each other. And when I see her with her new bf, it makes me sad that he gets that now.

Does that show I never really loved her? Or is it normal to feel like that after a relationship?

It’s normal to feel like this, but this is all you talk about. It’s not love to her that emanates from your words, it’s your needs. It’s your emotional neediness, your weaknesses, your insecurity talking. There is no real love in what you’ve written here.

[Gebidozo]

28 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Anyway, I want to apologise. And maybe be amicable one day in the future.  

I don’t think she needs your apology. It sounds like you need it. Again, you’re thinking about yourself, not about her. If you loved her, you’d never hurt her, especially not in such a despicable way.

That said, I think that a short, sincere apology without any expectations would be fine. Just tell her that you’re deeply sorry, and that you’re out of her life. I don’t think that will bother her too much.

[HopelessNick]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t think she needs your apology. It sounds like you need it. Again, you’re thinking about yourself, not about her. If you loved her, you’d never hurt her, especially not in such a despicable way.

That said, I think that a short, sincere apology without any expectations would be fine. Just tell her that you’re deeply sorry, and that you’re out of her life. I don’t think that will bother her too much.

What if I wait till I'm completely over her and moving on with life. Maybe sometime next year. 

If I remember to, then I will. If I don't then I won't? I know she is really really hurt. Despite what you say, she really did at least think she loved and cared about me. Maybe it was the same way I did. Thinking I loved her, but now I'm realising I didn't. Maybe she's in a similar boat. She was broken when we got together. 

Edited July 3 by HopelessNick

[HopelessNick]

Also, can someone explain to me why I would have lulls during the relationship? There were times where I just wanted to not hear from her. I also remember a time we had sex in the car after work. Afterwards, I had a lull immediately and just wanted her to leave. I didn't say anything and just cuddled her because that's what she wanted, but why would I have lulls? Is that a sign I didn't love her as well? 

Edited July 3 by HopelessNick

[semble]

Maybe you didn't want to take so many showers.

[mark clemson]

On 7/2/2024 at 9:12 AM, HopelessNick said:

What is happening to me? I still feel like I'm so in love with her.

You might have breakup limerence. Breakups sometimes cause limerence. Read up on limerence and see if it seems to apply to your situation.

It might just be the normal dopamine drop associated with breakups and you're simply not used to it.

On 7/2/2024 at 9:12 AM, HopelessNick said:

I would also only brush my teeth and shower when I knew I would spend time with her.

Do you write things like this just to troll us?  You are aware that not brushing your teeth regularly will lead to losing them (and likely a host of associated health problems), correct?

Reading this makes me wonder if your post is even real. If it is, I agree with several above that you need help that is above our paygrade here.

Edited July 3 by mark clemson

[HopelessNick]

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Do you write things like this just to troll us?  You are aware that not brushing your teeth regularly will lead to losing them (and likely a host of associated health problems), correct?

I don't care about that and I never cared about that when we were together. I only cared about her.

[mark clemson]

That's not a straight answer to my question.

[SurfCity]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Do you write things like this just to troll us? 

He's admitted in his threads from years ago that he struggles with basic hygiene, basic social skills, and stalking behavior. He needs help, but he ignores all comments to seek professional help.

The fact is is that he saw a girl that he was physically attracted to at work and hacked her work computer and personal cell phone and then used what he found to manipulate her into a relationship with him. And now he's trying to use that info to emotionally hurt her and blackmail her into coming back to him. She quit her job and moved to another state...most likely to get away from him.

I don't that think he's trolling, I think that he has pretty serious problems/issues.

[HopelessNick]

3 hours ago, SurfCity said:

She quit her job and moved to another state...most likely to get away from him.

I think I explained it before. She lives in another state and was still living there when we were colleagues. Just drove an hour for work. Yes it was to get away from me because we still "loved each other" at the time and it was too hard for her to see me everyday. As I've mentioned  in this thread, we continued to see each other afterwards in hotel rooms, and it was always on her terms when we'd meet up.

