Terrified to start dating

[MissDovahkiin]

I am terrified to try starting dating.

35 F, I've been single for about 9 or 10 years. My last relationship was abusive, verbally, mentally and eventually also physically. Once I got out of there I admittedly was VERY happy to spend a few years alone. I focused on myself, my happiness, my career and building a life for myself. 

During this time of being single I had 2 failed talking stages. Neither ever led to a date or anything physical. Then at the beginning of this year I entered a sexual relationship with a man I had known for a few years. I had made the mistake of thinking he was into me romantically, but found out after asking his intentions that he was NOT interested in me. Despite having a very high sex drive and very much so wanting to maintain this physical connection and have more frequency, he just wasn't on that same page. 

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but these 3 instances of men either refusing to date me, or refuse to be intimate with me despite having been the one to initially pursue, has had a very negative impact on my confidence. But I also accept that me being fully aware of my lack of self-confidence, and me wanting to take steps to better my mindset, is a positive move in the right direction. I need to get out of my head but I am terrified.

Most people are stunned to find out that I'm not married. And even more stunned to find that I've spent the past decade on my own and haven't gone on a single date. I rarely divulge this information due to then having to answer awkward questions that I quite honestly don't even fully have the answers to. "Why are you single?" - I don't know! I don't have the answer for that. If I knew the reason why I'd surely work on fixing that. And perhaps it is QUITE simply due to me not putting myself out there. But the idea of putting myself out there terrifies me. Why? Because I lack self-confidence.

I've never used a dating app, but I always hear terrible things. Lots of bad dates, people misaligned on what they want, liars, cheaters, abusers, creepy or dangerous situations, stalking, ghosting, married men pretending to be single, etc. I don't want to put myself through all of that. And I know I'm being negative and pessimistic and that in itself is another problem that I absolutely need to overcome.

But then I remind myself that I've been alone for these 10 years. I start beating myself up that no man wanted me in all this time. That every man who ever encountered me, met me, got to know me, decided that they did not want me. LOGICALLY, I know I'm being absolutely silly. That the world is not black and white and that there is an immense amount of grey area there that should be taken into account. But that nasty little voice in my head always speaks up the loudest saying "stupid silly girl, you know you are not good enough".

I'm proud of myself and the strides I've made in the past decade to create a life for myself. From escaping an abusive relationship with no money to my name and a dead end job scraping by, to being now a leader in a great company with a great job that gives me the opportunity to positively impact the lives of others, having my own place, car paid off, a great investment portfolio with a lovely nest egg for my future, and never having to want for anything. I gave myself stability and comfort and a safe place to call home.

I take good care of myself. I eat well, and mostly only eat homecooked food. I spent many years avoiding eating out to save money during rough times, but this created a good habit for me. I do strength training twice a week to try to build a little muscle tone. I'm naturally very slender and have always been self conscious about being skinny. I've made good progress in building a bit of muscle and making myself physically stronger, but am also proud of the discipline it took to commit to working out even on the days when I did not want to. It's easy to give in and say "nah, I'll go tomorrow", when you're tired and not in the best mood. I'm glad I have stayed committed to my routine. But am embarrassed of myself when I catch a glimpse of myself unexpectedly in a reflection of a window or an unexpected photo of me, and my mind says "no, you're still too scrawny. you're not shapely enough. you are not ready to start dating, no one is going to want you" and I realize that because I am still a work in progress, that I am not ready to put myself out there, for fear of rejection. 

I've got very long healthy shiny hair, I whiten my teeth twice a year and still wear my retainers, my nails are always groomed and maintained, my body hair has been lasered off, I am extremely meticulous with hygiene, I eat healthy, exercise, rarely drink and never smoke. In theory I've made good strides to take care of my body and be presentable. I have good quality clothes that are flattering for my body type and I wear fairly natural makeup just to emphasize my eyes. Physically IN THEORY there's nothing wrong with me, yet I tell myself I'm not good enough, and the fact that I honestly feel invisible to men further cements this mindset. Which is terrible for me to do to myself. 

As a person I am surely not perfect, but I have positive attributes. I am smart, I care about others, I have a good moral compass and always encourage people to do the right thing even when no one is looking. I try to be a good influence. I am patient, rational, logical, but not overly serious and like to be light-hearted when people are in need of positivity. When I feel bothered by things that really are insignificant, I tell myself "water off a duck's back", and remind myself not to let silly things get to me. I have a sense of humour and love to banter with people. I love deep moments of connecting with others, finding common ground. And I love having such happy and funny moments with others that I laugh until I'm crying. I love inside jokes, and I love vulnerability and honesty and watching people come out of their shells. I love watching people experience something for the first time and I love the joy and wonder of just experiencing life and enjoying the little things.

