Loss of a maternal figure

[Under_The_Bridge]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, you say you're short...but I know a number of short women who've married short men.  My own daughter is 5'8 and madly in love with a guy who's 5'6...she's hoping for a proposal any day soon🥰

Well I put on my bio once as an experiment asking for abc in a relationship, and a girl went out of her way to say "that's too bold for someone who's 5'6". Now I know that's not always going to be true, but for someone to go out of their way to say that is very concerning. I even saw an article once a girl went to a bar with a measuring stick. 

Best of luck to your daughter btw!

 

Edited July 5 by Under_The_Bridge
sorry I put a link to a screen shot of something, but I removed it.

[basil67]

Yes, there are horrible people out there.  And trust me, women also have to deal with unrealistic or rude men, but we can't let some rude AH's rule our lives and our decisions.  Otherwise, we'd never come out from under a rock.

When my daughter started talking to this guy, his profile did say he was 5'6.  Before the first date he got a bit nervous and said "you so know I'm 5'6 right?"  And she responded that she doesn't care about his height as long as he's not weird about it.  By "don't be weird" she means being happy with himself and not being insecure about his height.  He was fine with this and never mentioned it again.   So don't be weird about it!

Granted, not all 5'6 guys end up with 5'8 women, but lucky for you there are plenty of shorter women.  Yes, some short women will want a guy who's 6', but if she mentions it, you've got to tell yourself that she's rude and shallow AF and that you wouldn't want to be with someone who like her anyway.  Just the same as women quite rightly write off a guy who's rude about her appearance as being an AH

That said, what was your ABC you wanted in a relationship?  Was it realistic for any reasonable person?

Edited July 5 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

I get anxiety thinking of those types of girls because of what's expected of me, and I'm just simply not interested in going to a gym to get big buff and built and look masculine.

I assure you, there are plenty of women who don’t need their men to go to gym in order to consider them masculine. And looks are very subjective. You say you’re funny, that’s actually a masculine trait that most women find very attractive. 

It appears to me that you’ve been disappointed, perhaps hurt, in a romantic relationship, and therefore seek comfort in what you think is a less stressful relationship with a mother figure, where you can be yourself. But in my opinion, what you need is a romantic partner that would be somewhat of a mother figure to you, but not quite. Otherwise a very close mother-son platonic relationship might get too weird, and for sure it won’t last.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But in my opinion, what you need is a romantic partner that would be somewhat of a mother figure to you,

I'm wondering what this would actually involve.....

[Gebidozo]

44 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Well I put on my bio once as an experiment asking for abc in a relationship, and a girl went out of her way to say "that's too bold for someone who's 5'6". Now I know that's not always going to be true, but for someone to go out of their way to say that is very concerning. I even saw an article once a girl went to a bar with a measuring stick. 

Why are you concerned about the opinion of such obviously mean and stupid people?

Look, I’m 6 feet tall and most women I’ve dated prefer taller men. But that’s just their personal preference, not a universal law. I have several friends who are in your height range, and most of them have had resounding success with women. One of them was my college buddy, and he “scored” so much that some of us taller, but somewhat shyer fellows were even slightly jealous of him.

It’s the personality that counts. Look for women who are attracted to your personality.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I'm wondering what this would actually involve.....

I’m thinking of something like a role play, a “fetish” of sorts. A woman who likes to be a “mother” in a romantic relationship with a younger man. I imagine that would involve certain ways of communication the way the OP likes them, perhaps both in bed and outside of it, in private. That way, the OP’s specific craving will be satisfied, but he won’t need to be engaged in a potentially very unhealthy platonic mother-son relationship that would involve such overwrought emotions.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m thinking of something like a role play, a “fetish” of sorts. A woman who likes to be a “mother” in a romantic relationship with a younger man. I imagine that would involve certain ways of communication the way the OP likes them, perhaps both in bed and outside of it, in private. That way, the OP’s specific craving will be satisfied, but he won’t need to be engaged in a potentially very unhealthy platonic mother-son relationship that would involve such overwrought emotions.

Ah that makes sense.  I was thinking more along the lines of having to mother him...like reminding him to pay bills and do his washing 😁

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah that makes sense.  I was thinking more along the lines of having to mother him...like reminding him to pay bills and do his washing 😁

Hopefully that’s not what the OP needs😀 The way I see it, he just wants to be in a romantic relationship with a woman who accepts and likes his childlike nature, who won’t be telling him to go to the gym or ridiculing his height, who’d “spoil” him (emotionally), make him emotionally comfortable. I imagine that those older women, the “maternal figures” he meets, are more mature and understand his value as a man, as opposed to those silly young girls he mentioned who don’t think he’s masculine enough. Hence the attraction.

