Loss of a maternal figure

[Under_The_Bridge]

Hi everyone! I hope everyone is having a great day! I have a complex issue, maybe a mother can help me understand?

This is a very touchy subject, and this subject means a lot to me, and it might come off weird, but please don't take anything here the wrong way. This is also VERY hard to put into words, so I hope you can at least grasp the main idea I'm portraying here. Ultimately I am asking for help to clarify feelings I have, if it's wrong I feel a certain way, and what you think I should do.

Okay so. To start off, some important related info - I am just exiting my 20's (age), but I still look SUPER young. In fact I look so young, men call me names like "buddy", and things you would call someone much younger than my age. I not only look young, I come off young, and I feel SUPER young inside. No I'm not disabled, I just feel like a well preserved child inside and out. I can get away acting like a child basically, where a lot of men wouldn't because they look grown. So I'm in a VERY weird position to harness a maternal mother by my side, and live with her in a loving child/mother bond. I know this sounds weird, but if you read below, I was able to find someone that matched my energy

Okay so oddlyyyyy enough, regarding the above information, it's come to my attention that I'm actually NOT that attracted to a relationship as far as romance with a girl MY age, but more so a maternal relationship with an older women. Now this can actually go both ways and idc which way it goes, if the older women wanted romance, I would want to pursue that, or if she didn't then I wouldn't. But what matters is the maternal connection I form*** and how well we get along (personality wise), and ultimately the love I can exchange between each other as a result of this bond.

...

OK sooooo. With all that being said. Under my nose, without realizing, I was living everyday around a women that was older than I am, and she's very maternal and motherly. She's very beautiful, almost like a model, except more of a motherly figure looking model. Me and her were getting along VERY well lately, after we began talking more due to circumstances bringing us closer together (I'm not going to give you guys details on circumstances). I noticed subtly that I was able to express my childish self around her, talk with a childish/cute voice, smile at her with a big happy smile, and joke around and tease her and stuff, and I would be greeted back with smiles too and a warm loving person in return who would joke around with me also, and show interest in being around me. It was like a little boys dream come true being around a such a wonderful mother figure.

Well 😢 (okay guise I almost want to cry just typing this). But due to unfortunate circumstances, this person is now no longer around me on a very frequent basis (nothing me or her did, just outside world circumstances). I didn't believe them when they said something would happen, and it happened. So the day before they told me something would happen, I panicked later on, and I started to feel sick inside my stomach, I couldn't eat, I felt like puking almost and I couldn't sleep, I had no idea why though. Then the next day came and sure enough me and her found out we would no longer be able to spend time together. It wasn't until this moment that I realized I was growing a bond with her that was so deep, over the next few days the break of this bond would tear me into pieces. I wanted to cry, I felt an empty pit in my body, I felt empty, life felt void, I would start breathing very hard at night, I was hugging my blanket wanting to cry because I had lost this motherly figure. Everywhere I go where we use to frequent, now feels sick, nasty, icky, and just so gross, I almost want to jump out of my skin. All my music is giving me different emotional responses. I feel like something was ripped from my body so powerfully I don't even want to sit here right now in my chair, I want to run into her arms and hug her and cry like a child.

So I never did tell her anything "mushy" like the above information, I did tell her after this happened that I almost cried and that was about it, otherwise I would've never approached her at all with any "deep" convo, I would've just enjoyed the everyday encounters with her.

So can someone help give me some thoughts on this please. How could another mother grow such a strong bond on me, stronger than a romantic relationship, and this person is NOT my biological mother. I have a firm belief that the family were born with is not always our true family, that we can find that family with strangers.

Also what do ya'll think I should do? I might be able to still see this person, but that isn't helping right now, I am feeling like ripped apart from the loss of this person from a frequent basis I saw them on. Should I attempt to explain my feelings to them? I never did, so maybe that's not appropriate because they're not technically my mom. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it okay to look for a mother figure in my life?

 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

How could another mother grow such a strong bond on me, stronger than a romantic relationship, and this person is NOT my biological mother.

Some women have an urge to care for broken things.  To take in the lame ducks of the world and make them whole.  But they would expect that under their care, the lame duck grows up and becomes independent and highly functional.   Motherhood isn't about playing with children, it's about raising children to be functional adults.  If a person stays as the lame duck, the mother will eventually boot it from her nest.

13 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

But due to unfortunate circumstances, this person is now no longer around me on a very frequent basis (nothing me or her did, just outside world circumstances). I didn't believe them when they said something would happen, and it happened.