And I desperately want to experience life and enjoy the little things with a companion by my side. I love the peace and comfort of my life but I am very lonely. My heart aches so much I can feel it in my bones. I've always had a soft heart and deep down am very romantic and have always wanted someone to love. 

And I crave physical intimacy. I've always had a very high sex drive and I want to have someone that I can fully trust and be vulnerable with and just fully give myself to and experience amazing pleasure and connection with. I went 9 years without sex, neither intentionally or unintentionally, it just happened. But after finally being sexually active this year I realize just how much I need that physical connection, and while I've done fine taking care of my needs on my own all these years, I would prefer a partner. I love to give pleasure, I want to have someone who is thrilled to receive it from me. 

I don't even know how to date. Heck, I don't really even know how to be in a relationship. I've had very few in my life and none of them were long term. I truly don't have much practice at it. And at my age what man wants to put up with a woman who is this inexperienced? Add the fact that I've been single for so long and I'm terrified that men will mark me with a scarlet letter, saying "if no man wants her, then there's clearly something wrong with her, and I do not want her either". It's a self fulfilling negative cycle that I'm convinced will happen. 

I protect myself from the inevitable rejection by not putting myself out there. I know my self-esteem is far too low to be able to handle the dating pool. I will get hurt. So now the focus is to help find ways for me to build my confidence and be nicer to myself. Perhaps therapy could help but also I'm not sure it would be the most productive. I already know where my issues lie, why I have issues, and that I need to overcome them. But maybe that's the problem too. Maybe I'm so convinced that I'm self-aware when really I'm not. Maybe I have absolutely not a clue how I come off to the world around me. Maybe I am terribly terribly wrong about everything I ever thought I knew about myself. 

And surely I spend far too much time thinking. I try to distract myself with reading, video games, exercise, TV shows, planning out the places I want to travel to over the next few years. I try to just be content and enjoy life in the moment, absolutely no good will come from the days when I am drowning in my negativity, crying my eyes out wondering how on earth I ended up like this. Sadly today is one of those days where I ended up too much in my head, and I suppose I REALLY needed to get all these thoughts and emotions out. I keep it all inside and never talk about any of this. I've kept it all inside for all these years. And even though venting to a dozen strangers on the internet will not lead to any great epiphany, I do think that at least getting all of this out is another positive step for me in saying "it's time to change something". A small step, but a step nonetheless. 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, MissDovahkiin said:

I am terrified to try starting dating.

35 F, I've been single for about 9 or 10 years. My last relationship was abusive, verbally, mentally and eventually also physically. Once I got out of there I admittedly was VERY happy to spend a few years alone. I focused on myself, my happiness, my career and building a life for myself. 

During this time of being single I had 2 failed talking stages. Neither ever led to a date or anything physical. Then at the beginning of this year I entered a sexual relationship with a man I had known for a few years. I had made the mistake of thinking he was into me romantically, but found out after asking his intentions that he was NOT interested in me. Despite having a very high sex drive and very much so wanting to maintain this physical connection and have more frequency, he just wasn't on that same page. 

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but these 3 instances of men either refusing to date me, or refuse to be intimate with me despite having been the one to initially pursue, has had a very negative impact on my confidence. But I also accept that me being fully aware of my lack of self-confidence, and me wanting to take steps to better my mindset, is a positive move in the right direction. I need to get out of my head but I am terrified.

Most people are stunned to find out that I'm not married. And even more stunned to find that I've spent the past decade on my own and haven't gone on a single date. I rarely divulge this information due to then having to answer awkward questions that I quite honestly don't even fully have the answers to. "Why are you single?" - I don't know! I don't have the answer for that. If I knew the reason why I'd surely work on fixing that. And perhaps it is QUITE simply due to me not putting myself out there. But the idea of putting myself out there terrifies me. Why? Because I lack self-confidence.

I've never used a dating app, but I always hear terrible things. Lots of bad dates, people misaligned on what they want, liars, cheaters, abusers, creepy or dangerous situations, stalking, ghosting, married men pretending to be single, etc. I don't want to put myself through all of that. And I know I'm being negative and pessimistic and that in itself is another problem that I absolutely need to overcome.

