Frustrated and not sure how to move on. but I need to

[SheilaBee]

Last year, I bought a house in another state that needed a good bit of work. I hired someone who was recommended to me to do the work, and I developed an instant crush on him, and I asked him if he was married/had a family. He told me he had a girlfriend, so I didn't pursue it, though he made it out to be a very casual relationship and never brought her up again. We stayed in touch via text for a couple of months, and then I hired him to do some more work on the house.  This time, he'd stick around with me after he finished working and have drinks (his idea) and talk for hours. I think we both developed feelings for each other.  I never asked about his girlfriend, and he never brought her up other than to tell me they'd been together on/off again for several years, and she'd been living with him for a couple of years. He told me letting her move in with him had been a huge mistake, and she's very controlling and clingy and has just kind of ruined his life. I just listened.  

I did look her up on social media. She's 45 and doesn't work (she has a grown son from a previous relationship). From what I can tell, all she does is post on social media all day (mostly selfies) and go to the gym and text him nonstop. She also complains (publicly) that he doesn't make enough money to support her.  I did ask him once why she doesn't work, but he just shrugged.  

He used to have a really great job before the pandemic, but he lost it and has been doing handyman type stuff to survive. His #1 goal was to get back to his old career this year, but some federal requirements changed since he lost his job, and he'd have to do some more training/education before he could go back to it, which he can't afford at the moment.  Between her and the job situation, he just seems very unhappy with his life.  

Anyway, over the last six or seven months, he and I have a spent a lot of time together when I'm in his town. It's never been physical, but we go out or stay at my house and talk, order takeout, drink, watch movies, etc. I'm not sure if it qualifies as dating. He never mentions this woman, but she does text him nonstop. At one point, I did tell him that I have feelings for him, and he admitted he did me too, but he wasn't going to cheat on her and felt obligated to stay with her because she helped him through his job loss, so I told him I just needed a break from him. That lasted about three weeks before he was texting me again. He's since admitted he has feelings for me several times but he's "hiding them" so we can be friends.  He's told me I'm one of the only people he can truly trust and considers a friend. 

So, his family (and the girlfriend) have been really been riding him about his financial state the last few months or so, and his uncle owns this big company and offered him a job. It has zero to do with his career that he's so passionate about, but it would be a steady income and he has the potential to move up in the company in the future. He hated the idea of it and sounds miserable talking about it, but he took it mostly to please everyone around him and with hopes that he will move up and make more money eventually.

We spent last week together, and we had a pretty good time, but it's probably the last time we'll spend together because of his new job. He kept saying he's going to figure out a way for us to see each other again, but I'm not holding my breath. He did get drunk one night and admit again that the girlfriend is a mistake and if hever "finds a way out" of the relationship, he doesn't want another one. I told him he just hasn't been with the right woman, that he needed someone who is more of a partner than a leech. On our last night together, I told him if he didn't want to take the job, I'd pay for him to do his training so he could get back to his career that he's so passionate about. I told him I still had feelings for him, which he knew. And I told him we could have a lot of fun together, and he agreed. When we said goodbye, he was very emotional (usually it's the other way around) and he told me he loved me, which shocked the heck out of me.  

I just don't know what to do. Should I keep being his friend in hopes they break up one day? I don't see it happening. He acts like he's stuck with her.  Should I just go no contact?  I know that's probably the best thing for me. I'm always going to want more.

[basil67]

He's not stuck with her.  He's choosing to be with her. 

Please don't put your love life on hold for him

Edited July 3, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

If he loves you and not his girlfriend, all he needs to do is get up, break up with her, and be with you. 

Instead, he chooses to continue being with her, for whatever reasons. Don’t keep waiting for a man who either doesn’t have truly deep feelings for you or is too week to make the necessarily decisive step to be with you, or possibly both.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SheilaBee said:

On our last night together, I told him if he didn't want to take the job, I'd pay for him to do his training so he could get back to his career that he's so passionate about

What?? 

Sheila, you need to give your head a shake. And then do it again. Where are your boundaries and self-respect? Do not give this man money for any reason. 

1 hour ago, SheilaBee said:

He acts like he's stuck with her

He's not. He's a grown man with a mind of his own and a voice of his own. He could end that relationship if he really wanted to, but he's got you thinking he's just some hapless victim of circumstance. He's just your average cake-eater. You need to wake up, to be very blunt. 

You also need to move on. 

[SheilaBee]

Thanks for the responses. He turned down my offer to help him with his training. And I'm just kind of tired of the whole situation. 

