Mr J Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 I am 48 years, married, and just started to have an affair. I love my wife, we have a family, and I don't plan on leaving them. Several years ago my wife fell and was seriously injured. Since her injury our sex life has been almost non-existent and because of that I have been "looking". I had a few dates, always letting them know that I am married, but nothing serious until I started talking to an old high school friend. I always had a crush on my old high school friend. I was her senior year prom date and we would "date" here and there, nothing serious. After high school we went our own ways. About 20 years later we connected on facebook, I was already married and she was going through a divorce. Every now and then we would flirt on messenger and laugh it off. I would always ask her out and she would always turn me down. It was fun. Recently I asked her out and she said yes.....OH s***!!!! We went out to grab some lunch. It was completely platonic until I put my arm around her waist. It was weird......we both took a second to catch our breath and we both noticed, this was not how a friend hug should feel like. After lunch we spent almost 4 hours talking and catching up on the last 30 years since we last saw each other. We agreed to have a second date, and that's when we kissed, more like made out like a bunch of horny teenagers. This continued for almost every night for that first month. We get a room and have sex once a week, as our schedules allow. The sex is awesome, we act like 20 year olds making out in a car. And then she said it.... She is having feelings for me beyond lust. I have told her from the begging that my wife and family come first and I am having this affair for fun, not for love. She tells me that she was all in for the fun, but now......things have changed for her. I told her we should take a break and look at what we are getting ourselves into, only to meet up and make out, again. She wants to keep going..... I am afraid that I will hurt her if I cant show her the same feelings she has for me. That being said, I want to keep going too. Should I end this ? Was it a mistake to have an affair with a person I know ? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 I’m just curious, is your wife aware of this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr J Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 20 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I’m just curious, is your wife aware of this relationship? No. But she has the habit of telling me to stop bugging her for sex and go have an affair , only to completely change her mind a second later. She is not dumb.....I have the feeling that she knows but also knows that, being the person I am, I have rules, rules that protect her and my family. Which I do. I really want her to know, but I just cant find the courage to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Mr J said: I have the feeling that she knows but also knows that, being the person I am, I have rules, rules that protect her and my family. I suppose time will tell how well your rules protect your wife and your family. That said, your conundrum now is that you have another woman who has developed feelings for you - another woman who you are now hurting. Things have become very complicated… Your “solution” has become a “problem.” Obviously, your choices are to continue with this affair or end it. If you continue, you will be disappointing and hurting the other woman because she has developed feelings for you and you are unable to offer her anything more. You also risk disclosure, as your wife and family could learn of this love affair at any time. It’s a tough place to be. Whatever you decide - these women are being hurt. And you risk losing the respect of your wife and children if you are discovered. Edited July 5 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 1 hour ago, Mr J said: I just started to have an affair. I love my wife. These two statements contradict each other. 1 hour ago, Mr J said: Should I end this ? Yes. 1 hour ago, Mr J said: Was it a mistake to have an affair with a person I know ? It was a mistake to have an affair, period. Affairs are never, ever a good thing. Either you love your wife and then you don’t lust after other women, or you set your wife free and then you can pursue a relationship with that other woman. Anything in between is just deceit and hurt and misery. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 3 hours ago, Mr J said: Should I end this ? You mean should you keep on hurting your lover? You're the type of man that takes the path of least resistance. Your wife won't be intimate with you but you won't leave her because finding a lover is much less trouble. You find a lover that develops feelings for you but you want to keep at it because keeping this lover is much less trouble than finding a new one. You don't love your wife, you are attached to her, that's not the same thing. You like your comfort, your home, the security of your marriage but you're not in love with your wife. We respect people we 'love'. We respect them by being open and honest with them, which you are not with your wife. Yes end it with the lover. You're hurting 2 women right now. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 32 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You find a lover that develops feelings for you but you want to keep at it because keeping this lover is much less trouble than finding a new one. To be fair, I think he also wants to keep the affair partner because the sex is good and he enjoys the affair. The path of least resistance is also to keep this going because it’s in his best interest to do so/his needs are being met. If he was making decisions based on the best interest of either women or his family, he would not find himself in this situation… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 (edited) "Look the other way" marriages do exist, perhaps this is one. OP can't have his sexual "needs" met, the wife (so far) doesn't want a divorce. Ultimately this is a compromise. Although these situations are never 100% clear, I think maybe some folks are on to something with the OW getting hurt the most (in this specific case). But really it's not clear IF the wife actually knows. OP, you could ask your wife diplomatically what she thinks of the idea of seeing "sugar babies" (assuming that's legal in your area and to be clear I'm NOT suggesting actual prostitutes) so you can have less emotionally-connected sex. Make it clear you intend to remain loyal to her in terms of maintaining your family. Her answers might be revealing to you. And you might be allowed to openly see sugar babies. You probably have to buy them some nice gifts or nights out, but this ultimately MIGHT be less problematic for everyone. (That's of course ASSUMING she agrees.) Just a thought. Edited July 5 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 (edited) All in all, one could argue that she knows you're not leaving your wife and that you never mislead her about this (assuming that you've never vocalised fantasies about being with her) and if she gets hurt it's