Loss of a maternal figure

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

I have high ambitions and large goals, but I simply cannot reach them for reason. I always feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Or for it to one day "click". Maybe it just takes baby steps, like that movie "What about Bob?".

Of course the large goals and ambitions take steps.  And we celebrate each step as a milestone passed on your way to the destination.

For example, you want to be a highly skilled *whatever*.  First step is to celebrate getting the entry marks for that university course.  Second step is to celebrate the good marks you get while you're in uni.  Third step is celebrating getting an entry level job in that career....and on it goes.   

Life would be terrible if we didn't celebrate the small successes as we go.  

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Thank you, I like your post here

I've been thinking about a lot in past few days, because I keep being forced to confront, what's gone is gone and it'll never EVER come back in that exact form. I could find better in life one day, or never find it again. So I'm trying to confront these feelings right now. I'm also trying to confront the idea that I may be overreacting to something that's not as great as I think. I always try to see two sides to everything.

So right now I'm thinking (to go back on other post), that I'm going to just keep myself open to ANY type of women to find one that's just simply compatible.

Buttttt, it's funny you say that about using my positivity to get over my lack of motivation. To add more context to my positivity, it happens around other people/strangers, when I'm outside or at places I'm around strangers often. People will notice and even have told me before, "you're a very positive person!", but when I'm alone, I fall apart lol. I have high ambitions and large goals, but I simply cannot reach them for reason. I always feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Or for it to one day "click". Maybe it just takes baby steps, like that movie "What about Bob?".

The human being is a VERY complex creature. Some days I just sit back and think to myself "haha life, I win, because one day I won't have to try anymore when I pass away, that'll be my win in life that I can do effortlessly"

Are you a grower and a builder? Meaning you have your act together? You don't strike me as someone who has their act together. I don't mean that badly. Just that you tend to sit around and wait rather than actively do something. On occasion, I do that too, but I am always actively fighting myself about it. I attend events - free ones like lectures by famous authors, free concerts, local sponsored events about all sorts of things and so forth. I do it because if I don't, I know I'll become a lumpa. But not every day. Like this week, I attended 1. Next week just 1. I do it so much I start recognizing the same people and we strike up friendships.

I do things alone. But I have my friends from childhood, in high-school, and after and I hang out with their families on occasion. Some days I just wander here and there and explore different areas. I have a very wide social network, but, it wasnt like I was a people person before. It was a series of tiny steps - like that old joke - how does one eat an elephant- one step at a time with a lotta salt and pepper. 

As far as dating, hmmm. I've been engaged, but I have been mistaken in dating. And right now, imo Personality, intelligence and relating skills are primordial.

Money, power, sex appeal meh. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Of course the large goals and ambitions take steps.  And we celebrate each step as a milestone passed on your way to the destination.

Further, may I ask what these goals and ambitions are?  What steps are you taking to meet them?   Are they things you can achieve with your own hard work, or do they rely on others being on board with you?  

[Under_The_Bridge]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Further, may I ask what these goals and ambitions are?  What steps are you taking to meet them?   Are they things you can achieve with your own hard work, or do they rely on others being on board with you?  

Well I wanna make enough money to travel one day, pursue a hobby that can turn into a career (but requires lots of money), want to find a career but I'm having trouble studying (major mental battle for some reason). Stuff like that.

Steps? I just dig inside myself to find out why there's no growth in this direction, then I try again, fall, go back inside myself, fall try again, I've failed probably for the last 10-15 years. I had a chance to when I was very young, and I've just fallen and fallen, it just doesn't work for me. I think I have a mental block I can't figure out. LOL. It's kinda funny actually it makes me laugh right now (finding humor in it all). I'm just glad life is temporary, that's only thing I look forward to sometimes.

A lot of the above could be why I'm single. Also if I'm looking for a maternal mother, it could indicate I have serious internal issues.

I spend a lot of time doing inner work, but I think I'm at a point where I should've got off the run way by now.. imagine flying an airplane and for 10 years you still can't get it off the run way LOL.

Edited July 6 by Under_The_Bridge

[Under_The_Bridge]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Are you a grower and a builder? Meaning you have your act together? You don't strike me as someone who has their act together. I don't mean that badly. Just that you tend to sit around and wait rather than actively do something. On occasion, I do that too, but I am always actively fighting myself about it. I attend events - free ones like lectures by famous authors, free concerts, local sponsored events about all sorts of things and so forth. I do it because if I don't, I know I'll become a lumpa. But not every day. Like this week, I attended 1. Next week just 1. I do it so much I start recognizing the same people and we strike up friendships.

I do things alone. But I have my friends from childhood, in high-school, and after and I hang out with their families on occasion. Some days I just wander here and there and explore different areas. I have a very wide social network, but, it wasnt like I was a people person before. It was a series of tiny steps - like that old joke - how does one eat an elephant- one step at a time with a lotta salt and pepper. 

As far as dating, hmmm. I've been engaged, but I have been mistaken in dating. And right now, imo Personality, intelligence and relating skills are primordial.

Money, power, sex appeal meh. 

If you met me IRL you'd probably have mixed feelings depending where you met me if I have my life together. I would say it's 50/50.

I spent most of my time working inside myself. I study a lot. I'm not a bar hopper. I'm pretty well put together actually, very nice and concerning and thoughtful and well spoken.