What are the unfortunate circumstances.  The 'something' which happened?  

What's the bigger picture of your life?  Are you able to stop playing a silly child long enough to hold down a job?  To have friends who are peers rather than parental figures?

Do you have a therapist?

Edited July 2 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

OP, I can sympathize with much of what you’ve said. I also look younger than my age (48), I feel much younger, I’m also very childish, and I love it when women bring out my inner child.

Some important questions: are you physically attracted to this woman? Have you had a romantic relationship before? Would you consider a romantic relationship with an older woman?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a strong platonic bond with an older woman who isn’t your biological family. There is also nothing wrong with a having a romantic, sexual relationship with an older woman. It is unclear what exactly you’re looking for.

[Under_The_Bridge]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Some women have an urge to care for broken things.  To take in the lame ducks of the world and make them whole.  But they would expect that under their care, the lame duck grows up and becomes independent and highly functional.   Motherhood isn't about playing with children, it's about raising children to be functional adults.  If a person stays as the lame duck, the mother will eventually boot it from her nest.

What are the unfortunate circumstances.  The 'something' which happened?  

What's the bigger picture of your life?  Are you able to stop playing a silly child long enough to hold down a job?  To have friends who are peers rather than parental figures?

Do you have a therapist?

Umm, I understand the natural order is for a human to become grown up, but I'm talking slightly on the lines of a "fetish", not so much of natural order. But I don't want to use the word fetish because it sounds a little vulgar. I work just fine, and no I'm not going to spend money on a therapist to talk about my "fetish" practically of wanting a older women (I'll just use the word fetish here because it paints the picture easier for you).

I can't tell you what happened to keep the details private, just something happened that made them go in a different direction in life. From seeing them almost everyday, to now seeing them only maybe once a month or every couple of months maybe. They did suggest seeing each other again though

You'd be surprised but I very skillfully can play off silly child and be a very good worker. I'm probably very rare.

 

[Under_The_Bridge]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I can sympathize with much of what you’ve said. I also look younger than my age (48), I feel much younger, I’m also very childish, and I love it when women bring out my inner child.

Some important questions: are you physically attracted to this woman? Have you had a romantic relationship before? Would you consider a romantic relationship with an older woman?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a strong platonic bond with an older woman who isn’t your biological family. There is also nothing wrong with a having a romantic, sexual relationship with an older woman. It is unclear what exactly you’re looking for.

Maternally attracted*** but she has physical qualities that I admire. I've had quite a few romantic relationships, but the maternal bond I had with this women here was stronger than those for some reason, even though it wasn't romantic, the separation I suffered when she went her way just now was EXTREMELY painful. Yes I would consider a romantic relationship with an older women, but it would have to work like it did with this women here, it's a very rare encounter

Well what I'm looking for was actually that maternal bond. I'm looking for a gf too, but for some reason I reallllly want a maternal loving bond with a women who's older than me/looks motherly. Idk it just vibes with my personality, you'd have to know me in real life to judge further maybe?

Thanks for not thinking there's anything wrong with it, and it's nice to know that you also sympathize with it! 😮

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Maternally attracted*** but she has physical qualities that I admire. I've had quite a few romantic relationships, but the maternal bond I had with this women here was stronger than those for some reason, even though it wasn't romantic, the separation I suffered when she went her way just now was EXTREMELY painful. Yes I would consider a romantic relationship with an older women, but it would have to work like it did with this women here, it's a very rare encounter

Well what I'm looking for was actually that maternal bond. I'm looking for a gf too, but for some reason I reallllly want a maternal loving bond with a women who's older than me/looks motherly. Idk it just vibes with my personality, you'd have to know me in real life to judge further maybe?

Thanks for not thinking there's anything wrong with it, and it's nice to know that you also sympathize with it! 😮

Then why not try to pursue a romantic relationship with this older woman?

It sounds like you’re simply in love with her. Maybe she’s attracted to younger men and to you, specifically. The inner dynamics of your relationship is nobody’s business. If you want to be somewhat of a son to your romantic partner and she wants to be somewhat of a mother to you, it only means that you fit each other. It doesn’t matter if some people would consider it a “fetish”.

 

[Under_The_Bridge]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Then why not try to pursue a romantic relationship with this older woman?

