Mid life crisis with partner's sister?

[raiderz]

I have been with my partner for 13 years and we have been very happy, recently we seem to argue a lot recently but always make up, our sex life is a bit non-existent for the last 5 years due to my partners arthritis in her knee and back but it hasn't bothered me much. Her sister and her family (yes you guessed here is the confusing bit), in the last six months has just moved closer from hundreds of miles away to just over 1 mile, we now see her nearly every day, I've always got on with her well, but maybe in the last couple of years we have messaged quite a bit, since she has been living here we seem to get on a lot better. I have started getting feelings towards her despite me still loving my partner. I am totally confused from where all this has come from, they haven't been reciprocated but even my partner yesterday said I might as well have an affair with her sister because of all the time we spend together. The sister's partner is a dead loss, totally useless & lazy but she thinks he's the centre of her world as they have 2 lovely children. Anyway since they moved up I have been helping them with their house, doing all the jobs he can't or mainly won't do- which are quite a few as you can guess, so we have spent a lot of time with each other, I don't want to do anything about how I feel about this with her but I'm so confused why this is happening in the first place, I don't want to give her a wide berth either as questions will be asked why I am doing it especially from their kids who love me to bits. Is this normal? To have feelings towards someone else? I don't want to split them up, or us for that matter, definitely don't want to split the two sisters apart either. 

[MsJayne]

Why are you hanging around your sister-in-law doing chores that her husband should be doing? What are you getting out of it? The chance to hang around her? The way you describe her husband sounds jealous. I suggest you back off and instead of spending your spare time being SIL’s handyman maybe take your wife out for lunch or something. If you’re pondering an affair with SIL, perhaps have a think about how tacky and cliched this would be. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, raiderz said:

I don't want to give her a wide berth either as questions will be asked

I think that’s your only option. You can live your life and spend time with your sister-in-law only in the presence of your wife or her husband - that is the usual way that most families interact. No questions to be asked - if anything, people should be asking questions NOW about why you are spending so much time at your sister-in-law’s house…

9 hours ago, raiderz said:

I don't want to split them up, or us for that matter, definitely don't want to split the two sisters apart either. 

No you don’t want to split them up - you have NO IDEA the drama that will ensue… 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, raiderz said:

even my partner yesterday said I might as well have an affair with her sister because of all the time we spend together.

And this is your 'out'.  Tell your partner that she's right, you have been spending too much time there and you should be focussing more on your own family.   Stop messaging with her sister and if her kids ask why, tell them that you need more time with your own family.

Also, remember that with you giving her all this attention and assistance, you're actually enabling her to stay in the marriage.  She'll be more motivated to help herself if you're not doing it for her

Edited July 8 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, raiderz said:

I don't want to give her a wide berth either as questions will be asked why I am doing it

I am sorry, but this is an excuse when you also say this: 

11 hours ago, raiderz said:

even my partner yesterday said I might as well have an affair with her sister because of all the time we spend together.

Questions are being raised now because your behaviour is suspicious now.  Follow your partner's lead and spend less time with her sister. There is no need for you to be over there as frequently as you are, especially when your wife isn't around. And you certainly don't need to be messaging her so often. 

Then you need to figure out how to repair your relatiosnship. It is normal to feel attraction to others but it is not okay to get closer to them, which is what you are doing. Instead, ask yourself what you can do to make your relationship better.  

No sex for 5 years is not going to fly for many. I get your partner has health concerns but surely there are other ways to address your natural desire for intimacy? She can't reasonably expect you can keep coasting along with no real sex life for years on end. That is bound to end badly. 

[raiderz]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Why are you hanging around your sister-in-law doing chores that her husband should be doing? What are you getting out of it? The chance to hang around her? The way you describe her husband sounds jealous. I suggest you back off and instead of spending your spare time being SIL’s handyman maybe take your wife out for lunch or something. If you’re pondering an affair with SIL, perhaps have a think about how tacky and cliched this would be. 

