pinkteddy42 Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 Hi all, My ex (28M) and I (26F) broke up on Wednesday what was a good relationship overall in my eyes for 6 months. I was anxious attached that was triggered a lot during this relationship and I was forsure clingy/needy with him and he wasn't use to that (I like hanging out 3-4 times a week and he wanted to hangout twice a week). When we started dating, he was a student and is still is and is figuring a lot in his life (career, school, friends, etc). While I have been a nurse for years, have a steady job and schedule, steady family and friends. We were great together and had an amazing connection. On my birthday, I told him I loved him and he said only parts of him love me because he cannot commit 100% to being in love as he doesn't know where he will be in 6 months time or even in the future. We worked it out and I said I would stand by his side and support him. Everything was good and we went to a wedding of my friend together. We even stood underneath the wedding gondola and kissed and hugged, etc. On Tuesday, the night before we broke up - I felt super insecure for some reason and called 3xtimes and he reassured me and said "we are okay, I like you forever". The next morning, something was off and he broke up with me when I came over. He said that I am not his top priority and school and his career is. I said I want to be married and settled down by 2-4 years on my birthday when I confessed, I love him and he said in 2 years his focus will still be his career and he can't even see himself getting married possibly. I wanted to work it out, but he said I gave him everything and I invested everything for him and he didn't do that and doesn't have the capacity to do to his life circumstances and he states I deserve someone who does. I wanted to work it out so bad, and I still do even though I know it is for the best. We had an amazing connection and I loved him. If I love him, I have to let him go so he can excel and be where he wants to be. It's better to pull of the band-aid now, rather than a year in and he still can't be in love with me? I'm sad guys, all the good memories are playing in my head over and over again and we are no contact right, but I want to reach out so badly and talk, but for what? MY AA also pushed him to the edge a lot where he couldn't do what he needed to do. I know I have a lot to work on still which I know because I was an overbearing partner which made me appreciate so much more. I clung and clung, and he let go. But this doesn't cancel how much of an amazing girlfriend I was to him, because I would have move mountains for him. Any input or advice would be great. Going no contact is for the best, right? I know he also still likes me now, so why can't we work it out? Should I reach out and see if he will re-consider? Will it just lead to resentment on both our parts? Why try to work out something that may not truly work out in the long run? I'm scratching to message him so bad, but I do not want to be left on read or him resent me more. Help 😞 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 Yes, definitely, no contact is the best thing for you. I am not a fan of the popularity of labels for our attachment styles and also other pop psych gimmicks that come and go. I realize that they are based in real psychology and are probably right on the money much of the time. But I would like to keep it real: No matter how you are *feeling* and no matter what your emotions, including anxiety, are doing, your behavior is your responsibility. If you were a clingy and overbearing partner - and I really do appreciate your self awareness and honesty about that - this is something you will need to work on and move on from in order to actually be an "amazing girlfriend." Yes, of course you can be an amazing person, but if you are behaving in a way that drives the other person off, then you're either very incompatible, or you need to work on how you behave in a relationship. Your attachment style is not "who" you are. It's not like "love me, love my attachment style." You do not need to be clingy, demanding, etc. You DO need to have a relationship with a person who wants the same kinds of things that you do, and maybe this guy is not that person. Wanting to see you 2 x per week sounds like he was all about keeping it fairly casual from the beginning. This is not due to you doing anything "wrong" or not being "enough." It would just point to him looking for a different thing than you were. Take care and please do take NO CONTACT seriously. And when you feel better, get to work on changing the "anxious attachment" label. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 53 minutes ago, pinkteddy42 said: On my birthday, I told him I loved him and he said only parts of him love me because he cannot commit 100% to being in love as he doesn't know where he will be in 6 months time or even in the future. One has no control over who or when they will fall in love with someone. You either do or you don't. He wasn't in love with you and knew his feelings weren't going to match yours. 6 months is long enough to know if you are in love with someone or not. I think after the wedding and standing under the wedding gondola he knew he wasn't on the same page as you and broke up with you because it was the right thing to do and not waste anymore of your time. People still date and get married and work on their careers at the time. Couples get married right out of college and both build their careers while together, so that excuse really doesn't fly. It's doubtful he's going to go without sex until his career is exactly at the stage where he wants it to be. He was letting you down easy. Just go no contact and spend time with your family and friends. Be thankful this didn't go on longer than 6 months before he ended it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said: he said only parts of him love me because he cannot commit 100% to being in love as he doesn't know where he will be in 6 months time or even in the future. So basically he told you he didn’t love you, clouding his message with some vague words. That was your cue to leave right there and then. 4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said: But this doesn't cancel how much of an amazing girlfriend I was to him, because I would have move mountains for him. He didn’t need you to move mountains for him. He clearly told you he didn’t love you and was all focused on his career. The two of you are emotionally incompatible and have different life goals. Please try not to think or call yourself “amazing”, it won’t do you any good and is quite off-putting. 4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said: Going no contact is for the best, right? Yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said: Should I reach out and see if he will re-consider? Oh my goodness, NO. Don't make yourself look any more clingy and desperate than you already have been. From everything you say, it's clear you were clingy, smothering, and insecure throughout this entire relationship. It's no wonder you pushed him away. Most guys will run in the other direction from that. It's a huge turn-off. Take this as a learning experience and work on your issues. You seriously need to figure out a way to stop being so clingy. You will sabotage all future relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 (edited) 4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said: . I was anxious attached that was triggered a lot during this relationship and I was forsure clingy/needy with him and he wasn't use to that (I like hanging out 3-4 times a week and he wanted to hangout twice a week). I'm not sure why you're blaming yourself for this. And I also don't see anxious attachment. At six months in, it's quite reasonable to want to spend a lot of the weekend together and one or two weeknights. And you getting insecure and calling him three times would never have happened if he was the right guy for you, wanting the same things as you. I'm the same and wouldn't have gotten to the six month point if we were still only seeing each other twice a week! That's not to say that he's wrong just wanting a couple of times a week, but he was never the right person for you. I understand you wanting to work it out, but you know what that would have looked like? It would have been you being unsatisfied dating a man who was never going to marry you. You would have been miserable. Basic incompatibilities cannot be 'worked out'. Take some time to lick your wounds, and then start dating again....but this time find a guy who wants to see you as much as you want to see him. Edited July 6 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
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