[Under_The_Bridge]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I assure you, there are plenty of women who don’t need their men to go to gym in order to consider them masculine. And looks are very subjective. You say you’re funny, that’s actually a masculine trait that most women find very attractive. 

It appears to me that you’ve been disappointed, perhaps hurt, in a romantic relationship, and therefore seek comfort in what you think is a less stressful relationship with a mother figure, where you can be yourself. But in my opinion, what you need is a romantic partner that would be somewhat of a mother figure to you, but not quite. Otherwise a very close mother-son platonic relationship might get too weird, and for sure it won’t last.

Yes this sounds pretty good. Honestly I'm not good when it comes to romance, but the mother-son bond comes more natural to me. I think it's kinda cute, butttttt it's been a far off thought in my head type fantasy, until this separation happened with this women, I didn't realize I cared about it to so much. But I also don't have a lot of dating experience period, so there's not telling if I am better at it than I think. I wish at my age I had more chances by now to date, but unfortunately I have not my last gf was 2017. I've only had a handful of gf's in my life. For some reason dating feels like an "alien" life-form. I just can't comprehend it for some reason, I feel like it wasn't installed in my brain when I was born lol.

Also I was actually wondering that too about the mother-son platonic relationship being just a little weird lol. I think it could also depend on how well I communicate my feelings, but I've very respectful and wouldn't want to put that burden on just anyone 😮 

[Under_The_Bridge]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah that makes sense.  I was thinking more along the lines of having to mother him...like reminding him to pay bills and do his washing 😁

nooooooooo hahahh no that's not what I'm talking about in regards to mothering Sorry I didn't think to clarify that.

[Under_The_Bridge]

27 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Hopefully that’s not what the OP needs😀 The way I see it, he just wants to be in a romantic relationship with a woman who accepts and likes his childlike nature, who won’t be telling him to go to the gym or ridiculing his height, who’d “spoil” him (emotionally), make him emotionally comfortable. I imagine that those older women, the “maternal figures” he meets, are more mature and understand his value as a man, as opposed to those silly young girls he mentioned who don’t think he’s masculine enough. Hence the attraction.

wow, you're good at understanding this!!!! lol

[Under_The_Bridge]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

This sounds like something you've gotten from the manosphere 🧐   I think you're writing off dating because of what you read, rather than your real life experience

Going back to how you behaved with this mother figure "I noticed subtly that I was able to express my childish self around her, talk with a childish/cute voice, smile at her with a big happy smile, and joke around and tease her and stuff, "    With the exception of deliberately choosing a childish/cute voice, all of this is perfectly normal.   Of course women want to see a big smile on a man!  And a guy who can joke around is fun.  Teasing can also be fun if it doesn't have unkind undertones.   Have you been working on the idea that the desirable man is stoic?   Because stoic is boring

 

 

Sorry for late reply on this.

I took a lot of heat for saying this one day somewhere, but I knew someone who was super popular (on their online dating profile), one was Hinge, he was a built dude who was over 6 foot tall, and he had more likes than I've ever thought was possible, it was 50+, the + indicating more than you could imagine. Now this man was NOT good person, but unfortunately all these girls were attracted to his profile due to his body size, etc. They would send him lovey dovey first messages that I never thought a women could type for a man. I was in absolute shock. For me I got 0 likes on online dating over a year period (likes as in women who liked me first, not the other way around, I got plenty of those from me sending likes, but no gf yet), and thus I've come to a conclusion (but it's not limited to), that most women do prefer a man that's built maybe 99% of the time, or the type of women I would go after if I did that was my age. (sorry i had to add this because that's partly where my brain is stuck with dating right now).

Now mind you, my childish cute voice actually does work. lol. I can play it off. To a man it would be weird... but to a women, the right kind of women, it's really a loving gesture almost

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

I've come to a conclusion (but it's not limited to), that most women do prefer a man that's built maybe 99% of the time, or the type of women I would go after if I did that was my age. (sorry i had to add this because that's partly where my brain is stuck with dating right now).

Even if this conclusion is true - who cares? You don’t need most women. You need your woman. The moment you realize that, you won’t give a damn what “most women” think. Learn to recognize “your women”, i.e. women who are actually attracted to you. This isn’t a competition of numbers, it’s a competition of compatibility and quality. 

I’ve never been in a gym, I’m just an ok-looking guy, fairly tall and big, but definitely not “built”, no pecs or abs or biceps or whatever to speak of. I never had any trouble attracting women or getting together with a woman I liked, because I never cared about women who go for other types of guys. I’ve always been only interested in women who go for me. You’re attracted to older, maternally minded women who like emotionally spoiling younger, cute guys? Go for them, and forget about all the others!

