Madly in love with a MM. I do not know what to do

[Sylvestris]

We met at work. The attraction was instant. We started talking and our conversations were natural, fun, and they consumed me. After a few weeks, he told me he was married and was in a semi-open relationship and that the boundaries were he could only talk online and there cannot be anything physical. 

I communicated clearly I am looking for a monogamous relationship but he kept pursuing me and kept asking me if it was too bad to keep an open mind, explore, and have fun. 

I gave in a bit, and kept talking. It's been 2 years now. We only text. In these two years, I have learned that his marriage is not the healthiest. His perception of love is not what we call love. Occasionally, he said if his marriage doesn't work out he would likely be with me. That he likes me and cares about me. He says our conversations help with his anxiety and that he wants to help me too.

I love him, with a full heart and accepted him for who he is deep inside, a major part of which he cannot share with his wife. I hoped over time he would see we would be happy together and consider giving us a chance. But, I do not see any sign that he will ever leave his wife. But, I have never loved anyone like this.

We stopped talking for 4-5 months once in these 2 years and those were the hardest months for me. I was absolutely dysfunctional, exhausted my support system, got into therapy which helped me a bit. But, everything in my life suffered. I couldn't do my job, lost a lot of weight, couldn't take care of anything.

As soon as we started talking again, doesn't matter how little, my life slowly started to get better. I could focus at work, and take care of myself and everything else. 

In my heart, I know he probably doesn't love me. I know I should stop talking to him. But I know how severely that affects my wellbeing. I am seriously afraid of losing everything and becoming homeless, if I become dysfunctional like that again. What do I do?

It is probably this hard for me because I am autistic and have ADHD too. 

 

[Sylvestris]

Just to add, when we were not talking, he isolated himself from the entire world as well and didn't socialize with anyone. He suffered in his own ways.

[stillafool]

First, how old are the two of you

How long has he been married?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Sylvestris said:

I communicated clearly I am looking for a monogamous relationship but he kept pursuing me and kept asking me if it was too bad to keep an open mind, explore, and have fun. 

Him continuing to pursue you in an affair is still no good reason for you to give in and get involved with a MM.  Gave into what exactly because it sounds like all you've done is talk.  Has the affair gotten physical in any way.

1 hour ago, Sylvestris said:

Occasionally, he said if his marriage doesn't work out he would likely be with me. That he likes me and cares about me. He says our conversations help with his anxiety and that he wants to help me too.

Most MM never leave their wife for the OW even when they are in love with them.  You say you're in love with him but he says he "likes" and "cares" about you.  

 

1 hour ago, Sylvestris said:

In my heart, I know he probably doesn't love me. I know I should stop talking to him. But I know how severely that affects my wellbeing.

From what you've written i get the same impression that he is not in love with you but using you as a Band-Aid while his marriage goes through a rough patch. You are helping his ego.

This is more than likely going to end at some point because MM rarely if ever leave their wives.  It's best for you to get back in therapy now to develop tools to cope when the inevitable happens.

[Sylvestris]

Both of us are in our late 30s. He married in 2020. Soon after they got married, they tried opening up the marriage in 2022 since needs were not being met, which didn't work. They have a toddler now.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Sylvestris said:

Both of us are in our late 30s. He married in 2020. Soon after they got married, they tried opening up the marriage in 2022 since needs were not being met, which didn't work. They have a toddler now.

I see so he hasn't been married that long and they have a child.  All the more reason he probably isn't going to leave his marriage.  Has he told you he loves his wife?  He actually told you he loved her when he said he cannot be physical with you but allowed to talk to you online.  Does he allow his wife the same privilege?

What are you getting out of this affair? No sex, no dates, no spending time together other than talking through text?  I'm curious, as a single woman, what is her offering you?

[MsJayne]

You’ve allowed yourself to become emotionally dependent on a person who leads you on because it suits his need for attention. I’ll bet you any amount of money his wife doesn’t know she’s in a “semi-open” marriage. You don’t know him better than his wife does and to imagine you do is delusional on your part, though, to be fair, you are being manipulated by a sleaze who spotted your gullibility from a mile away, so it’s not all your own fault. Having mental health issues is not an excuse for clinging to a married person like a barnacle. 

