jake2123 Posted July 4 Share Posted July 4 What are the chances of the following - me getting back with my ex girlfriend. So we broke up I realised a lot and how I could improve the relationship going forward, if we got back together. I met up with her after 10 days of minimal contact and told her this which upset her but only because she wished I had told her this before. She didn't say know but said she was worried I was just saying it, which I'm not. When I left her she gave me a massive hug which she initiated and I said I meant the world to her I said the same. She then gave me a kiss on the chest and we agreed to speak when she got back from st Ives. I have told her that I'm not expecting us to get back together but I would like to if she's open to it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 The chances of getting the relationship back depends on how much she's 'done' with you. Prior to the breakup, were you aware that there were things you could improve? If so, why didn't you action them? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 What was the problem in the relationship? What are the improvements you would make? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 17 hours ago, basil67 said: The chances of getting the relationship back depends on how much she's 'done' with you. Prior to the breakup, were you aware that there were things you could improve? If so, why didn't you action them? I was however I was dealing, and am dealing with my dad having terminal cancer. I was scared of changing my routines because I was using them as a coping mechanism, I have realised this and am actioning the changes needed by speaking to a counsellor. I was using exercise as a way to avoid the feelings which I would do over seeing her as I thought they would help because I was escaping dealinh with the issues and feelings that I was having. I know they were a bad way to deal with it and have already begun to make changes as even if we dont rekindle it's for a better me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 10 hours ago, MsJayne said: What was the problem in the relationship? What are the improvements you would make? Problems were her thinking we weren't comparable, not wanting the same things, I did and do but wasn't able to voice these as I was scared like I said in my other reply I was and am dealing with a lot. I have identified the changes and actions I need to take and I am working on myself. I have explained these changes to her but I'm also aware she needs to process it and that may still mean it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 2 hours ago, jake2123 said: Problems were her thinking we weren't comparable, not wanting the same things, I did and do but wasn't able to voice these as I was scared like I said in my other reply I was and am dealing with a lot. I have identified the changes and actions I need to take and I am working on myself. I have explained these changes to her but I'm also aware she needs to process it and that may still mean it's over. OK, so you’re dealing with the inevitable loss of your dad, and you’re spending a lot of time exercising as a means of coping. You’ve sought out the support of a counsellor, and you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances. Your ex-girlfriend saw this as you being incompatible, I assume because you’re weren’t spending enough time with her or you’re finding it hard to be all jolly and fun while dealing with grief? It sounds like you’re actually handling things in a sensible way, better to exercise as a way of letting off emotional steam than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Your ex doesn’t sound very supportive, are you sure she’s as wonderful as you think? Sorry to hear what your family is going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: OK, so you’re dealing with the inevitable loss of your dad, and you’re spending a lot of time exercising as a means of coping. You’ve sought out the support of a counsellor, and you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances. Your ex-girlfriend saw this as you being incompatible, I assume because you’re weren’t spending enough time with her or you’re finding it hard to be all jolly and fun while dealing with grief? It sounds like you’re actually handling things in a sensible way, better to exercise as a way of letting off emotional steam than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Your ex doesn’t sound very supportive, are you sure she’s as wonderful as you think? Sorry to hear what your family is going through. No sorry the dealing with it has only come since the break up, I've taken the time to reflect and work on me. Sorry for not explaining that well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: OK, so you’re dealing with the inevitable loss of your dad, and you’re spending a lot of time exercising as a means of coping. You’ve sought out the support of a counsellor, and you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances. Your ex-girlfriend saw this as you being incompatible, I assume because you’re weren’t spending enough time with her or you’re finding it hard to be all jolly and fun while dealing with grief? It sounds like you’re actually handling things in a sensible way, better to exercise as a way of letting off emotional steam than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Your ex doesn’t sound very supportive, are you sure she’s as wonderful as you think? Sorry to hear what your family is going through. Basically I was masking my emotions before and refusing to process what was happening. I ignored it and her to play sports where I didn't have to think about it for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 48 minutes ago, jake2123 said: Basically I was masking my emotions before and refusing to process what was happening. I ignored it and her to play sports where I didn't have to think about it for a while. Yeah, lack of communication will kill a relationship. Had you said "I'm feeling pretty s*** about what's going on with dad and find that exercise gives me time where I don't think about it" she would have known that you weren't withdrawing from her and would likely have been very understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 7 Author Share Posted July 7 On 7/6/2024 at 1:28 AM, basil67 said: Yeah, lack of communication will kill a relationship. Had you said "I'm feeling pretty s*** about what's going on with dad and find that exercise gives me time where I don't think about it" she would have known that you weren't withdrawing from her and would likely have been very understanding. Yeah I get that unfortunately I didn't realise I was feeling these things until after the relationship ended as I never faced up to them. Since then I have and we are now taking the space and seeing I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 I'm sorry about your father, first and foremost. I can see why you shut down emotionally, but I also get why this was hard on her, too. How long had this been going on by the time she ended it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 7 Author Share Posted July 7 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I'm sorry about your father, first and foremost. I can see why you shut down emotionally, but I also get why this was hard on her, too. How long had this been going on by the time she ended it? So roughly 1.5 years I'd say. I didn't notice it until recently though. Once I did it's given me a real understanding of why it was hard for her and what I was doing to her through my inability to process this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 47 minutes ago, jake2123 said: So roughly 1.5 years I'd say. Ok, yes, that is a long time. Had she not brought this up before she ended the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 7 Author Share Posted July 7 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Ok, yes, that is a long time. Had she not brought this up before she ended the relationship? Yes she did about 3 months prior. I panicked and went deeper into ignoring the issues I was facing and trying to avoid thinking/speaking about them. I had the mindset if I just kept going I couldn't get sad. Obviously that's not healthy and it effected the relationship and probably made her feel like she didn't matter and her concerns weren't important to me. Obviously they were I just wasn't equipped to deal with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 13 Author Share Posted July 13 ** update ** She has messaged saying she needs more space before we meet up again but has said about the Thursday at the end of just/begining of August. Don't know if this is a good thing it not but I've agreed and il continue my work on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2123 Posted July 13 Author Share Posted July 13 2 hours ago, jake2123 said: ** update ** She has messaged saying she needs more space before we meet up again but has said about the Thursday at the end of just/begining of August. Don't know if this is a good thing it not but I've agreed and il continue my work on myself. In the same time she also said she's struggling to see a future still. Guess that answers all of this. Time to be fully sad cut ties and be okay in time. Link to post Share on other sites
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