But then I remind myself that I've been alone for these 10 years. I start beating myself up that no man wanted me in all this time. That every man who ever encountered me, met me, got to know me, decided that they did not want me. LOGICALLY, I know I'm being absolutely silly. That the world is not black and white and that there is an immense amount of grey area there that should be taken into account. But that nasty little voice in my head always speaks up the loudest saying "stupid silly girl, you know you are not good enough".

I'm proud of myself and the strides I've made in the past decade to create a life for myself. From escaping an abusive relationship with no money to my name and a dead end job scraping by, to being now a leader in a great company with a great job that gives me the opportunity to positively impact the lives of others, having my own place, car paid off, a great investment portfolio with a lovely nest egg for my future, and never having to want for anything. I gave myself stability and comfort and a safe place to call home.

I take good care of myself. I eat well, and mostly only eat homecooked food. I spent many years avoiding eating out to save money during rough times, but this created a good habit for me. I do strength training twice a week to try to build a little muscle tone. I'm naturally very slender and have always been self conscious about being skinny. I've made good progress in building a bit of muscle and making myself physically stronger, but am also proud of the discipline it took to commit to working out even on the days when I did not want to. It's easy to give in and say "nah, I'll go tomorrow", when you're tired and not in the best mood. I'm glad I have stayed committed to my routine. But am embarrassed of myself when I catch a glimpse of myself unexpectedly in a reflection of a window or an unexpected photo of me, and my mind says "no, you're still too scrawny. you're not shapely enough. you are not ready to start dating, no one is going to want you" and I realize that because I am still a work in progress, that I am not ready to put myself out there, for fear of rejection. 

I've got very long healthy shiny hair, I whiten my teeth twice a year and still wear my retainers, my nails are always groomed and maintained, my body hair has been lasered off, I am extremely meticulous with hygiene, I eat healthy, exercise, rarely drink and never smoke. In theory I've made good strides to take care of my body and be presentable. I have good quality clothes that are flattering for my body type and I wear fairly natural makeup just to emphasize my eyes. Physically IN THEORY there's nothing wrong with me, yet I tell myself I'm not good enough, and the fact that I honestly feel invisible to men further cements this mindset. Which is terrible for me to do to myself. 

As a person I am surely not perfect, but I have positive attributes. I am smart, I care about others, I have a good moral compass and always encourage people to do the right thing even when no one is looking. I try to be a good influence. I am patient, rational, logical, but not overly serious and like to be light-hearted when people are in need of positivity. When I feel bothered by things that really are insignificant, I tell myself "water off a duck's back", and remind myself not to let silly things get to me. I have a sense of humour and love to banter with people. I love deep moments of connecting with others, finding common ground. And I love having such happy and funny moments with others that I laugh until I'm crying. I love inside jokes, and I love vulnerability and honesty and watching people come out of their shells. I love watching people experience something for the first time and I love the joy and wonder of just experiencing life and enjoying the little things.

And I desperately want to experience life and enjoy the little things with a companion by my side. I love the peace and comfort of my life but I am very lonely. My heart aches so much I can feel it in my bones. I've always had a soft heart and deep down am very romantic and have always wanted someone to love. 

And I crave physical intimacy. I've always had a very high sex drive and I want to have someone that I can fully trust and be vulnerable with and just fully give myself to and experience amazing pleasure and connection with. I went 9 years without sex, neither intentionally or unintentionally, it just happened. But after finally being sexually active this year I realize just how much I need that physical connection, and while I've done fine taking care of my needs on my own all these years, I would prefer a partner. I love to give pleasure, I want to have someone who is thrilled to receive it from me. 

I don't even know how to date. Heck, I don't really even know how to be in a relationship. I've had very few in my life and none of them were long term. I truly don't have much practice at it. And at my age what man wants to put up with a woman who is this inexperienced? Add the fact that I've been single for so long and I'm terrified that men will mark me with a scarlet letter, saying "if no man wants her, then there's clearly something wrong with her, and I do not want her either". It's a self fulfilling negative cycle that I'm convinced will happen. 

I protect myself from the inevitable rejection by not putting myself out there. I know my self-esteem is far too low to be able to handle the dating pool. I will get hurt. So now the focus is to help find ways for me to build my confidence and be nicer to myself. Perhaps therapy could help but also I'm not sure it would be the most productive. I already know where my issues lie, why I have issues, and that I need to overcome them. But maybe that's the problem too. Maybe I'm so convinced that I'm self-aware when really I'm not. Maybe I have absolutely not a clue how I come off to the world around me. Maybe I am terribly terribly wrong about everything I ever thought I knew about myself. 