Because her partner is lazy and would rather let her do them as well as look after their two kids, he doesn't get up till 11am and then by about 2pm he is asleep on the couch or something then spends his evenings while she has gone to bed playing on his playstation. To be fair me and him get on really well, I don't think jealousy comes into it as he probably doesn't mind me being there as it gets him out of doing things he probably couldn't do in the first place. He has anger and mental health issues and anything he tries he gives up on after 20 mins swearing and the SIL ends up trying to do these things herself. What am I getting out of it? I like to help people, I like to keep busy. Once the big jobs are done at their new house which won't be long I won't be down there as much and in any case I go there with my partner, its not like I'm going there much without her. I would probably run a mile if she came on to me

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, raiderz said:

Because her partner is lazy and would rather let her do them as well as look after their two kids, he doesn't get up till 11am and then by about 2pm he is asleep on the couch or something then spends his evenings while she has gone to bed playing on his playstation.

I mentioned earlier that you're enabling her to stay in the marriage, but you're also enabling him to be a couch potato.  Your actions are creating more problems than they are solving.  And then there's the issue with your wife dropping not so subtle hints about the amount of time you spend over there.

If you've got a half done job, finish that one. But then back off and let them manage their own lives

[Mercedes_00]

I feel sorry for your wife

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, raiderz said:

Because her partner is lazy and would rather let her do them as well as look after their two kids

That’s her problem, not yours. 

 

7 hours ago, raiderz said:

I don't think jealousy comes into it as he probably doesn't mind me being there

I don’t think the jealousy is his, I believe the statement was inferring that you are jealous and feeling competitive with her husband - which is why you are trying to one-up him and pointing out all his faults/failures.
 

7 hours ago, raiderz said:

What am I getting out of it? I like to help people, I like to keep busy.

That’s all well and good - as long as you maintain a healthy boundary. Visit the house to help with a task only at the request of her husband. Quit volunteering to maintain their home - that’s not appropriate. The concern here is, and you have identified it yourself, you are developing feelings for the woman which means your offers to visit the house and help are not selfless - it is not just about helping people/keeping busy. You are at risk of crossing a line here - you need to take a step back and reestablish a healthy and respectful boundary. 

Edited July 8 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, raiderz said:

Because her partner is lazy and would rather let her do them as well as look after their two kids, he doesn't get up till 11am and then by about 2pm he is asleep on the couch or something then spends his evenings while she has gone to bed playing on his playstation. To be fair me and him get on really well, I don't think jealousy comes into it as he probably doesn't mind me being there as it gets him out of doing things he probably couldn't do in the first place. He has anger and mental health issues and anything he tries he gives up on after 20 mins swearing and the SIL ends up trying to do these things herself. What am I getting out of it? I like to help people, I like to keep busy. Once the big jobs are done at their new house which won't be long I won't be down there as much and in any case I go there with my partner, its not like I'm going there much without her. I would probably run a mile if she came on to me

This is their life and life choices. It is highly inappropriate of you to be her husband 'substitute'. All this energy should be put into your wife and marriage. There is a lot of excuses to explain the lack of intimacy between you and your wife. It needs to be addressed. Half the population suffer from arthritis and back pain and don't use it as an excuse. Somewhere along the way you both stopped taking care of your intimacy and arthritis became the excuse. Because you were not nurturing your connection with your wife then your heart became free to fall for the next woman giving you a bit of attention. You can undo all that. 

[raiderz]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Also, remember that with you giving her all this attention and assistance, you're actually enabling her to stay in the marriage.  She'll be more motivated to help herself if you're not doing it for her

I'm talking about me putting curtain rails up fitting safety gates and building flat pack furniture not doing the vacuuming for her. She does all the usual housework herself, please bear in mind its a new build house that they have been in for a month so theres lots to do, he would rather sit outside in a sun lounger reading a book while she does all that sort of stuff. Once all the "major" work is done I won't need to go down there as much.

[raiderz]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is their life and life choices. It is highly inappropriate of you to be her husband 'substitute'. All this energy should be put into your wife and marriage. There is a lot of excuses to explain the lack of intimacy between you and your wife. It needs to be addressed. Half the population suffer from arthritis and back pain and don't use it as an excuse. Somewhere along the way you both stopped taking care of your intimacy and arthritis became the excuse. Because you were not nurturing your connection with your wife then your heart became free to fall for the next woman giving you a bit of attention. You can undo all that. 

