Anxiety, overthinking. and relationships

[danguitartart]

Hi folks! Is it normal for people with anxiety to overthink and overanalyse everything, especially in regards to relationships?

For example, I started seeing someone almost four months ago and she's absolutely gorgeous, but of late our lives have been hectic and quite stressful, and my anxiety has ramped up to almost unbearable levels - meaning I've been very defensive and argumentative with her...something I deeply regret.

As a result I'm now analysing every text conversation we have - is she pulling away? Is she losing interest in me? Is she cooling off?

For example, in today's texts she added the usual number of kisses, asked if I wanted to stay at a b&b with her this evening, but for some reason I'm trying to find the meaning behind every text she sends.

This morning I offered to book a b&b once my financial situation improves (it's not great at the moment) and she replied, "That's super sweet xx"...which for some reason rang some (platonic friendzone) alarm bells?

So, my mind is still looking for "evidence" that she's pulling away - is this normal??

I have OCD as well so doubt is very much part of my daily existence, so that doesn't help either...

Thoughts are welcome!

Edited July 4 by danguitartart

[danguitartart]

Just spoke to her on the phone as I've been prescribed some medication for my anxiety, and at the end of the call she said, "I'm pleased it's going well for you Dan"...which felt a bit clinical? Or am I once again reading too much into it?!!

[MsJayne]

Yes, it is normal for people with anxiety disorders to overthink and over-analyse things, but constant or frequent anxiety's not a normal state of mind for anyone and is really hard to cope with - as you know. The things you think other people are thinking about you.....they're probably not, you shouldn't assume you know what other people are thinking and feeling, because if you do you'll start acting like they're thinking what you think they're thinking, and then it gets weird. Just go with the flow in this new relationship. I'm not seeing how you could interpret an invitation for a night in a B'n'B as being "friend-zoned". It sounds more like a I-like-you-and-want-to-spend-time-with-you kind of thing. Her response to your text was nice. If she didn't respond at all, then what would you have thought? 

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

Just spoke to her on the phone as I've been prescribed some medication for my anxiety, and at the end of the call she said, "I'm pleased it's going well for you Dan"...which felt a bit clinical? Or am I once again reading too much into it?!!

Hmm, again, don't overthink it. One of the best solutions for this specific problem is to just outright ask her if she sees this going anywhere. Be aware that sometimes mental health issues can be a bit much for a new partner to digest, especially if it's affecting the relationship negatively. 

[danguitartart]

Hi MsJayne - you're right, I'm in a bit of a fragile state at the moment and I'm literally overanalysing everything. She has a job interview in an hour and said she'd call after so we can make plans for this afternoon. So I'm going to try and relax about the whole thing (easier said than done at the moment...)

[danguitartart]

2 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Hmm, again, don't overthink it. One of the best solutions for this specific problem is to just outright ask her if she sees this going anywhere. Be aware that sometimes mental health issues can be a bit much for a new partner to digest, especially if it's affecting the relationship negatively. 

Thank you...she's preparing for an interview for a very high powered job, and she's quite a stoic person...so it could be that. I'll see her later and gauge how things go, and maybe chat about how she sees the relationship panning out.

[BaileyB]

Do you have a counsellor right now? If not, you may want to consider finding a counsellor that you can talk with to help you to deal with all these worries and thoughts. 

[danguitartart]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Do you have a counsellor right now? If not, you may want to consider finding a counsellor that you can talk with to help you to deal with all these worries and thoughts. 

I do - I recently started seeing someone locally a couple of weeks ago, and it seems to be helping so far 👍

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

I do - I recently started seeing someone locally a couple of weeks ago, and it seems to be helping so far 👍

That’s great.

The early stage of any relationship is anxiety provoking at the best of times. As I dated, I let go of the need to try and control/predict the outcome - if it’s meant to be, it will be… I tried to get comfortable being uncomfortable - as they say. I tried very hard just to enjoy every stage of the relationship and be a good/fun partner. 

I hate to say it, but if you are overthinking everything and trying to assign meaning to every little thing she says or does, that will not only make you miserable but it will eventually become a problem for her too… you will essentially create that which you are seeking to try and avoid - the end of the relationship. 