And surely I spend far too much time thinking. I try to distract myself with reading, video games, exercise, TV shows, planning out the places I want to travel to over the next few years. I try to just be content and enjoy life in the moment, absolutely no good will come from the days when I am drowning in my negativity, crying my eyes out wondering how on earth I ended up like this. Sadly today is one of those days where I ended up too much in my head, and I suppose I REALLY needed to get all these thoughts and emotions out. I keep it all inside and never talk about any of this. I've kept it all inside for all these years. And even though venting to a dozen strangers on the internet will not lead to any great epiphany, I do think that at least getting all of this out is another positive step for me in saying "it's time to change something". A small step, but a step nonetheless. 

I can relate to some of the above and have bolded certain parts.

Firstly based on the above you are very articulate and that on its own is impressive and something to be proud of. Based on the above a guy would be lucky to date you, clearly you have your life together.

On line dating is tough, I spent many years on it and as a guy my experiences were particularly poor but made worse for the following reasons, fear of rejection and I was rejected every single time but in hindsight I do think when you go on a date with the view of being rejected it becomes a reality because the mindset is wrong from the outset. Lack of confidence also did not help, reading the above my advice to you is, think about how far you have come the obstacles you have beaten, the trauma you you have overcome and in that be confident you can confront whatever the dating world has in store. For what its worth you prose above radiates confidence and very good communication skills, again these are a benefit.

Believe in your positive attributes and NEVER ever let anyone take those away from you.

Yeah I know how hard it is to do life on your own and crave that companion but again you cannot let this get to you too much, feel this emotion but also believe in a positive future with company.

Overthinking is hard to avoid and my advice is to not overthink the concept of dating as for what man would want you,  believe in the positive, look inexperience is not pleasant but as someone who is also inexperienced, I wasted years harping on this and being in a state of dating paralysis because it became and all encompassing impediment, I do think its much less viable to be an inexperienced guy.

My advice is putting yourself out there is hard but you are resilient, again you have overcome experiences most have never had and still thrived so believe in yourself. As for getting this out, like you I keep my dating struggles to myself but you will get great advice here! Maybe try on line dating with the view of getting feel for it before meeting anyone, see how comfortable you feel with it.

Lastly: Believe in the positives you have, I'm not easily impressed but your communication style is very impressive. Take baby steps with dating and go at a pace your are comfortable with.

[Alpacalia]

How do you feel about casually dating? A date here, a date there, see where it leads. Sometimes that includes sex for some people, other times not.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to find the elusive lifelong partner right off the bat? 

[MissDovahkiin]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Lastly: Believe in the positives you have, I'm not easily impressed but your communication style is very impressive. Take baby steps with dating and go at a pace your are comfortable with.

Thank you for the kindness and positivity.

Sometimes being articulate is a great thing (job interview, anyone?), but sometimes I feel it hinders me. One of my failed talking stages became overwhelmed by the way I talk. I remember someone once asked him what he thought of me, not knowing that we had been talking and getting to know each other. He told the other person "If she's in a room, she's usually the smartest person in it", and I remember my heart absolutely burst with affection for him to speak so highly of me. But after a while he started expressing insecurity, saying that talking to me made him feel dumb. Not that I had done or said anything directly towards him to be mean, but that my vocabulary and the words I would choose sometimes went over his head. I tried to explain to him that words are not an indicator of intelligence at all and that I was cursed as a child with sometimes being tasked with reading a few pages of the dictionary or thesaurus as a punishment (thanks, mom and dad). He was and still is a VERY smart man, and even moreso such an emotionally intelligent man, but I sadly could not get through to him.

Baby steps. Maybe in a few months I'll go from "I am potentially interested in starting dating" to "I've now actually downloaded an app". By Winter perhaps I'll actually make a profile! Haha.

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

How do you feel about casually dating? A date here, a date there, see where it leads. Sometimes that includes sex for some people, other times not.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to find the elusive lifelong partner right off the bat? 

Casually dating is very much so not for me. I've never done it but I can imagine it feels quite meaningless. If I'm gonna date, it will be with intention. Not to necessarily PRESSURE myself, but moreso to say that I do not want to date just for the sake of dating. Not to mention I want to ensure I stay safe, I do have concerns that I could end up in a sketchy situation if I'm not careful. There's no shot I could have sex with someone without having learned to trust them and grow a mentally stimulating connection with them. Not LOVE or anything like that, but definitely someone who understands me. 