I'm socially shy so I don't go out like you do though. I use to try, but no luck so I gave up right now.

I think the issue is I've spent too much time inside my head, because I'm shy I'm not wanting to go out, so I'm over thinking. Buttttt I've thought I had the answer so many times, and I keep arriving at different conclusions. I'm not making any progress I think, because I come up with great ideas, then end right back in a slump. I think social upbringing and immediate people in my life are affecting me, and that's incredibly hard to change. Money is just not there right now.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

Well I wanna make enough money to travel one day, pursue a hobby that can turn into a career (but requires lots of money), want to find a career but I'm having trouble studying (major mental battle for some reason). Stuff like that.

Steps? I just dig inside myself to find out why there's no growth in this direction, then I try again, fall, go back inside myself, fall try again, I've failed probably for the last 10-15 years. I had a chance to when I was very young, and I've just fallen and fallen, it just doesn't work for me. I think I have a mental block I can't figure out. LOL. It's kinda funny actually it makes me laugh right now (finding humor in it all). I'm just glad life is temporary, that's only thing I look forward to sometimes.

The bolded aren't steps - it's just floundering.    The concept of taking steps is about mapping out each part of the journey, and ticking off each one as you reach it.  

Regarding the mental battle in studying, have you ever spoken to your doctor about it?  Have you gotten a referral to a psychiatrist?  Ruled out ADHD among other things?  Get some strategies in place.   Perhaps make this step number one. 

[Under_The_Bridge]

omgosh guys I can't seem to shake these emotions. what's wrong?? I didn't even think about this stuff before that happened? Why am I so upset? It's not even a romantic relationship just little 'ol me loving the time I was spending around this awesome mother. I'm so freaking confused ya'll like I literally was not droning on this women everyday, I just happen to express myself more naturally around her in a way that I didn't realize deep down I wanted to express myself to someone. like my brain keeps replaying moments of memories of ways she would act and I would feel this heart aching pain inside, wanting to cry almost again. I'm trying to combat these emotions the best I can, but maybe I'll just ride with them and cherish it all I guess. I prolly said dang it in my head like 10000 times

okay hold on can we dig into this some more?

Does this mean my relationship with my BIO mom is totally messed up? maybe we should touch this. Or am I just unique and happen to find this mother absolutely fascinating from a "motherly" POV?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Under_The_Bridge said:

omgosh guys I can't seem to shake these emotions. what's wrong?? I didn't even think about this stuff before that happened? Why am I so upset? It's not even a romantic relationship just little 'ol me loving the time I was spending around this awesome mother. I'm so freaking confused ya'll like I literally was not droning on this women everyday, I just happen to express myself more naturally around her in a way that I didn't realize deep down I wanted to express myself to someone. like my brain keeps replaying moments of memories of ways she would act and I would feel this heart aching pain inside, wanting to cry almost again. I'm trying to combat these emotions the best I can, but maybe I'll just ride with them and cherish it all I guess. I prolly said dang it in my head like 10000 times

okay hold on can we dig into this some more?

Does this mean my relationship with my BIO mom is totally messed up? maybe we should touch this. Or am I just unique and happen to find this mother absolutely fascinating from a "motherly" POV?

Do you think maybe before you realized you wanted to feel this "motherly" love from this woman, that you were always secretly wanting that feeling?

I will say that it's very common for people to crave a mother figure, especially if they haven't had a stable relationship with their own mother. Your relationship with your biological mom may feel "messed up" in comparison to the relationship you have with this woman because you didn't have that maternal figure growing up. 

[Under_The_Bridge]

On 7/6/2024 at 2:52 AM, basil67 said:

The bolded aren't steps - it's just floundering.    The concept of taking steps is about mapping out each part of the journey, and ticking off each one as you reach it.  

Regarding the mental battle in studying, have you ever spoken to your doctor about it?  Have you gotten a referral to a psychiatrist?  Ruled out ADHD among other things?  Get some strategies in place.   Perhaps make this step number one. 

I'm a extreme sport person, so taking steps from my POV is very different lol. I want to see huge steps in small increments of time. and that's just not possible when you're learning something, also sitting still and studying is hard because of my high energy state. Feeling the wind in your hair, the adrenaline pumping, is VERY different than sitting starring at words -___-

I don't think it'll help talking to a doctor due to the above info here. It's more of, I gotta find peace in the normal world. Being an adrenaline junkie might be where this is all coming from.

[Under_The_Bridge]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Do you think maybe before you realized you wanted to feel this "motherly" love from this woman, that you were always secretly wanting that feeling?

I will say that it's very common for people to crave a mother figure, especially if they haven't had a stable relationship with their own mother. Your relationship with your biological mom may feel "messed up" in comparison to the relationship you have with this woman because you didn't have that maternal figure growing up. 

yes I was secretly wanting it before, but it was in the back of my mind, like deep in my sub-conscious. It's weird. now it's at the forefront

nothing against the bio mom, maybe I didn't get the love I wanted also because it was just the wrong random generation at birth of mom/son. but the bio mom does have some problems, so maybe there's potential if there was change there. I'll never know then maybe if the bio was a good one, because they need to change, like grossly change, first. and I doubt it'll happen.