1 hour ago, Sylvestris said:

We stopped talking for 4-5 months once in these 2 years and those were the hardest months for me. I was absolutely dysfunctional, exhausted my support system, got into therapy which helped me a bit. But, everything in my life suffered. I couldn't do my job, lost a lot of weight, couldn't take care of anything.

This is not love, like I said, it’s a very unhealthy emotional dependence. Big difference.  Don't use other people as an oxygen supply. 
 

1 hour ago, Sylvestris said:

Just to add, when we were not talking, he isolated himself from the entire world as well and didn't socialize with anyone. He suffered in his own ways.

I highly doubt this, it’s just some bulls**t he comes out with to keep you on the string, and the only thing he suffers from is narcissistic tendencies. 

He’s not going to leave his wife, ever, so you need to stop thinking that might happen. You also need to stop using your mental health issues as an excuse for crapping on his wife, she has enough to deal with being married to an immature moron. 
Have a serious think about why you’re clinging on to someone who’s not available and who sees you as nothing more than a source of admiration he can use to keep his ego inflated. If you were married would you want some silly female meddling in your marriage? No? Then why are you doing it to someone else?

Take a reality pill and wash it down with a cup of humility. 
 

 

 

[Sylvestris]

Ms Jayne. I respect your point of view. But I do not appreciate you putting me down by saying derogatory things like using "other people as oxygen supply" and such. Please do not bother commenting if you can't be respectful 

[Sylvestris]

Anyone commenting here, please be respectful. Do not comment otherwise 

[Sylvestris]

32 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You’ve allowed yourself to become emotionally dependent on a person who leads you on because it suits his need for attention. I’ll bet you any amount of money his wife doesn’t know she’s in a “semi-open” marriage. You don’t know him better than his wife does and to imagine you do is delusional on your part, though, to be fair, you are being manipulated by a sleaze who spotted your gullibility from a mile away, so it’s not all your own fault. Having mental health issues is not an excuse for clinging to a married person like a barnacle. 

This is not love, like I said, it’s a very unhealthy emotional dependence. Big difference.  Don't use other people as an oxygen supply. 
 

I highly doubt this, it’s just some bulls**t he comes out with to keep you on the string, and the only thing he suffers from is narcissistic tendencies. 

He’s not going to leave his wife, ever, so you need to stop thinking that might happen. You also need to stop using your mental health issues as an excuse for crapping on his wife, she has enough to deal with being married to an immature moron. 
Have a serious think about why you’re clinging on to someone who’s not available and who sees you as nothing more than a source of admiration he can use to keep his ego inflated. If you were married would you want some silly female meddling in your marriage? No? Then why are you doing it to someone else?

Take a reality pill and wash it down with a cup of humility. 
 

 

 

Ms Jayne. I respect your point of view. But I do not appreciate you putting me down by saying derogatory things like using "other people as oxygen supply" and more. Please do not bother commenting if you can't be respectful. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

In my heart, I know he probably doesn't love me. I know I should stop talking to him. But I know how severely that affects my wellbeing. I am seriously afraid of losing everything and becoming homeless, if I become dysfunctional like that again. What do I do?

You learn more coping skills and continue with the supports already in place. 

Every relationship, legitimate or not, runs the risk of ending.  Yes, it's really awful when we get dumped or we need to dump someone we care about for our own wellbeing, but what's the alternative?  Do you wait till they do it, and then feel just as bad anyway?  His wife could find out next week and he might block you cold and you'll be in exactly the same situation. 

At least ending it on your own terms gives you the power and dignity you need to find.  

 

Edited July 7 by basil67

[Sylvestris]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I see so he hasn't been married that long and they have a child.  All the more reason he probably isn't going to leave his marriage.  Has he told you he loves his wife?  He actually told you he loved her when he said he cannot be physical with you but allowed to talk to you online.  Does he allow his wife the same privilege?

What are you getting out of this affair? No sex, no dates, no spending time together other than talking through text?  I'm curious, as a single woman, what is her offering you?

As far as I know his wife has the same privilege. 