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, MissDovahkiin said:

Casually dating is very much so not for me. I've never done it but I can imagine it feels quite meaningless. If I'm gonna date, it will be with intention. Not to necessarily PRESSURE myself, but moreso to say that I do not want to date just for the sake of dating. Not to mention I want to ensure I stay safe, I do have concerns that I could end up in a sketchy situation if I'm not careful. There's no shot I could have sex with someone without having learned to trust them and grow a mentally stimulating connection with them. Not LOVE or anything like that, but definitely someone who understands me. 

I think you misunderstood me. Casual dating doesn't have to include sex. Casual dating can be just meeting up for dinner, going to movies or doing something fun together. The point being that you're not going into every date with the expectation that they will be your lifelong partner. It's just getting to know someone and seeing if there's any potential there for a romantic connection. It takes the pressure off by saying "I'm not expecting this person to be my everything, but if there's something there and we connect, then great, let's explore it further". 

It's also important to know that it's not a race. Some people meet the love of their lives in their early 20s, and some don't find them until much later in life. You have lots of time, and it's important to focus on yourself and your happiness first. When we put all our focus on finding a partner, we often end up disappointed and feeling like we're not good enough when things don't work out. But when we focus on our own happiness and fulfillment, we become more confident and have a better sense of self-worth, making it easier to attract a healthy and fulfilling relationship. 

Also, don't compare yourself to others. Everyone's journey is unique and you can't judge your worth based on your relationship status. There could be many reasons why someone hasn't found a partner yet, some within their control and some outside of it. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, MissDovahkiin said:

Most people are stunned to find out that I'm not married. And even more stunned to find that I've spent the past decade on my own and haven't gone on a single date. I rarely divulge this information due to then having to answer awkward questions that I quite honestly don't even fully have the answers to. "Why are you single?"

Do you live in a very conservative society?   I can't begin to imagine what it's like to have many around you who are stunned to find out that you're not married....and then asking you intrusive questions.    What is wrong with these people??!!    To be very clear, the problem here is not with your singledom, but in those weirdos who cannot imagine a life different to their own.  

Quote

I'm proud of myself and the strides I've made in the past decade to create a life for myself. From escaping an abusive relationship with no money to my name and a dead end job scraping by, to being now a leader in a great company with a great job that gives me the opportunity to positively impact the lives of others, having my own place, car paid off, a great investment portfolio with a lovely nest egg for my future, and never having to want for anything. I gave myself stability and comfort and a safe place to call home.

I take good care of myself. I eat well, and mostly only eat homecooked food. I spent many years avoiding eating out to save money during rough times, but this created a good habit for me. I do strength training twice a week to try to build a little muscle tone. I'm naturally very slender and have always been self conscious about being skinny. I've made good progress in building a bit of muscle and making myself physically stronger, but am also proud of the discipline it took to commit to working out even on the days when I did not want to. It's easy to give in and say "nah, I'll go tomorrow", when you're tired and not in the best mood. I'm glad I have stayed committed to my routine. But am embarrassed of myself when I catch a glimpse of myself unexpectedly in a reflection of a window or an unexpected photo of me, and my mind says "no, you're still too scrawny. you're not shapely enough. you are not ready to start dating, no one is going to want you" and I realize that because I am still a work in progress, that I am not ready to put myself out there, for fear of rejection. 

I've got very long healthy shiny hair, I whiten my teeth twice a year and still wear my retainers, my nails are always groomed and maintained, my body hair has been lasered off, I am extremely meticulous with hygiene, I eat healthy, exercise, rarely drink and never smoke. In theory I've made good strides to take care of my body and be presentable. I have good quality clothes that are flattering for my body type and I wear fairly natural makeup just to emphasize my eyes. Physically IN THEORY there's nothing wrong with me, yet I tell myself I'm not good enough, and the fact that I honestly feel invisible to men further cements this mindset. Which is terrible for me to do to myself. 

I wonder if you hold others to the same standards to which you hold yourself.   If all this work on yourself brings you joy, than that's fantastic and keep at it!  But none of it has any reflection on your worth as a person. NONE!  A woman who has a few extra pounds, can't be bothered removing body hair, dresses for comfort not style, enjoys a few wines, crops her hair short, stays home and crafts when she should be at the gym (yes, this is me) ...she's just as worthy.  And you would also be just as worthy if you didn't do all this stuff.