Talk to your counsellors and keep working on this - you got this! 

[Gebidozo]

OP, I sympathize with you a lot. I used to have the exact same issues and your descriptions of your anxiety sound painfully similar to my own symptoms.

Here’s the thing: the more you overthink this, the more it becomes alike to what you overthink. The more you suspect that your GF’s words or tone mean some bad things, the more your GF feels your doubts, the more exhausted she gets, and the more close to feeling exactly what you’re so afraid that she feels.

There is only one solution to this: fight your anxiety in a battle to death. Keep repeating to yourself that it’s just your anxiety talking, not your GF. It’s the evil demons of your fear that are whispering suspicions to you, not your GF. The problems are your problems, not your GF’s.

Please trust me on this one, I went through phases just like yours and I can assure you that there is nothing anyone can do for you except yourself. You must face your anxiety in mortal combat and defeat it. Kill your doubts and annihilate your insecurity. It will take a lot of patience and time, but you’ll prevail.

[danguitartart]

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I hate to say it, but if you are overthinking everything and trying to assign meaning to every little thing she says or does, that will not only make you miserable but it will eventually become a problem for her too… you will essentially create that which you are seeking to try and avoid - the end of the relationship. 

You've hit the nail on the head here - if I'm honest there's maybe a small part of me that wonders if I'm good enough for her, as she's been very successful in her career and is very independent. Maybe an element of self-sabotage is in the mix too? Anyway, your words of wisdom are greatly appreciated 🙏

[danguitartart]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I sympathize with you a lot. I used to have the exact same issues and your descriptions of your anxiety sound painfully similar to my own symptoms.

Here’s the thing: the more you overthink this, the more it becomes alike to what you overthink. The more you suspect that your GF’s words or tone mean some bad things, the more your GF feels your doubts, the more exhausted she gets, and the more close to feeling exactly what you’re so afraid that she feels.

There is only one solution to this: fight your anxiety in a battle to death. Keep repeating to yourself that it’s just your anxiety talking, not your GF. It’s the evil demons of your fear that are whispering suspicions to you, not your GF. The problems are your problems, not your GF’s.

Please trust me on this one, I went through phases just like yours and I can assure you that there is nothing anyone can do for you except yourself. You must face your anxiety in mortal combat and defeat it. Kill your doubts and annihilate your insecurity. It will take a lot of patience and time, but you’ll prevail.

Thanks so much for your words of support - one of the elements of anxiety (and indeed OCD) is doubt, so I'm constantly trying to analyse what she says and second guess myself. As you say, I'll keep telling myself it's the anxiety talking - thank you

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, danguitartart said:

As a result I'm now analysing every text conversation we have - is she pulling away? Is she losing interest in me? Is she cooling off?

When these questions rise up ask yourself, so what? There is no amount of worry that will keep someone from losing interest. If she looses interest then she does - life will go on and you will be just fine. Remember, people with anxiety make a huge deal out of small . I'm glad you accepted the meds. You need to give it time before it works. 

 

[ZA Dater]

As a chronic overthinking person I've learnt recently I cause myself huge stress by overthinking and miss out on so much because I over think.

My suggestion is try each day to tell yourself not to overthink and try not to read into everything.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I sympathize with you a lot. I used to have the exact same issues and your descriptions of your anxiety sound painfully similar to my own symptoms.

Here’s the thing: the more you overthink this, the more it becomes alike to what you overthink. The more you suspect that your GF’s words or tone mean some bad things, the more your GF feels your doubts, the more exhausted she gets, and the more close to feeling exactly what you’re so afraid that she feels.

There is only one solution to this: fight your anxiety in a battle to death. Keep repeating to yourself that it’s just your anxiety talking, not your GF. It’s the evil demons of your fear that are whispering suspicions to you, not your GF. The problems are your problems, not your GF’s.

Please trust me on this one, I went through phases just like yours and I can assure you that there is nothing anyone can do for you except yourself. You must face your anxiety in mortal combat and defeat it. Kill your doubts and annihilate your insecurity. It will take a lot of patience and time, but you’ll prevail.