her fault for choosing a married man for an affair. But it could equally be argued that you knew the risks very well when getting into this and that you're equally responsible for the pain she experiences. I guess it comes down to whether you're thinking with your big head or your little head. Edited July 6 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 (edited) You are lying to your wife and disrespecting her! you are also using the other woman which is also disrespectful. yes you should end it. Yes, you should tell your wife! Yes, it’s not going to go well with anyone you’ve known in your past - but when you use any woman… it’s really cruel. notice a pattern of how YOU participate? start getting honest with Your wife! You worded it like she knew… so you also tried to trick us. Edited July 6 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 Can we ask what sort of injury your wife has? If you were making out with your "almost every night for that first month", where does your wife think you are at these times? Why do you present the story of your first date as if you had no intent to start something with your old high school friend? Both of you knew that a bit of a extra-marital fumbling was on the lunch menu. Maybe have a chat with your wife and explain your needs, ask her how she might feel about you seeing someone else if there were boundaries in place. For all you know she might be relieved that she doesn't have to ever put out again. Or she might prefer to separate. She should be given the option of making a choice rather than have you sneaking around behind her back. 23 hours ago, Mr J said: Was it a mistake to have an affair with a person I know ? No, you did it on purpose. You know you did . The mistake doesn't lie in the choice of partner, it lies in the fact that you feel it's OK to mess about with someone else's emotions, your wife's, and your middle-aged, divorced, lonely high school prom date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 18 hours ago, MsJayne said: If you were making out with your "almost every night for that first month", where does your wife think you are at these times? I was wondering about that, too. On 7/5/2024 at 2:46 PM, Mr J said: I have rules, rules that protect her and my family Such as? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 You said your sex life is *almost* not existant so that means it still exist ! All that time & energy put in a lover should have been invested in your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr J Posted July 12 Author Share Posted July 12 On 7/5/2024 at 10:14 AM, mark clemson said: "Look the other way" marriages do exist, perhaps this is one. OP can't have his sexual "needs" met, the wife (so far) doesn't want a divorce. Ultimately this is a compromise. Although these situations are never 100% clear, I think maybe some folks are on to something with the OW getting hurt the most (in this specific case). But really it's not clear IF the wife actually knows. OP, you could ask your wife diplomatically what she thinks of the idea of seeing "sugar babies" (assuming that's legal in your area and to be clear I'm NOT suggesting actual prostitutes) so you can have less emotionally-connected sex. Make it clear you intend to remain loyal to her in terms of maintaining your family. Her answers might be revealing to you. And you might be allowed to openly see sugar babies. You probably have to buy them some nice gifts or nights out, but this ultimately MIGHT be less problematic for everyone. (That's of course ASSUMING she agrees.) Just a thought. No. Not into sugar babies. I talked to my wife about having a "girlfriend ". Long story short, she said there is no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr J Posted July 12 Author Share Posted July 12 On 7/7/2024 at 5:03 AM, Gaeta said: You said your sex life is *almost* not existant so that means it still exist ! All that time & energy put in a lover should have been invested in your wife. Sex is painful for my wife. So I stopped asking. Once in awhile she gets spinal meds and we can try......so far twice in three years. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 3 hours ago, Mr J said: Long story short, she said there is no. Not surprising. Still, her answer puts you in a tough spot. Sex aside, so you love your wife? Do you enjoy her company? Laugh together? Do you have some common interests? Are you otherwise generally happy in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 3 hours ago, Mr J said: Sex is painful for my wife. So I stopped asking. Once in awhile she gets spinal meds and we can try......so far twice in three years. At that point did doctors offer a spinal operation? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 (edited) 9 hours ago, Mr J said: No. Not into sugar babies. I talked to my wife about having a "girlfriend ". Long story short, she said there is no. I take it she said "no". I don't advise people to divorce, but I will note that generally, people truly unhappy with the romantic/sexual side of their marriage have few options, and they aren't particularly great ones: - work on the marriage (or possibly the partner's health as is your specific case) - end the marriage - "brinksmanship" - e.g. threatening to divorce if things don't change (I would note that sometimes "bluff's get called" in life, and also that "pressuring" someone into romantic activity isn't particularly ethical, although I suspect it's certainly done) - cheat - open polyamory (which can take a variety of forms, sugar babies being one of them) - do nothing and accept/tolerate the situation Your situation isn't particularly a good one, and it's true that marriages do have a high failure rate (50%ish) over time. You're going to have to pick your poison I'm afraid. Edited July 12 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 The problem with having non-sugar baby "GF's" is that, since it's an emotional connection being made, rather than a "transactional one" there is a relationship there that would threaten the marriage in a way that having a sugar baby presumably wouldn't. That's why I suggested you consider them. However everyone's a little different. For example, for myself I would never even consider being with a prostitute. However, although I've certainly never done it, a sugar baby for whatever reasons seems more palatable. However you are you, and so if that's not an option you can consider - well, c'est la vie. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 On 7/5/2024 at 5:46 AM, Mr J said: No. But she has the habit of telling me to stop bugging her for sex and go have an affair , only to completely change her mind a second later. She is not dumb.....I have the feeling that she knows but also knows that, being the person I am, I have rules, rules that protect her and my family. Which I do. I really want her to know, but I just cant find the courage to tell her. It doesn’t discount that you are betraying your wife. Your OW will want more - then what? Are you prepared to divorce your wife? You will harm someone with your actions… it’s a matter of who and when. Link to post Share on other sites
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