I worry that your high level of self maintenance is actually a symptom of low self esteem

Edited July 3 by basil67

[basil67]

56 minutes ago, MissDovahkiin said:

Sometimes being articulate is a great thing (job interview, anyone?), but sometimes I feel it hinders me. One of my failed talking stages became overwhelmed by the way I talk. I remember someone once asked him what he thought of me, not knowing that we had been talking and getting to know each other. He told the other person "If she's in a room, she's usually the smartest person in it", and I remember my heart absolutely burst with affection for him to speak so highly of me. But after a while he started expressing insecurity, saying that talking to me made him feel dumb. Not that I had done or said anything directly towards him to be mean, but that my vocabulary and the words I would choose sometimes went over his head. I tried to explain to him that words are not an indicator of intelligence at all and that I was cursed as a child with sometimes being tasked with reading a few pages of the dictionary or thesaurus as a punishment (thanks, mom and dad). He was and still is a VERY smart man, and even moreso such an emotionally intelligent man, but I sadly could not get through to him.

You know, one of the things I love about my husband is that he always has a word I'm looking for.  He's a whiz at crosswords!  But when in company or at work he uses regular words and speaks like the other guys.  Things is, using words which other people don't know and which require explanation reflects a certain lack of social awareness.  It does make people feel alienated when they need to ask what that word you just used means.   

When in company, I recommend you pitch yourself at the average denominator of that group.  Rather than you trying to get through to this guy that he was smart too, it would have been more thoughtful to use words which wouldn't go over his head.  Words which would include him rather than leave him feeling alienated.  We do have choice in the words we use and the topics we discuss.

That said, don't edit your language and speech to a point where you end up with a guy who leaves you bored because he can't keep up!  Be yourself, but do moderate to an inclusive level when in company.  

[MissDovahkiin]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you live in a very conservative society?   I can't begin to imagine what it's like to have many around you who are stunned to find out that you're not married....and then asking you intrusive questions.    What is wrong with these people??!!    To be very clear, the problem here is not with your singledom, but in those weirdos who cannot imagine a life different to their own.  

I wonder if you hold others to the same standards to which you hold yourself.   If all this work on yourself brings you joy, than that's fantastic and keep at it!  But none of it has any reflection on your worth as a person. NONE!  A woman who has a few extra pounds, can't be bothered removing body hair, dresses for comfort not style, enjoys a few wines, crops her hair short, stays home and crafts when she should be at the gym (yes, this is me) ...she's just as worthy.  And you would also be just as worthy if you didn't do all this stuff.

I worry that your high level of self maintenance is actually a symptom of low self esteem

No, not in a conservative society. I think that a lot of people just expect that a woman in her mid thirties who seems well rounded would be taken by now. Sometimes it feels intrusive... I remember showing up for a meeting/training for work last year and the woman I just met starts off with "Oh, tell me about yourself! Husband? Kids?" and I felt myself falter as I explained that I had none of the above and I attempted to remain professional but she seemed boggled. Sometimes it's employees who have worked for me for a long time finding out that I'm single and always have been and they go "Wait.. what? I assumed you were married.", and I just smile and brush it off. Other times it might be someone who has known me for a long time and is aware that I'm single and says "Hey, can I ask you something? Why are you single? You're wicked smart, funny, successful, and attractive. You're a catch. So why are you single?" - those are the ones that get to me, the ones that I struggle to adequately brush off. The ones that I fail to have an answer for. Then there was grandpa. Always confused about why I was perpetually single, why I never brought a boyfriend around. I remember he finally asked me if I was a lesbian. He just could not for the life of him understand why I was single. 

 

And you are 1000% correct that my self-maintenance is due to my low self-esteem. I do not believe that any of it determines someone's worth in the slightest. Body hair is a normal human thing. Enjoying food is human. Being comfortable is human. Some of the physical attributes I focus on maintaining for myself are due to my own insecurities and some are due to negative comments that men have made in the past and I of course let those things get to me. And of course none of it mattered in the end. Hairless armpits got me no further than unshaven ones, and the hair on my head made no difference either. 

But it's all things that people get told to focus on when searching for "self-improvement". Hit the gym, eat healthy, get a new hairstyle, buy some new clothes, whiten your teeth, invest in some skin care, drink more water, practice good hygiene. "Glow Up". 