So, I totally get that I need to move on...I guess my question is how? Just stop contacting him?  I feel bad not being a friend to him as he doesn't seem to have many, but his GF can be his friend, I suppose.   

[stillafool]

No man financially supports a woman he's not in love with voluntarily.  Also he refuses to cheat on her by having sex with you.  That should tell you something.  

14 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

So, I totally get that I need to move on...I guess my question is how? Just stop contacting him?

Yes. Block him from contact.  He's with someone else.

 

13 hours ago, SheilaBee said:

This time, he'd stick around with me after he finished working and have drinks (his idea) and talk for hours.

Did he actually ask you for some of your liquor?  I would be so turned off.  Why wouldn't he invite you out for drinks?

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

Just stop contacting him? 

Yes.
 

46 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

I feel bad not being a friend to him as he doesn't seem to have many, but his GF can be his friend, I suppose.   

Yes, he can rely on his girlfriend for social interaction and emotional support. Considering that he has a girlfriend, it’s inappropriate for you to be in any kind of intimate relationship - friendship or otherwise - with this man.

I would consider this your opportunity to practice setting and maintaining a personal boundary…

[SheilaBee]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No man financially supports a woman he's not in love with voluntarily.  Also he refuses to cheat on her by having sex with you.  That should tell you something.  

Yes. Block him from contact.  He's with someone else.

 

Did he actually ask you for some of your liquor?  I would be so turned off.  Why wouldn't he invite you out for drinks?

No. He went out and bought the liquor.  That was the first time we hung out. Since then, we've gone out for drinks most of the time, but we've stayed in a few times and just talked.  

 

I just don't get what he wanted from me. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, SheilaBee said:

I just don't get what he wanted from me. 

Maybe what he got.  Some attention and admiration.  When people go through rough patches in their relationships with their partners, someone else who is attracted to you can raise your self esteem, but it doesn't mean you want to leave your partner.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SheilaBee said:

I just don't get what he wanted from me.

What he got: an emotional affair. 

 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, SheilaBee said:

Thanks for the responses. He turned down my offer to help him with his training. And I'm just kind of tired of the whole situation. 

So, I totally get that I need to move on...I guess my question is how? Just stop contacting him?  I feel bad not being a friend to him as he doesn't seem to have many, but his GF can be his friend, I suppose.   

My view is retain him as a friend, there is no harm in that and clearly you enjoy his company.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, SheilaBee said:

I told him if he didn't want to take the job, I'd pay for him to do his training so he could get back to his career that he's so passionate about. I told him I still had feelings for him, which he knew. And I told him we could have a lot of fun together, and he agreed.

When a woman offers this^^^^^^^

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

My view is retain him as a friend, there is no harm in that and clearly you enjoy his company.

It's doubtful she will just settle for this^^^^^^

[ZA Dater]

Just now, stillafool said:

When a woman offers this^^^^^^^

It's doubtful she will just settle for this^^^^^^

I think it depends on how good the company is.

[SheilaBee]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When a woman offers this^^^^^^^

It's doubtful she will just settle for this^^^^^^

Disagree. I offered him that months ago knowing he was not interested in anything more than friendship or whatever it was we were doing. It's not a lot of money to me, and I knew it'd make him happy.

[SheilaBee]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

I think it depends on how good the company is.

The company is amazing, and I wouldn't mind a friendship down the road, but right now, I think I just need a break from him.   

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, SheilaBee said:

The company is amazing, and I wouldn't mind a friendship down the road, but right now, I think I just need a break from him.   

A friendship would be highly inappropriate with a man who is fishing like this. 

It's time to respect his relationship more, even if he doesn't. 

[ZA Dater]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A friendship would be highly inappropriate with a man who is fishing like this. 

It's time to respect his relationship more, even if he doesn't. 

 Not sure how the OP being friends with this man is not respecting his relationship? OP I do agree though, you need to take a break from him if for no other reason than to clear your mind.

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

The company is amazing, and I wouldn't mind a friendship down the road

If he was your boyfriend, how would you feel about the fact that he is drinking and spending time alone with another woman?

Would you just find something else to do, while your boyfriend builds a “friendship” with another woman? Or would you have a problem with it? 

I would find it very disrespectful, if he was my boyfriend. Unless you are going to extend an invitation to his girlfriend over together - the three of you can hang out as friends?

Two people spending time alone together = emotional affair at risk of becoming more. 

Edited July 3, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's time to respect his relationship more, even if he doesn't. 