As someone else who's struggled with anxiety for years, I have to be honest and say I don't really agree with this.

You don't fight your anxiety but you let it wash over you. Recognise, feel it, but don't let it control you.

Most of the time that tension is a way of trying to control deep anger, which is on top of a deep pain. Peel back they layers and you'll not only manage the anxiety but it will disappear. All of the progress I've made this far has come through that path.

Various kinds of mental and physical exercise help as well. Meditation and combat sports are particularly good, but weightlifting and even running and swimming can really help as well.

Best of luck in your journey.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, danguitartart said:

meaning I've been very defensive and argumentative with her...something I deeply regret.

I can't help but wonder if there's more to this than you being stress and anxiety.   Was she doing things which were triggering this reaction in you?   I mean, why be defensive if she's not on the attack?  And what things were you arguing about?  If she has done nothing to provoke your behaviour, have you apologised and talked it through?  How long has it been since you stopped this behaviour?  

I'm going to be honest: in a good relationship at only 4 months in, you should be still on a high of adrenaline and love hormones an everything should feel great.  You should both be on your best behaviour.   She will be thinking "If this is him at his best, what's he going to be like when he relaxes in the relationship?"  So all this fighting and rudeness would rightly put her on high alert.  Concerns about her leaving isn't your anxiety talking - it's actually a very likely consequence to your behaviour.   

At this point, all you can do is give her time and a sincere apology (if you haven't already done so). Starting on meds is a great way to show that you're serious about getting your act together.  And to be real, I think that getting yourself a therapist would have significantly more meaning than a weekend away.   That's not to say you should cancel the weekend, but do talk with her about how she's feeling and your plans to make yourself stronger and more reliable partner.

That said, if you've been defensive and argumentative as a result of her behaviour, perhaps YOU should be the one who's thinking about ending it. 

 

 

Edited July 4 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, FredEire said:

Most of the time that tension is a way of trying to control deep anger, which is on top of a deep pain. Peel back they layers and you'll not only manage the anxiety but it will disappear. All of the progress I've made this far has come through that path.

I think that’s a different kind of anxiety. Mine never came from anger and pain, and I think possibly neither does the OP’s. It’s more like a pathological case of overthinking coupled with deep insecurity.

[FredEire]

37 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I think that’s a different kind of anxiety. Mine never came from anger and pain, and I think possibly neither does the OP’s. It’s more like a pathological case of overthinking coupled with deep insecurity.

I used to think the same as you, but I don't think these things are inherent or just spring out of nowhere most of the time. I wasn't aware how much anger and pain I had underneath until I started exploring it.

Anxiety is basically tension, a struggling against. And when we struggle it's generally not against nothing. The need to control by overthinking or ritualising balances out the fear of what may come from a perceived loss of control.

There's a lot of debate over the roots of anxiety though, there may be a genetic factor, also diet, environment etc, it's a complex issue.

But my main point is that you don't struggle with anxiety and beat it to death. You have to learn to acknowledge it, live with it and learn to live more in the moment.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

I used to think the same as you, but I don't think these things are inherent or just spring out of nowhere most of the time. I wasn't aware how much anger and pain I had underneath until I started exploring it.

Sure, I understand that, but my anxiety had really nothing to do with anger or pain. People have different kinds of anxiety and different reasons for it. I know my anxiety hasn’t sprung out of nowhere, but it hasn’t sprung from anger or pain. I used to have severe issues with controlling behavior and fear of abandonment.

 

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

But my main point is that you don't struggle with anxiety and beat it to death. You have to learn to acknowledge it, live with it and learn to live more in the moment.

I suppose it depends on the person and on the type of anxiety they’re dealing with. In my case, a rigorous, prolonged  battle did the trick. 

[danguitartart]

On 7/4/2024 at 3:25 PM, Gaeta said:

When these questions rise up ask yourself, so what? There is no amount of worry that will keep someone from losing interest. If she looses interest then she does - life will go on and you will be just fine. Remember, people with anxiety make a huge deal out of small . I'm glad you accepted the meds. You need to give it time before it works. 