It's as though each thing was a task for me to achieve, something to check off the list while aiming to improve myself. Something that I hoped would give me confidence. Or at the very least, prevent me from hearing negative comments about my appearance. You could say I use it all as a shield. Armor. 

I'm not vain or vapid, nor do I hold others to wild expectations. It's just the silly sensitive girl inside me that would love to feel pretty, and for someone that I adore to find me pretty too, but to also love my presence and see and understand me at my core and to love me all the more for everything that I am, good and bad. To be truly SEEN by someone. But before I can be SEEN, I have to be noticed...

Humans are funny. In most animal species it is the males that are "pretty", so to speak. The flashy colors, the plumage, the vibrant display. Here I am as a female, trying to be a "peacock", in hopes that someone will find me pretty. It's sad, and silly, and absurd. But here I am.  

[NuevoYorko]

Well ... despite everything, you will have to overcome your terror and put yourself out there.  

Having participated in your other thread, I will say that I advise you to steer clear of FWB situations if you are seriously hoping to develop a real intimate (not talking about just sex here) connection with someone.  

There will be a lot of discomfort and even real hurt, I'm here to tell you.  So are many others on this board, so you won't be alone.

OLD is NOT bad, either.  You will have an opportunity to meet a lot of various people.  Some of those will indeed be losers and jerks.  Some might be liars.  There are also many many who are just like you or like friends of yours.   People who want to find someone and are availing themselves of a perfectly socially acceptable way of doing just that.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, MissDovahkiin said:

No, not in a conservative society. I think that a lot of people just expect that a woman in her mid thirties who seems well rounded would be taken by now. Sometimes it feels intrusive... I remember showing up for a meeting/training for work last year and the woman I just met starts off with "Oh, tell me about yourself! Husband? Kids?" and I felt myself falter as I explained that I had none of the above and I attempted to remain professional but she seemed boggled. Sometimes it's employees who have worked for me for a long time finding out that I'm single and always have been and they go "Wait.. what? I assumed you were married.", and I just smile and brush it off. Other times it might be someone who has known me for a long time and is aware that I'm single and says "Hey, can I ask you something? Why are you single? You're wicked smart, funny, successful, and attractive. You're a catch. So why are you single?" - those are the ones that get to me, the ones that I struggle to adequately brush off. The ones that I fail to have an answer for. Then there was grandpa. Always confused about why I was perpetually single, why I never brought a boyfriend around. I remember he finally asked me if I was a lesbian. He just could not for the life of him understand why I was single. 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.  Some people just don't know when to shut up

2 hours ago, MissDovahkiin said:

And you are 1000% correct that my self-maintenance is due to my low self-esteem. I do not believe that any of it determines someone's worth in the slightest. Body hair is a normal human thing. Enjoying food is human. Being comfortable is human. Some of the physical attributes I focus on maintaining for myself are due to my own insecurities and some are due to negative comments that men have made in the past and I of course let those things get to me. And of course none of it mattered in the end. Hairless armpits got me no further than unshaven ones, and the hair on my head made no difference either. 

But it's all things that people get told to focus on when searching for "self-improvement". Hit the gym, eat healthy, get a new hairstyle, buy some new clothes, whiten your teeth, invest in some skin care, drink more water, practice good hygiene. "Glow Up". 

It's as though each thing was a task for me to achieve, something to check off the list while aiming to improve myself. Something that I hoped would give me confidence. Or at the very least, prevent me from hearing negative comments about my appearance. You could say I use it all as a shield. Armor. 

First of all, you get negative comments about your appearance?  It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or Quasimodo, nobody has the right to give negative feedback on your appearance.   And those who do are arseholes.   

With regards to all the recommendations for "self-improvement"....while exercise and self care is good for everyone, I think that relying on them for your self esteem could be harmful.   A lot of this stuff is about do better, be stronger, smash your goals....but underpinning this is the idea that you're not good enough.  And an extensive beauty regime also reinforces to your soul that the natural you isn't good enough.  I feel like you need less focus on self improvement and more focus on positive self talk.  Be kind to yourself.  If there are negative comments which you wouldn't say to others, don't say them to yourself!   And get some therapy in place.  Even if it's group therapy.  

2 hours ago, MissDovahkiin said:

I'm not vain or vapid, nor do I hold others to wild expectations. It's just the silly sensitive girl inside me that would love to feel pretty, and for someone that I adore to find me pretty too, but to also love my presence and see and understand me at my core and to love me all the more for everything that I am, good and bad. To be truly SEEN by someone. But before I can be SEEN, I have to be noticed...