Exactly. 

[SheilaBee]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If he was your boyfriend, how would you feel about the fact that he is drinking and spending time alone - building a “friendship” with another woman?

Would you be ok with that? Would you just find something else to do, while he builds a friendship with another woman? Or would you have a problem with it?

Depends on the circumstances. My last serious relationship - my guy's best friend was another woman. They'd been friends for years before I even met him. It was never an issue, and I eventually became friends with her too. However, it was 100% transparent from the beginning.  I'm not sure what if anything this woman knows about me.  And I've decided that if he tries to keep things up, I'll ask.  But I'm not planning to initiate contact anymore. 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If he was your boyfriend, how would you feel about the fact that he is drinking and spending time alone with another woman?

Would you just find something else to do, while your boyfriend builds a “friendship” with another woman? Or would you have a problem with it? 

I would find it very disrespectful, if he was my boyfriend. Unless you are going to extend an invitation to his girlfriend over together - the three of you can hang out as friends?

Two people spending time alone together = emotional affair at risk of becoming more. 

Sure but inherently if his GF was providing good company he would be spending his time with her but is openly choosing not to. Which is telling but OP this cycle is very detrimental to you because I had something similar with a co worker, she loved my attention and really enjoyed the banter but I realised she was simply using me to make up for what she was not getting from her bf. I suspect if you met his GF you would quickly see why he was choosing to spend time with you.

Ultimately if you like him, put him in a position of choosing between you and her, sure, its not very nice to do but the reverse is you provide the company he craved but actually get very little of what you want out of the situation. The fact he wont walk from the GF implies he is weak in character.

[SheilaBee]

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure but inherently if his GF was providing good company he would be spending his time with her but is openly choosing not to. Which is telling but OP this cycle is very detrimental to you because I had something similar with a co worker, she loved my attention and really enjoyed the banter but I realised she was simply using me to make up for what she was not getting from her bf. I suspect if you met his GF you would quickly see why he was choosing to spend time with you.

Ultimately if you like him, put him in a position of choosing between you and her, sure, its not very nice to do but the reverse is you provide the company he craved but actually get very little of what you want out of the situation. The fact he wont walk from the GF implies he is weak in character.

Thanks. That makes sense.  From what I've seen of his GF online and via his texts/calls when we're together, I fully understand why he is choosing to spend time with me. It's funny, when we're out, he'll see women who act like her and talk about how obnoxious they are. I'm like are you totally blind to this?   

And I've decided to take that away for now. Let him live with her for a while, and maybe he'll realize he could do better or maybe he won't. Either way, at least I'll quit worrying about it and move on with my life.  

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

Depends on the circumstances. My last serious relationship - my guy's best friend was another woman. They'd been friends for years before I even met him. It was never an issue, and I eventually became friends with her too. However, it was 100% transparent from the beginning.

Also wouldn’t be a problem for me.

Thats not your same circumstance. For one, you want to date this man. Two, you are essentially trying to build a “friendship” with another woman’s boyfriend. And three, you have not been transparent. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure but inherently if his GF was providing good company he would be spending his time with her but is openly choosing not to.

The cheater justification for everything - she is not good company, she does not treat him well, they don’t have similar interests, she is preoccupied with the kids, she won’t have sex with him, they sleep in separate rooms… or whatever other reason someone could find for disrespecting the person who they are supposed to put above all others. We have quite literally heard them all here at loveshack. 

If he is not happy in his relationship, he can end it and pursue whatever other relationship he chooses to pursue… anything other than that is just excuses…

 

[SheilaBee]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Also wouldn’t be a problem for me.

Thats not your same circumstance. For one, you want to date this man. Two, you are essentially trying to build a “friendship” with another woman’s boyfriend. And three, you have not been transparent. 

Oh, I have been transparent. When he initially rejected me, I told him anything more than friendship was off the table as long as he's in a relationship because I didn't want to be disrespectful. He was not 100% honest with me about their relationship in the beginning. Yes, I'd like to date him, but I can control myself (believe me, there was one night he got very drunk and implied he wanted sex and I just made sure he got to bed alone).  I guess the deeper into this "friendship," the more I realized it was not just that...that's why I came here. I'm tired of all of it. He's amazing. He could do so much better than her and his current circumstances, but he has to realize that. I'm ready to walk away...I just didn't know if I should totally stop talking to him or try to be his friend, etc. I'm figuring it out though.  I've never been in this type of situation, so maybe I'm naive. I came to learn. lol.