[stillafool]

Personally, as a woman. I like slim men without overt muscles, but I wouldn't be attracted to a child like voice on a grown man.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Personally, as a woman. I like slim men without overt muscles, but I wouldn't be attracted to a child like voice on a grown man.

I dated someone that had a bit of a fem voice. It was a bit challenging. But he was a sweetheart and I was attracted to him in other ways so it balanced out.

Edited July 5 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I dated someone that had a bit of a fem voice. It was a bit challenging. But he was a sweetheart and I was attracted to him in other ways so it balanced out.

I can't see that happening in my case because I know if the voice was sounding like a child it would turn me off no matter how much of a sweetheart he was.  We could be friends, but no sex.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I dated someone that had a bit of a fem voice. It was a bit challenging. But he was a sweetheart and I was attracted to him in other ways so it balanced out.

Oh, you said "fem" voice.  That too would turn me off.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Oh, you said "fem" voice.  That too would turn me off.

😅

[Under_The_Bridge]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Oh, you said "fem" voice.  That too would turn me off.

It's nothing to do with a fem voice. And I change my tone of voice a lot too to sound more like "sharp", it's weird to explain. I just see a beautiful mom and my voice turns like a child almost, it makes sense and sounds right for that kind of encounter, but not for everyone. So not it's NOTHING like a fem voice, I don't do that, that's not the dice I roll.

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I dated someone that had a bit of a fem voice. It was a bit challenging. But he was a sweetheart and I was attracted to him in other ways so it balanced out.

Read above please

[Under_The_Bridge]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I can't see that happening in my case because I know if the voice was sounding like a child it would turn me off no matter how much of a sweetheart he was.  We could be friends, but no sex.

It's not what you're thinking, maybe I'm using the wrong word, you would need to hear it, but I wouldn't use it for everyone it wouldn't feel right, I reserve it for only women I feel comfortable with in that manner like my above post Cause remember for a mom idc if there's no sex, I just am attracted to the loving maternal energy exchange (weird I know lol). Hopefully I cleared the voice issue up here in these two posts.

[Under_The_Bridge]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Even if this conclusion is true - who cares? You don’t need most women. You need your woman. The moment you realize that, you won’t give a damn what “most women” think. Learn to recognize “your women”, i.e. women who are actually attracted to you. This isn’t a competition of numbers, it’s a competition of compatibility and quality. 

I’ve never been in a gym, I’m just an ok-looking guy, fairly tall and big, but definitely not “built”, no pecs or abs or biceps or whatever to speak of. I never had any trouble attracting women or getting together with a woman I liked, because I never cared about women who go for other types of guys. I’ve always been only interested in women who go for me. You’re attracted to older, maternally minded women who like emotionally spoiling younger, cute guys? Go for them, and forget about all the others!

Yes that's true actually, I need my women. I started to realize that lately, I started to actually swipe more slowly on dating apps with more caution, because it just takes 1 to find someone. I'll start going out to find someone too IRL maybe sometime this year or next, not rushing right now got some school studying to knock out. I'm open to girls my age too, but if I found a women in her late 30's, somewhat 40's, it's a steal But yes definitely the materially minded women is very attractive to me

Question, have you found that the way you communicate also helps? Cause I'm VERY shy IRL. So outside of the women I made the post about here about, it's extremely difficult to approach a female. I mean I can go to maybe meetup groups, but that's a lot of time to waste I feel like. Idk.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

It's not what you're thinking, maybe I'm using the wrong word, you would need to hear it, but I wouldn't use it for everyone it wouldn't feel right, I reserve it for only women I feel comfortable with in that manner like my above post Cause remember for a mom idc if there's no sex, I just am attracted to the loving maternal energy exchange (weird I know lol). Hopefully I cleared the voice issue up here in these two posts.

Thank you, but you didn't have to clear it up for me.  I like what I like and there are women out there that will love how you express yourself and the voice you use when attracted to an older woman.

[Under_The_Bridge]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Thank you, but you didn't have to clear it up for me.  I like what I like and there are women out there that will love how you express yourself and the voice you use when attracted to an older woman.

well they said fem voice, and in real life I was like hahah NOOOOO, wayy nooo, wrong direction lol XD

but yeah I'm mutable to everyone, so I change depending on the person, but I never touch fem, my "gender" role never changes. Thus childish voice is a vocal range within my gender still*

Edited July 5 by Under_The_Bridge

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

It's nothing to do with a fem voice. And I change my tone of voice a lot too to sound more like "sharp", it's weird to explain. I just see a beautiful mom and my voice turns like a child almost, it makes sense and sounds right for that kind of encounter, but not for everyone. So not it's NOTHING like a fem voice, I don't do that, that's not the dice I roll.