The whole point of this topic is "is it wrong to have feelings towards someone else" I love my partner but I'd rather I didn't feel like this and the SIL was just the SIL, If I was honest and truthful, I know I would not make any first moves towards her, so the only way it was to happen is if she did, and even then, I would probably say "hang on a moment, this should not be happening" 

[raiderz]

7 hours ago, Mercedes_00 said:

I feel sorry for your wife

Oh really the whole point of this is I cannot understand why I have feelings for someone other than her, I do not intend to take it any further with the SIL, I would not be making any first moves, and if she did I would tell her that we shouldn't be doing it for the obvious reasons.

[raiderz]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you need to figure out how to repair your relatiosnship. It is normal to feel attraction to others but it is not okay to get closer to them, which is what you are doing. Instead, ask yourself what you can do to make your relationship better.  

This is the whole thing, at the moment me and my partner are happy and love each other, its the feeling attraction to others that I'm not happy about, I definitely would not make any first moves towards the SIL, if she did I would probably tell her that we shouldn't be doing it. It has never happened before to me and I'm just scared to hell about it. 

Edited July 8 by raiderz

[mark clemson]

It's nice that you are remaining loyal to your wife under what are for you "trying circumstances" given that some of your important needs aren't being met in the marriage.

The simple thing to do WRT the sister is what you've been doing. Just keep your feelings in check and don't act on them.

If "things start to happen" with the sister, then you'll need to stop seeing her. They already are to a certain extent, so you'll need to keep an eye on that.

Maybe there are other ways to satisfy your needs with your wife that don't involve arthritis pain for her?

Edited July 8 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, raiderz said:

It has never happened before to me and I'm just scared to hell about it. 

You have complete control here. We are telling you how to deal with the situation - you need to stop offering to work at their home and you need to limit your contact with your sister-in-law (ie. only see her in the presence of a family gathering with her husband or your wife).

You seem not to hear this advice - you continue to offer the same response. 

54 minutes ago, raiderz said:

I'm talking about me putting curtain rails up fitting safety gates and building flat pack furniture not doing the vacuuming for her. She does all the usual housework herself, please bear in mind its a new build house that they have been in for a month so theres lots to do, he would rather sit outside in a sun lounger reading a book while she does all that sort of stuff. Once all the "major" work is done I won't need to go down there as much.

It is their home, let them figure out how to put up the curtain rails and build the furniture… and if they don’t, that is their problem - not yours. 
 

27 minutes ago, raiderz said:

I definitely would not make any first moves towards the SIL, if she did I would probably definitely tell her that we shouldn't be doing it.

I fixed that for you.

Feelings are just that - feelings. You do not need to act on a feeling - nor should you act on every feeling that you have because if we did, our lives would be a disaster.

How do you deal with the fact that you have feelings for your sister-in-law - you establish stronger boundaries. Stop working at their home, limit your contact with the woman, focus on your wife and invest in your own marriage. Life will go on…

The alternative being that you follow this feeling. Give it meaning and it will mislead you into making a decision that causes you to lose everything you value in life. As I said above, it is entirely your decision. You have control here. Your decision. 

Edited July 8 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, raiderz said:

The whole point of this topic is "is it wrong to have feelings towards someone else" I love my partner but I'd rather I didn't feel like this and the SIL was just the SIL, If I was honest and truthful, I know I would not make any first moves towards her, so the only way it was to happen is if she did, and even then, I would probably say "hang on a moment, this should not be happening" 

We are all human so we are weak. You do not know how you would react if your sister-in-law made a move on you, or showed up in front of you half naked. You *probably* that means there is an open window for you to not be able to resist her. 

The point here is: When we're in a marriage we do not put ourselves in situations where we could be 'tempted'. When we feel temptation it is our duty as a spouse to withdraw ourselves from that situation immediately. 

My point was also: When we start feeling attraction toward someone other then our spouse it is because something at home is missing. Look into that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, raiderz said:

I definitely would not make any first moves towards the SIL

This implies that you may be open to her first moves. As does this: 

4 hours ago, raiderz said:

I would probably tell her that we shouldn't be doing it

Man, you are heading down a slippery slope. It is of course noteworthy that you haven't actually made any moves, but you do need to start firming up your boundaries here now. 