For me, it is primarily the emotional connection. At this point in life, I know people who you genuinely connect with are few and far between. We both like our conversations. Plenty of things in common and to share. Things none of us can share with anyone else. Of course, there is a lot of spicy text exchanges too. 

We both tried several times to break things off. I certainly suffer when we are distant. But, it seems he does too. He reaches out after some time to talk. He mentioned several times that he would like to stay in touch and that life is unpredictable.

Here I have to mention I was married for 10 years as well and that ended a few years ago. I have been through some similar things in my marriage like him (compatibility issues and such). It started as me giving hima ear and listening to his problems and supporting him. I never once asked him to leave his wife. Because I firmly believe that is a him decision.

 

 

 

Edited July 7 by Sylvestris

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

In my heart, I know he probably doesn't love me. I know I should stop talking to him. But I know how severely that affects my wellbeing. I am seriously afraid of losing everything and becoming homeless, if I become dysfunctional like that again. What do I do?

I'm not sure where this question is actually going.  I think you know that you should end it.  But you don't seem to want to end it.  

What kind of help are you seeking?

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

He told me he was married and was in a semi-open relationship and that the boundaries were he could only talk online and there cannot be anything physical. 

Semi-open means closed. This is married man speak for - I’m in a committed,  monogamous relationship, but I would appreciate it if you would keep an open mind, ignore the fact that I’m married to another woman, and have fun with me…
 

4 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

I communicated clearly I am looking for a monogamous relationship

Then this is not your guy. I mean, it’s illogical. Here you are telling a married man that you are seeking a monogamous relationship… He is married to another woman. He is in a monogamous relationship with his wife… not withstanding the texting that he has been doing with you. 

Unfortunately, you have both become reliant on each other to manage your anxiety and deal with the stress of life/his marriage. It’s going to be difficult to end this relationship when you have become so codependent. As you have done in the past, my advice would be to find a counsellor and develop a plan for how you are going to deal with the anxiety, grief, and time that you will have when this relationship ends.

Unless you are content to continue texting this man, the relationship will end at some point. It sounds like you want more for your life - you want a partner who can be with you in all the ways that a relationship partner should be with you. The sad truth is, you picked someone who is unavailable to give you what you most want… and ultimately there is nothing but loneliness, heartache, and grief in that decision. 

 

Edited July 7 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

You need to be thinking about how you're going to exit this affair and your mental health.  I say that because this affair may go on for another year or 2, maybe 3 but it will end and you have to work now on how you are going to cope so you don't ruin your life.  I suggest getting into therapy now.  I would also suggest no contact with him to give yourself a chance to get over him but I feel you aren't at that stage yet.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

this affair may go on for another year or 2, maybe 3

To be far, there are women on this board who have been in affairs for 5, 8, 12 years… That is what I would be worried about Sylvesteris. If you keep the status quo, how many years are you willing to sacrifice? What are you going to miss out on life if you stay involved in this emotional affair? 

Edited July 8 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

I love him, with a full heart and accepted him for who he is deep inside, a major part of which he cannot share with his wife. I hoped over time he would see we would be happy together and consider giving us a chance. But, I do not see any sign that he will ever leave his wife. But, I have never loved anyone like this.

What exactly do you love in him? You aren’t in a real relationship with him, he clearly doesn’t love you, he is deceiving his wife by having a prolonged emotional affair. I don’t think this can be called “love”. Love is mutual affection, passion, and respect. You seem to be just infatuated with him.

5 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

We stopped talking for 4-5 months once in these 2 years and those were the hardest months for me. I was absolutely dysfunctional, exhausted my support system, got into therapy which helped me a bit. But, everything in my life suffered. I couldn't do my job, lost a lot of weight, couldn't take care of anything.

It’s a pity that you haven’t kept the “no contact” rule. You would have ended this codependent, unhealthy, emotionally damaging thing, gone through the pain, and emerged strong and independent, able to find peace and solace in yourself rather than in another person.

 

5 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

In my heart, I know he probably doesn't love me. I know I should stop talking to him. But I know how severely that affects my wellbeing. I am seriously afraid of losing everything and becoming homeless, if I become dysfunctional like that again. What do I do?