Read above please

Sorry, lol. I wasn't suggesting you have a fem voice. I was just reflecting on a person I dated that voice was a bit feminine.

22 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Sorry for late reply, I been a little burned out. Happy 4th btw!

I mean I generally am a lonely person, but it's not everyone that I've felt this with before. It's like I found the perfect bond. And with me, the reason I prefer a maternal bond is because I feel a lot of love inside! More than a relationship would feel with a girl more my age. I get anxiety thinking of those types of girls because of what's expected of me, and I'm just simply not interested in going to a gym to get big buff and built and look masculine. Basically I'm playing at my strengths by finding a maternal figure because I don't have to change who I am at all. And since my age is getting up there slowly, I may not grow up more anytime soon.

As far as self-esteem is concerned. I'm a very positive person IRL. But for some reason when I'm back and relaxing my thoughts can get to me. But mostly my issue is just lack of motivation in life, that's about it.

Honestly after all this happened, it did 2 things 1) push me to creating a life that I can find someone like that again and it won't change 2) gave me a deep pit of depression that I wish I just was never born, because what's the purpose to life if it's temporary, if it's always going to rip the happy things away, why even bother trying at all.

Happy belated 4th to you too!  

Do you feel like you could probably get over the lack of motivation in life with that positive attitude? I mean, certainly, if you're not feeling positive, you're not going to feel motivated, so maybe getting motivated to do things you love and/or enjoy will be the first step to feeling more motivated about life in general. You can't pretend to be motivated about something you're simply not interested in. Not well, anyway.

I can understand those feelings of 'why bother to begin with', as I've always had those on an off throughout my life, for various reasons--but they always fade eventually.

Remember that nothing in life is permanent--not the sorrow, the happiness, love, loneliness or even life itself. I just try to hold onto the good little bits and recognize the negative bits for what they are--they just make the good stand out that much more. It's just like commercial breaks on TV. Keep the memories of the good stuff, the happy stuff, sustaining you. Focus on the new good things and experiences to come.

I think you're right to avoid those types of girls if you don't feel comfortable with yourself. Like you said, you shouldn't try to be something you're not.

[Under_The_Bridge]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Sorry, lol. I wasn't suggesting you have a fem voice. I was just reflecting on a person I dated that voice was a bit feminine.

Happy belated 4th to you too!  

Do you feel like you could probably get over the lack of motivation in life with that positive attitude? I mean, certainly, if you're not feeling positive, you're not going to feel motivated, so maybe getting motivated to do things you love and/or enjoy will be the first step to feeling more motivated about life in general. You can't pretend to be motivated about something you're simply not interested in. Not well, anyway.

I can understand those feelings of 'why bother to begin with', as I've always had those on an off throughout my life, for various reasons--but they always fade eventually.

Remember that nothing in life is permanent--not the sorrow, the happiness, love, loneliness or even life itself. I just try to hold onto the good little bits and recognize the negative bits for what they are--they just make the good stand out that much more. It's just like commercial breaks on TV. Keep the memories of the good stuff, the happy stuff, sustaining you. Focus on the new good things and experiences to come.

I think you're right to avoid those types of girls if you don't feel comfortable with yourself. Like you said, you shouldn't try to be something you're not.

Thank you, I like your post here

I've been thinking about a lot in past few days, because I keep being forced to confront, what's gone is gone and it'll never EVER come back in that exact form. I could find better in life one day, or never find it again. So I'm trying to confront these feelings right now. I'm also trying to confront the idea that I may be overreacting to something that's not as great as I think. I always try to see two sides to everything.

So right now I'm thinking (to go back on other post), that I'm going to just keep myself open to ANY type of women to find one that's just simply compatible.

Buttttt, it's funny you say that about using my positivity to get over my lack of motivation. To add more context to my positivity, it happens around other people/strangers, when I'm outside or at places I'm around strangers often. People will notice and even have told me before, "you're a very positive person!", but when I'm alone, I fall apart lol. I have high ambitions and large goals, but I simply cannot reach them for reason. I always feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Or for it to one day "click". Maybe it just takes baby steps, like that movie "What about Bob?".

The human being is a VERY complex creature. Some days I just sit back and think to myself "haha life, I win, because one day I won't have to try anymore when I pass away, that'll be my win in life that I can do effortlessly"