 

Thank you - started the meds today and I know they're going to take a little while to take effect, but I'm determined to stick with it to overcome the anxiety.

[danguitartart]

On 7/5/2024 at 11:06 AM, FredEire said:

I used to think the same as you, but I don't think these things are inherent or just spring out of nowhere most of the time. I wasn't aware how much anger and pain I had underneath until I started exploring it.

Anxiety is basically tension, a struggling against. And when we struggle it's generally not against nothing. The need to control by overthinking or ritualising balances out the fear of what may come from a perceived loss of control.

There's a lot of debate over the roots of anxiety though, there may be a genetic factor, also diet, environment etc, it's a complex issue.

But my main point is that you don't struggle with anxiety and beat it to death. You have to learn to acknowledge it, live with it and learn to live more in the moment.

Hard agree - the more I fight it the worse it gets, so I'm learning to live with it...hopefully the meds will help diminish it as well.

[danguitartart]

On 7/5/2024 at 12:21 AM, basil67 said:

I can't help but wonder if there's more to this than you being stress and anxiety.   Was she doing things which were triggering this reaction in you?   I mean, why be defensive if she's not on the attack?  And what things were you arguing about?  If she has done nothing to provoke your behaviour, have you apologised and talked it through?  How long has it been since you stopped this behaviour?  

I'm going to be honest: in a good relationship at only 4 months in, you should be still on a high of adrenaline and love hormones an everything should feel great.  You should both be on your best behaviour.   She will be thinking "If this is him at his best, what's he going to be like when he relaxes in the relationship?"  So all this fighting and rudeness would rightly put her on high alert.  Concerns about her leaving isn't your anxiety talking - it's actually a very likely consequence to your behaviour.   

At this point, all you can do is give her time and a sincere apology (if you haven't already done so). Starting on meds is a great way to show that you're serious about getting your act together.  And to be real, I think that getting yourself a therapist would have significantly more meaning than a weekend away.   That's not to say you should cancel the weekend, but do talk with her about how she's feeling and your plans to make yourself stronger and more reliable partner.

That said, if you've been defensive and argumentative as a result of her behaviour, perhaps YOU should be the one who's thinking about ending it. 

 

 

I guess I'm defensive because (a) my boundaries in previous relationships were perhaps less defined than hers (I was never unfaithful at all but a couple of friendships definitely became blurred), so I'm aware that I want to be a better person for her...as a result I put extra pressure on myself. 

And yes, my behaviour is a red flag for her...she said if I wasn't making an effort to overcome the anxiety and anger she would have walked a while ago. And I can't say I blame her, and I have apologised.

I started the meds today and I'm also seeing a therapist - I'm laying off alcohol and caffeine too, and I exercise regularly anyway so that helps me to relax. 

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, danguitartart said:

Hard agree - the more I fight it the worse it gets, so I'm learning to live with it...hopefully the meds will help diminish it as well.

I'm personally not a fan of meds but it may be necessary for some as a temporary measure.

Anxiety is a part of you, some part that doesn't want to be recognised and accepted, so the journey is not only living with it but fully recognising it and eventually embracing it.

It's like a law of nature, the more you try to desperately struggle against something and choke it to death the more it will tire you out and eventually just grow and get stronger. It's not about that.

I think a good first step is for example if someone is irrationally terrified their girl will dump them, take a pause, reflect and tell yourself "maybe this is just my anxiety talking", rather than immediately jumping to frantically analysing texts.

That being said, I think a lot of the time anxious people like ourselves are often very sensitive to vibes and gut feelings. It's another skill to recognise when your gut/intuition is warning you about something real and when your anxiety is coming up with nonsense.

I find the easiest way to tell is anxiety comes in waves of panic followed by ritualising to calm you down, whereas gut/intuition is a continually uneasy feeling that something's just a bit off. You should listen to this when it pops up.

Edited July 6 by FredEire

[Dennis121]

I practise yoga and meditation to keep the anxiety under control. Sometimes i also take gummies. 

[basil67]

I'm assuming that been diagosed wiith OCD and anxiety, so you would also have (or had) a psychiatrist and a psychologist.  Are you also receiving support from them?