It sounds like you’re simply in love with her. Maybe she’s attracted to younger men and to you, specifically. The inner dynamics of your relationship is nobody’s business. If you want to be somewhat of a son to your romantic partner and she wants to be somewhat of a mother to you, it only means that you fit each other. It doesn’t matter if some people would consider it a “fetish”.

 

Thank you, what you said "it only means that you fit each other" puts everything into context perfectly.

Unfortunately this person is taken, and I would never attempt to even touch that. I was just surprised I had the emotional reaction that I did. Now did I find her romantically attractive? Ehhh, I mean, I knew she was taken. Like I said in my OP, idc if the other women wants either romantic or not. I'm in love with being loved for being the child I am, and being accepted for it.

Maybe after reading your post, it might be better I find someone that's not taken (and to avoid the heartache), and try to pursue that. The problem is that I didn't realize I formed any bond until it was "broken" due to circumstances

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

I'm in love with being loved for being the child I am, and being accepted for it.

What do you offer the mother figure in return?

[Under_The_Bridge]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What do you offer the mother figure in return?

It's the personality that I give off. Other women say really nice things about me, I'm cute funny, very nice, adorable. You will NOT hear a women call me "hot", or anything to do with manly, I'm completely in the realm of "childish".

It's kinda hard to describe because I've never really talked about this before, it was a very far off fantasy in my head for a while until this all went to chaos just now. But to help you understand it better, imagine a key and the slot it goes into. I have a vibe that just worked with this women, and we both just "knew", like we both just got along very well, and I was able to express myself better around her, giving her in return what she would offer as a awesome maternal person. Since she has been gone I shut off completely and am not in a good mode lately.

Again this is hard to describe so bare with me lol

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Other women say really nice things about me, I'm cute funny, very nice, adorable. You will NOT hear a women call me "hot", or anything to do with manly, I'm completely in the realm of "childish".

You know that "childish" is an insult, right? 

Woman A "why did you break up with him?"  Woman B "he was just so childish"  Woman A "ugh"

 

Edited July 3 by basil67

[basil67]

further, the bolded does not necessarily describe a childlike man.  Rather, it describes a guy who's fun and non threatening

Edited July 3 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @basil67

Saying you're childish does not sound like a complementary thing. If she said you're carefree, exuberant, and energetic, that would be different.

But to your point, I 100% believe that we can find family and maternal or paternal figures outside of our biological relatives. I felt that way towards my aunt growing up, and she felt that way towards me. That bond was unbreakable.

However, in your situation, the intensity of your feelings sounds like a crush, which is not uncommon when platonic relationships form. It sounds like you two had a unique dynamic and a strong bond, and it's completely normal to miss someone when they're no longer around. That's not to say your feelings aren't valid or that there isn't a special connection, but it's important to acknowledge and understand the difference between romantic attraction and platonic love.

[Under_The_Bridge]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

You know that "childish" is an insult, right? 

Woman A "why did you break up with him?"  Woman B "he was just so childish"  Woman A "ugh"

 

Yes I'm aware, but due to the context around which I was using the word, I was trying to strip the insult away from it. I'm very aware that if a women see's you as childish (and I meant to talk about this in the OP), that you're a big "baby", and they have to mother you and baby sit you and you're not just mature and stuff, etc. I'm not talking about this type of "childish" just to put it out there. Maybe a better way to say it is "in a child like manner", but that would still need context to uphold how I'm trying to describe it.

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

further, the bolded does not necessarily describe a childlike man.  Rather, it describes a guy who's fun and non threatening

oh lol, well I'm not sure how to describe all of it.

[Under_The_Bridge]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with @basil67

Saying you're childish does not sound like a complementary thing. If she said you're carefree, exuberant, and energetic, that would be different.

But to your point, I 100% believe that we can find family and maternal or paternal figures outside of our biological relatives. I felt that way towards my aunt growing up, and she felt that way towards me. That bond was unbreakable.

However, in your situation, the intensity of your feelings sounds like a crush, which is not uncommon when platonic relationships form. It sounds like you two had a unique dynamic and a strong bond, and it's completely normal to miss someone when they're no longer around. That's not to say your feelings aren't valid or that there isn't a special connection, but it's important to acknowledge and understand the difference between romantic attraction and platonic love.

