7 years breakup. NC after 6 months

[ksv1503]

Hello,

just sharing my situation and hear y’all opinions. I know my approach is just going to be NC forever 

My ex (28f) and i (29m) was together for 7 years. We broke up last November

She was a perfect person, loyal, committed and is the first person to show me how unconditional love and healthy relationship looks like 

But over the years I started to losing for her (I can’t pin point why: I can’t have long convo with her, or I’m used to childhood dysfunctional dynamics and felt safe relationship is boring)

I didn’t really know what is this so I was blaming my mental health when telling her. So she was trying to help me in 2022,2023

we talked about marriages a lot. I love her but I can’t see marrying someone while feeling like this. So when she asked in 2023 I said I was unsure 

fast forward to November she initiated a breakup and I agreed to it

initiallly I felt relief but after few weeks I started missing her a lot. I also finally found a good therapist that help navigate my mental health.

we stayed in touch until Feb, when she told me she decided to see someone else. So I went NC for 3 weeks and reached out again. She was receptive and happy to talk to me. I asked if there is chance for us and she said “non zero”

in May we met up for a friend bday. And the spark flew, after meeting up she told me she still have some feelings left. So we started getting closer again and talk about getting back together

However in June before we meet up again, she went a trip with another guy friend. After that trip she went cold on me, a few days later she told me she stopped seeing her current bf right before we meet

On the day we meet she seem very distant as well. She said she wants her freedom and don’t want to commit to anything. Later she told me she doesn’t have any feelings/attraction for me right now…

i later found out she casually seeing the guy she went on the trip with

After this I’ve decided to go NC (been a month now) She reached out after a few weeks to check in but I kept it short. I don’t plan to reach out to her ever again

Curious to hear from anyone about lost feelings. Is what I’m currently feeling genuine love for her (because I was the one who lost feeling first) Or is it something else? Can she regain her feelings?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 7, 2024 by ksv1503

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, ksv1503 said:

Curious to hear from anyone about lost feelings. Is what I’m currently feeling genuine love for her (because I was the one who lost feeling first) Or is it something else? Can she regain her feelings?

Sorry, from my experience, when someone loses romantic feelings for another person, they can’t be regained. 

I don’t think what you’re currently feeling is genuine love. Regret, hurt, bruised ego, loneliness, emotional need, longing, nostalgia are often mistaken for love.

[ksv1503]

Thanks for the reply. But she did rediscover feelings for me in May (tho fleeting). I had a feeling if there was no distraction we could work toward a reconciliation. What do you think?

[ksv1503]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry, from my experience, when someone loses romantic feelings for another person, they can’t be regained. 

I don’t think what you’re currently feeling is genuine love. Regret, hurt, bruised ego, loneliness, emotional need, longing, nostalgia are often mistaken for love.

Thanks for the reply. She was able to regain some feelings when we meet in may( tho fleeting). I feel like if there was no other distraction we could have work toward a reconciliation

as for me you might be right. How do I confirm that it is true?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, ksv1503 said:

Can she regain her feelings?

No, this one is over. 

1 minute ago, ksv1503 said:

But she did rediscover feelings for me in May (tho fleeting)

Eh, no. Not really. She felt a bit of nostalgia and played with the idea a little, but clearly learned there's nothing there for her anymore. 

2 minutes ago, ksv1503 said:

I had a feeling if there was no distraction we could work toward a reconciliation.

No, this is your pain and loneliness speaking.  She wouldn't have been distracted by another guy if she had any real feelings left for you, which is necessary in order to reconcile. She realized she is ready to move on to someone else. 

I am sorry. You need to work on healing rather than grasp at straws, my man. 

[ksv1503]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, this one is over. 

Eh, no. Not really. She felt a bit of nostalgia and played with the idea a little, but clearly learned there's nothing there for her anymore. 

No, this is your pain and loneliness speaking.  She wouldn't have been distracted by another guy if she had any real feelings left for you, which is necessary in order to reconcile. She realized she is ready to move on to someone else. 

I am sorry. You need to work on healing rather than grasp at straws, my man. 

Appreciate your frank response. To be clear we were getting closer the whole month of may( she initiated all texting and half of the calling, we talk every few days a week)

But I think you’re right. That’s why I’ve started doing NC 

what do you think about my regained feelings? Does it mean what I’ve been feeling the past 6 months isn’t love?

Edited July 7, 2024 by ksv1503

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, ksv1503 said:

She was able to regain some feelings when we meet in may( tho fleeting)

“Some feelings” isn’t enough at all. Everyone have “some feelings” for their exes. I definitely care for my ex, that is a feeling. But I’m not attracted to her anymore and any rekindling of my former romantic feelings for her is impossible. 
 

8 minutes ago, ksv1503 said:

I feel like if there was no other distraction we could have work toward a reconciliation

The “distraction” in question is her not being attracted to you anymore and hooking up with other guys. Needless to say that isn’t a distraction, it’s a new reality that you’ll have to accept.

 

10 minutes ago, ksv1503 said:

as for me you might be right. How do I confirm that it is true?

You said you had lost your feelings for her already. Then you regretted the breakup, sure, but it feels like you’re more lonely than in love with her.

I might be wrong here. I have a rather odd notion about love, for me it’s either mutual or it’s not real love. She doesn’t love you anymore, so I just can’t imagine you loving her without reciprocation.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, ksv1503 said:

what do you think about my regained feelings? Does it mean what I’ve been feeling the past 6 months isn’t love?

I've got no idea - only you can answer that. 

But really, does it matter? Whether or not you still love here doesn't change the outcome in any way. All you can do is focus on healing and moving forward. 

[jake2123]

I think you've got to focus on you. Don't worry about what she's thinking as hard as it seems, trust me I'm going through my own breakup, something I've realised is they MIGHT come back. It happens sometimes however much people say it doesn't but you've got to be prepared that it happens rarely. I hope you're one of those times but reality says you won't be unfortunately. 

Best thing to do is focus on yourself if you know of issues from the relationship tackle them, they will help for future ones with or without her and just take life as it comes at you! I wish you all the best!