Humans are funny. In most animal species it is the males that are "pretty", so to speak. The flashy colors, the plumage, the vibrant display. Here I am as a female, trying to be a "peacock", in hopes that someone will find me pretty. It's sad, and silly, and absurd. But here I am.  

In my youth, I was moderately attractive but never pretty or beautiful - so please trust me when I say that one of the best ways to be seen is to smile.  A proper warm smile.  And for what it's worth, my smile is really gummy...but the smile still worked.   If you want to be seen, start with making others feel seen

 

[Acacia98]

On 7/3/2024 at 10:17 PM, MissDovahkiin said:

35 F, I've been single for about 9 or 10 years. My last relationship was abusive, verbally, mentally and eventually also physically. Once I got out of there I admittedly was VERY happy to spend a few years alone. I focused on myself, my happiness, my career and building a life for myself. 

(...)

Most people are stunned to find out that I'm not married. And even more stunned to find that I've spent the past decade on my own and haven't gone on a single date. I rarely divulge this information due to then having to answer awkward questions that I quite honestly don't even fully have the answers to. "Why are you single?" - I don't know! I don't have the answer for that. If I knew the reason why I'd surely work on fixing that. And perhaps it is QUITE simply due to me not putting myself out there. But the idea of putting myself out there terrifies me. Why? Because I lack self-confidence.

(...)

I'm proud of myself and the strides I've made in the past decade to create a life for myself. From escaping an abusive relationship with no money to my name and a dead end job scraping by, to being now a leader in a great company with a great job that gives me the opportunity to positively impact the lives of others, having my own place, car paid off, a great investment portfolio with a lovely nest egg for my future, and never having to want for anything. I gave myself stability and comfort and a safe place to call home.

 (...)

So now the focus is to help find ways for me to build my confidence and be nicer to myself. Perhaps therapy could help but also I'm not sure it would be the most productive.

First of all, you don't owe anyone explanations of your circumstances or status. Many people who ask questions about them are speaking out of turn, and the appropriate response is silence. 

However, once in a while you may meet someone that you actually want to give an explanation to. I think this excerpt from your post is a pretty decent explanation: "My last relationship was abusive, verbally, mentally and eventually also physically. Once I got out of there I admittedly was VERY happy to spend a few years alone. I focused on myself, my happiness, my career and building a life for myself."

Btw, you really are under no obligation to tell folks that you've been single for 10 years. It's something you can be vague about in the way that people are vague about how many lovers they've had.

I do have a question: do you have friends? I don't think you mention any in your post, and I feel like friends can help you regain some perspective if you're inclined to go into overdrive with the negative thinking.

Therapy could help. Please try it out. 

[stillafool]

I can't imagine people just expecting you to be married with a family and coming right out and telling you this.  How rude.  Can't they just look at your left hand to see if you're wearing a wedding ring before they ask stupid questions?  Amazing.

[MissDovahkiin]

On 7/5/2024 at 12:34 PM, Acacia98 said:

First of all, you don't owe anyone explanations of your circumstances or status. Many people who ask questions about them are speaking out of turn, and the appropriate response is silence. 

However, once in a while you may meet someone that you actually want to give an explanation to. I think this excerpt from your post is a pretty decent explanation: "My last relationship was abusive, verbally, mentally and eventually also physically. Once I got out of there I admittedly was VERY happy to spend a few years alone. I focused on myself, my happiness, my career and building a life for myself."

Btw, you really are under no obligation to tell folks that you've been single for 10 years. It's something you can be vague about in the way that people are vague about how many lovers they've had.

I do have a question: do you have friends? I don't think you mention any in your post, and I feel like friends can help you regain some perspective if you're inclined to go into overdrive with the negative thinking.

Therapy could help. Please try it out. 

 

Admittedly, I am not comfortable discussing going through abuse and domestic violence. It's something that I have rarely mentioned over the years, only once I become more trusting and comfortable and have known someone for a while.

I worry that in being vague or avoidant about having been single this past decade that it'll look like a cop-out or like I'm just lying or covering something up. The reality is that I'm just a very introverted, independent person who just sort of cocooned herself and let the years pass by.

No, I don't really have friends. I have a lot of acquaintances but nobody I am close with. This is morbid, but I'm the type of person who could easily just pass away in my apartment of some accident and nobody would notice for many months.