You just answered your own question. You should stop talking to him. Remove him from your life completely. Continue your therapy, intensify it. Seek support of family and friends. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you. Focus hard on work and hobbies. Spoil yourself with all sorts of things you like. Comfort food, traveling, sports, TV - anything to keep yourself busy and to restore and keep your joy of life and your self-love.

[NuevoYorko]

Do you still see him at work?  What's that like?

I understand why you did not appreciate the comment from the other poster about your "oxygen supply" but I would like to challenge you to take a realistic look at what you wrote might happen to you if you stopped your emotional texting affair with this loser guy:   

Quote

I am seriously afraid of losing everything and becoming homeless, 

So, you are indeed very dependent.  

You are not taking care of yourself,  by continuing on with this.  

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Sylvestris said:

I know he probably doesn't love me.

He doesn't. 

Someone who loves you would do what it takes to be with you. This man just loves the attention and ego-boost he gets from you. That doesn't mean he isn't fond of you on some level, but it's not love. 

I'm going to echo another poster above - are you currently receiving help for your mental health? There are underlying problems here that are being amplified by your distress at this affair. What kind of support have you got?

[Mercedes_00]

Why do woman believe men who rag on their wives?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Mercedes_00 said:

Why do woman believe men who rag on their wives?

Because they really, really want to believe what the man says is true… unfortunately. 

[Sylvestris]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

 He actually told you he loved her when he said he cannot be physical with you but allowed to talk to you online.

He wants to be physical. But, the boundaries of his relationship doesn't allow it.

I really appreciate everything you said and the way you said them. Yes, I am thinking of an exit strategy. I do not think I can go full no contact. I don't know why I do not find that the best approach. I believe our friendship will at least remain. 

I know a lot of people do not agree with being friends with exes. But, my ex husband and I were very good friends now. It was difficult but I know it is possible.

[NuevoYorko]

27 minutes ago, Sylvestris said:

. I know a lot of people do not agree with being friends with exes. 

You are not friends and you will not be exes, since you don't have any type of relationship that's happing in real life.   It's an emotional affair and takes place over texts.   What would "friendship" look like with this man?   You'd just keep texting but leave the sexy parts out of it?

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, Sylvestris said:

He wants to be physical. But, the boundaries of his relationship doesn't allow it.

Of course he does, most married men involved in an extramarital affair will attempt to escalate the affair to a physical/sexual relationship at some point.

The boundaries of his relationship don't allow him to be physical with you because he is married. Most wives usually insist that their husband’s not engage in a physical/sexual relationship with another woman - it is usually one of the tenants of marriage. 
 

42 minutes ago, Sylvestris said:

I know a lot of people do not agree with being friends with exes.

He’s not your ex. To compare your relationship with your ex-husband to your relationship with your ex-affair partner is misguided and inappropriate. You have been involved in a secretive, emotional affair with a married man. There is a significant distinction - he is not your ex-husband, or the man you once dated… nor is he a platonic “friend.” He is your affair partner - the man who you say that you are “madly” in love with and with whom you would chose to be in a relationship with if he wasn’t already married to another woman. That makes him neither a “friend” or an “ex.” 

To stay involved with your affair partner under the guise of “friendship” is just a continuation of this emotional affair… do you not understand that? Continuing to stay in contact with your affair partner will keep you stuck in this emotional affair - it prevents you from growing and finding a different relationship for yourself. 

Leaving this relationship will feel awful, it will be very anxiety provoking and it will feel very uncomfortable. But, you will have to do it at some point unless you plan to spend your life texting with another woman’s husband. I agree with the poster above - it is very unfortunate that you went back because you were on the path to healing and moving forward and now you will have to experience all the pain and loss when this relationship ends again…

Edited July 8 by BaileyB

[Sylvestris]

I am feeling a lot of judgement and strong feelings from some people here. Some are bordering on personal attacks. I bet a lot of us have been through a lot and projecting our feelings surrounding marriage, relationship, and friendship on each other. I do not know if there is a way to close the thread. But I will stop following the topic and won't respond here anymore.