Um, well, the intensity of the separation and feelings that came with it, were slightly different than a romantic relationship I lost once, where I was suffering some serious separation feelings from. This one is a littttle different because of the maternal bond I think I was forming. Like the women described here, I'm more of wanting to hug my sheets and cry, whereas if it were a romantic relationship I wouldn't, because it wouldn't make sense to hug my sheets like a kid and cry over someone who doesn't have any motherly qualities. I was wondering if these feelings maybe are the result of a strong motherly bond, and then that separation is the loss of it. I don't think I was letting this women be a romantic relationship in my head to be honest because I knew she already had someone also. But it can go both ways with older women for me, I would be willing to date older, or just "mother up" with an older women, whichever is available. I don't really care for romance, it never matched who I am. It's funny usually I don't miss people when they're not around lol. This is probably a first time occurrence for me.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Is it okay to look for a mother figure in my life?

I've got no idea where any of this is going, so I went back to the start.  Sure, it's OK to look for a mother figure in your life if that's what you want.   But do you ever want a girlfriend?  Because I can't see your goofy child behaviour as being the type which attracts a woman who's got her s*** together.   And besides, no woman is going to play second fiddle to your pretend mom.   And as you've just found out, pretend moms have other priorities in life other than mothering you

Edited July 3 by basil67

[Under_The_Bridge]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I've got no idea where any of this is going, so I went back to the start.  Sure, it's OK to look for a mother figure in your life if that's what you want.   But do you ever want a girlfriend?  Because I can't see your goofy child behaviour as being the type which attracts a woman who's got her s*** together.   And besides, no woman is going to play second fiddle to your pretend mom.   And as you've just found out, pretend moms have other priorities in life other than mothering you

I wouldn't say goofy per say. However the point I was trying to portray was that I just happen to experience the separation pain that I experienced, that's the main point to this and I was curious to the dynamics of this, etc, get people's thoughts on it. I've never had this feeling before or expected it to happen. And I wasn't consciously thinking the way I am in this thread because I didn't pay THAT much attention to this type of thing before. If that makes sense?

I mean sure a gf would be nice. And I don't think it's about people having their stuff together, it's just extremely difficult for me to find a gf in this country for some reason there's lot of cliches, requirements, etc. I've had women tell me off for asking for abc in a relationship being told I'm not allowed to ask for abc in a relationship because I am too short, etc. (but this is a topic for a whole nother thread lol).

So to boil this all down, I guess you could say I really liked the mother/son bond of a mother that's compatible with my energy, so from reading ya'll's post, maybe I should try to find romance around that and maybe date one if I can find one one day, and not put much stock into a non romanced relationship I form! That's kinda what I was hoping to gauge from making this post. As far as this women, we maybe be able to still hang out, and that's cool, but the dynamics won't be the same as seeing them everyday

Overall I'm just really upset right now

 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Um, well, the intensity of the separation and feelings that came with it, were slightly different than a romantic relationship I lost once, where I was suffering some serious separation feelings from. This one is a littttle different because of the maternal bond I think I was forming. Like the women described here, I'm more of wanting to hug my sheets and cry, whereas if it were a romantic relationship I wouldn't, because it wouldn't make sense to hug my sheets like a kid and cry over someone who doesn't have any motherly qualities. I was wondering if these feelings maybe are the result of a strong motherly bond, and then that separation is the loss of it. I don't think I was letting this women be a romantic relationship in my head to be honest because I knew she already had someone also. But it can go both ways with older women for me, I would be willing to date older, or just "mother up" with an older women, whichever is available. I don't really care for romance, it never matched who I am. It's funny usually I don't miss people when they're not around lol. This is probably a first time occurrence for me.

Hmm. Well, if I had to hazard a guesstimation (is that a word? It should be), reading between some of the lines, it sounds like subconsciously you may be lonely and seeking out a role model/parental figure or someone nurturing. The wanting to hug sheets and cry thing you describe reads as seeking connection or comfort. Life can be lonely, especially these days. We might not at first think of it as maternal, but we're social beings, and I think in times like this, loneliness and needing a little extra comfort, love, and attention, can play tricks on our minds. It's like the "Adopt-a-Grandparent" programs out there - For the elderly and students. They both sometimes need each other to help with that lack of connection.

But also, it seems you may have some self-esteem issues going to which really doesn't change that much throughout life. We must always be aware of, and working on, what we think/self talk, what we believe, and how we feel. If we face that, then, we need to develop our self-confidence and overcome such flaws. Life can be hard, and if we don't have faith in us, it can be even harder. 

If this lovely woman is like a mother to you, then, it is normal to feel hurt and grief to be no longer spending time around her. You might notice too - anyone can mourn a loss of a friend. And it doesn't mean a sexual connection, or a defining relationship or connection. It goes way beyond a sexual relationship as you say.