Edited July 3 by HopelessNick

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Also, can someone explain to me why I would have lulls during the relationship? There were times where I just wanted to not hear from her. I also remember a time we had sex in the car after work. Afterwards, I had a lull immediately and just wanted her to leave. I didn't say anything and just cuddled her because that's what she wanted, but why would I have lulls? Is that a sign I didn't love her as well? 

I don’t know. Normally, I’d say there is nothing wrong with wanting some time for yourself. You can love a person very deeply and yet sometimes need a little break from that person. It’s completely normal and actually most couples are like that. But in your case, I really can’t tell. I get a very strange vibe from your entire story.

[HopelessNick]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Normally, I’d say there is nothing wrong with wanting some time for yourself. I get a very strange vibe from your entire story.

We had a lot of time to ourselves because we only saw each other 24/7 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and at work on Thursdays and Fridays. I work weekends so we never saw each other then.

What vibe do you get?

[semble]

I just want to know if the Op still has all his teeth.

[HopelessNick]

I think what I'm struggling with most is the fairness. 

She cheated on me multiple times, but I kept giving her chances and she knows it and she was always grateful. But then she breaks up with me because I don't put enough effort into improving myself. Well how can I when I'm too focused on helping her stop the affair when she's the one who tells me she really wants to stop? She then continued to tell me she loved me and was so grateful for saving her life. And in return, she said always tried to bring the best out of me (ie. be more social, outgoing, etc.) and tried to show me that I deserved to be loved etc. 

After we broke up, we still felt like we were still in love with other (right person wrong time).

She then said we were best friends and hoped it would be like that forever. We were for a few months and slept in hotel rooms every now and then. And then after I send an email to myself with screenshots of the affair and pretend a stranger sent it to me (she believed me), it made her stop the affair because she was scared someone was out there (not me) trying to ruin her life. I did it because I wanted to stop the affair. In the aftermath of it, she said she stopped being in love with me a while ago.

After our 10th night or so in a hotel, she promised me we would see each other again, but then she starts drifting away from me saying she says we need to stop relying on each other. When we started drifting apart, I told her how much I missed talking to her, seeing her. I kept asking her to spend another night with me, but she kept telling me she was busy. And now she has a boyfriend and I will never see her again. 

How could she do that to me? I did so much for her, put her needs ahead of mine the whole time and she couldn't even see me one more time.

Anyway, I didn't want her still hurting from the emails, so I tell her I sent the email and she was so angry with me because she said at the time, she begged and begged me to tell her the truth but I never did until now. She was angry with me for making her think someone out in the world was trying to ruin her life. She said she could never trust me ever again. And also, after that, I kept trying to tell her I had good intentions and all that and she told me to stop pestering her because it was suffocating. She even had the nerve to say "What did I ever do to you". Is she kidding? 

Is that fair? Like, she cheated on me multiple times and I forgive her. I send the screenshots and tell her it wasn't me and she doesn't forgive me. I do one thing and she chooses to not give me any chances. 

Anyway, it was the unfairness of that and never being able to see her again abruptly that made me say some hurtful things to her afterwards (which I am truly sorry for) and she said I attacked all of her insecurities and made her feel unsafe and she said "I really hope you get the help you need. That was one of the worst things anyone has ever done to me." 

I mean come on! Something had to give. I was so angry, which was was I said those things too. I know I snooped, but I didn't tell her until after the boyfriend. 

It makes me so angry that it's always on her terms. I do everything for her, and when I saw her after the breakup, and everything else after the break up was done on HER terms. Am I right to feel this way?  Is she a bad person? Am I a bad person? Or are we both bad people? 

 

 

Edited July 4 by HopelessNick

[Gebidozo]

19 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Am I right to feel this way?  Is she a bad person? Am I a bad person? Or are we both bad people? 

I don’t think you’re necessarily bad, but you’re very immature.

There is no fairness in those things. People have feelings, people get together, people break up. That’s it. You need to be less concerned about the “fairness” of all this and more concerned about your own state of mind and your own integrity.

Snooping, spying, blackmailing, threatening, badmouthing, emotionally pressuring - all these are the opposite of manly behavior. As long as you keep doing any of these things, women will keep breaking up with you and disrespecting you. 

[HopelessNick]

Am I a sociopath?