4 hours ago, raiderz said:

I cannot understand why I have feelings for someone other than her

Probably because you haven't had a sex life to speak of in 5 years? That will do it. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, raiderz said:

I'm talking about me putting curtain rails up fitting safety gates and building flat pack furniture not doing the vacuuming for her. She does all the usual housework herself, please bear in mind its a new build house that they have been in for a month so theres lots to do, he would rather sit outside in a sun lounger reading a book while she does all that sort of stuff. Once all the "major" work is done I won't need to go down there as much.

Yes, I know you're not vacuuming.  But your helpfulness is still enabling his laziness and enabling her to stay in the marriage.   And your wife is alarmed

Let your SIL hire a handyman and you go tend to your own family

Edited July 8 by basil67

[raiderz]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, I know you're not vacuuming.  But your helpfulness is still enabling his laziness and enabling her to stay in the marriage.   And your wife is alarmed

Back out and tend to your own family

When they lived hundreds of miles away his dad done all the jobs he didn’t want to do. It’s either I help them now or they don’t get done. They can’t afford to pay professionals to do it. I don’t want my nieces to do without just because he can’t be arsed to do them.

 

 

Edited July 8 by raiderz

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, raiderz said:

When they lived hundreds of miles away his dad done all the jobs he didn’t want to do. It’s either I help them now or they don’t get done. They can’t afford to pay professionals to do it. I don’t want my nieces to do without just because he can’t be arsed to do them.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM!   

Again, you fixing these things enables her to stay.  If her life and house were allowed to fall to pieces, she'd find it a whole lot easier to leave.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, raiderz said:

When they lived hundreds of miles away his dad done all the jobs he didn’t want to do. It’s either I help them now or they don’t get done. They can’t afford to pay professionals to do it. I don’t want my nieces to do without just because he can’t be arsed to do them.

I'm a woman and  l can put up curtain rods by myself, l have screwed up new furniture by myself, l have painted rooms by myself.  

She picked to marry a lazy bum, now she has to live with it. It's not your problem! Will you be running there each time she needs to have a shelve put up or each time the toilet overflows!?

Your loyalty is to your wife, your wife said it's getting weird. Time to go home and stay home.

[BaileyB]

Your responsibility as a man and a husband is to protect your marriage and your family. It’s not to ensure that your sister-in-law is settled in her new home and all the projects around the house are done.

 

 

Edited July 9 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, raiderz said:

. I don’t want my nieces to do without just because he can’t be arsed to do them.

Meh, more excuses on your part.

You have got to knock this off. 

[FredEire]

On 7/7/2024 at 6:20 PM, raiderz said:

I have been with my partner for 13 years and we have been very happy, recently we seem to argue a lot recently but always make up, our sex life is a bit non-existent for the last 5 years due to my partners arthritis in her knee and back but it hasn't bothered me much. Her sister and her family (yes you guessed here is the confusing bit), in the last six months has just moved closer from hundreds of miles away to just over 1 mile, we now see her nearly every day, I've always got on with her well, but maybe in the last couple of years we have messaged quite a bit, since she has been living here we seem to get on a lot better. I have started getting feelings towards her despite me still loving my partner. I am totally confused from where all this has come from, they haven't been reciprocated but even my partner yesterday said I might as well have an affair with her sister because of all the time we spend together. The sister's partner is a dead loss, totally useless & lazy but she thinks he's the centre of her world as they have 2 lovely children. Anyway since they moved up I have been helping them with their house, doing all the jobs he can't or mainly won't do- which are quite a few as you can guess, so we have spent a lot of time with each other, I don't want to do anything about how I feel about this with her but I'm so confused why this is happening in the first place, I don't want to give her a wide berth either as questions will be asked why I am doing it especially from their kids who love me to bits. Is this normal? To have feelings towards someone else? I don't want to split them up, or us for that matter, definitely don't want to split the two sisters apart either. 

An absent sex life for 5 whole years and frequent arguments doesn't suggest to me that you are really too happy in your marriage. Settled maybe, but happy is another thing, and I also doubt you'd be getting feelings for the sister if the situation was really functioning well. There may or may not be sound medical reasons for it but that doesn't obligate you to be satisfied with it.

Starting an affair with the sister certainly isn't the answer, nor is continuing to work your way into her life in place of her absent husband.

It seems to me the best way forward is to withdraw from the sisters life and work on improving things with your wife, and if that isn't possible you'll have to consider your options.