[stillafool]

How is your relationship with your own mother?

[Under_The_Bridge]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

How is your relationship with your own mother?

This is n/a. Mother is a great person. It just so happens though that there are different types of mothers on the planet that I can more fully express myself with and am more compatible with.

Hence why I typed out in my OP "I have a firm belief that the family were born with is not always our true family, that we can find that family with strangers."

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

I guess you could say I really liked the mother/son bond of a mother that's compatible with my energy

I daresay that a lot of older women are very happy to be friends or social with younger men.  I've certainly loved the energy from younger men I've worked with.   (Not that I'd ever see them 1:1.  I'd always be in a group) 

But I imagine that not many older women are up for a mother/son bond, especially when the younger man wants to be childlike in her presence.  I'm sorry

[Under_The_Bridge]

On 7/3/2024 at 8:49 AM, Alpacalia said:

Hmm. Well, if I had to hazard a guesstimation (is that a word? It should be), reading between some of the lines, it sounds like subconsciously you may be lonely and seeking out a role model/parental figure or someone nurturing. The wanting to hug sheets and cry thing you describe reads as seeking connection or comfort. Life can be lonely, especially these days. We might not at first think of it as maternal, but we're social beings, and I think in times like this, loneliness and needing a little extra comfort, love, and attention, can play tricks on our minds. It's like the "Adopt-a-Grandparent" programs out there - For the elderly and students. They both sometimes need each other to help with that lack of connection.

But also, it seems you may have some self-esteem issues going to which really doesn't change that much throughout life. We must always be aware of, and working on, what we think/self talk, what we believe, and how we feel. If we face that, then, we need to develop our self-confidence and overcome such flaws. Life can be hard, and if we don't have faith in us, it can be even harder. 

If this lovely woman is like a mother to you, then, it is normal to feel hurt and grief to be no longer spending time around her. You might notice too - anyone can mourn a loss of a friend. And it doesn't mean a sexual connection, or a defining relationship or connection. It goes way beyond a sexual relationship as you say.

Sorry for late reply, I been a little burned out. Happy 4th btw!

I mean I generally am a lonely person, but it's not everyone that I've felt this with before. It's like I found the perfect bond. And with me, the reason I prefer a maternal bond is because I feel a lot of love inside! More than a relationship would feel with a girl more my age. I get anxiety thinking of those types of girls because of what's expected of me, and I'm just simply not interested in going to a gym to get big buff and built and look masculine. Basically I'm playing at my strengths by finding a maternal figure because I don't have to change who I am at all. And since my age is getting up there slowly, I may not grow up more anytime soon.

As far as self-esteem is concerned. I'm a very positive person IRL. But for some reason when I'm back and relaxing my thoughts can get to me. But mostly my issue is just lack of motivation in life, that's about it.

Honestly after all this happened, it did 2 things 1) push me to creating a life that I can find someone like that again and it won't change 2) gave me a deep pit of depression that I wish I just was never born, because what's the purpose to life if it's temporary, if it's always going to rip the happy things away, why even bother trying at all.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

I get anxiety thinking of those types of girls because of what's expected of me, and I'm just simply not interested in going to a gym to get big buff and built and look masculine.

This sounds like something you've gotten from the manosphere 🧐   I think you're writing off dating because of what you read, rather than your real life experience

Going back to how you behaved with this mother figure "I noticed subtly that I was able to express my childish self around her, talk with a childish/cute voice, smile at her with a big happy smile, and joke around and tease her and stuff, "    With the exception of deliberately choosing a childish/cute voice, all of this is perfectly normal.   Of course women want to see a big smile on a man!  And a guy who can joke around is fun.  Teasing can also be fun if it doesn't have unkind undertones.   Have you been working on the idea that the desirable man is stoic?   Because stoic is boring

 

 

Edited July 4 by basil67

[Under_The_Bridge]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

This sounds like something you've gotten from the manosphere 🧐   I think you're writing off dating because of what you read, rather than your real life experience

 

Sorry don't mean to get into that topic, pretend I never said anything about it *hides behind chair*

[basil67]

I just edited to add more...would you mind scrolling back up?

And no, we can't pretend you didn't say it because it's a self imposed roadblock to you having a happy life and finding love.

[basil67]

Also, you say you're short...but I know a number of short women who've married short men.  My own daughter is 5'8 and madly in love with a guy who's 5'6...she's hoping for a proposal any day soon🥰